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TwentyTwo

Feeling Hopeless

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So my job offered buyouts and I let them know I wanted to take it but I won't know if I'm actually going to get it until Nov. 12!!! My last day of work would be Nov. 25. I hate this job. I've hated it all year cause it sucks the life out of me and I've felt this for so long I don't know if I'm capable of feeling different. I don't know how I'm going to make it for another month. I want to leave right now, even though I don't have another job lined up and will be another unemployed loser.

I can't get excited about anything going on in my life. Career is up in the air, grad school program I would've been perfect for got the funding pulled out of it recently, everyone says I should career change by majoring in something else. But why even go to grad school if I don't know what to go for?? Lately I've been spending a very unhealthy amount of time alone and I've gotten into the habit of not talking. It's easy to be mute when you live alone, eat alone, sleep alone, work with people that only talk to you when they want something. I wonder sometimes when I do talk if my vocal chords still work since I so rarely use them.

I didn't mention most of this in therapy this week cause I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like there's something in me that's eating me up on the inside. I've been having weird dreams and when I look them up it always symbolizes something hopeful which makes me feel like cause I have no hope. I want a different life and there's nothing I can do but wait. And hope nothing else bad happens while I'm waiting. It's like I standing still while the whole world is moving forward and into better things

Edited by TwentyTwo

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Well... I can tell you one thing for sure. The whole world is most definitely NOT moving forward and into better things.

And sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. But that's only because you've not taken care of your own grass. Once you get to the other side of the fence, that grass will be great... for a little bit... until it turns brown and dies because you didn't water and fertilize it.

We need to get into the habit of taking care of our own grass. Then it will be something worth enjoying.

You want a different life but there is something you can do besides wait. And that is to take action. Set goals. Even small daily goals that will give you a sense of accomplishment. You have a month until your job ends. Use that time. Don't just sit on it.

I usually feel like I don't have any energy to do anything. It's an uphill battle at first to get off the couch. But after a week or two it gets easier. Especially if it's routine. For example, I go to the gym a couple days a week. At first I didn't really have the energy. But now I look forward to it.

Try it. I know it's not always easy. But I do believe it's worth it.

Good luck!!

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Sorry you feel so down.

If you an do stick it out because you might get a better reference, though not if it is going to harm your health.

Could you spend maybe a few minutes each day doing something to decide what you might like to do in the future. I've written some ideas below but depending on your depression/time/tiredness you could decide to try to spend a few minutes each day doing something. When I've done this type of thing I've gone for short times like 10 minutes. If I feel like carrying on researching that's fine, but if I'm low and I start off trying for half an hour I only manage ten minutes and feel a bit of a failure. If you are very depressed it might even be five minutes.

Do the people who suggest that you retrain give you any ideas what they think you might be good at? If not could you ask them?

You seem enthusiastic about the program that didn't run. Would the subjects you would have studied directed you to particular jobs/careers that you might like? If so then maybe you could research other options for getting a job like that.

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I'm leaving journalism in part because of the instability. The program I wanted to get into was in the journalism school, so it's fitting that they lost funding for it. More proof that maybe I'm right to change careers. Counseling/psychology really interests me because of my journey with depression, but I'm uncertain about it cause I don't think I have the right personality.

 

I'm actually supposed to be studying for the GRE right now. Didn't do anything yesterday. I'm about a week out and I'm completely distracted by how lonely I am. And jealous of other people that aren't. Keeping busy has always been hard for me cause I eventually get bored or lonely.

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