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Blue_Bunny

Sad Little Girl Trapped In A Depressed Woman's Body

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I'm not sure where to start and the last time I shared I made a therapist cry.

 

My basic back story:

My mom committed suicide when I was 12. She suffered from depression and prescription drug addiction for pretty much my whole life and one day it just got the best of her. I came home from school on Sept. 22nd, 2000 and found her. She had overdosed. (I believe the experience lead to the PTSD I currently suffer with) That was pretty much the day my happiness ceased to exist. My mom was my everything. I needed her and she left me. I was forced to go to therapy after she died and I was diagnosed as "bipolar". I was given ever type of medication under the sun and nothing worked. After studying psychology in college, I realized I was NOT bipolar..I was grieving and everyone calling me "depressed". I believe this is the reason that I suffer from PTSD today.

After my mom died, I was given to my grandmother and lived with her until she died from a medical overdose when I was 16. After she died, I was forced to live with my uncle. My uncle was an abusive alcohol who made my life a living hell until I left home at 18. We do not speak anymore. I don't have any immediate family or extended family that I know of. 

 

After failing to cope with everything and not having any luck with medication or therapy, I attempted suicide 3 times. Once at 13, 16, and again at 17. Every time I was committed. First time by my uncle and grandmother and the last 2 times by myself. I honestly felt better being locked up. I felt safe and my treatment involved daily meetings that I enjoyed very much. The hospital was a place where I could share everything I was feeling and I wasn't judged or ridiculed for being sad.

 

For the past 16 years I have felt lost and alone. I don't have any family and due to a dysfunctional relationship..I don't have any friends either. I'm at a point where everything from my past is colliding with my present. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for the past 9 years because I have severe panic attacks and I don't want to be alone. My partner doesn't care at all about my feelings and I'm not just saying that. I have tried to talk to them many times about things going on in my head and they always seem bothered by me talking. One time I had a bad dream about my mom and woke up crying. They said to me "This is totally what I want to be dealing with first thing in the morning". 

 

 

2 years ago, I tried to find my father and found the man that my mother wrote about in her diaries that she left to me.(which my uncle refuses to give to me because the speak badly about him) I was so happy and so hopeful. After 2 DNA tests that he kindly paid for, I found out that he was not my father and I was crushed. I had spent my whole life thinking that there was someone else out there that could fill my need for a family connection and my hopes were dashed to pieces with one word.."Negative". The thing that hurt the most is that I was so sure it was him. I had seen his children and they all shared a similar resemblance to me. I was wrong.

 

How I've been recently:

I'm isolated from everyone I know. I work from home and I don't drive so I rarely leave my home. Most days I cry myself to sleep and others I can't sleep at all. When I wake up, I usually just stay in bed. I feel like I'm doomed. I don't have any reasons to be happy. My relationship is terrible and my grief over the loss of my mother gets worse everyday. 

I recently tried getting in contact with my estranged uncle by sending him a cute birthday card and a letter mentioning that I want to put our past behind us and have him in my life again. I left him my phone number and email address. He never responded. Yet another blow to my already fragile emotional state.

 

Anytime I consider having children or getting married I think, "Why bother?". No one will be there to walk me down the aisle. I don't have any family that will attend or be happy for me. My children will never get to meet my mom.

 

I have reached my breaking point. Tonight, I sat in my bathtub for 45 minutes and just cried until I couldn't anymore. Of course my partner acted like there wasn't anything wrong with me and started a movie as a way to drown out my sadness.

I don't have anyone to talk to and I have never felt so alone. So here I am, trying to find ways to get out of the prison in my head. I am trapped.

Edited by Blue_Bunny

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I'm glad you've joined this forum.

I am sorry for all the pain you have gone through, and the struggles you have to fight every single moment.

 

I would find a primary care doctor, and a psychiatrist, and set up appointments. I know you have been on medicine before, but, maybe you need the right doctor who will work with you, and find the right medicine/dosage that will lighten some of your symptoms.

You mentioned a therapist, wasn't sure you were still seeing one? Talk therapy will be good to help through your feelings, give you some tools to help yourself, and release some of your repeating harmful thoughts.

 

You are not alone, don't give up. Take each moment at a time.

Keep this number nearby(you may already have it, but, just in case you don't) 1-800-273-8255~Suicide Prevention hotline

 

I have clinical depression, anxiety, ptsd....I understand how you feel.

Some things I do to survive~

See psychiatrist several times a year

Make sure I'm taking my medicine 

Try to make up for lost sleep when possible

Try to eat right

Talk with supportive people

Online support(this forum is a great way to seek support from home)

Practice mindfulness~this has been a lifesaver for me

Read

Listen to music

Paint, write, sketch

Watch anything that is a good distraction(favorite movies etc)

Sit outside(even if its for just 20 minutes a day)

 

Just some things that help me. 

I will keep you in my thoughts....

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I'm sorry to read everything you've been through in your post. You're a very strong person and I'm sure once you reach out like you have done, you will attract positive people into your life. You deserve it. 

 

I really relate to the feeling lonely part (although I do have people, they don't have time for my problems) and the title of your post...That's exactly how I feel! 

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Oh Blue Bunny, what a journey you have had. You've experience loss, and feel so alone. I would ask you to come live with me but I'm all the way up in Canada. Do you have women shelters in your area, that let women who are in abusive situations live in the shelter and receive counselling? I'm not surprised you liked the hospitalization since it felt safe and a place for you to talk about all that's happened to you. A women's shelter migh give you that safety and chance to talk and heal. You have been busy "surviving" and now it's time for healing. How can you find a place to do that? I would like to help you problem solve around that. My deepest respect and warm love, precious soul.

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Hi Blue Bunny, 

 

I have just replied to someone else who has ptsd from loss due to suicide. Hopefully you can support each other. Welcome here and I am sorry that this happened to you and you find yourself struggling without support in the present. 

 

It sounds to me like grief is one of the main things that is still happening for you. Are you familiar with Complicated Grief and have you had specific grief counselling for this terrible thing that happened to you? I hope so and if not really encourage you to look into getting that type of help and possibly being evaluated first. Have you been given proper treatment for the ptsd aspect of it? The flashbacks and related stuff rather than the loss. I have found getting the right treatment can make all the difference. Breaking patterns of being with unhealthy people can be really hard when we havent had enough love and support growing up. Sending you much support. 

Edited by Fizzle

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