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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Today is a new day, full of new possibility and new hope. I am going to try and embrace my own signature quote... I am going to let yesterday be yesterday and try and move on. I hope this sticks for today. And I pray that my boss responds positively to me.

 

Big hugs and lots of love to everyone.  :hugs:  :icon12: 

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I'm just trying to fight through things, one day at a time.  Yesterday, I was scared, lost, and self-loathing.  All of that is still there today, but there are other feelings as well.

 

Today I'm more resigned.  Perhaps a bit mournful.  But I have some small measure of hope as well.  I have found this place, where I can speak plainly about my issues and where I no longer feel alone against the world.  To go along with the Buddha's wise words from havehope's signature, I'll add a favorite mantra from the Green Lantern comics:

 

All will be well.

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Feeling sad. I miss my late dad.

 

I did not sleep all night and I have an appointment with my pdoc today.

I'm so sorry for your loss duck!   :console:   Extra special hugs to you! 

 

 

In the process of being dumped by a good friend.  She is jealous that I am seeing someone, I think.  Says she doesn't want to be second fiddle.

Brian, oh no.. that's terrible. :shocked:  A good friend should understand that the significant other may be of a higher priority at times, and usually is top fiddle. Maybe it's something she's just not used to and will adjust? Can you make it clear that she is just as important as she always was, but that you do have someone else in your life now too? This doesn't seem fair to you... very sorry!

Edited by havehope
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Bit overwhelmed. One prof wants us to write on a horrible topic for the last quiz/essay. I'm going to email him and tell him I can't, due to background. He should be OK with it, but I keep fearing he'll dig in his heels. I've been on good terms with him for a long time, so I can't really see that, but it's a fear I often have. Trying not to listen to it.

 

I can't deal with hassle and headaches right now. Just realized how little money I have to live on until next semester. Even then, I'll get less than in the fall - substantially - but over the winter... I'll really have to stretch things as far as they can go. Drive as little as possible, maybe go to food banks instead of the store. I already let my car insurance expire, too, because I just can't afford the premiums. I'd be reasonably secure if it weren't for all these grad school fees. The $195 GRE, especially. I could've gotten a 50% fee reduction if I'd applied much earlier, but I didn't know. I'm telling myself it'll all pay off in the long run, when I actually get in and go off to my new life.

 

My NYU application is due today! And Brown's, tomorrow, for their fee waiver. I still need to get (purchase! my own!) official transcripts from the university today, scan, and upload them. And then add a description of my honors research projects. But that's it. And then I'm ready to submit! At least to NYU. For Brown, I still need to finish tweaking my statement of purpose.

 

And a paper I still haven't started due Wednesday!

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I woke up angry and upset,it feels strange I called my mother and asked if she wanted to go to lunch because I can,t take sitting in the house,she was nice enough to buy me lunch im running out of money I am get really mad at myself I haven,t found a job I asked my parents if they can loan me  money for my bills and they said they would.I just need a job as soon as possible.

Edited by scienceguy
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How are you coping at work havehope?   ((((hugs))))

Thanks for asking Duck! Much appreciated. :)

 

I am.... coping better today at least. I haven't heard from my boss yet on my message about having a low morale & how my work has been difficult. Still hoping I don't get fired for saying this, but I am trying to be hopeful. I coupled that message along with another just prior asking her to pay for certification course so that I can add more value to the company. I'm hoping that is interpreted positively in contrast to my other message.

 

That's probably more info than you were bargaining for! LOL. I am trying to be more positive today.

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I hate losing friends.  But, I did see this one coming.  She was a great help to me, but I always saw her irrational side.  She told me up front that she will be jealous if I get a girlfriend.  (And she wasn't even interested in me that way LOL).  She loved my adulation.  It's hard to take, but I guess she didn't really love me.

 

hope - seems to me you're not getting canned - too long a delay. She is probably just backing off a while to think.  You communicated your feelings and did so in a constructive way.  You were very professional.   Enjoy the reprieve!! :)

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Love and peace to all of you - lately I've been stalking this website and clicking "like" here and there, but not posting as much. I'm resolved to eat clean (porridge/blueberries for breakfast, salad for lunch and fish/veggies for supper) because I need to dig myself out. It's working. Big hug to all.

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((((((((stolenmile)))))))) massive cyber hugs being sent your way!!! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

 

Brian --- thanks so much for the words of encouragement about my job & so sorry about your friend. It sucks losing a friend... very sad. She's not thinking of your personal happiness in this situation, which is too truly unfortunate! Friends should be happy for each other when they find a new mate. ((((hugs))))

 

It is now more than mid-way through the day, & I haven't lost my newfound sense of hope.... I have no idea what caused this turnaround from yesterday when I was in a dark pit of despair. I will be thankful for it, wherever it came from!!

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So down about losing my friend.  I knew she was unreliable and a tad irrational.  But we really connected and had fun.  I always had her there if I needed some support and she always gave it.  This is a tough one to swallow while I am off on stress leave. 

 

All that said, I have other friends and will keep on trucking. That includes my friends on here. I have really come to the conclusion that I am the only person I can really count on.  I don't really say that negatively - it is just a truth I have come to accept.  And, it's OK.  I need to be dependable to myself.

 

Boo hoo  :tear2:

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I know the feeling Salparadise. I feel like I can't rely on anyone either anymore. Had friends, don't have any right now, feel hopeless, lonely, etc. So yup, I'm extremely depressed right now. Just wondering why bother.

i feel the same way I don,t want to subject anyone to my negative complaing anymore,there no point in talk to anyone,if im so miesarble that I have nothing postive to say.

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OK, I guess? I spoke to my prof, and he was fine with it, but I felt really awkward. Got so keyed up about it, though the conversation was anticlimactic. Hope this doesn't leave an awkward/negative vibe, as I'll only see him for one more class this semester, and I'm not taking classes with him again. Besides, I don't like what seemed to be implied about my background by the conversation, which wasn't true, but there was no way to explain the thing fully.

 

All of which probably sounds incoherent. Sorry. I'm so tired from the diet change. No carbs, but the body runs on carbs, and I've been getting so much exercise the last couple of days, especially today. I know I can't get too much exercise without carbs or I get this awful brain fog. And I still have way too much work coming up to crash now.

 

I got an A on my last paper in another class, though, so I think I have an A for a final grade. For the rest, I think I can also manage A's. There are only two in which I fear a B, and one isn't in my major. But I really want to keep my 4.0 with all these applications coming up!

 

I got my official transcripts (cost me $10 more than I thought!) :( and scanned them onto my computer. Now the application is almost ready to submit. *sigh* So tired.

 

I feel like I'm in a marathon, just getting by until it ends. I'm also running out of food, and I'm scared of spending any more money. :(

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feel like ive let myself down today. I was a bag of nerves today. the worst part is before today for a very long time i was motivated to try and get my ###### together. Seems like my boost of confidence was temporary, and the realisation that maybe ive set myself too many goals and the pressure has got to me. Think the worst part is i thought ihad it, just bemused with myself and my performance.

 

I can relate CA.  I do tend to think, sometimes, that our up-swings set us up perfectly for our down-swings.  I too, start believing my own press - thinking about all the things I will, can, do.  Then, of course, I don't do them.  I think the answer (one I have not myself found) is to set realistic goals and accept that we are not going to get everything we want, nor will we be everything we want to be. 

 

I have read a number of positive postings on here where people say "I am going to do this, and I am going to do that" etc. and I can almost hear the unrealistic pressure they are putting on themselves.  Pressure that beats them down, eventually. 

 

There must be some middle ground where we can just decide to pick a modest few things and keep moving toward them, accepting the inevitable setbacks.

 

Again.  Just spewing here.  I have no idea.

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I'm pretty pleased about how I handled a work situation today.  My boss had me working NYE which isn't my holiday.  She put me on for that day without asking me to please another worker.  She also switched my weekend, again to please this woman, which had me working the night before I am expected to be at grandparent's day with my five-year-old grandson.  No way will I miss that so I would have been going without sleep for nearly twenty hours.  Anyway, I sent her a text asking her if she meant to do those two things.  She didn't respond, so I called her this morning.  Both of those inquiries were hard for me, but I've really had it with people just assuming they can do whatever they want to me.  I see that I let it go on for so long because I have been so happy to just have a well paying job after a stretch where I really struggled financially. 

 

She was really short with me on the phone.  I asked her if she looked at the holiday schedule yet and she said she was looking at it right then.  I explained the weekend shift and that I already had plans.  She claimed the schedule had been out for two weeks and there was nothing she could do about it now and that I should have let her known then.  The thing is the schedule has only been out for five days, four when I first confronted her, but I didn't point that out, I decided then that I would go over her head.  I'm not responsible for her allowing this other therapist to threaten to quit if she doesn't get her way and I have every right to have my scheduled weekends and holidays off but I was not going to argue with her.  Her last day of work is December 9th and she has had a rough go with staffing lately.  I get that but she's in that position to do a job and those other things are not my problem.  I have been totally flexible and picked up hours while this other therapist milks the system with fmla.  Also, not my problem.  I'm just not going to deal with people taking their anger out on me.  Enough abusive behavior has been thrown my way.  I won't accept it anymore. 

 

I didn't respond to her.  The next thing I know I get a text saying how she gave me my two requested days off, in other words, she didn't have to give me everything I wanted because she gave me those two days.  Not.  The other two schedule changed should never have occurred.  She asked me in that same text if I wanted to work days a couple of shifts.  I sent a text back that just said ok, turned my phone on silent and went to sleep.  When I woke up there was a text asking me if I wanted to work the 13th and take the 6th off.  So, I get my Sunday, NYE off and get to work a couple of days. 

 

What makes me feel so good about all of this is that I stood up for myself.  The other girl still has a much better schedule, and there will be a new person doing the next schedule, again, and she is really close to this other therapist, but I'm going to speak to the DON after this ADON leaves.  I'm simply going to ask them for a set schedule. 

 

Sorry for the rant but I've been dealing with this for a year now.  I'm so done with it.

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First off, kudos to all of you working.  I know most of us need to work and try to be functional to keep that paycheck coming in.  I have a lot of respect for you.  I had to go out on disability and take an early retirement way back in 1999.  Seems like yesterday.  The company I was working for was very supportive and  gave me a great severance package.  I really miss working.

 

The point is, if one is depressed, it takes a very strong person and a huge amount of courage to work.  havehope, I sympathize with you about adjusting to a new boss and all.  That is tough, but your later posts seem to indicate things are going better for you.  Hang in there!

 

This has nothing to do with what I wrote above.  But through therapy with my new therapist, we are uncovering things I have blocked out when a small child. It is all a fog to me, but he feels if we can uncover these lost memories, perhaps we can get to the root of my depression.  I'm a little scared exploring this as I have conditioned myself to believe I had a very normal and privileged childhood.  This has come up in previous therapy but never really examined.  I guess

I'm willing to confront anything, as hurtful as it might be, in an effort to be happy and completely functional again. 

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