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How Do You Feel Today? #32

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When I think about you... It doesn't hurt as much as it used to anymore. I feel peaceful and content with it, that you are not in so important position in my life nowadays. One door closes, another one opens. I wonder who he will be. :)

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I feel a bit hopeless today... About my own life, people in general, society, love, friends (even saying a word like ''friends'' is a joke), future, health...

I will stop. I may haven't tried my best yet, but I will stop. I will stop for searching answers from outside when I just need to focus on inside.

Stopping for now.

No more energy to try.

It is what it is, I will be ok...

Or even if I wouldn't be...

Then, what?

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Well. I'm doing much better than I was when I made the last post. Work is as stressful as always, but I'm not going to let that be an excuse to drink. When it comes down to it, drinking is merely a postponing of crap I need to face. I need to "fix" some of my internal workings--my stress response (which I've had for five decades), and also how I perform at work.

I attended my first SMART Recovery meeting last week. It was excellent. I think it's exactly what I needed. It's a bit like AA, but without the religious overtones. It is also more welcoming, if you can believe that. Anyway, tomorrow will mark 7 days since I last drank. I'm the one who decides if I can drink or not, and I'm going to choose to not drink.

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I feel like a huge failure. I took the ServSafe Manager's Certification Exam and failed (this was my first time). The person that proctored my exam stressed to me not to feel upset because this test is hard and 30 percent of people nationally fail this exam the first time around, but deep down, I can't help but feel terrible. I've only told my mom and boyfriend this happened (and now you all) and I know my mom says it'll be okay and I know boyfriend will say the same thing, but I wonder if they're secretly disappointed in me...

Edited by CatDeeDeeDee
Wording; didn't realize it would censor one of the words I used.

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Had a stupid argument with somebody with his own mental health issues that I didn't pick up on until after the fact (PTSD. I wish I had known. I'd have handled the situation with more compassion).

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I have been feeling like I'm way down in a cold dark pit and there's no way out.   I break out in tears , I feel exhausted and fed up . Tired of being sick . Tired of being a basket case. Tonight I just dislike myself so much . Too many issues .

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I'm little apathetic for 8-9 months, when this state will stoping :(

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
remove outside link

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It's so disconcerting how one's mood can change so quickly.  One minute I feel like hiding under the covers; the next moment I'm not afraid and feel as though I'm channeling and behaving out of a wisdom I didn't know I have. 

Today I'm feeling afraid (so. sick. of. being. afraid.) because of my physical limitations.  The back pain is bad and limits my mobility.  It's a gorgeous day outside, and only last year I could find a dirt walking path and enjoy the woods and the sun.  This year, I'm at my computer wondering what life is all about and if we really--as some schools of thought teach us--create our own reality and that thoughts become things.  Will it be foolish of me to see myself well and whole and will those thoughts (with some action on my part) change my physical body?  Would it were true!

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I know I'm having a panic attack.

Racing heart, not being able to breathe, feeling too hot or too cold, I'm really shaky and tearful. Nauseous.

I also have heart problems but I know the symptoms of those are different and the main one is fatigue and I definitely don't feel tired. So I know it's just a panic attack. But still...

I wish this would stop.

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