Jump to content

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

Recommended Posts

duck, I truly feel for you.. your rage  is perfectly justifiable and is healthy for you to be feeling! You have every right to be enraged over any abuse you suffered... and now that you're on disability because of it, it's not right or just.

 

I don't have any great advice, except to keep expressing yourself here and to allow yourself to be enraged & perhaps to start writing in a journal too, letting out all your anger. You could write imaginary letters to the abusers in your journal and tell them exactly how you feel.. that's one piece of advice someone gave me and it helped a lot to get my feelings out on paper. I used to  write everything in large caps, with underlines and bolds, and really let out all my feelings.

 

Another thought is to go to a forest, a lake, or the ocean if you're on the coast or somewhere private, and just scream out your rage.... kind of like punching a pillow or a punching bag.... but that's something I've personally always wanted to do, and never did..

 

Do you have supports around you as well that you can talk to about it such as family members who support your feelings about this? I'm not sure from your posts, but I know that you've gotten together with a few friends from time to time. Anyone you can lean on helps too..

 

Point being, expressing it, talking about it, letting your feelings out, allows you to work through the feelings and is healthy.

 

Big hugs and prayers for healing for you. :hugs:

Edited by havehope
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its been a while since Ive visited this site, I havent been particularly well for months now. Im just tired now. I have no idea what to do, my whole life is a mess. I feel alone. More recently world events and seeing racism and hatred being spouted from a lot of people seems to be taking its toll on me, I simply dont want to live on this earth with these people any more. I have violent thoughts. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've realized this morning that I need to take greater ownership of having a voice. A professor, the president of my counseling psych. graduate program, told me once that I have a powerful voice that wants and needs to be heard. This was based on a presentation I gave to the class on misogyny, though I I didn't feel strong through the presentation.

 

My voice is shaky -- I cower sometimes from speaking up or defending myself. Then I become strong again. I am not consistent & waffle back and forth between being vocal and not vocal.

 

I want to be more consistent. I need to speak up to my boss about SEO concerns I have through these website redesigns and I need to be stronger with her. She has her own method and is very stubborn about it... I need to be assertive and stand my ground and tell her that she needs to involve me more from the start. This is something I told her when I was first hired, but she continues to ignore me on this. 

 

And I cower from her because she is so headstrong, aggressive, tyrannical and stubborn. I don't want to cower anymore.,.. and I cower in the face of a bully. I need to put down my foot and tell her that the way she is going about these redesigns will hurt her business. I need the chance to get in front of her to say these things. I need to be stronger and more vocal. I need strength.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

In the process of being dumped by a good friend.  She is jealous that I am seeing someone, I think.  Says she doesn't want to be second fiddle.

I am so sorry to hear this, Brian. She doesn't want to be second fiddle, but she did not want to be your girlfriend. Makes me angry on your behalf! Was she maybe just playing real hard to get? I hate games.

It's hard to let go and I know this was a long and supportive friendship for you.

:hugs:

 

 

Thanks my dear Dolphin.   Glad you're feeling better.  As for why depressed in morning - who knows.  Sometimes, at least for me, just accepting it and not trying to figure it out is the best way to go.  You were depressed. Whatever.  It clears up and it will.  That's what I try to tell myself - with limited success.

 

As for my friend - we are friends again and you, Dolphin, hit the nail on the proverbial head. Seems she "subconsciously" thought we would eventually get together.  This despite our constantly talking about how we are not right for each other, and me helping her try to get back with her former live in and her giving me dating advise and encouragement.  Arrgh!  Anyway, she apologized, said she was just quite hurt.  Now, I need to be careful with her.  I don't want to hurt her.  I did tell her, this morning, that I would never get romantically involved with her.  Not because I don't find her attractive (I do) and not because we don't have great emotional intimacy (we do), but because I know I am not her type.  That was an issue for my last girlfriend. It lasted 5 years basically because I was a nice guy.  But, without that initial WOW factor on the attraction-level, I believe only failure can occur. I hope she understands this.  I can;t put myself into the old "well, he doesn;t really turn my crank but he's a nice guy" situation again.  I want a woman who is quite attracted to me from the get go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am full of rage because of the verbal abuse I received at work. I am on disability for the past 18 months but I am reliving the hell over and over again.  I am using CBT and  Thought Records but it is not helping me  probably because the situations were real not imaginary.  Anyone has any advice? Thanks.

 

Thanks for the good thoughts for me Duck.  Back at you bud!

 

As for CBT, I think hope's advise was very good.  For me, CBT just started me thinking and obsessing more about things and made matters worse - but that is just my pattern with this stuff.  I think you should ask yourself if you think it might be making matters worse.  If not, keep doing it.  I do like hope's advise.  Get the anger out constructively.  Empower yourself.  Accept that there are mean, despicable people out there but that YOU and YOUR opinion of yourself is the only one that matters!  Because, that's the truth!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Brian, I am glad that you and your friend are back as friends again. That's great news!

 

Funny thing too, after I wrote my last message to you about your friend yesterday, I thought more on it and suspected there were other feelings involved on her part.. she was acting more like someone who was interested in you, more than just a platonic friend would. Anywho, I'm glad you worked it out -- hooray!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've realized this morning that I need to take greater ownership of having a voice. A professor, the president of my counseling psych. graduate program, told me once that I have a powerful voice that wants and needs to be heard. This was based on a presentation I gave to the class on misogyny, though I I didn't feel strong through the presentation.

 

My voice is shaky -- I cower sometimes from speaking up or defending myself. Then I become strong again. I am not consistent & waffle back and forth between being vocal and not vocal.

 

I want to be more consistent. I need to speak up to my boss about SEO concerns I have through these website redesigns and I need to be stronger with her. She has her own method and is very stubborn about it... I need to be assertive and stand my ground and tell her that she needs to involve me more from the start. This is something I told her when I was first hired, but she continues to ignore me on this. 

 

And I cower from her because she is so headstrong, aggressive, tyrannical and stubborn. I don't want to cower anymore.,.. and I cower in the face of a bully. I need to put down my foot and tell her that the way she is going about these redesigns will hurt her business. I need the chance to get in front of her to say these things. I need to be stronger and more vocal. I need strength.

I use o feel this way havehope i can sound very passive i had to teach myself to be agressive,Someone like that you have to fight fire with fire is there anyway you could report her and get her fire or have something that to use against her some type of authority you could theraten her with or turn people against,i think she is a clinical narcissist or has psychopathy these people are cut throat and don,t behave like normal people exterem measures have to be taken to deal with them,i find many people hate them and its eassy to rally other people they have wronged to go against them maybe you could get coworkers to help you and you could all complain to get her fired behind her back or all disagree with her but you likely won,t be able to talk to her rationally.((havehope))You have to pre plan so she can,t retaliate,i know when I called the cops on my mother becaause he would fight with my mother for hours and i couldn,t take it and I told the police to talk to him he took me sersiously when I threaten to call the cops if he threatens to assualt anyone,his whole demeanor changed because he knew I was serious .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had been very interested in getting to know someone from a forum for a long time reading their posts about how alone they've been for so long and got really excited when they started talking to me. I was finally going to get to know someone who might understand what it's like being as isolated and alone as I've been for so long. After a few days it turns out they're actually in a relationship right now with someone who really cares about them, they're just in a spat right now. And I don't know how much other contact they have with people. I feel so much more alone and isolated than I've been. If that's what it is to be "alone", then what am I? I had one of the roughest nights in a long time emotionally and I just don't even want to exist anymore. There's no place for me. My definition of 'alone' is apparently not the same as other people who are 'alone'. I just want to disappear. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Scienceguy, thanks so much for your thoughts.... unfortunately she is the owner of the business, so there's no one I can report her to, or speak with about her, or get on my side about her. :(  There's not even a human resources department for me to go to. The company is very small.

 

I can only fight my battle with her, and yes, as you put it, fight fire with fire. She probably is a classic narcissist. She behaves like it... I think she's actually redesigning her website herself, without hiring an actual website designer. She's not listening to experts' input either, including my own. There is pathology here too.. she's a classic bully.

 

It's depressing me so very much. I wrote in another thread that I've never had a good boss.. or worked for a great company before. i don't even know what that's like, to actually like your job or your boss. I've had multiple bully bosses.... I feel like I'm cursed. :(

 

I don't know what the universe's lesson here for me is... to learn how to have a stronger voice and stand up for myself? I'm tired of this life lesson over and over again.

 

I'm glad you stood up to that abusive male. Good for you! Often times serious threats involving the police are the only recourse in domestic violence situations.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had been very interested in getting to know someone from a forum for a long time reading their posts about how alone they've been for so long and got really excited when they started talking to me. I was finally going to get to know someone who might understand what it's like being as isolated and alone as I've been for so long. After a few days it turns out they're actually in a relationship right now with someone who really cares about them, they're just in a spat right now. And I don't know how much other contact they have with people. I feel so much more alone and isolated than I've been. If that's what it is to be "alone", then what am I? I had one of the roughest nights in a long time emotionally and I just don't even want to exist anymore. There's no place for me. My definition of 'alone' is apparently not the same as other people who are 'alone'. I just want to disappear. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Shawn, (((((hugs))))) there's lots of people here who feel just as alone and isolated as you who can relate to how you're feeling.. sorry that one individual didn't work out per se as someone to truly relate to, since they were just going through a quarrel... I can see that it would be disappointing to think that you've found a true comrade to talk to. Keep trying though. And we're all here for you too. I often feel very isolated and alone, in fact everyday, struggling alone with my work and my emotions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't realise quite how dysfunctional my relationship with my mother is - it wouldn't surprise me if this was related to lots of issues around feeling close/intimate with people, body image, empathy/lack of and some inability to fully relate to other females. I don't know

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I finally finished the last week of classes. :) A couple of little assignments to turn in online are left. Easy enough. Then finals next week...I'm confident that I'll have an A in most classes, and probably will in all of them. Trying not to worry about the last one. I have a bit of a break over the weekend, or at least a slow-down. I can turn in more applications...and hopefully unwind some. :)

 

I'm so tired. It's partly nerves and exertion, but I think also not getting enough to eat. I will get up in ten minutes and cook myself a meal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have to be careful at work. My bullsht-o-meter was off the scales today when someone high up with a Phd sent me the sorriest bit of writing I've ever seen. The incompetency, the bureaucracy and politically correct silliness all create a stew of madness. I experience cognitive dissonance on a daily basis where I keep my mouth shut when inside I feel so disgusted. Thanks. Just had to get that off my chest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just ate and got out of the shower. Work this weekend hopefully isn't too bad. Going to have to do something about a small online shopping problem I have caught. Mostly impulse buying. Removed my card from Amazon which is where most of my shopping takes place. Bought one last thing from Ebay and once everything goes through with it I'm removing my card from paypal. My Mom opened one of my bank statements for last month... She complained. Slept a lot this afternoon and have been fighting a headache since last night. Hopefully I can actually get some sleep tonight.

Edited by roadking02
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I was as good as my word: I cooked myself a turkey burger. Actually four, and I'm fighting the temptation to have another one, but I know I need to ration my food for the next 5-6 weeks until funds come in again.

 

I feel amazingly better after eating, though. I had it bunless due to the carb-less diet, with just seasonings and some veggies. I'm still quite hungry. Trying to figure out if that's just something I'm going to have to learn to get used to for a while, or if I really should eat something else. Everything else I have is fatty or carb-filled, though, and both of those things make me feel pretty bad these days. I guess I'll hold on to the good feeling and resist my temptation.

 

At least I have this night "off" to relax. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Numb and apathetic.

 

Realized all I've eaten in the last 3 days is a bag of baby carrots. Should probably eat.

 

Days at work have just been me blankly staring at the computer with my headphones on for a few hours, and buying tons of crap I don't need. My apartment is filled with unopened boxes with probably ~$30k worth of clothing I don't even care enough about to open up. Yea, I know, it's disgusting. If I manage to pull it together I'll at least have some nice things to wear, right? Today I decided pi** my money away on copious amounts of Christmas presents for my niece since she will at least enjoy it. That made me feel good for a fleeting moment.

 

Thinking of going out for drinks with a girl I met a while back that I've just been blowing off, but worried I'll just be miserable to be around.

 

Going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow since my meds clearly aren't working for me at the moment. I desperatley need to get out of this seemingly endless rut, but just don't know how. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

duck, I truly feel for you.. your rage  is perfectly justifiable and is healthy for you to be feeling! You have every right to be enraged over any abuse you suffered... and now that you're on disability because of it, it's not right or just.

 

I don't have any great advice, except to keep expressing yourself here and to allow yourself to be enraged & perhaps to start writing in a journal too, letting out all your anger. You could write imaginary letters to the abusers in your journal and tell them exactly how you feel.. that's one piece of advice someone gave me and it helped a lot to get my feelings out on paper. I used to  write everything in large caps, with underlines and bolds, and really let out all my feelings.

 

Another thought is to go to a forest, a lake, or the ocean if you're on the coast or somewhere private, and just scream out your rage.... kind of like punching a pillow or a punching bag.... but that's something I've personally always wanted to do, and never did..

 

Do you have supports around you as well that you can talk to about it such as family members who support your feelings about this? I'm not sure from your posts, but I know that you've gotten together with a few friends from time to time. Anyone you can lean on helps too..

 

Point being, expressing it, talking about it, letting your feelings out, allows you to work through the feelings and is healthy.

 

Big hugs and prayers for healing for you. :hugs:

 

 

 

I am full of rage because of the verbal abuse I received at work. I am on disability for the past 18 months but I am reliving the hell over and over again.  I am using CBT and  Thought Records but it is not helping me  probably because the situations were real not imaginary.  Anyone has any advice? Thanks.

 

Thanks for the good thoughts for me Duck.  Back at you bud!

 

As for CBT, I think hope's advise was very good.  For me, CBT just started me thinking and obsessing more about things and made matters worse - but that is just my pattern with this stuff.  I think you should ask yourself if you think it might be making matters worse.  If not, keep doing it.  I do like hope's advise.  Get the anger out constructively.  Empower yourself.  Accept that there are mean, despicable people out there but that YOU and YOUR opinion of yourself is the only one that matters!  Because, that's the truth!

 

Thank you Monica and Brian for the suggestions.  I will keep working on my issues. I do have family and friends whom I speak to about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have regret this morning. I opened myself up too much and got slapped a bit. It doesn't feel good, and I now have tears in my eyes.

 

Feeling particularly melancholy --- had a dream that I was moving to California then work up.

Edited by havehope
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling sick about past abusers. But that's okay. If they want to continue the abuse, they can go ahead.

I know if they don't accept me, I'll make sure to keep in touch with someone else, to avoid being alone and thus a target for abusers.

I've been abused enough times one should think I finally figured out this whole principle about why they do it. I might be every degrading term one could come up with, but I'm not that dumb.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of my roommates turned the heat down to 62! I have very bad insulation in my room, so it needs to stay at a minimum of 72 (depending on the outside temp) to avoid my getting sick. I can't believe she would do something so inconsiderate and even mean, considering she knows the state of my health, though I haven't told her about the lump because I didn't want to talk about it and upset myself more. I handled it OK, (she's gone for the weekend, back to her parents who pay all her bills) except for the fact of her personal, total inconsideration of me. What kind of person drops the temp 10 degrees knowing the roommate in the coldest room is sick?? I don't want to let her upset me or throw me off. I just hate the feelings of helplessness - in the face of being kicked around - that this is threatening to bring on. I tried to bury the feelings, and they threatened to explode. So I'm glad I wrote this out.

 

I feel particularly vulnerable to these kinds of feelings taking over in this house because the landlady is completely irresponsible and unresponsive, uncaring of my needs. There was also a horrible roommate who contributed in large part to my health declining and maybe even the lump forming by causing SO much stress all through last winter, spring, and summer - and she might be moving back in come January! I'm praying she doesn't, but I don't want her causing problems again, and maybe egging on this other one, who seemed nice off and on. Now I know she's not, of course, but she and the horrible one are friends. I'm trying to tell myself I'll have the resources to handle whatever comes, but I don't want them to make me sick again, to keep waking me almost every night, to cause problems...

 

*sigh* I'm trying to keep my equilibrium, and it did help to write this out, though I know it might be incoherent because I'm just rattling off. My head feels funny this morning, too. I'm not quite sure why. I had vivid dreams last night, a long chain of them. Some good, about being in grad school, others scary, people trying to attack me. I don't think I'm sick, thank God, because it's been pretty warm recently.

 

How do I keep these people from causing problems? This house is really cheap, and I can't possibly afford to move. I'm actually praying I'll be able to renew my lease because I've been late on the rent a couple times this semester.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh no Frozen - you're working so hard and feeling good about where we live and with whom we live is SO important. You will address it when you have time. Hang in there.

 

I feel better today because that PhD fellow in my department wrote an apology email to all of us, saying he didn't pay attention to all the documents we sent him when he wrote his document. Despite the weird behavior of my (pathological) Director, my manager and I are working steadily and productively to get things done. I can't control others behaviors but I can control mine. Serenity prayer three times in a row LOL.

Hugs to all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi frozen, maybe this roommate just neglected to remember that you're in the coldest room and your state of health? Is that possible? Sometimes people unknowingly just turn the heat down to conserve energy and are thinking of the bill rather than how it may affect others. This person may have just not been thinking? Just another possibility. Sorry you're so upset!

 

So, I am fighting for my job today. I am trying to prove to my boss that despite my low morale that I communicated, I am proving my worth. I want to show her that I am a true professional and will go on doing a great job despite my personal feelings. I'm fighting for it...  I'm also fighting to be heard so that my job is done right since my boss is in the way of me doing my job correctly. The battle is on!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...