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BPDGirl

I Really Am Worthless. [Warning?]

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***POTENTIAL TRIGGER***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After saying hello and getting welcomed, i decided that since i was back on my laptop i would write out my background, the journey to how i became what i am. 

 

I got nothing back. No sympathy. No support. No one chipping in that they also had similar or knew someone with the same problems. Nothing. Zilch. I often ask myself, am i cursed? Do i really do something so wrong?

 

Every day i wake up and i know the only reason i'm still here is because i'm too chicken to really end my life. But every single day i live in the knowledge that i am nothing.

 

No one has ever truly loved me. No one ever will. Ever man i meet leaves me. The recent one for instance, he's going to leave me because i want affection and validation, and he just isn't passionate, he prefers to be 'comfortable'. He came to stay a whole month. We had sex three times the first week, then he never felt like it again. He says he never gets horny, but i know deep down it's me. Because i'm disgusting. Even if we get along, that doesn't change the way i look. I'm hideous, so overweight. I just desperately want to be loved. Doesn't everyone deserve at least that?

 

Even my family doesn't love me. My mum had a large tumour removed recently and i chose no to go see her, when i should of, because she spoke to me like crap down the phone and made me cry for hours. She's always undermined me and treated me like trash because i didn't turn out how she wanted. My dad has always hated me, and to this day, i still have no answer to why. The others don't have time for me.

 

I have no friends. I have people i know. People i used to hang with now and then, or drink with. But i don't have anyone here to support me since i moved towns, but then again i never did even in my hometown. No one wants to be around me. I have no way to even make new friends either. I'm so alone.

 

Why am i still here? Why won't anyone validate my existence?

 

I suppose i'll just be called an attention seeker, but you know what, yes, i want some attention. I want to be noticed! I want people to talk to me, to make me feel like i'm not so alone. I want a connection for once in my life that remains strong and true...

 

But who would want to talk to a piece of crap like me. Just feed me some crap about suicide hotlines or something. I'm not worth actual time...

 

Peace.

Edited by BPDGirl

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I'm sure there are people on here who have similar situations and experiences. I'm sure a lot of people would like to respond but sometimes there just shy or not confident about themselves. I know for me its social anxiety and I always worry I might say the wrong thing or offend someone. So sometimes I just keep quiet.

But don't think you are worthless. You are not wothless, you are a human being, you are someone.

Never give up on life, always try to remain strong.

If you would like someone to talk to, I will make myself available to the best of my ability.

We all have a reason for being here on this planet. I admit it, its very hard to find that reason and sometimes it seems like it doesn't exist.

I know that after "waking up alive" I know that my purpose is to help out other people in life and try to help them find joy and happiness in theirs. Because I figure if I can't be happy then I will do my best to help others.

My name is David and I would like to be your friend.

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Sounds familiar. Minus the mother part. Mine passed away when I was 5, so I dont know how good or bad she would've been as a mother. I have a meaningless life and don't know why I keep going when theres obviously no point to my life :(

Edited by watalife

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Hi BPDGirl

You are worth time & you are important to me for one.

Have you had any therapy for the bpd at all? Is there any available in your area? MBT (mentalization based therapy) and the more well known DBT are both successful for BPD. If there is nothing available where you are there are DBT online sites that could help.

Personally I can relate to feeling as though my Dad has never loved me and feeling like an attention seeker. You aren't an attention seeker, just someone with a terrible illness and I think BPD is a terrible illness. But you can learn to live with it and have some peace.

Things that can help are a good diet, exercise, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, music. Having a 'happy' box filled with things that can help you when you are struggling.

Let us know how you are getting on. Take good care,

Girly

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Sorry for the outburst. Sometimes it's like a storm inside my mind and i can't think straight. 

 

The waters are relatively calm right now. But it's scary how low i can get in a short space of time.

 

To answer the question about therapies, i have tried to get some help, more than once. I was told that because of what i have, there isn't much that can be done for me. I was told that i should use self help sites and other things. I feel this is wrong and unfair. I'm rather low-functioning with my BPD... Coping alone without structure is quite hard. But saying that, i find it hard to get into a structured routine since i sleep when i feel the need... I literally can't get out of bed if my brain says no :/

 

As for diet and things. Well, i'm overweight and have been since i can remember. I try to remedy this with cutting out carbs, but then i find i'm starving all the time. I was doing pretty well, not eating too many carbs, and i felt like it was making my IBS a little better, not so much farting all the damn time! But i was so hungry, and you never go shopping on an empty stomach... i bought so many carbs! Sandwiches, oat bars, pizzas, burgers with buns! I'm terrible. I wish i had someone to do it with, i think it would be easier to keep going. Maybe i'll ask my boyfriend if he ever moves in to go low carb with me? It's just, finding things to eat is pretty lame. There's only so many ways to eat eggs and chicken... and i don't like fish at all. Plus, depression means i'm lazy as they come, i prefer quick food... and 0 carb quick food is almost none existent! Or it leaves you feeling like you haven't even eaten! Argh!

 

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it, i really do.

 

If anyone wants to chat sometime, i'm always a message away. watalife message me if you want, maybe we can be friends and bumble along in this silly life together.

 

David i would be honoured to be your friend sir, thank you :)

 

Sorry to hear about your dad Girly. What is it with dads being crap last generation huh? I've met so many people who either don't know, don't like, or are hated and mistreated by their father :(

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It is difficult when your sleep routine is out of whack. Where do you live? There may be options available that aren't specifically focused on BPD. I've recently been on a stress control course that was open to anyone. (I'm in the UK) and I've learnt some good techniques.

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