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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Well, when I finally managed to get up and do the chores, I somehow suddenly found the energy to do a lot more than I'd planned, so I cleaned the bathroom mirror and sink (which my roommate hasn't done once the whole freaking semester!) on top of everything else. Feel a lot better now. On track again, too.

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Annoyed right now.

I'm always depressed on Sunday night. It's a holdover from when I was working at regular job and/or going to school. Anticipating how Monday would suck.

My son is visiting which is nice, but also, something he said annoys me and I don't feel comfortable sharing it here or anywhere for that matter. It's nothing criminal or anything, just hurtful in ways that have to do with things and events that are bigger than me and my family.

And I'm making dinner for all of us, but the upside is I bought a fun dessert. And maybe I will say to myself, yeah, I can do what I want regarding food. The hell with everything.

Anyway, depression happens when a bunch of things come together for me and this is the month my mom died. She died about 40 minutes past midnight of 16 December. The chill and the early dark and memories of my mom's passing combine and it's like I feel a sense of doom.

Like look out, I'm in the heart of the mines of Moria and the Balrog is going to get me.

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Like the biggest *****. Emerging from one of those periods where I just retreat into my den and feel sorry for myself, and I feel like I owe it to some people to apologize for dropping off the radar.

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Like the biggest *****. Emerging from one of those periods where I just retreat into my den and feel sorry for myself, and I feel like I owe it to some people to apologize for dropping off the radar.

 

Good to have you back Senor!

 

I was out with people all weekend and kept today to myself. Yet, I am missing human connection tonight.  Sometimes it spoils you.  

 

The lady I am dating didn't even want to talk to me on the phone.  Hmmm?

 

I wish I was watching this Sinatra tribute with someone who would appreciate it with me.  

 

Best, all!!!

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Like the biggest *****. Emerging from one of those periods where I just retreat into my den and feel sorry for myself, and I feel like I owe it to some people to apologize for dropping off the radar.

Good to see you back, SenorDomino!

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Thank you Epictetus.

 

I am feeling really down.  I cannot shake it.   I feel like crying.  I don't know when I will get over this.

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I've been trying to improve myself externally by updating my appearance, trying to reconnect with old friends/make new friends, be more creative and put myself back out there - trying to live a happy life. But it all just feels like a shell. Deep down I'm still messed up and my moods are all over the place on an almost hourly basis. My dating life seems almost like someone else's. I've sort of closed my emotions off so I don't get attached too early due to my past relationships being all too whirlwind to breakdown within months. I hope I don't come off to emotionally distant because I genuinely like this girl I'm currently dating.

I don't know, I may finally go and see a doctor if I don't feel better soon - even though the idea absolutely terrifies me.

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Hey all.  Been away from the forum for a couple of days.  I don't know how to really describe today, let alone the past couple of days, but I'll try.

 

I feel like I had a good weekend, on paper.  I spent time with friends and didn't have much in the way of obligations.  I worked out.  I made some progress on figuring out the next stage of my life.  And yet, I found myself still feeling down and dejected.  When I was around people, a part of me longed to be away from them.  I'd make progress on moving forward with things and feel motivated, then suddenly be left wondering why I even bothered, with no warning for the change.

 

This morning, I woke up early to finish some work for school.  I'm getting it done, and it's going well.  But I still have that feeling.  I'm doing this work because I have to, and I'm doing it well because I feel like I should.  I feel stable in that.  But I take no joy in doing the work, let alone doing it well well.  I used to really take pleasure in being able to show my abilities through my work.  I woke up feeling alright for once, but that's given way to nervousness and low feelings again.

 

I feel like my moods have been swinging wildly for weeks now.  I find it draining, I find it troubling.  These days, I spend time when I'm feeling good becoming anxious for when I shift again.  I feel like the difference between moods is nearly as dangerous as the moods themselves, as I can go from feeling very up to feeling as low as I ever have, as happened one day last week.

 

I'm okay.  I'm low, but feeling stable for the moment.  But I'm still anxious about the next time I shift, be it good or bad.

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I kinda feel like someone after one of their friends has moved away.  Yuno, they say want to stay friends and keep in touch. While they try to at the beginning, over time the contact gets to be less and less. Soon you rarely hear from them, and you end up feeling like you've been forgotten.  It kinda makes you wonder if you really ever meant that much to them when they were still around.

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Thank you Epictetus.

 

I am feeling really down.  I cannot shake it.   I feel like crying.  I don't know when I will get over this.

Me too..I'm glad you are feeling better Epictetus (((((hugs to all))))) I feel like i got rotten inside..unable to feel emotions other than sadness and hopelessness and cried several times during the day.

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Down, but productive.  Gonna try to quit smoking for the millionth time.  Trying to determine whether I should continue seeing the lady I am seeing (assuming she still wants to see me).  I am falling for her, but I just think she needs more from a partner than I can give (money, first and foremost).

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Trying not to worry. I feel so overwhelmed (for years now, really). It's the last couple of weeks of school, finals week this week and last week of classes last week. I got so caught up, I didn't immediately mail out the rent when I got the bill (it's always days late, anyway, so not as late as it might seem). I decided to do it today, but I realized I'd have to pay for more checks since I ran out, plus waste gas in running to the bank and the post office, so I decided to finally do the free automated service the landlord offers. However, that won't get the money to them for several more days yet. I'm praying that everything turns out OK. I'm literally counting costs at this point, money is so short. I need to survive until my financial aid comes in for the spring, and even that will be so little, and I'll have to stretch every penny through not only the semester but the summer. I'll try to find a job, but I keep fearing I can't. (In large part because of no work history for the past 11 years, also because I have no references, and the past 11 years have drained my confidence.) I do well academically, but I don't feel able to cut it "in the world."

 

Anyway, I'm praying I can make it through until next semester, and that my landlords are understanding. They know I'm very sick, and I think they guess about the depression. My lease is up the 31st, though. It's assumed I'm going to renew, and I want to (only because I can't afford any place better), but I hope this doesn't present any kind of issue. I'm not going to worry about it. What's done is done.

 

I need to get out of the habit of being negative. Sometimes it seems like I pour energy down the drain in negativity just because I've been taught that's what to do. Or because I'm used to it or something. It's become habit, but it doesn't reflect my own beliefs or attitudes or desires. I need to learn how to live like I want.

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Down, but productive.  Gonna try to quit smoking for the millionth time.  Trying to determine whether I should continue seeing the lady I am seeing (assuming she still wants to see me).  I am falling for her, but I just think she needs more from a partner than I can give (money, first and foremost).

Man do I know how this feels.  My ex was married to a woman who supported him before we got together.  Though he made good money she paid the bills and he bought stuff.  When we met I had a great job and a big house.  He seemed to get buggy eyed when he saw my parents' house, too.  Then I went to grad school and wrote a book, which to him meant I'd be rich someday.  Ha.  Anyway, I am glad that by the time we were living together my situation had changed and I was barely scraping by.  He was less infatuated with me then.  On my 50th birthday he got upset that he was going to have to pay for the pizza party and actually made his mom think he couldn't afford it and she chipped in for the bill as my present.  He told me I wouldn't be getting a present from him either, which isn't the point, it was the greed I saw that turned my stomach.  I actually had to start cutting my own cake because he was cutting slivers for people so there would be some left over to take home.  It was so embarrassing.  Anyway, my point is I'm glad I didn't have enough funds to make him happy then.  I think he would have stayed with me for financial reasons and that would be an awful thing to base a relationship on. 

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I am really tired.  I've been working a lot to cover for a guy who was fired yesterday for not showing up to relieve me.  I had gone in to relieve a guy who had been stuck there for 24 hours because he didn't show up to relieve him.  It was supposed to be my day off.  So, he's no longer there which means I have a shot at day shift if the girl who has seniority over me declines the position.  I'm praying for God's will on this one because though it would be nice to sleep at night it would be physically more challenging.  At night I can sit down when my feet hurt but during the day there isn't time for that.

 

I went to grandparents' day at my grandson's school today.  We made homemade Christmas ornaments, read books, and ate cookies.  He was so happy to see me.  I'm really blessed to have the children and grandchildren that I have.  It's nice to have family that you actually like as well as love. 

 

Even if I don't go to days, my work schedule is going to improve.  The girl I share a shift with now is great at manipulating the scheduler so if she goes to days I will not have to deal with her requests for certain days anymore.  This should free me up to spend more time with my family and friends.  Now that I'm feeling better I don't want to sleep my days away.

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Long and emotional day. My boss continues to ignore my messages about the website redesign and getting me involved so we don't lose rankings or traffic through the process. She just doesn't get it. I want to give up the fight. It feels like a losing battle. I feel like crawling into bed and it's only 6 PM.

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Down, but productive.  Gonna try to quit smoking for the millionth time.  Trying to determine whether I should continue seeing the lady I am seeing (assuming she still wants to see me).  I am falling for her, but I just think she needs more from a partner than I can give (money, first and foremost).

Man do I know how this feels.  My ex was married to a woman who supported him before we got together.  Though he made good money she paid the bills and he bought stuff.  When we met I had a great job and a big house.  He seemed to get buggy eyed when he saw my parents' house, too.  Then I went to grad school and wrote a book, which to him meant I'd be rich someday.  Ha.  Anyway, I am glad that by the time we were living together my situation had changed and I was barely scraping by.  He was less infatuated with me then.  On my 50th birthday he got upset that he was going to have to pay for the pizza party and actually made his mom think he couldn't afford it and she chipped in for the bill as my present.  He told me I wouldn't be getting a present from him either, which isn't the point, it was the greed I saw that turned my stomach.  I actually had to start cutting my own cake because he was cutting slivers for people so there would be some left over to take home.  It was so embarrassing.  Anyway, my point is I'm glad I didn't have enough funds to make him happy then.  I think he would have stayed with me for financial reasons and that would be an awful thing to base a relationship on. 

 

 

Yep, Renee.  I understand this. I am not sure who this woman is yet, though.  Still to early to tell.  My plan is to say, "my dear, I have treated you to a trip downtown (5 star hotel) and three nice meals but I am tapped out for a while.  What does this mean to you?"  Her answer/reaction will drive MY decision.  I am in control here. I will not be a sugar daddy - especially since my sugar bowl is empty!!!

 

 

Long and emotional day. My boss continues to ignore my messages about the website redesign and getting me involved so we don't lose rankings or traffic through the process. She just doesn't get it. I want to give up the fight. It feels like a losing battle. I feel like crawling into bed and it's only 6 PM.

 

Nice to have you back Monica.  You know, in the end she will do what she wants to do.  You have done much more than most in pointing out the shortcomings of her approach. I wonder if you can just accept that she runs things and that the verdict/results will be on her.  In other words, you have done what you can.  I wonder if you can let it go.  You don't have much time left with her (I have gleaned from your postings).  You can move on to work for someone who've you've interviewed as much as they've interviewed you!

 

Not sure how I feel tonight.  I guess that's a good thing :)

 

Bri

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Dear Brian, I hope your new lady is gracious and accepts your limits... I hope she doesn't expect a sugar daddy. Sigh... looks like you have a solid plan though with your approach. I really hope this works out for you...

 

And thanks, nice to be back. :) And good points... I guess I worry that if I don't keep pushing it with my boss, that this will look bad on me to future employers if the site drops in ranking... I have it on my resume that I got them from Google page 7 to Google page 1 -- she's now ranking #3 for Indian jewelry, the highest ranking to date & an achievement I need on my resume -- if that drops to the bottom of page 1 or even to page 2, it won't look good for me in the end.. this is what is driving me the most.

 

I wish I could just sit back and let the pieces fall where they may.... sigh. But I'm losing the fight in me... perhaps I just need some solid R&R this eve--- tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

Oh! And yes! I will interview the next one as much as they interview me, without a doubt! :)

Edited by havehope

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havehope, I was going to say the same thing as Brian. Or at least, I've kinda been inclined to do so for a while. Now I understand, though, and your concern and investment in the whole matter make perfect sense. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. But yes, it does seem like this woman is just on a mission to wreck her own business. Can I ask, is she foreign? It might make a difference in terms of intercultural communication. Perhaps there's another way to reach her than the ones that are familiar to us? Or is there any way someone outside the organization could be brought in? I don't know much about it, of course, and I know you said she keeps the outfit quite small, but maybe someone who knows about this sort of thing whose opinion/expertise she would respect? Just throwing a few ideas out there. I certainly hope this situation resolves for you soon, and that you get all the R&R you need! Try not to let it take over your life and remember that better things are waiting, even if they are beyond the horizon now. Easier said than done, I know, but always worth shooting for, even if the effort just keeps us from going under. :)

 

I'm sorry for all of you who are struggling tonight, and you're in my prayers. I'm doing better. I've finished another final, so I only have two more classes to finish up. Another English final on Wednesday, French oral on Thursday, and French written final on Friday evening. Tomorrow, though, another grad school application is due, so I have to finish/tweak my statement of purpose for that school. Otherwise, things are looking up at the moment. :)

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