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How Do You Feel Today? #32


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hi guys! So I had an ok start to the day - made some porridge and tea and replied to a few emails from bed. the step to getting up has been super hard though. I live with my parents so I don't need to go and get food or anything, it's pi**ing it down with rain outside...trying ot keep the motivation going!!

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Completely libido-less and really concerned about it, I know I'm going through a bad patch of depression right now, but even so I feel like half a man and that something is drastically broken.

I hope its the venlafaxine. I really do

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woke up good and hopeful, then stuff went to hell! *irritated and annoyed* I'm actually irritated with others, but irritated with myself too because of all the time I keep wasting Biotching about everything, but D***it, I'm supposed to be keeping track of my moods, right??! bleh!

*lol I guess that answers my question about cursing. I try to keep it to a minimum, but days like this it comes out. Hope it's ok.

Edited by anxiousE
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  • 1 month later...

I haven't dropped by here for a while, and it seems like this website feels different than it used to. I need to post more.

 

So...my mother came over for about an hour. Very, very (unnecessarily) talkative as usual. Repeating a lot of themes to me. Getting really philosophical about my life, and it was just draining. It wasn't a fight. Just a weird conversation---but one that sees like it was necessary somehow. My father will meet with us both on Friday, and hopefully I will no longer be stalled in the water. 

As for my general life, I've emotionally been OK, but I have been trying to convince myself to cancel plans and be a homebody lately. Like, I've felt this need to oversimplify plans lately. And something about that seems depressive even though my emotions have been adequate.

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Wow. 

OK, it's 4:13 am. I awoke just before 4am, and vague but intense thoughts were bouncing around in my head. I awoke from a nightmare that didn't even seem like a nightmare at the time, just a richly textured dream tat was in some ways deeply steeped in real life. 

Ever since I woke up, it's like my philosophical side has slammed into overdrive and I'm trying to get off that flying carousel. I do truly feel like my conversation with my mother dredged up emotions. The conversation was just about life after my parents die, which I do think is sort of anxiety-producing because how am I supposed to get by? And why, at 42, has self care and "Life Skills 101" evaded me?

Odd question to be asking myself, since I have a hard time getting along with her a lot of the time. She expects herself and those around her to be so cheerful, and when I can't live up to that, it's as if somebody has failed: either me or her. She is an LCSW (retired), so I guess it seems like these difficulties shouldn't be happening, but they do. 

I'm disabled from birth, my biological father stroked when I was maybe 8, and died when I was 14. My mother was our sole caretaker for a while. To this day, I am unclear what sort of help she ever asked for. If any. She also grew up around a lot of alcohol. Thankfully she and my uncle are doing extremely well in that department. I love dry white alcohol and cheap lager, but I drink less than once a month, and only 16 oz. at a time or so. My body stops me every time (unless my conscience kicks in first). So I feel very well educated in that department, and feel very lucky for it.

It's early. I'm rambling. My mind (perhaps thankfully) is kind of shutting down again. I guess this is all I have to say, unless anybody has any questions. 

Nice to be back. I think I'll stick around a while.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

I feel unsettled. I got a new computer a couple weeks ago, but now all my passwords are gone, so among other things, I am shut out from the main messageboard that I was once a part of. If I make a new account, then both accounts will be banned. I still do lurk on there, and I notice nobody has inquired as to my whereabouts. Kind of makes me sad. 

As well, none of my family members on FB are answering my friend requests. I feel kind of rejected, and just plain burned out.

Finally, my sleep patterns are way off. I have been napping a lot for its own sake, and not because I am actually tired. 

All of this just makes me feel weird.

 

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I feel a whole lot better than yesterday. I was going through wellbutrin withdrawals and I wanted to climb the walls and/or be heavily sedated. I got my prescription refilled after 3 days of being off so today I feel almost "normal" again. Or what passes as normal for me.

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Hey Handon, I find whenever I ‘test’ people like this they never meet my expectations and it’s really easy to see it as them not really caring but try not to think like that. If it’s not getting you the response you want (eg family on Facebook) try a different way. You want to be in touch with them and feel they care right? Why not text them instead? 

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On 6/1/2018 at 2:50 PM, JD4010 said:

I feel a whole lot better than yesterday. I was going through wellbutrin withdrawals and I wanted to climb the walls and/or be heavily sedated. I got my prescription refilled after 3 days of being off so today I feel almost "normal" again. Or what passes as normal for me.

That's good to hear. I've been thinking of quitting everything CT. Did you run out?  (I'm also on wellutrin, and others)

Edited by TopekaK
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21 hours ago, TopekaK said:

That's good to hear. I've been thinking of quitting everything CT. Did you run out?  (I'm also on wellutrin, and others)

Ya, I ran out. But I wanted to see what it was like to be without. One of these days, I won't be able to afford keeping up with prescriptions.

I probably should start weaning myself off now. But I fear I'll wind up in the rubber room. It was HORRIBLE.

I tried cutting out citalopram once too. That was even worse. The brain zaps are completely debilitating.

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Ya, I ran out. But I wanted to see what it was like to be without. One of these days, I won't be able to afford keeping up with prescriptions.

I probably should start weaning myself off now. But I fear I'll wind up in the rubber room. It was HORRIBLE.

I tried cutting out citalopram once too. That was even worse. The brain zaps are completely debilitating.

Ugh!!  I hear ya.  Always thinking of quitting, but too scared.  I'm on Prozac and gabapentin too. 

Just started a Vitamin D scrip. It definitely gives a bit of a kick, much more so than store bought.  I think I could quit if I lived in a remote place and could afford a lot of spa treatment! 

 

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