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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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I hate myself and my life.

Ditto

 

I badly need a shower but I dont have the motivation.  I am gonna have to do it despite my procrastination.   I haven't had breakfast as yet and it is 1:40pm.

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I'm sleepy today. Kept waking up in the middle of the night.

On my 2nd cup of coffee. It's afternoon, on the warm side: 13C or 55F.

If I were a cat, I would find a patch of sunlight in which to lie down.

I felt less depressed this morning too. I think talking about the waking up depressed thing with a friend of mine yesterday, helped. Also, I dreamed about my best friend and in the dream, she was kind of snide to the somewhat pompous waiter at this dream restaurant...It was almost like really being with her!

My T recently had a breast cancer diagnosis and she had one breast removed.I'm scheduled to see her next week and that will be a good thing.

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Crapola. Just learned that I cannot see a new therapist until January. And it's not a very convenient schedule, so I may have to shop around. And I may need to have my meds managed by my primary care doctor rather than a true pscyh doc. This is no good. Wish the old counseling center hadn't gone bankrupt! What a disaster. Four therapists too in one year because of their internal instability. My treatment has been slowly falling to pieces.

 

Off soon for a weekend out of town --- a much needed break!

 

Hugs and much love to all!

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Hey kids, 

 

Hugs to everyone who needs them. 

 

I'm having an okay day. I heard back from the interview I went on yesterday and I'll be job shadowing on Tuesday of next week. (crosses fingers). Kind of nervous and excited at the same time. I've  also been cleaning my room and taking breaks as my knees have started bothering me lately. I have a dr appt for that next Thursday. 

 

Overall, so far a decent day. 

 

:hugs: 

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Hey kids, 

 

Hugs to everyone who needs them. 

 

I'm having an okay day. I heard back from the interview I went on yesterday and I'll be job shadowing on Tuesday of next week. (crosses fingers). Kind of nervous and excited at the same time. I've  also been cleaning my room and taking breaks as my knees have started bothering me lately. I have a dr appt for that next Thursday. 

 

Overall, so far a decent day. 

 

:hugs:

 

Yay Freck!!!!!

 

I had a weird day.  Got up early than slept about 3 hours in the afternoon.  Didn't get near as much done as I hoped, though I did get some writing done and it went well. I have a date with my dating partner tonight (she won't let me call her girlfriend yet LOL).  Looking froward to that.

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I feel sick, worried, broken, and a sense of hopelessness.

 

Sick, because I haven't eaten much in a few days.  All I've been doing is crying and throwing up.  And some twisted part of me likes that I'm losing weight because of it.

 

Worried, because I thought about dying today, legitimately dying, for the first time in 5 years.

 

Broken, because I don't have anyone to talk to. (Last time I was severely depressed, my parents kicked me out, my mother told me she couldn't deal with me, and she convinced everyone I was a danger to be around so I had no family or friends.  I was only 19 years old.) I live with my boyfriend now in another state and he is the only person I know here.  I don't have a job and all we do it argue.  He blames all my insecurities on me when he has given me plenty of reasons to feel the way I do.

 

Hopeless, in the way that I don't see a point to having any.  I thought I was better.  I thought I had sleighed all my demons.  I was strong and independent, which was a first for me and it felt really good.  And then I moved here and everything has gone completely down hill.  Every answer I though I had, is gone.  I don't even know what makes me happy anymore.  That was always my answer to it before, surround yourself with people and things that you know make you happy and keep yourself busy.  But I have no idea what those things even are anymore.  Nothing is working.  Nothing is satisfying.  I just feel so damn lost.

 

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I feel sick, worried, broken, and a sense of hopelessness.

 

Sick, because I haven't eaten much in a few days.  All I've been doing is crying and throwing up.  And some twisted part of me likes that I'm losing weight because of it.

 

Worried, because I thought about dying today, legitimately dying, for the first time in 5 years.

 

Broken, because I don't have anyone to talk to. (Last time I was severely depressed, my parents kicked me out, my mother told me she couldn't deal with me, and she convinced everyone I was a danger to be around so I had no family or friends.  I was only 19 years old.) I live with my boyfriend now in another state and he is the only person I know here.  I don't have a job and all we do it argue.  He blames all my insecurities on me when he has given me plenty of reasons to feel the way I do.

 

Hopeless, in the way that I don't see a point to having any.  I thought I was better.  I thought I had sleighed all my demons.  I was strong and independent, which was a first for me and it felt really good.  And then I moved here and everything has gone completely down hill.  Every answer I though I had, is gone.  I don't even know what makes me happy anymore.  That was always my answer to it before, surround yourself with people and things that you know make you happy and keep yourself busy.  But I have no idea what those things even are anymore.  Nothing is working.  Nothing is satisfying.  I just feel so damn lost.

So sorry you're struggling and feeling so bad ((((((evelynrose42)))))) sending good thoughts and my best wishes for things to get better for you soon, and also for you to be feeling better!! Edited by mulberrypie
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I feel sick, worried, broken, and a sense of hopelessness.

 

Sick, because I haven't eaten much in a few days.  All I've been doing is crying and throwing up.  And some twisted part of me likes that I'm losing weight because of it.

 

Worried, because I thought about dying today, legitimately dying, for the first time in 5 years.

 

Broken, because I don't have anyone to talk to. (Last time I was severely depressed, my parents kicked me out, my mother told me she couldn't deal with me, and she convinced everyone I was a danger to be around so I had no family or friends.  I was only 19 years old.) I live with my boyfriend now in another state and he is the only person I know here.  I don't have a job and all we do it argue.  He blames all my insecurities on me when he has given me plenty of reasons to feel the way I do.

 

Hopeless, in the way that I don't see a point to having any.  I thought I was better.  I thought I had sleighed all my demons.  I was strong and independent, which was a first for me and it felt really good.  And then I moved here and everything has gone completely down hill.  Every answer I though I had, is gone.  I don't even know what makes me happy anymore.  That was always my answer to it before, surround yourself with people and things that you know make you happy and keep yourself busy.  But I have no idea what those things even are anymore.  Nothing is working.  Nothing is satisfying.  I just feel so damn lost.

So sorry you're struggling and feeling so bad ((((((evelynrose42)))))) sending good thoughts and my best wishes for things to get better for you soon, and also for you to be feeling better!!

 

 

I am very sorry your feeling this way too Evelynrose!!  Do you have someone to consult, a doctor, therapist?

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Feeling a bit more stable now. Though I started getting worried, angry, and depressed again when I stopped working and let my mind drift.

 

I've been working on grad school applications and my French homework most of the day. It's amazing how time consuming they are, because each school requires little changes to documents. Anyway, I'm mostly done with three more; all that's left is to tweak and upload a document or two. Now I have to finish up the one to my top choice school (Rutgers @ NB), and start the three that are due in January.

 

It's a cold, gray day here, which doesn't help anything. But it's amazing how much the protein I've been having helps. I'm going to try to look and live on the bright side, and keep squaring away items on my agenda.

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Hey kids, 

 

Hugs to everyone who needs them. 

 

I'm having an okay day. I heard back from the interview I went on yesterday and I'll be job shadowing on Tuesday of next week. (crosses fingers). Kind of nervous and excited at the same time. I've  also been cleaning my room and taking breaks as my knees have started bothering me lately. I have a dr appt for that next Thursday. 

 

Overall, so far a decent day. 

 

:hugs:

I am excited for you, freckled! I will keep my fingers crossed that it works out for you!

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Wondering why I'm inclined to depression lately - more than usual, I mean, since I've been doing pretty well for a while. Haven't felt emotionally fragile for very long in over a month. Worry about money, feeling I've frittered away too much on too little or that I've let myself down by missing opportunities/not doing things right, and fear of not being able to face what might come at me. Fear of not being able to emotionally handle negative attitudes/behaviors of others. Fear of getting worse health-wise. Even though I'm getting better in a lot of ways! I swear the lump has gotten smaller, at least a little, since I cut out the carbs. Maybe it's just a matter of getting less exercise today compared to most of the week. I got a really great night of sleep last night, though - I don't understand why the vivid dreams, but I slept maybe 9 hours. The night before, too, at least 8.

 

I'm going to try doing something fun tonight. Maybe watch those animal videos that always make me laugh. I'll try to eat better, too.

Edited by frozen
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I'm so tired.  So so tired.  Been too busy and so tired.  Its only December 4th and already the holiday shopping season is kicking my butt at work.  It hasn't even been that busy at all, its just like... everyone is stupid.  And cooperate keeps throwing all these sales at us in hopes that we can make up for the crappy sale that everyone hated for Black Friday.  And people just aren't biting.  I really wish I didn't have to work at all.  With each new sale and effort they make, it makes a lot of work for me.  I'm worried about our sales.

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First off, kudos to all of you working.  I know most of us need to work and try to be functional to keep that paycheck coming in.  I have a lot of respect for you.  I had to go out on disability and take an early retirement way back in 1999.  Seems like yesterday.  The company I was working for was very supportive and  gave me a great severance package.  I really miss working.

 

The point is, if one is depressed, it takes a very strong person and a huge amount of courage to work.  havehope, I sympathize with you about adjusting to a new boss and all.  That is tough, but your later posts seem to indicate things are going better for you.  Hang in there!

 

This has nothing to do with what I wrote above.  But through therapy with my new therapist, we are uncovering things I have blocked out when a small child. It is all a fog to me, but he feels if we can uncover these lost memories, perhaps we can get to the root of my depression.  I'm a little scared exploring this as I have conditioned myself to believe I had a very normal and privileged childhood.  This has come up in previous therapy but never really examined.  I guess

I'm willing to confront anything, as hurtful as it might be, in an effort to be happy and completely functional again. 

 

What a super shout out to those who work.  I so admire those of you who can't work, too.  It must be so hard not to isolate completely when the job is taken off the table.  I think I'd be real inclined to sit around and become very ill if it weren't for work.  I sometimes really look forward to the ritual it takes to get ready:   preparing my lunch, showering, and just moving around in general. 

 

It takes a lot of courage to uncover those lost memories.  For me, doing so answered a lot of questions about my anxiety and behaviors that led to isolation and fear which complicated depression.  I still struggle with certain things like thinking far too much about everything.  ha.  I really don't think anyone, clinically depressed or not, could expend the amount of energy I do thinking and not get exhausted and depressed.  I keep saying I'm going to start meditating but that hasn't happened yet.  My depression is worse when I'm exhausted from lack of sleep.  That's when I really lay around and crave carbs and think about stuff I can't control and past issues I can't change.  What a ride.

 

I wish you the best with therapy.  I think it's so important to just understand where we've been and how it shaped us.

 

renee2,  Thanks for responding to my post.  Sounds like we are kind of on the same page about the challenge work can be for depressed individuals, but then again it can be therapeutic as you pointed out.  I guess it depends on the type of job you have.  Mine was completely in the public eye almost all the time.  I worked for a few major department stores, mostly in positions selling on the floor, management, and then buying.  Buying was fun but very stressful as well working with vendors with whom you had to make a good impression with for the high end business.  Looking back, I was wearing a different mask for every position dealing with the public or vendors.  Underneath sometimes I wanted to scream or cry.  

 

Speaking to the other subject of family issues early on affecting depression.....I had a very productive day with my therapist yesterday.  The dynamics between my older sister and I has been a challenge all my life.  Never could figure out why she put me down all the time, or hated me for the most part.  I'm the youngest of just us two.  Apparently when she was born, my mom kind of had a nervous breakdown and couldn't take care of her.  So she was raised by dad's mom and dad for the first two years.  Then she came back home and mom seemed fine.  But, my therapist, feels, when I was born and immediately accepted by mom and family, my sister got very jealous, and in turn..... became to hate me from birth.  Interesting but it makes sense  

 

Plus I worry a lot, or think about things I should have corrected in the past but can't now and feel guilty about it.  Disconnecting from the ugly parts of my past which seem to be dictating my life now is a major priority in my therapy.  We have work to do, but I am encouraged, and feel a strong connection to my therapist.  Finally!

 

Wishing you my very best!  Keep us in the loop how your are doing!

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I just had a dream that I got into a physical struggle with a yoga instructor over a warm brownie.  I won. 

 

I was supposed to get my grandkids tomorrow night, but had to cancel because a great friend of mine is having her 50th party and I need to be there.  She's the woman who offered me a place to stay when I was leaving a toxic environment two years ago.  My son was very understanding when I told him I had forgotten about it, but I still feel guilty. 

 

I have the next four days off work.  I am very excited about it.  I've been fighting what feels like a sinus infection, cough thing for a few weeks now and I think some night time sleep will do me good. 

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im feeling sad,hopeless and enraged,I just want to look at myself in the mirror and start beating it till it cracks into pieces, then tell off everyone I know.Im sick of my life I hate it and hate myself for letting it come to this I feel so defective,im just nothing,everything feels like a chore when do i get to the mediocre part of my life.what the hell do I even want anymore,its so frustrating I just drift through life not feeling passion or motivation for anything.i just feel so frustrated I want to kick a hole in my wall,I know it won,t change anything im just sick of nothing going my way in life.I don,t even know what I could do to help myself I feel like the whole universe is against me.I feel so far gone,when I hear the word hope my brain just starts laughing.

Edited by scienceguy
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Hey kids, 

 

Hugs to everyone who needs them. 

 

I'm having an okay day. I heard back from the interview I went on yesterday and I'll be job shadowing on Tuesday of next week. (crosses fingers). Kind of nervous and excited at the same time. I've  also been cleaning my room and taking breaks as my knees have started bothering me lately. I have a dr appt for that next Thursday. 

 

Overall, so far a decent day. 

 

:hugs:

:hugs:

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Not sure.  Lovely date last night but I am getting disturbing signals - she seems to expect me to pay for everything.  I can't afford that.  I am going to put a stop to it (i.e. we split expenses).  We'll see if that causes this to fall apart.  It will hurt, but I will be OK either way.  I do know that.

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I'm noticing an improvement in my mood since eating clean for the past five days. Today I'm looking forward to a bit of shopping and then supper out with one of my sons and his girlfriend. I also feel good to have received a thank you note from my manager last night after working some overtime.

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