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desperados

How Many Times You Think About Suicide In A Day

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Sometimes i think about it 2-3 times when depression kicks in so hard and harsh as it makes me a total loser zombie without any emotions,i end up feeling only pure sadness and unbearable anxiety with inner restlessness...sometimes it's relaxing to think about suicide no matter how cruel and ruthless it may sound i'm forced to see it as an exit that would end my misery,but that feeling doesn't last long so much in a day.At other days i suddenly think and feel much much more better and i think about living this life happily forever till to the end.My brain likes to play games with me sometimes it says life is so good to be true other days it says just go and die.

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Hard to put a number to that. It's become so ingrained in my psyche that it's less of a discrete thought and more of a general theme, like something I'll get around to one of these days. All of the logistics, notes and so on have been looped over ad nauseum. Now it just feels like I'm just waiting for the inevitable. 

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Good thread topic.  I think this is a safe place to talk about thoughts of suicide which I'm grateful for.  Lately I feel like what's the point of going on.  There too many negatives and very few positives in my life.  I don't know about you all, but all I really want to do is relax.  Not have my mind running 100 miles an hour worrying about this and that.  It makes you just plain tired and yearn for peace.  We all deserve that.  But shouldn't have to resort to taking our lives to feel peace.

 

I am scared about a method that may not do the trick, and you will end up worse than you were before.  Guess I think about it a lot, but don't have the courage to act on it.  

 

I have a new therapist, and I think he may help me find some level of peace through confronting some of the demons which have been haunting me.  He is comfortable talking about the subject, where some are not.  I think you have to be open and honest in therapy or here on the forum about feeling suicidal.  At least we all have this life line!

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It totally varies depending on when I dissociate from my real life(feel content to go on living) and when I come back to reality(feel suicidal).  The worse my physical health gets the more depressed I get and consquently the more suicidal and hopeless I feel.  Some years back I went everyday thinking about suicide for nearly 2 years, multiple times a day when my testosterone was seriously low.  Now a days it may only be a few to several times a week.  Which is sad I guess for a normal person but for me that isn't that bad.

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Unless my depression reaches a psychotic state, there is always some part of me that is somehow outside my thought stream, like some little voice that keeps telling me:  "Hey Epictetus, don't take your automatic thoughts seriously when you are feeling depressed."  That little voice almost gets drowned out by self-destructive thoughts that "pop" into my head.  I feel as though, if that little voice were completely silenced, maybe I would not be here.  But I am 60 now. 

 

Once when I was in a severe depression and in a psychiatric hospital, the little voice was almost completely drowned out.  But somehow, someway it keep resisting.  It was like my thought stream was:  "There is no hope, no hope, no hope, no hope, no hope, no hope," and then there was this little interior voice:  "You are not all-seeing and all-knowing.  You don't know the future.  You cannot say there is no hope.  There is always hope!"

 

There were times when I didn't think I would live to be 13 years old or 30 years old or 40 years old.  My life was in the toilet so to speak.  I am 60 now and some of the best things in my life happened to me when I was 58 and 59 and 60.  And it was like those things completely redefined me.  I find now that I like to help people and that this is important to me and gives me a sense of meaning and purpose and peace.  And I realize that I had to fail and mess up and go through hell before I could reach this point.

 

I can't explain it at all!!!  It is like when you are reading a book and everything is going badly for the protagonist and you might even find yourself losing sympathy for him or her and then in the last chapter of the book something happens that not only redeems the present but makes sense and redeems the entire past of that character.

 

I often think of the German Oskar Schindler, a man with failed marriages, failed businesses, broken dreams, bad habits and then he went and did something:  he saved the lives of thousands of Jews who were headed to concentration camps.  Even after that he failed at many things too and yet that one thing redeemed him.  And it is almost like, well, maybe if all that misfortune hadn't stricken him, maybe he wouldn't have done that one incredibly heroic thing in his life, that thing that defined him.  Sorry I can't put this into words.  It is so difficult.

Edited by Epictetus

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I always feel like I'm being drawn towards death but still feel compelled to tread water but its like a whirlpool is pulling me down.

i always feel like this deep down and have done for many years. i often have suicide fantasies but there's a big line between fantasy and reality .reality is always much harsher.

I've read one of your other posts about cycling every day. i hope this helps.

Society is very restricting. lots of people are outcast for ridiculous reasons lik they're disabled, fat or ill. These aren't evil things so why are people punished for these things?

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Yes Lacewing we live in a fantasy world but the real world is too hard to be true..imagine yourself being a Syrian refugee as you are miles away from your home and you are treated badly in the countries you go.

 

Oh yes you are right Dolphin2013,i shouldn't have surrendered to depression so easily to think k illing others as a favor i could do for them...we're here to kick depression in the butt and shatter it in to million pieces of dust and keep on living.

 

Thx Epictetus,you talk like a philosopher of life,i guess in your life no matter how bad things seem,you were meant to win the moment by not thinking about past or future but the only moment you take breath...we've no control over past and little control over future...there's no knowing how you would end up feeling in the future,life is a big question mark..uncertainty rules the universe but in the universe there's noting called time,there's only an eternal river of the present moment...past and future are mixed up to create the illusion of time...we've 2 million of Syrian refugees in our borders..wish there was a new Oskar Schindler to save them...terrorism,starvation of Africa and global warming seems to be the new uncureable cancers of the world.

Edited by desperados

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Depends on the day but I'm thinking 3-4 times a day on average. Some days I hurt so much I spend the entire day thinking about how nice it would be to not exist. On other days I just think about it wmfrom time to time or when something even vaguelly unpleasant happens that makes me think I'd rather die than deal with it.

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I would rather have not been born. i really struggle with the physical plane and always feel like i should be in spirit form.

i feel like I'm dead in everything but body.i find everyday life like tidying, washing etc so exhausting. I've felt like this for years. i find the physical plane so restricting.

Having said that I'm still scared of dying.

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Most days I don't.

 

But when I'm near the nadir of one of my downward spirals, I can ideate this many times per day.  It's disturbing.

 

Especially disturbing since if I had the guts to go through with it, I probably would have by now.  But who knows what the future will bring...

 

Take care, all.

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Hardly ever; but, if I do, it is generally the result of me contemplating absurd scenarios that often leave me cracking up due to the level of rediculousness. I've seen so many people die violently that I am somewhat desensitized towards death; however, I possess an inherent high value on life. The combination can be awkward at times. Watching a man about to jump to his death and I'm standing there like Willie Wonka, "no please, stop."

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At the moment I don't think about suicide/feel suicidal very often. I often have thoughts about death or that soneone should harm me. However I see these as very emotionally painful but physically safe thoughts and feelings.

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I can go several days without thinking about it, but then there are days where I consider it 2 or 3 times.

 

I'm almost 56 and I'm thinking somewhat seriously about retiring early, cashing out my pension, and traveling around the country. I couldn't sustain it for very long, but I know too many people who have retired and then fallen over dead shortly thereafter.

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One...two..? I don't take myself seriously. Much more think about spontaneous death...more than often...advantage is, it's not dangerous:) Disadvantage -I'm not a manager of the end of my life..

Hugs to all! And I wish you will never become managers of that kind.

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