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fearispower

Am I Supposed To Be Alone?

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I'm a college student working towards a veterinary technician degree, and I have no friends.

I'm socially awkward, and have next to nonexistant self-esteem. I don't know how to approach people, or how to have normal conversations, or anything. Everytime I think about talking to someone, my brain reminds me of how they have so many more accomplishments than me, or they have great jobs like working in an animal hospital, while the only job I could get was with a crappy cleaning company. I live in a townhouse with three other guys, who I can barely talk to, because they're all older than me and not into things that I am. In my spare time, I run, surf the internet, and write fanfiction, which I can't share with anyone or I'll be humiliated and ostracized as a freak. I don't know how to meet other people who are like me. The worst thing is, everytime I think of having a lot of friends, I realize I don't want to be obligated to meet them everyday for lunch or something, because I'd rather be alone. Then, I feel miserable because I'm alone.

I've never had a girlfriend. In high school, I had someone who, I swear, I genuinely loved. But after we went to one dance together, she refused to go with me to any more, because she didn't want a boyfriend. I would've been okay with that, except I had nobody else I could ask. I tried every casual acquaintance, and they said they were waiting for their friends to ask them, which basically translates to "I'd rather risk going alone than be seen with you." And now I'll probably never see her again. I will die an old virgin, because no girl wants to be associated with a guy who spends his time obsessing over stories from video games, movies, and comic book, and writes fanfiction about them.

My family situation sucks. I don't want to call my mom, because she irritates me. All through my depression, she told me repeatedly that everyone felt that way, even those people who were so popular, in relationships, and had awards from all over that would get them free rides to ivy league schools, even though that didn't help me at all. She told me all that mattered was that I was nice, and that that would make friends and girls flock to me. She doesn't understand that being nice alone means nothing, which sucks even worse, because that's all I have to offer. Sometimes, when I kept crying through it, she yelled at me for not getting happier. When I get angry at her, she gets all pouty like I'm not grateful for raising me. My sister hates me, as she blames me for our parents' divorce. She calls me a ****ing moron everytime I make one tiny mistake, even in things I say.

I have no interesting hobbies, or marketable skills. I don't know anything about computers, cars, or any skill that would be useful. I know I don't have the guts to **** myself, because I tried. I couldn't go through with it. I can't do anything after school because my job makes me work late almost every day, which I hate because it means I can't take the bus to school, so I have to use more gas. I don't know if I even have time to see a counselor, which I don't want to pay for. I don't know want to die, but I don't want to live alone forever. Is that my only option?

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Sometimes were alone and sometimes or with other people. Also noticed by reading your post that you have a lot of distorted thoughts that seem to be feeling your depression. I would highly suggest cognitive therapy. There are several books out there that I feel that can help you with your situation. We all feel down and we all feel terrible but we don't always stay in those places. And just because you don't have things in common with other people doesn't mean you can't try to have conversations or get to know people. Also if you find that people are toxic and are making your depression or anxiety worse it's best not to have relationships with those people.

I highly suggest a book called feeling good by dr. Burns. Honestly this is the best read for depression and anxiety. It's a long book but if you take it one section or paragraph at a time it can change your life. And just know that no one is truly alone.

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Sometimes were alone and sometimes or with other people. Also noticed by reading your post that you have a lot of distorted thoughts that seem to be feeling your depression. I would highly suggest cognitive therapy. There are several books out there that I feel that can help you with your situation. We all feel down and we all feel terrible but we don't always stay in those places. And just because you don't have things in common with other people doesn't mean you can't try to have conversations or get to know people. Also if you find that people are toxic and are making your depression or anxiety worse it's best not to have relationships with those people.

I highly suggest a book called feeling good by dr. Burns. Honestly this is the best read for depression and anxiety. It's a long book but if you take it one section or paragraph at a time it can change your life. And just know that no one is truly alone.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/113076-depression-cbt-smart-phone-app/

this is an app i found that you can download on your smart phone... its wonderful!!!

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if you're in college and around that age you have plenty of time to figure out who u are, what u want, and what u want in another person. it's very important u do that or else you'll end up unhappy and either settling or setting yourself up for people that are damaged and u try to fix. now is the time to build self confidence and that will take years to perfect. I say focus on school get your degree , get a job in the field u like and everything will follow. therapy is important... you'd be surprised how good it can be for someone who is not connected to your situation to listen and give you advice that u can talk to. u can try a clinic or health center that does sliding scale based on income. that's what I'm doing to deal with my depression.

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Hey, I hear you. Having no interesting hobbies or marketable skills… this is not true. Hobbies and skills can be developed. The same to your social life. How about beginning with a safer, welcoming environment? For example, going to church or joining volunteer service in your community. You definitely have something to contribute. As for counseling, I think it would be worth a try. Does your college have counseling services?

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That constant barrage of negative thoughts about yourself is a lie! I have read up on the scientific biochemical mechanisms of depression and it really has helped see through negative thoughts. I also suspect you are probably more intelligent than average, because looking dumb is also a concern of a lot of really intelligent people.:)  You are much more capable than you think. I feel for you! If people make you feel bad, at the very least you need to distance them from yourself. You are brave waking up in the morning and making yourself face the day. You are on the right track there. As for all your actual hobbies, you probably get so involved with fantasy because you get to escape who you are and be someone else for the day. It's a coping mechanism that comes from your depression. The more you push yourself to be more involved, the easier it will get. You make friends and live a much more fulfilling life. It will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but it will make you grow and become more like the person you want to be. Also keep in mind there are perfectly wonderful things about yourself you don't need to change. I used to be a lot like you, but instead of having no friends, I was alienating all of them by focusing on my depression all the time. That was extremely painful. Give yourself permission to not be perfect. All those people who seem to are not and everyone feels insecure and alone to some degree. Your really are not alone! :)

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