Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Ladyjeanne

Does Depression Contribute To Infidelity?

Recommended Posts

Truly would appreciate any feedback you are able to give

I have been with my boyfriend two years. He is one of those people that are so kind, caring and honest and completely against lies and cheating. His has a lot of commitments in his life working long hours, bodybuilding, elderly parents reliant on him etc and we live in different towns so we only got to see each other at weekends but we are both indpendant people and it made us appreciate our time more and we were extremely happy. He told his friends he was going to marry me and we were just in the process of finding a house to move in to together. About 6 months ago he had to get in to training for a big bodybuilding competition. He was 2nd last year and was determind to get 1st this year. He worked all day and also went to gym 3 times a day as well as seeing to his parents and dog. His diet was crazy, no carbs for weeks on end and then just a few grams. He seemed to let it consume him, it was quite scary to watch nothing else seemed to mattered. He was also very unhappy at work. Because I wanted him to achieve his dream I gave him space to do what he had to but was supporting him every step. A couple of months before the competition I was barely seeing him at all, I mentioned it but he said it would improve once it was over. The competition came and he did not do very well. He was heart broken. I think he felt everything in his life was hard, he worked his arse off, neglected me and our relationship and it was all for nothing. The next week he was in a very very bad place and he broke down in tears and said he had been suffering with depression for quite a while, felt like everything in his life was numb to him, felt like a lost little boy. He sobbed like a baby. Looking back I realised that all the signs were there but I worried due to lack of seeing each other he was falling out of love with me but when I looked up depression in men all the symptons matched. So I spent the next few weeks supporting him, whilst he tried to get better. I did try to get him to speak to someone but he was not very keen. Some days he would sit out side the gym close to tears saying he felt sick he could not go in and others he would be in bed all weekend. He said he would get home sit down and before he knew it hours had passed and he hadn't done anything he was supposed to. Apart from managing to get to work he withdrew from everyone and everything. I did not see him for a few weeks but we spoke constantly. Through these months I gave him so many opportunities to let me know if he had fallen out of love with me or if he wanted to go our separate ways but he never took them. Said he knew he loved me but everything in his world seems dead to him. Would say he must be sick in the head and there must be something wrong with him.

Then he mentioned to me he might go away for a lads weekend. I said it would be good for him to spend time with his friends but to be careful with drinking as it would not help the depression. After being indecisive for a week he decided last minute he was going to go. I was a little worried with the strain on our relationship and with the alcohol so I asked if he was going away as a single man and he said I was worrying about something that would never happen and he told his best mate he had to wear a chastity belt.

The day he was due back I came across a post of his fb wall from a women, it was clear she had spent the weekend with him. Cutting a long story short, he has been cheating on me. Tried to cover his arse and lie first saying she was just a friend (but what I think was her deliberate post on fb meant he was caught out) I have not had consistent answers but I think it has been 2 months. And he took her away. No lads weekend. He admitted he had been lying to me for weeks. I asked why he did not let me go before he cheated I had given him so many chances and he said he loved me. He said his head was a mess and all over the place. I asked if he loves her but he said he is really into her and really likes her. When I first confronted him, all his love, care. Concern and protection seemed to be for her and he seemed angry at me. He said he would drive to mine to talk but he never did. I tried to get answers on the phone but he was so cold and horrible to me and did not want to answer anything. So basically it's over. I think he is now with her. It's only been a few days but our communication I have referred to her as his new girlfriend and the women he loves and has never corrected me. One day I get silence the next I get bombarded with messages of how he did truly love me and still does and no one has benefited from his actions and he will have to face the consequences. He keeps saying if I need anything to let him know. Like why on earth would I contact him for anything after what he has done. The lying and cheating is bad enough but to replace me with her. And she is the complete opposite to me, in all the bad ways (boobs out on fb) the sort of women he would never respect let alone date. I feel like the man I love no longer exists and I hve no idea who this liar and cheater is. I don't know if depression was an excuse he used to distance me so he could have this relationship or if his stae of mind contributed to him doing what he did. I know it was still his choice but I feel so desperate to understand before I move forward on my own. I genuinely belive he was depressed. But if so how could he start up a new relationship and go away for what sounded like a really fun, sex filled weekend if he was feeling so low? It does not seem possible. I have read that when a man is depressed and his whole life feels numb, he feels nothing, especially his current partner can give him what he needs to could this new women be a high, like a drug that he felt was fixing his depression? Or is it simply he just did not have the balls to finish with me and quite happily and easily replaced me without me even knowing and the depression was an act? I don't think I will ever get answers from him, not sure he knows himself or is too ashamed or doesn't care enough to tell me. So I have said my goodbyes, you cannot get past cheating and want to move forward but desperate for some sort of u understanding. I know it won't ease the pain or change anything but may help me know if the man I loved evr existed or if it was an act and this is the real him or if it was genuine and he is not himself at the moment.

If the depression is genuine,I am also concerned that if this women is a quick fix, who will probably take him for everything he has (from the look of her) that the depression will stil be there and she will probably move on as I can't see how she can love him already to make her want to help him with it and in the past he has turned to drink and drugs before he met me to deal with it. I also think he is in a bad way knowing what he did to me as he says I am the purest person he knows a rare diamond and he will never find anyone like me again. He knows he has destroyed me. Please help xxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ladyjeanne, I know it is heartbreaking to be cheated on & lied to, but please don't feel completely destroyed.  I know it's hard to hear right now, but you will be able to find a man again eventually.

 

I cannot say whether or not depression contributed to his infidelity, but I do know that it shouldn't be used as an excuse for his behavior.  It sounds like you will find the Relationship & Depression forum helpful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i don't believe the two are related. in fact, i'd say that depressed people (men and women) are more characteristic of being 'desperate' to hold onto whatever they might have in their lives. thus, with respect to a relationship, a depressed person is far more likely to be fearful of losing their significant other (or being cheated on) than the one out trying to meet a new mate. depressed people generally lack confidence, aren't very sociable, and would rather be alone in quiet settings than be in a large group of people. they don't tend to put themselves in situations where they're putting themselves out there because things like that tend to cause them anxiety.

 

of course, this doesn't mean that your ex doesn't suffer from depression, but the characteristics of a depressed person vs. the characteristics of a person actively cheating are almost polar opposites. that's why it'd be very hard to make any kind of association that depression somehow 'leads to' or 'contributes to' infidelity.

 

all that being said, having random sexual encounters can be a characteristic of someone who suffers from bipolar disorder. during periods of mania, they'll experience a heightened sense of ego where they'll seek out new sexual partners and engage in unsafe behaviors. but, again, that's bipolar disorder which is quite different than the more common form of unipolar depression which you believe your ex has.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ladyjeanne,

 

I'm sorry that you have had this experience.  I know how shocking it is to be betrayed.  It feels like being punched in the stomach.  And, for a while the thoughts that come, the questions that arise, feel like more punches being delivered.  I understand how unreal it feels, too.  Was anything you experienced with a person "real" if he could do this and lie to you?  I know about this because it happened to me.  And it has happened to friends of mine, too.  So, like you, I wanted to understand why I was betrayed. 

 

Some men who read this may object to what I have to offer on this subject, but I did a lot of "research."  I talked to men who had girlfriends and wives who would have cheated with me, as a matter of fact, if I'd been agreeable--which I wasn't.  My conclusion is that when a man cheats he does not take his cheating as a deeply personal experience--more like having a alcohol, and then moving on to what's next in his life.  When women cheat, there's more of an emotional component, so it means more on a personal level.  Men compartmentalize their lives more than women are able to do.

 

I knew women who were beautiful, smart, nice, on and on...all superlatives...who had their significant other cheat on them with women who were not half as good as they were. In fact, sometimes I think that men who have great wives or girlfriends go with someone who is "less than" the girlfriend/wife, because it gives them more power.  I'm sure you have seen stories of a beautiful actress or model, whose husband or boyfriend cheated with someone who couldn't measure up to the man's partner. 

 

I would imagine from what you shared in your post that your guy was depressed, and being with this other new person gave him a boost (or distraction!) to his ego.  He probably did...and does...feel awful about what he has done, but he doesn't want his nose rubbed in the mess he has made.  Asking him "why," will probably just make him defensive, and angry.

 

My advice is that you maintain your dignity, and not seek contact with him.  Keep your life private.  Be mysterious.  At this time, he doesn't deserve to know what you are  doing, or who you are seeing, or how you are feeling. You probably won't follow my advice, but you'd be doing yourself a favor if you do.  It takes a long time to get over a betrayal like this, but we do.  And we learn, as I and others did, to respect ourselves, and move on.  What you had with him had to have been real.  You weren't imagining things.  The good was there.

 

Anyway, I hope this posts gives you another perspective...

 

Nopawn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your question: Does depression contribute to infidelity?

The answer: No, depression does not contribute to infidelity.

 

To better understand what has just happened to you, this is the question to ask: Why do men cheat on their girlfriends and wives?

The answer: A man who cheats on his girlfriend or wife does not have any legitimate nor defensible nor acceptable reason nor explanation.

 

The cheating reveals that he has several bad character flaws that were probably always there, but you had just never seen them before.  He is a man who is selfish, dishonest, has poor judgment, lack of respect for others, and an overall weak character.

 

A good man who is going through some difficult times does not turn to sex with another woman to feel better. A good man chooses other ways to help himself feel better and manage his problems.

 

A good man who realizes that he has fallen out of love with his girlfriend or wife is direct and honest: "I'm sorry, but I don't love you anymore, and I'm ending our relationship now."

 

I'm sorry that you are suffering because of his bad judgment, bad actions and bad character.  After you grieve for a while about losing the relationship and losing him, you'll realize that it's better that you found out about him being a liar, cheater and not to be trusted before you married him and had a couple children.

 

There is probably a truly honest and trustworthy man out there who you are destined to meet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to DF, ladyjeanne.  :hugs:  

 

Depression can bring out weaknesses and make people emotionally and psychologically unstable.  The constant pain, and the contorted thinking that go along with depression can make people act in very unhealthy ways.  What form this takes really depends more on the person than anything else.  One person might go through depression and act like your ex-bf, and another (like me) might become very obsessive and clingy.  It really depends on that person's experiences, strengths, and weaknesses. There is no standard set of symptoms and reactions, depression affects us all differently.  Many of us show similar symptoms, but there are also those who are atypical. 

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this, ladyjeanne.  :hugs:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with what has already been said.

 

To add to it, I don't know that depression has anything to do with what YOU are needing right now.  You have obviously been through a lot of hurt and pain.  And you are looking for someone/something to blame.  It might be the depression.  It might not be.  It's natural to feel that way but you'll likely never get the answer you want.  I think that's a universal truth among all bad breakups.  You sound like a very smart, capable, self-assured person.  Don't let this change that.  I suggest you take the needed time to grieve and then pick yourself up and start moving forward again.

 

All that said, I can tell you a little bit of my story.

 

I had thoughts about infidelity quite a bit in one of my previous relationships.  My girlfriend was very selfish and emotionally manipulative/abusive.  That relationship is what caused my depression to initially surface.  I became so depressed and suicidal and I just wanted someone to treat me like I mattered.  Since I wasn't getting that attention at home, I thought a lot about getting it elsewhere.

 

I don't blame my ex-girlfriend for that.  I also don't hold her accountable for my depression.  In time, I realized that she just wasn't the person I needed her to be.  My inability to break up with her sooner was a combination of many things.  Most importantly, my low self-worth.  So at the end of the day, we just weren't compatible.  It was a horrible situation on many levels.  And we both got hurt as a result.  But depression or not, we were simply mismatched.  And that was the bottom line.

 

If your ex has depression, I think it's important you don't blame yourself.  It's a horrible disease that you cannot control.  And no matter how much you try to help and do the right thing, it might never matter in the end.

 

And if your ex does NOT have depression, I think it's even more important that you don't blame yourself.  Lack of integrity is also a horrible disease that you cannot control.  And no matter how much you try to help and do the right thing, it definitely will never matter in the end.

 

Always be true to yourself and the rest will work out on its own.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...