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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Not sure.  Lovely date last night but I am getting disturbing signals - she seems to expect me to pay for everything.  I can't afford that.  I am going to put a stop to it (i.e. we split expenses).  We'll see if that causes this to fall apart.  It will hurt, but I will be OK either way.  I do know that.

I don't blame you Brian! Especially if she wants to be your "dating partner" and not your girlfriend.

I don't think it's fair in this day and age for men to pay all the time.

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Sad that I can't buy Christmas gifts for everyone. I love buying gifts for others. I will probably figure something out I hope.

Don't worry Watalife. The sweetest gift any of us can give are little acts of tenderness, kindness and love. This year my adult sons and I agreed not to exchange gifts because we have what we need. Best gift for me is their company from time to time. This world needs a revolution of kindness.

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I was fine this morning at work, I was going out of my way to help people and having chats with them. It was good. Now I feel horrible, all my friends are going out and Im stuck in because I'm broke. I havent seen my friends in months because every weekend theyre either not doing anything or I'm broke. Ive had enough of it.

 

Everybody else is able to go out every weekend and have good times but can I? Nope, of course not. Its not fair. All my friends now in relationships too, so I'm even more alone now than I was before. I don't understand how people live life, how they are able to get good jobs and relationships. I really do not get life and its frustrating.

Edited by Doommantia
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Well, I had a terrible night. Trying to fall asleep in 30 degree weather all night with no blanket is a miserable experience. Gave up and decided to listen to some music. Tripped on the way back to bed and broke my headphones in half. Taped them up and fixed them and finally got back to my original plan of listening to music. Put them on and started playing music. Felt a strange sensation in my ear. Went to have a look and I found one of the bugs crawling around inside of my ear. One of my worst fears. Luckily I got it out. Decided to search the headphones and I found a bunch of bugs living INSIDE OF THE HEADPHONES. How? Why? I don't know. I guess they like earwax too. I just don't know anymore. Also got a dental abscess that just came in. Can't wait for all the pain THAT'S going to bring. Sometimes death is a very attractive option. I'm so exhausted from not sleeping. Feeling suicidal, just want it to end. Just a few hours of sleep and peace, please...

 

@LaurynJcat

 

They're not bed bugs. They're shaped more rectangular. They are red/black. Jump VERY far but not very often from what I've seen. They have long antennae and several legs. They also seem to glow and make a sound. Unlike bed bugs they are active 24/7. They do however bite (got bites all over my body.) Drop a crumb and thousands will come. Every nook and cranny of the house. They Infest every room, mainly the bathrooms. Every time I take a shower I have to clean out 20 or so of them. They like the sink too. They look like a combination of an ant and a beetle. Never seen anything like it. Found a bag the other day that had a few crumbs in it and there were at least a few hundred crawling around inside. We've gone through 3 cans of bug spray and all kinds of methods trying to get rid of them, but they live in the walls of the apartment complex. Everyone is infested with them. The only choice left I believe is to save up and move.

Oh my god I am SO sorry you're going through this... I've had a really bad flea infestation once and it was a nightmare, I spent nights crying and not sleeping, obsessively vacuuming everywhere...I don't know if anything changed since you made this post but know that I totally sympathize and am sending virtual hugs and support!

Have you considered an exterminator? Tried to identify the bug online? Let us know how it goes...

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I don't know how I feel exactly. I think the "numb phase" is kicking in now and it's nicer than feeling sad all the time. But it's unfortunate that my brother is coming to visit (from Canada) when I'm in this state. Don't know how I'm going to stand the holidays.

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I am so sick of it. I am sick of living. I am sick of things never getting better. I pushed myself through last year by telling myself that finishing school and going to college would make me feel better. I knew it wouldn't, I wasn't even happy when I got into the best course because I knew there would be no change. I still work and work so hard and it seems meaningless and futile, without even getting to the bit when global warming is going to do away with any happy future that could exist. I so wish now that I had had the guts to do what felt like should be done. All it seems is more living is more pain. And even if more living means more happiness I don't really want it, I've had some and I am so grateful for that, why do I need more.

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I am so sick of it. I am sick of living. I am sick of things never getting better. I pushed myself through last year by telling myself that finishing school and going to college would make me feel better. I knew it wouldn't, I wasn't even happy when I got into the best course because I knew there would be no change. I still work and work so hard and it seems meaningless and futile, without even getting to the bit when global warming is going to do away with any happy future that could exist. I so wish now that I had had the guts to do what felt like should be done. All it seems is more living is more pain. And even if more living means more happiness I don't really want it, I've had some and I am so grateful for that, why do I need more.

I'm so sorry you're in this state. I've been there, and I don't really know what to say now that could help. Just please don't do what it sounds like you're thinking of doing. I don't think these thoughts of hopelessness are rational, but rather the depression taking over your thinking. Have you tried different kinds of changes than the ones you've mentioned? Maybe getting into the best course wasn't what you really wanted? Just a thought.

 

Is there a counselor at school, or anybody that you could talk to about this? Have you tried a therapist?

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I just came back home and found my roommate and her parents unexpectedly here, so, kinda freaked out and disoriented at the moment.

 

I'm fine with having roommates in general, in fact I prefer it to being alone, but I freak out when I think I have a space to myself and then suddenly find it's "invaded." They're usually never here on the weekends. But apparently she'll be gone for the semester after her last final on Monday. I don't know when the other roommate has her last final, but Friday at the latest. After that, the house will be...well, I'll have it to myself, and that will be nice because I'll never have to be on my guard at home.

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Oh, no. I just found out my other roommate is moving out. I wish to God she'd stay! I've had such bad luck with roommates at this place - and in general, for some reason...actually, it's probably just because I can never afford much, so I always end up in the cheapest places to be found. The turnover has been amazing, too. I've been here 3 1/2 years, and I've had...TEN roommates! And there's only two other rooms besides mine. I only have to bear ~8 more months here until I go off to grad school, but still, I now have (possibly) two new unknown quantities coming into my living environment, since the remaining roommate will be splitting her room with one from the past who's returning (had a horrible experience with her, she kept waking me up and was so unapologetic...that's why my health is so messed up now, because I was on the mend up until that time...).

 

So yeah, not feeling good at the moment. If anybody knows a NICE female student/non-student looking for a room, please send her my way, haha. I wish I knew where to look for a nice roommate, too. I don't know anyone or have friends, so it's not easy. You never know what you'll get if you just post ads everywhere. These landlords practice ZERO discrimination; it's first-come, first-serve, and to hell with the consequences. Seriously - I live a mile from ASU in AZ...*sigh*

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Feeling ok I guess.  Rollercoaster ride of emotions

 

Last night I went out with a girl who I dated years ago, who I truly feel is my soul-mate, if such a thing exists. She's been here a lot on business lately and after years of forgetting all about her I am realizing what an ***** I was for letting her go. She knew all about my baggage. Depression, suicide attempts, and was still crazy about me. We get along so well, and conversations just flow effortlessly. We have the same witty, sarcastic, cynical sense of humor, and I always end the night feeling "high". Seriously, of the hundreds of girls I've dated I never felt like this. Problem is that now she is engaged, has a kid, and lives thousands of miles away. The last thing I want to do is get in the middle of two people and their child. I just can't do it even though there is so much sexual tension between us. Flirting, touching, etc.

 

As much as I enjoy being with her though, it is actually pretty crushing to know we will realistically never be together and I blew my chance years ago when I was too concerned with "playing the field". Didn't know what I had at the time. I'm wondering if I should just cut her off since it is almost too much to bear feeling so good only to be left sitting her alone afterwards, devastated. I try to tell myself to just enjoy the good times we have together, but for some reason I end up just feeling worse than before afterwards. It's like all my pain and depression get's pushed back inside for a few hours only to come bursting out in even greater intensity later. When I can put on a fake smile, and feel like putting the effort to meet girls I do pretty well. The problem is that they're all just pretty faces who make me cringe with their so called "conversation skills". 

 

The upside is that we got dinner, so at least I ate for the first time in like 3 days. Plus, I cleaned my apartment today, or rather, de-cluttered so my cleaning lady could clean. Same thing, right? Feel like a mildly functional human being.

Edited by Ybotherr
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This morning, I got up way early to bake a cake for this brunch I was going to. I could've picked up a tray of sweets from the grocery store, but no, I had to make this coffee cake put together out of various recipes I've seen.

I had it in my head that I wanted an apple butter coffee cake with apple butter swirled in the center and streusel on top. So I did the best I could. It was messy, but delicious, and still warm when I got to the place.

I chatted with one of my friends for a long time and then had to leave to take my son somewhere. Spent the rest of the day chauffeuring him around. When I find time to myself, it's been spent in cooking or playing mindless games online.

I'm tired and a little sad, but not depressed at the moment. When I woke up early, I was surprised at how well I felt. Ah well. Up and down. Up and down.

Now I'm ready to fall asleep.

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Well, I had a terrible night. Trying to fall asleep in 30 degree weather all night with no blanket is a miserable experience. Gave up and decided to listen to some music. Tripped on the way back to bed and broke my headphones in half. Taped them up and fixed them and finally got back to my original plan of listening to music. Put them on and started playing music. Felt a strange sensation in my ear. Went to have a look and I found one of the bugs crawling around inside of my ear. One of my worst fears. Luckily I got it out. Decided to search the headphones and I found a bunch of bugs living INSIDE OF THE HEADPHONES. How? Why? I don't know. I guess they like earwax too. I just don't know anymore. Also got a dental abscess that just came in. Can't wait for all the pain THAT'S going to bring. Sometimes death is a very attractive option. I'm so exhausted from not sleeping. Feeling suicidal, just want it to end. Just a few hours of sleep and peace, please...

 

@LaurynJcat

 

They're not bed bugs. They're shaped more rectangular. They are red/black. Jump VERY far but not very often from what I've seen. They have long antennae and several legs. They also seem to glow and make a sound. Unlike bed bugs they are active 24/7. They do however bite (got bites all over my body.) Drop a crumb and thousands will come. Every nook and cranny of the house. They Infest every room, mainly the bathrooms. Every time I take a shower I have to clean out 20 or so of them. They like the sink too. They look like a combination of an ant and a beetle. Never seen anything like it. Found a bag the other day that had a few crumbs in it and there were at least a few hundred crawling around inside. We've gone through 3 cans of bug spray and all kinds of methods trying to get rid of them, but they live in the walls of the apartment complex. Everyone is infested with them. The only choice left I believe is to save up and move.

Oh my god I am SO sorry you're going through this... I've had a really bad flea infestation once and it was a nightmare, I spent nights crying and not sleeping, obsessively vacuuming everywhere...I don't know if anything changed since you made this post but know that I totally sympathize and am sending virtual hugs and support!

Have you considered an exterminator? Tried to identify the bug online? Let us know how it goes...

 

I don't know where you live, but you may be able to get some help if you call the health department.  Apartment owners are not permitted to allow certain things to happen and I believe they are responsible for pest extermination.  Especially if the pests are causing harm to people with things such as bites and crawling around in ears.  I would try to avoid telling them which apartment I live in.  Tell them you fear retaliation from the landlord and wish to remain anonymous.  Tell them the entire building is infested.  I don't know what would happen if they decided to condemn the building, so that could be a risk?  Maybe someone else knows the answer to that.  I'd hate for you to go through a relocation situation if you're not prepared for it.  It just seems to me that as a paying renter you have certain rights and though my apartment is a cheap one, I know I'd push for a fix for this kind of problem.  I so wish you didn't have to deal with this. 

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I'm feeling sad b/c someone passed away - he was a friend of a group of people I used to know back in my hometown.  I didn't know him personally but I know a bit about his story.  He was very bright, athletic & kind.  He was diagnosed with schizophrenia in his twenties and was still able to go on and completed an advanced degree.  I know it was very difficult for him to do but he did it.  He died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  I hope he is now at peace. 

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I am feeling generally contented but a little sleepy.   Can't really complain.   I send my thoughts and prayers to all of your out there who are struggling and suffering this day!!!!  Hope things get better!!!!!

Edited by Epictetus
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Can't make myself get up to do chores around the house. I keep telling myself "just one more song." Inertia? I get like this sometimes. I think it's paralysis by worry. I keep waiting for it to be made OK somehow. Internally, I feel like I've withdrawn into a kind of shell, and I'm sitting in there quaking. Transfixed, unable to look away from the source of my distress, just trying to rearrange my emotions like chemicals into a better combination, or waiting for them to be so rearranged by some change, internal or external. Waiting for something that will free me from my inertia and its causes, and allow me to act again instead of just react.

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Can't make myself get up to do chores around the house. I keep telling myself "just one more song." Inertia? I get like this sometimes. I think it's paralysis by worry. I keep waiting for it to be made OK somehow. Internally, I feel like I've withdrawn into a kind of shell, and I'm sitting in there quaking. Transfixed, unable to look away from the source of my distress, just trying to rearrange my emotions like chemicals into a better combination, or waiting for them to be so rearranged by some change, internal or external. Waiting for something that will free me from my inertia and its causes, and allow me to act again instead of just react.

Sometimes I can spend hours wasted trying to figure out or rearrange my head so I can get going - I've often found the best solution is just to try and drag yourself to do something. I hope you manage to break out of your inertia

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