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Well, I Think My Father's Time Is Coming Soon.


WhyAreWeHere

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He has cancer, it's progressed to the point he's almost just literally skin and bone.

 

So, while he has a mean Barsteward for the better part of my years from my 20s and onward - got kicked out of Univ (hard to study with a rabid drink on your case every day and night, literally).

Driving home would get me anxious beyond belief, I would always hope he the lights would be out and he'd be passed out as well, but if I saw the light on, my heart would race and pound so hard.

He really screwed me over quiet well because of his alcoholism which caused his cancer, but now I'm trying to work on my life and straighten out whatever I have left of it.

 

 

 

However when I was younger, of course he was fairly fun and there were great moments no doubt.  But it's the latter years which are most recent that obviously have me jaded, resentful and angry.

 

So I have a couple of questions for some advice.

 

1) While I truly don't give a what he does with his "estate - whatever it may be" as a friend put it, "you don't want the government having to take over if he doesn't have a will".

So how do I bring this up?  It's only me, myself and my mother.  Should I ask if he has a will and that if he doesn't, put it in my mother's name?  I'd much prefer that, I really don't want to deal with any of it.  I hate money to be quite honest.

 

2) I was CONSIDERING writing up a letter to him and he's very to himself and he's beyond crabby and grumpy and holds a lot of anger inside, towards his own mother for "ruining his life" ---- lol @ the irony there, considering what he's done to mine.

 

 

 

Anyways, this is a struggle as it is typing, I just don't like typing and my brain is frozen as to what to say and all that crap.

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated, ANY, since I don't have any brothers, sisters or cousins nor any other family members.

 

Thanks.

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I would talk to your mother about the estate thing.  I think normally the spouse would have claim to all marital assets, but a will and durable power of attorney and all that would certainly grease the wheels when the day comes.  There are kits available for cheap... as well, a quick lawyer visit or two.

 

My father, too, was a troubled alcoholic, but I hold much less ill will toward him now than I did thirty-five years ago when he died.  He was a raging, violent alcoholic.  But he wasn't born to be one.  Something in his past changed that - some sort of treatment from his mother and sisters drove him from his home when he was thirteen, and he was a pretty unfit husband to my mother and father to me.  So... in a way, given the lack of psychiatric help, the acceptance of alcohol use, the acceptance of many behaviors that are now frowned upon, he was driven to be the person he was.  Actually, when he was sober, he was a pretty intelligent, engaging fellow for a guy with an 8th grade education.  Too bad those times were few and far between.  He died at 67 from infectious hepatitis and liver failure.

 

Not sure a letter would do a lot?  You'd be asking him to warm to the occasion... for your benefit?  For his?  What would your letter say?

 

Best of luck with this - I can certainly empathize.

 

And I'm very glad that you're trying to straighten this out and work past it!

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He has cancer, it's progressed to the point he's almost just literally skin and bone.

 

So, while he has a mean Barsteward for the better part of my years from my 20s and onward - got kicked out of Univ (hard to study with a rabid drink on your case every day and night, literally).

Driving home would get me anxious beyond belief, I would always hope he the lights would be out and he'd be passed out as well, but if I saw the light on, my heart would race and pound so hard.

He really screwed me over quiet well because of his alcoholism which caused his cancer, but now I'm trying to work on my life and straighten out whatever I have left of it.

 

 

 

However when I was younger, of course he was fairly fun and there were great moments no doubt.  But it's the latter years which are most recent that obviously have me jaded, resentful and angry.

 

So I have a couple of questions for some advice.

 

1) While I truly don't give a ###### what he does with his "estate - whatever it may be" as a friend put it, "you don't want the government having to take over if he doesn't have a will".

So how do I bring this up?  It's only me, myself and my mother.  Should I ask if he has a will and that if he doesn't, put it in my mother's name?  I'd much prefer that, I really don't want to deal with any of it.  I hate money to be quite honest.

 

2) I was CONSIDERING writing up a letter to him and he's very to himself and he's beyond crabby and grumpy and holds a lot of anger inside, towards his own mother for "ruining his life" ---- lol @ the irony there, considering what he's done to mine.

 

 

 

Anyways, this is a struggle as it is typing, I just don't like typing and my brain is frozen as to what to say and all that crap.

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated, ANY, since I don't have any brothers, sisters or cousins nor any other family members.

 

Thanks.

 

I would check yourself if the information your friend gave you is even correct. You should have a govt dept that deals with things like wills and estates so give them a call and find out what happens when someone dies without a will. I don't live in the US (Im assuming you do?) but when someone dies without a will here, the beneficiaries can fill out some forms to appoint an executor and decide how the estate will be divided. Once the forms are lodged and approved the executor has the legal right to sell, transfer assets of the deceased and execute the estate. It may be the same where you live so track down the govt office that deals with these issues and get some advice, it may not even be necessary to involve your father or ask him to draw up a will etc.

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As someone who took care of their parents... without saying anything about how kind or loving etc they might or might not have been... I truly feel that one of the most powerful and rewarding acts is to be with them in LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING when they pass ON... That being said you need something like a trust so that you don't have to pay a fortune in inheritance tax... if he isn't cognizant enough to do this on his own maybe you could get conservitorship for him... work fast cause I didn't and lost everything my folks wanted for me.

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If your parents are still married then the assets automatically revert to them unless they have a will stating exactly who gets what.  I am not sure what country you live in but in the States if there is no will and no discernible heir then the assets will go into escrow and will be divided up amongst the next living relatives that can be found.  I would think as the sole child you would have more rights over siblings, cousins or nephews/nieces.  But escrow takes time to sort out so you do want ot avoid that if possible.  So if your parents are divorced then just ask him what he has set up.  It doesn't hurt to ask.  As well speak to a lawyer to understand the laws where you live instead of relying on a friend who may not fully understand the laws.  I am sorry your father is sick.  It is understandable that you would have some anger and resentment towards them.  Please work on healing your hurt above all else.  How they treated you is not a reflection of who you are.  It is simply a reflection of their own insecurities being taken out on you.  

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