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How Do You Feel Today? #32

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I thought I was in control recently but something tonight in my subconscious switched on me and gave up that control so for a bit there was a crazy feeling of freedom and unrestrictedness but then I realize because something was giving up inside me and the reality sets in that I can't control myself and I have a intense feeling that I am dying and there is nothing I can do about it, but it is actually what I can't stop doing and unwilling to change that is causing it and the intense feeling of letting go is coming from not knowing what else to do but just live in the moment because I can't come to terms with the fact and of myself which causes it that I am dying and I just can't maintain a cool controlled attitude one second longer and at the same time that means anything goes meanwhile and I just really don't know what the fk is going on now............ 
hope that was what you were looking for in this topic.... 
Just have this overwhelming feeling of the reality that I am going to die because of my own flaws and it feels like it is happening and going to happen way sooner than I could have admitted, but all I can say is I hope something changes because I don't like feeling helpless ya know, and hey don't worry i mean perhaps it is just a stupid illogical feeling i don't know but i can't shake it for now. It makes me sad too because it's like deep down I know it is true even if I am willing to elude myself otherwise again soon. And now I am feeling extremely guilty at my sad state and comparatively, sad was a blissful gift. Because the only way out of guilt/failure is to block out being able to feel, while at least for a bit I forgot and could feel some truth. I guess now it makes sense how I was pretending to be in control not so very long ago today. I have a worry that the year that the angel of death emphasized to me recently might coincide with about 5 years I have left if I can't shake who I've been for the past 10. I mean it could just be my own mind snowballing itself but I already feel so uncomfortable with who I also really wonder how close I will get before by my own standards too much has been lost to ever go back and too much of a transformation for me to endure. There is always a chance to turn this around but the odds are stacked against it... Then again I probably don't even have the strength to do anything about it at all other than to come to terms with what is happening. Or maybe I'm just completely all wrong at this moment =D? I guess we'll see as life continues on like it always does.

Then again I should be more polite and ask, how are YOU? Also, I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be posting here and disrupting the flow. I pretty much disrupt the  flow everywhere, or need to change, but that is old news, sorry

Edited by Circle

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Actually, scratch all of what I just said. I had some deeper thoughts again here recently and remembered what I have been learning, so this was just a fleeting moment where I lost my way for not so long. I have learned not to have guilt or feel responsible for anything that happens, to concentrate on how things affect me, because all of you other people are responsible for what happens to you, and if our paths repel then I suppose the stronger one goes home happy. I am responsible for myself but guilt against myself as regret serves no purpose and is moot topic. This way of thinking has allowed me to control responding to the world out of anger or as a victim and to realize the power I have to shape my own life. It just takes time to get rid of old habits of having one way thinking and instead allowing yourself to do what you naively believed against -- which never worked in reality. And that's that, just an off night. If I don't need to get angry with people but instead I just do what benefits me, things work a lot better and I don't have to medicate as much either. Too rigid of thinking didn't work, I was too ideal and I need to not concern myself with what the ideal is but what works for me. If everyone does that it will reach a sort of balance anyway...

Edited by Circle

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I'm feeling a little anxious today. Everything happening in Paris has me on pins and needles. It is certainly bringing back my fear of going out in public. I can't watch the news. Social media is beginning to scare me. I'm just going to sit here rocking back and forth, sewing my quilt in the corner of my apartment.

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I am feeling so burnt out at work still, every day is just a mental drain.  I feel like people expect me to be a magician at work and just have some miraculous solution to every problem in the world, and I just don't have the mental energy to keep problem solving day in and day out and keep pushing through. Ugh.  It's got to let up at some point....

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