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havehope

Slipping Into A Depression

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Please help.. I feel like I'm slipping into a depression. I've been crying on and off all morning, I can't focus, I can't work. Yesterday I was so sad.... and focused on sad topics at brunch with my boyfriend of my past, ie, friendships gone awry. It put me in a funk for the rest of the day. I am still in that same funk today.... everything feels like it's caving in around me. My job, lost friendships, my future, my career, where I'm going to live, what the heck I'm doing in my life. I say and act like I'm doing OK but I'm really not.

 

My world just suddenly got dark, lonely and scary. And I just feel... very very sad like I want to just lay down and cry my eyes out. All the pain from my past has come up, including abuse from an ex boyfriend that I was talking about yesterday with my boyfriend too. My abusive ex contacted me yet again and won't go away.

 

I'm in between therapists too right now which isn't helping at all. I really need to be able to talk to someone.

 

Please help... thank you.

Edited by havehope

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Thank you, Jules, Thank you, Lauryn. :hugs:

 

I do need to just cry. I think I've been really triggered by recent events, which have brought up a lot of old sadness and pain. And anger for the way I've been treated by certain people in my life.

 

Wish I could just fly away and escape reality for a while. I'm really overwhelmed. This sadness has a strong grip on me right now. Yes, Lauryn, we can help each other through, I'd be glad to if I can.

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I agree that a good cry is in order.  You may need to be very firm with your ex and tell him not to contact you.  I had to do that with an ex who would contact me every 3 months for 3 years after we broke up and I felt like throwing up and having a panic attack every time his name popped up.  It was awful.  I finally told him I'd tell the police he was harassing me if he ever contacted me again, and no contact since then!  I hate when the past bites us, but just try to remember that you have a boyfriend who sounds caring and supportive, you have been able to maintain a good job, and have prospects for your future, and that depression just sucks us in like a hurricane. I hope that you will find a great new therapist. You can pull through this and we are here for you!!!

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Havehope - tell the x firmly to never contact you again.

When I start fretting about life I think what anxiety is...a fear of the past and future...focus on the current minute...focus.

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Just big hugs for you, havehope. It can get better and it will. Would it be helpful to see a therapist through an anti-abuse organization. It was the first place I turned when I was so miserable about stuff in my life...and they understood completely.

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HH,

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad. It could be depression setting in again, but when I read what you wrote something resonated with me that I wanted to share with you. My experience with an abusive ex caused me so much stress, and still effects me, two years post breakup. What I learned is that each time he contacted me, which was basically every time he broke up with his woman. He didn't stop bothering me even after moving out, blocking him on fb, blocking his emails, not talking to friends who he would victimize himself to, blocking his phone number (I had a service I can't think of now Mr. something or another, which the phone company told me about when I called to block him and they told me it would cost me a fee every month, which I resented having to pay), this service expired after a certain amount of time, unbeknownst to me and he was able to text me. Anyway, the point is he was relentless which just made things harder for me. It wasn't like I was exactly happy about having to end our relationship. I did it to survive. There were a couple of reasons the transition was so painful for me. For one, the pain was only partially related to the ending of my relationship with him. The other part of it was it triggered all of my losses. I swear it was like a lifetime of people who had come and gone for whatever reason flooded my memory. Who wouldn't be saddened by that kind of loss felt all at once? The other thing is I internalized the failed relationship so that it wasn't relationships that had failed but me. I had failed. I judged myself far too harshly for these failed relationships. It's taken a long time to reframe my thoughts about myself. I have to say I am not a failure. The other thing is my habit of taking the blame for everything. Having not had a relationship with my father made me try super hard (often times doing the work for both of us), to be loved. And then there's the fairy tale thing we're all sold. Both genders are assigned a task that is impossible from early childhood. Think Cinderella.

Anyway, love to you.

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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies..

 

I did have a good cry last night... I couldn't stop crying. I think it helped.

 

I have been firm with my ex in the past, but he seems to ignore it. I may have to be firm once again with him. Jess, you're right.. there are definitely positives in my life to remember. And my current boyfriend is wonderful.

 

Renee, yes, this incident has brought up all sorts of pain from my past, just as you described -- basically.. everything. You hit the nail on the head when talking about losses -- that's all I've been thinking about are all the losses and failures in my life... I think I tend to take the blame a lot too.

 

I do need a therapist. Dolphin, it probably would help if I could see an anti-abuse therapist... I've shied away from domestic violence support groups mainly because I don't want to dredge up all those awful memories and be retraumatized. It was very traumatic what I went through... I literally had to flee from this guy's home... packed all my things in a rush and went to a hotel, then out of state to California where he couldn't get to me. Every time he contacts me, I feel retraumatized all over again, for days. Luckily this time I didn't actually read his email --- I deleted it right away, which at least gave me a sense of satisfaction and empowerment.

 

It also has brought up for me the loss of my greatest dream.. living in California...  Because I ended up in the hospital with a mental breakdown after the abuse I suffered. So then I had to come back home to Massachusetts after the hospital since I was broke, had only part-time work and I was not well.

 

All of this sadness has contributed to my current state of depression. Maybe I am still mourning the loss of my dream? I don't know if I will move back there.. my boyfriend is here with his daughter, and that makes it much harder.

Gid, yes, I will try to focus on the present moment, thank you for the reminder. I have felt... flooded. Flooded by all this sadness.

 

It doesn't help that my boss treats me like crap, and I suffer. I've always had terrible bosses.. why do I always end up with the worst boss? But that just makes me angry.. not sad. Wish this sadness would just go away already...

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Hello dearest DF members, I need some support please!!! And thank you!!!

 

So here it is ---- it is taking ALL of my strength to get through my job on a daily basis... it's gotten worse and worse each day, ie, my boss's mistreatment of me and continued disrespect, her constant finger pointing/blaming me for her own mistakes and omissions, the lack of proper communications --- she refuses to get on the phone with me, even when I ask, and insists on communicating online only -- we're supposed to have weekly meetings and don't... I have to stand up to her all the freaking time, every single day, and it seems like every single communication between us is contentious.... she disrespects me in front of the team & ignores so many messages that I send online that are important ---- it's all just seriously wearing on me, and I am losing my strength. I have to go to battle each and every day.... and I am drinking more during the week as a result of all this extreme stress that is wearing me thin.

 

I am going to look for another position sooner than later, so that's one resolution, and I finally asked her to pay for a course so that I can actually leave for a better position. But still, to deal with this on a daily basis is taking all of the strength that I can muster, and I don't know how much longer I can last.

 

I also just feel like she hates me! Yet she has spoken glowingly about me to others. She just treats me like I'm the freaking enemy, and I wish sooooo very badly I could just tell her off once and for all, or cyber shoot her in fact. My level of anger is through the roof....

 

And I've leaked out to a co-worker how much I hate my boss and my job and told her how much I want to quit. I hope this doesn't backfire.

 

Would anyone recommend that I try and talk to my boss about things that are going wrong? I know the best way is to approach it with a solutions approach, rather than a problems approach. I learned that one in the past...... I also gave advice to a DF member recently that one shouldn't confront their superior about disrespect, and that it can backfire... I know I should follow my own advice, and this has backfired me in the past when I did that with one supervisor.

 

I just don't know what to do... I'm getting to the point where I want to call in sick, and start taking more days off... as it is, I am slacking off more and more and my productivity level is getting lower and lower. My morale is super low.

 

Please help if you can... even with just supportive words. Thank you so very much...

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HaveHope have hope :)

 

You changed your name for a reason and i will not watch you slip back to feeling your older name. You are doing so well. You have a course planned. You a job, yes the mechanics are not to your advantage, but its clicking to a countdown, just get a good reference, thats all you need to worry about, not the success of your company, or the hierarchy of terrorbeast at the top that it sounds. Ignore her, and do the work. Thats enough stress :)

 

As for lost friendships, all my friends turned away pretty much. Even those who stayed arent exactly close or even physical friends now, just online and somewhere. I was too much, or too sad, or too explosive, or whatever. but they are gone. and some i lost because i was busy making new frinds in a new place, i moved about a bit. People go on living, sometimes i get hold of an old friend i chatted to everyday for 4 years, let him stay at mine when he had money problems for 7 months, and when i left he rarely replied to my messages. and i took it all to heart. but i did get to chat to him. as i sent a kinda confrontational message while manic. and the response was not overly apologetic but honest. HE agreed i was a lot fun, and decent, but had problems, but that wasnt what happened, he met a girl around when i left, that ended badly and devestated him, he joined a dojo and did it so often he ended teaching it there, and since he just worked on his music and is now doing well . He's happy, and has his life in his radar, and has enough time not feeling stressed from just that. he said he'd apologise if it was purposeful, but really it was just a lack of time. and i was the guy who made everyone their friend, but that was a much older me, and far less broken.

 

It kinda changed how i saw it all. i ONCE got an email from a friend i relly held close that when i was doing VERY badly he sent an email saying i was too much and when he is not working he would rather be happy then deal with my crap, he apologised but said he had just done it too often. At the time i was devestated, and i believe my brain adopted that assumption for all who left, and hell maybe some did. at the time i was in pain rather than seeking help, and i fell apart a lot, but anyone who knows my life says its amazing i'm this together :P Either way an honest response i took badly made me feel worse, but now i do get it. I used to datye a very problematic girl, and when i got home from work i never knew what mood i was coming back to. it was draining. i at the time was quite relaxed and at peace likeing myself (she well destroyed that.. still working on it all now) but my point is, her dramas were almost daily, and you can only be drained so much before you go.. really again. and that was okay of my friends. they had been there. they had helped. i didn't get better. Now i am years to late, but hopefully i can build something after soem hard work on myself

 

I was hoping to say, that people leave for many reasons, and some we destroy ourselves and shame or embarressment are hard things to shake off. But all i know is, i was good at making friends when i hoped, and when i fell here this complete heap, i was not a person people would want to go out with, so i have no friends circle really, and i spend my time falling apart about that, whereas i need to grow stronger so i like myelf, and will be someone people want. I am not saying you are not someone peoplle want. I';m just saying. everyone is in theri own little lives. and things don't last forever. 

 

I think we both need to make new friends. and i'm 33. thats not what i want to be doing at 33, especially as my life is like a 23 at uni's life :P If we had new friends or a good enough circle, that would be filling our minds, not just loss

 

As for the rest, i'm sorry but i shall dismiss it as worry. I get anxiety, trust me, even paranoia, but they are in the moment things. I've been caught sleeping at work, tomorrow might be bad. that i validate worry, as i will fry my nerves for a short amount of time. But worry is something i'm learning to do with things way off, or that might not even happen.

 

Worry is something i do and do not do. i do when it is necessary. but i have leanrt worrying what will happen when, and what if it goes wrong, and... and... it just snowballs to hell. BUT the pattern needs to be reset. Your seeing things that have no answers, might go well, might go bad. and many factors play into that. I can see why anyone can worry...

 

BUT (i kinda had to reinforce since the last BUT) when stuff happens. we deal. if we were worried we go oo its what i thought or some crap, but its meaningless wasted energy. if you come home tomorrow and your house is a few black logs in a street you'll go to a friends or family. and it could be that night you make a plan of a place to go and accept everythings gone. or you'll fall apart until you do that, because you have to, and then you'll move on. my point is with worry, i have a lot of problems with my past PTSD makes certain parts harder to put down, but i am good at putting down what doesnt need it, unles its new, then i have to analyse, and... i have a lot to work on in my present. All i know is i have  a roof, some money, a coupla friends, and thats 3 things i did not have last year. When things happen good or bad, we have to react. and we just deal with it, or fall aprt and deal with it later. Don't anticipate the problems, there should be enough problems you can deal with to look at now. Deal with those and more will come as others are solved.

 

Don't look to far ahead, unless its inserting goals or good plans

 

You've got a lot going for you, your loved, working, plans to improve skills and work elsewhere. Your a far better specimen of the human race than i am right now, and i think you need to have some pride for what you have and can do

 

then have a pop tart

 

You a very fun, sweet, considerate, idea filled individual. A nice girl with big problems

 

you just need to reduce your problems, and calm

 

I still believe in the name you changed yourself to. i just think you've lost focus a bit. 

 

I hope you can focus

 

- Chris x

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Chris, I cannot thank you enough for your very sweet and thoughtful reply!!! You're the best!!! :) I so appreciate your thoughts & insights... 

 

You're right about my job....I will try. I just get so worked up over my boss and it depresses me so very much... and it's only getting worse with each day. No one even wished me a happy Thanksgiving at work yesterday. Not a single person! I'm treated as though I am a remote part-time contractor, not a full-time salaried employee. There are so many things that make me unhappy in my job..... my terror beast of a boss being at the top of the list, as you put it oh so well. There's only one silver lining --- at least I don't have to see her everyday or deal with her in an office everyday --- I would go stark raving mad. Oh, and that I can leave the job, which gives me some amount of hope...

 

And no, I don't want to slip back to "losing hope" either... there is a reason why I chose my new username... I do believe in holding onto hope and faith in pushing forward through a crises or rough times... even if it's just a tiny sliver.

 

I looked at jobs yesterday though and got super depressed about the job search. It's not going to be easy to find the position I want, in the specific professional niche I'm interested in, plus the specific geo location. And to have to go through yet another job search and application process is depressing --- I've done this so many times and not too long ago. I've never found a job that I've wanted to stick with more than two years. It's hard.

 

As for the friendships.... I can only imagine how devastating that was for you to hear those words from your friend.. that you were too much for him to handle. That would hurt a lot, but sounds like you have very good perspective on it all now. I worry that I will be too much for my boyfriend with all my work woes, drama, and constant upset. I need to try to not overload him too much with all my issues. And yes, I too need to make new friends -- but I haven't taken any steps to make any... maybe when I move into my own apartment I can do this... right now I don't feel like I'm in a good place to meet new people -- I live with my parents and am kind of ashamed of this at my age.

 

Also, as you said, why worry unless it happens? It's wasted energy --- I agree. I do have anxiety and tend to worry too much. I know I need to calm this down somehow and not let my fears carry me away. I take anxiety meds, but I still suffer from it.

 

So my friend, it's Thanksgiving here today and I have the day off --- thankfully -- no work -- I get a break, thank God. I am going to try to be grateful for all that I do have, though I can't force this just because it's Thanksgiving and we're supposed to be thankful. I'll be with my extended family, and even though I typically don't enjoy this particular get together with these particular family members, I will try, though I honestly would rather just curl up into my blankets and watch movies all day. Maybe tomorrow I will do just that... though I think it's my depression that makes me just lie on the couch all day.

 

Thank you so much again & talk to you real soon..  :hugs: 

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Hewo *waves frantically*

 

I was hoping to just push some seeds into your head, they are good. we do have epiphanies, but i find time and well thought out-ness is probably better :) but i do undeerstand ideas seem simple, the brain can agree, but habit, emotionally it can be hard to get those to change as quickly a our minds might.

 

The worry stuff is hard to shift, but if you can practice not doing it, the mind can learn this is not a thing to continuously do. In fact everything should be easy as i usually have to insert a new belief system and push on it tilll my body or mind agrees this is better. But i am coward in some respects still. Things keep going wrong, and i'm terrified to put a foot forward, but i will get volunteering and try to rectify this. If i can insert changes for down the line, then things may go well or not, but essentially they WILL be different, and now, in this room so much... i need things to be different.

 

I took in my head somewhere after a certain course you had a place to go, but i didnt realise you would just be back to job hunting. And my heart ices over at the idea. But my fear of rejection goes mad, as i have never got a job online. i always got them by walking into places and being manic confident chris, as i now understand. A energy i cannot produce everyday, and then the stumbling and self worthless worry :P

 

Trust me, you feel stressed, under appreciated, a burden to your bf (and i am sure he likes gettting to cheer you up :)) but your still going, aware of your skills and worth not being apreciated at work (i'm the zany novelty guy so people love me or hoped my vocal chords would disintegrate) but your doing really well, its hard to see that when your amidst those feelings. but you go to work, you still see these people are not treating you right (someplaces i went i was just a leper, but i start enjoying irritating people if they have chosen to dislike me, i'm like, you will hate me for your petty not even trying to get to know me.)

 

but work people are weird (and i have job hopped) expecting more from people is an unwinnable game, but you DO deserve more respect but seeing that lets me know you still have self belief and a strong core, its just hidden under some emotions. As i tried to ramble in brackets, these feelings holding you down of stress, workmates, leaning on your boyfriend, shame and burden being at your parents. I am niot saying your wrong to feel these things, or that you feel much control over your emotions. but a conversation might lift or alleviate some.

 

I too live at my parents, helps with my arm, and gives me a place to get myself back together. But i'm bpd in some aspects, so revalidating, or reassurance is required. So i don't ask daily, but if things feel a bit quiet i tell them how i feel and ask them about how they feel with me there,and that i respect its their house, am i being inconsiderate without knowing. This can restore balance, or a reset for my emotions on the subject. I am saving up and want to have enough to get a place for 6 months. But it is something that can only happen as it happens. But i like to talk about it honestly, say i feel awful but not to guilt trip them, because, i would prefer to not be broken, working but if i stick to the help theres a higher chance i'll do it well later.

 

Also ask your boyfriend if you have been leaning to much, suggest a fun night out when he's next back, or some crap, it would be good to you to, you sound like routine needs some new stimulus.

 

Just saying you carry a lot on you, that may not be on the understanding radar of others, and these are people close to you. You should be free to discuss the base ground, rather than being upset that they might be feeling these things

 

and the friends thing. I too am in a place where i'm not really ready, also i have become this sarcasm manic thing to survive, but most are alienated by it, so i need to learn to chat again. and its not like riding a bicycle. I have realy had years with damaged relationships with strange people, and my casual self has been something else to survive. Only recently really got it. I rambling. To be rejected is really bad right now, and i'm weird anyway, but now i'm weird broken, and its a bad combo. So i cant really go out to see what there is. it may mess me up far more. It might not, but the other option is stressed in therapy i need to not stress and se some things go right for me. Imperative apparently. I'm trying to say now is not the right time, i get that :)

 

Don't let being at home bug you. Parents are where home is when tthings go wrong, and most of us have to return at some point. I'm glad we both have parents kind enough to be cool with it (and i think my mum likes the company) so high 5 for living at home while life is.. transitional :D

 

Hope thanksgiving is delicious, and its depressing to be on a couch and not enjoy it, and not to bad if your just taking down time and enjoying some movies :)

 

Happy thanksgiving (we dont celebrate it, So no roast. It's fine, i'll have a cheese toastie in a min)

 

- Chris x

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Hi Chris, thanks for the Happy Thanksgiving wishes, and for your additional thoughts & support! :)

 

Thanksgiving was..... it was tolerable. Could have been much better if my sister were there, but oh well.

 

And emotions.. yes, sometimes it's hard to control them and for me not to get swept away by my strong emotions. And I do feel things very strongly.. I'm very sensitive & also highly reactive.. and I do take things hard, though I know on here most people here are very hard on themselves too.

 

yeah,, the work thing. Well, I sent my boss a message on Friday saying we need to talk asap, that issues have arisen making my work and morale very difficult. So that should alert her! I am praying now that she receives this message OK and doesn't fire me.. I put it in terms of finding resolution to the problems so I'm hoping that at least sounded positive. But after last week and being asked to work on my days off, well I basically just lost it and felt like I have to confront the issues now or I'm really going to go stark raving mad in my job.

 

And no, I don't have another position lined up, but after taking this course, I should be even more marketable... it may just take some time to find the right position.

 

And the family situation --- yeah, me and my parents are pretty open with each other and have no real gripes about one another, so that's a plus. And I'm highly appreciative of the fact that they are letting me stay here with them while I'm in transition, as you put it... I am very grateful, otherwise I could have been homeless when i came out of the hospital --- I pretty much was!

 

So,.... I am trying to relax this weekend, but my anxiety about work is there. I'm now worried about this conversation I must have with my boss --- I just have to plan out ahead of time what I wish to say and how. I want to emphasize positives rather than negatives, but also address & resolve the negatives.. there's much to be said and discussed.

 

And my bf --- yeah, we're doing something fun tonight and I'll ask if I'm a burden about my job. We do have fun together when we go out, so I know it;s not a terrible burden all the time at least. That's good.

 

Thanks again, and I hope you are doing OK!!!

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I meant to say, thank you for the hugs, too duck! I am at an all time low. My boss has not responded to my message about having a low morale. I am very worried I will get fired. This weekend wasn't good.... too many issues going on at once. Having a hard time concentrating and working today.. my depression is worsening with each day.

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Havehope Have hugs

 

and this hot chocolate. it has marshmellows. oh hell. it has creame, chocoalate spray, and the mug has little arms so when you swig, you get a little face hug, dependingon the size of your face. i mean they might just poke you in the cheeks. either way the intenetion was good. if you dont like the arms use the other hand and they will face away and then the hot choloate will just look like an alarmed mug your dr... the purpose was to give you something warm, so you feel warmth. hell go make some tea or chocolate now!

 

Warmth is good. get a blanket and wrap yourself close. You are not feeling love from the world. and like me maybe you hang to much on the expected decency of other human beings. but even my friends have reminded me, i can expect nothing from people, not even ones i kinow, but there are good people. and i am sure your parents, your bloke (for lack of a beter word) and others you know or have known have shown you in the battle of dark vs light, its like the night sky.. a lot less light, that just means they are gems rarer to find and hold onto. a message maybe i see now.. a little late. 

 

I digress

 

We grapple to those we adore when we're happy, and feel a burden when apart, we don't see the happiness wirth them as we are overwhelmed by the outside world. the otherness. those people. all of them. and how much they can inflict upon who we are. I didn't used to care. years of systematically being shat upon hath led me here. but like robocop i'm gonna prove its somewhere in me. i'm just learning myself again. That i am me, and i'm kind and decent and F*** anyone who isn't maybe not so harshly. i might be nice. not because i'm nice. to know that ti will prevail to show good where they can't, maybe they'll learn something. Or is it conditioning, and i can't even be an a**h*** to a**h****?

 

One thing i do know. is all that hope others will notice3 you. its in you. you know your good at something, hell your gonna go get better at it and be even more self sellable. i know your in your transition, but these are things that should be supports to ease you as you go on, but now your down, you feel you area hinderence. Your not. You've just got a bit.. lost

 

Either way i choose to be good. And that i believem makes life harder. Yet it seems so simple. but people do not think or feel like others can. we got to much.... which in life might be the short end of the stick. but they won't ever get or feel what i do when.. f*** when i see pondskaters, or unntrodden snow. You feel too. the curse and the pleasure.

 

why is that blue? okay i don't know what happened. you'll have to put up with it

 

So havehope. you've been here before i am sure. you changed your name for a reason. that shows the cycle we fall into. and its amazing how when we come adrift it is hard to remember that it was eventually alright, and it took a little less over thinking, analysing, some self assurance, and having some goals :)

 

I say these all as seeds. Seeds for the mind. That is for tomorrow. Tonight know your in pain, amongst many out here. and we all feel so alone, and could all do with a hug, yet are so condemned within our own minds we can't feel the pleasures of what we do have. It takes time. and while you continue to worry about this battle you have engaged in, i worry your spiral is not yet at the bottom. Whatever her hang up, whether she just doesn;'t like you, for any reason, your smell, your vibe, your body shape. who knows the inner thinkings of someone who at all liklihood is so stressed from work, or her own bitterness, worries or problems, and some put their happines by having it fed off others weaknesses. All guesses. All probably wrong.

 

Emotions are imbalances for us. Sadly. The more.... i have to try to create a duality here. so pleas ebe patient. and fill in information if i am wrong. You intend to leave this place. and want a glowing reference. Now your idea is to drive the company forward, show initiative, streamline or imrove and have your ideas heard. Now for not one second am i saying these are bad things to either think look good or fill you with pride or help a company, maybe you feel motives from all 3. Now the duality is that what might lead to a glowing reference is being quiet and just mundanely being a cog in the work. Some people just like their worker to.. work. From an outside perspective, you felt you weren't heard at a time you were already not feeling great in yourself, this has driven through you like a steamroller with chainsaws on the wheel. You have let your great ideas be validated by this womans attention to them. In feeling more over time, which is inside you, you try to sort a meeting for middle ground. But you are the one FEELING all the wasted ideas, pride, not being heard. Your boss may just want to duck and hide.

 

what i'm baldy trying to say is your making many of the moves to fix something your righteously struggling from a place of pain. I wonder if you trying to get this sorted by direct head on conflict is.. best for your health. If i were leaving the place i would feel this woman for whatever reason is a b**** or at least to me, but i'm leaving, so just avoid conflict. as she will probably be unaffected in your mind. but you may feel this is not resolved..... and thats where you get emotionally worse. I am not trying to say duck under the waves, you don't deserve to be heard. I am saying you may be in a place you won't be heard. no reflection of you. bad management. weak colleagues. But the more you play into this, and the people you work with and how they make you feel as a person, you are going to get worse

 

i don't want that. You don't want that. I admit this is far longer than anticipated, but some people to us we feel alien from.. they are fish - like. I am hoping that my words feel.. leash fish-like. But work is work, and i have worked in twatty places of twatty cretinous being and i regard them all as fish like till i get to know some and think i might want to chat to this person. Its cold, and if i'm not full strengt5h i'll go in needing to be liked. but if i'm there, it lets me do it at how they do it. People saay people don't go to work to make friends, and some of your colleagues may be so alone that if someone talks to them they explode terror but exhibit it in a crappy way and run away.

 

The world is full of many little moving parts, and i think you just see more of them than others do, and have a lot going on, and there are many steps to things you need to fix. and fixing work i believe is not focus. When i worry or panic, or go manic, i think far too much, and that is not thinking. Quietening your mind, grounding, reconnecting, and being in now is a process to achieve, but its where your energy needs to be. on YOU. i say this not as a small task. i hope you do some nice things for you, be kind to yourself, and know your going to get the extra skills. To a place where you are heard and people aren't fish people

 

your core is a kind, giving, smart, idea filled individual, its just hidden under a lot of self questioning, and its time to let the mind rest, and come back to now. A sweet person, who wants to offer more in a place not open to it, has the chance to hang out with your folks, something i know to treasure, and have the warmth and kindness of your partner

 

Your are the puppet. And the puppeteer.

 

- Chris :)

btw been up and down. withdrew for me. i'm starting to feel my strength. and see a lot of self work i have to do.. like being calm. which is actually a job i'd outsource if i could :)

oooo the blue thingys is gone. Weird. bye blue background shader. You followed me so far till i had to go on alone, maybe it was best blue irritable paint behind your words shade thingey.... but yes,  alone time. working on myself means me time :) .

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Chris, your kind words, thoughtful insights and amazing support brought tears to my eyes... in a good way. You're so very wise beyond your years! :)

 

Thank you for the warmth and hot chocolate mug... lol. that was wonderful... I needed that!

 

But I don't know what to do now... my boss has not replied to my message about having a low morale and wanting to talk. She's been online working, although she's traveling in Cambodia, and has not replied to my message. It's now been several days.

 

I have concluded that she just doesn't care. That she is a cold ice queen slave driver. She made me work on my day off and only said "fix this" in a text message... not, are you available and would you mind, and thank you so much. It was only after sending my message Fri about having a low morale, that she sent me a text hours later, late at night, thanking me.

 

Why do I even try? Yes, I need a glowing reference from her. Very badly. This is why I keep pushing to do well....

 

And I do need to be stronger with her and heard or else her business will falter, and then I will look bad and be blamed in the eyes of future employers. I just know it. I have to be more assertive and let her know where things stand --- that if she continues to go about these website redesigns in the way that she is, that she will hurt her website rankings and web traffic... that's where I'll be responsible for it, as the person in charge of rankings and web traffic. She's stubborn and arrogant though. She doesn't listen to experts that she hires and ignores all of their suggestions, including mine.

 

I truly wonder, does she want to see her business do better? Is the status quo enough for her? Does she care that she doesn't get sales from her marketing efforts? Does she not see this? Her marketing efforts are not succeeding... she's getting leads but not sales. And those leads are not turning into customers. I keep making suggestions, and as usual, she's not listening. Her mockup of the new site design is also horrible and everyone thinks so. I don't even think she's hired a real website designer --- I think she's doing the design herself -- she's that arrogant.

 

Yes, I'm leaving by next spring hopefully and I will try to avoid conflict as best as I can.... At the same time, I need to get my message through to this most stubborn ice queen. She hired me for a reason.... and she needs to listen to me. Why else did she hire me if she's not going to utilize my expertise???

 

I'm so very frustrated and downhearted. I have to stand up to a bully boss, and it's harmful to me, as you pointed out. It's harming my day-to-day existence and ability to focus and work and be productive. It's harming my emotional life..... I'm depressed after work and at night time. I'm drained by all this frustration and emotional upset. And she blames me for her own lack of communication.... yet she refuses to get on the phone with me to improve communications.. she insists on online communications only. What company runs a business this way?

 

GRRRRRRR... I want to cyber strangle her, I'm that frustrated. I'm just so done.. but I have to force myself to keep going, to keep working hard, and to succeed.

 

This is so very hard.

 

And I hope you are doing OK... I'm glad you're taking some me time... very important. :)

 

 

 

 

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To add to that.. my depressed state is getting worse by the day. I had one good day this week, and that was a blessing. I have no idea where it came from, but it came and went.

 

The only positive thing is going away for the weekend to Maine with my boyfriend. Hopefully a getaway out of town will help, but right now my depression is at an all time low.

 

I think knowing that I've always had bully bosses is lowering my hopes for any good future bosses, This has been the pattern so far... why it is, I don't understand, but that's how it's been. Maybe there are just a lot of abusive bosses out there?? In all my experience, and I've had a lot of work experience, I can say there are very few good people in management.

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I have nothing left in me. Life has beaten up on me, people have beaten up on me. I give up the fight. I know I deserve better, so why am I getting handed such crap? Totally tired of it.

Edited by havehope

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Hi havehope, this thread has hit so many cords with me. I'm like you in that I manage to work (mostly), function but still the depression keeps me weighted down. I wanted to add that your boss is like some I've met. They want the expertise you have/offer on their staff - they know it brings professional kudos - but their massive egos or possible Narcissistic tendencies still has them thinking that they are better than you, and everyone else, after all they are the boss and when they own the company, you do not have that power. It is their way or the highway buddy!!

 

I worked for someone like that for 3 years a decade ago. I went to the job full of hope and energy. All I can say is that the life-force was slowly sucked out of me by my boss, the business owner, she undermined all my decisions, changed her mind like the wind changing direction and I got to the stage that I was doubting myself at all levels. I was reeking in depression at all levels, I used to go home after work, close my door, lie down on the sofa and just cry and cry and sleep and sleep...... Long story short, I got out!  It took a bit of planning but I never looked back.  It was only after I left that I stumbled upon an article online about Narcissistic bosses. I never understood what narcissism was before but boy, what a revelation!!  My boss was hitting all the markers and guess what, all narcs need?   A side kick (or ten)!  Side-kicks (basically someone they can emotionally kick) are usually people who work for them, they are an absolute requirement for them to function and maintain their glorious image of themselves. How else can a narc look good except by making others feel and look bad. They do not have a conscience so sidekicks should not expect them to behave they way a regular boss might.   So, Havehope, hang in there - work towards getting out - be gentle with yourself and your fragile mental state - you will find a way to go on - as your name suggests your inner strenght is that you do seek hope..over despair....Read up on narcissistic bosses and use the info to survive her and her game playing.  I don't think that you find these horrible bosses, I think horrible bosses find us, but building an awareness and knowing that there are coping strategies to cope with Narcs and how to identify and even avoid narcs in the future sure will help too.  

lots of hugs (((((havehope)))))

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WeatherLady, thank you so very much! Your post helped!! :hugs:It helps so much to feel validated by my experience! 

 

Yes, I believe my boss may be narcissistic. This is so very toxic. Argh. You mention how they need sidekicks.... I must not be the only one she treats this way.... I imagine it's probably many or even everyone?

 

I feel the same as the way you described in your old job --- I first came on board with SO much energy and enthusiasm --- I gave so many ideas and input on a variety of marketing tactics. But this has all fallen by the wayside and she hasn't valued my input despite my years of experience in the field and level of expertise. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall!

 

My energy and enthusiasm has slowly but surely waned over the months... and I feel just like you did. I am drained, I feel sucked of all my energy. I have to repeat points now numerous times to even be remotely heard. She is not utilizing my expertise, although she hired me for it. She is definitely full of ego -- I have lost all my steam.

 

Narcissists are the most difficult and toxic people to deal with, and I've dealt with many, mostly in my personal relationships. But a narcissistic boss is far worse, because they have power over you, they can fire you, and the relationship is one that is a power dynamic.. you can walk away from a personal relationship, but you can't just up and quit a job without another lined up. You're stuck to deal with it until you can find another.

 

And I am getting more depressed because of my job, largely.

 

Yes, my goal is to get out ASAP.... the moment I can quit I will feel so much better. I wonder if narcs know how to target certain people they know they can dominate over... like those who are really nice.. or people pleasers like me. I've been told I'm too nice.. I wish I could be thicker skinned and more of biotch. But I just don't have that characteristic. I'm soft...

 

Thanks so much again.. your thoughtful reply and insights mean a lot to me!!

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Whenever something bad happens, I slip easily into suicidal thinking, like I am right now. I don't know if it's worthwhile anymore. Tired of trying, tired of getting beaten up, tired of everything. Some people are just serious a-holes, and I can't deal with it. Even mental health therapists can be a-holes, and that's just not right. They can really screw with a person's mind that way. I really feel like ending it all.

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((((((((((((((havehope))))))))))))))) so sorry you're feeling this way!!!!! :rose: :rose: We need you, please call someone if you need to ((((((more hugs)))))))!!

Edited by mulberrypie

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