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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Feeling strange.

 

Winded up having a decent visit at my moms. Got home and my dad was going through old photos I've never seen. I have tons of memory loss from being depressed almost my entire life with derealization/depersonalization etc. so this kinda stuff interests me a lot. Knew I had a brother I never met, but found out yesterday that I have 2 brothers apparently. Saw photos of both. Also saw hundreds of photos from my childhood. I felt a bit more attached to reality for a quick second there looking at those photos of myself and my family when we were happy. Like a portal into another dimension. Weird that we're all strangers now. I guess the first 8 (somewhat) happy years got ruined by the last 12 of sad. Me and my dad are completely detached from the rest of the family, mainly me. No way to fix it now, not that I want to. It's not the same as it was. I'm a different person that doesn't long for relationships. I prefer being alone. Feeling very nostalgic lately though and all I wanna do is chase that feeling now. Trying to connect the dots through the photos to piece together parts of my life that I forgot. It's strange being in the same body that was apart of those pictures when it feels like a different person in a different reality.

 

On another topic: I woke up with bugs all over my pillows. 1 year ago I would rather have been homeless than live in conditions like this, so I guess I got over my fear of bugs to an extent. I don't appreciate their presence where I sleep but it seems appropriate to live among them. We're one in the same after all.

 

Feeling empty again. Oh well.

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Feeling depressed and anxiety. Depressed as rain all day, wife went to see her family and didnt want me to go as Im "not happy there". She is right, her dad has depression and is a bad horder. She is spending the night at another relatives house. Anxiety over no job and the one I might get I am concerned I cant do, third interview on Wednesday. Feeling very inadequate. A college friend is moving back to town, he has a very good high paying job...seems like all the folks I know are doing very well career wise...except me.

Just cant find happiness!!!!!

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Trying not to get discouraged. I've been fretting over how competitive most of the PhD programs I'm applying to actually are. Also, I thought Brown was a good fit, but now that I'm having a closer look at its faculty and course offerings, I'm not so sure. Their program and research centers certainly tout my areas of interest, but it doesn't look like they live up to their boasts.

 

I have a paper due Wednesday that I haven't started, and I don't have the text/s I'm going to use. I put it on my checklist to find them somewhere else, since there are probably resources online, but I haven't done it yet. I've just been brooding and fretting. I need to get the Brown application in by Wednesday, too, but I haven't adjusted my statement of purpose for them, or worked on my application today at all. I got my French and art history homework done, but I just feel locked in a whirlpool of worry. I feel like I can't deal with the idiocy of things. Why is this process so convoluted? It's like they're trying to make grad school inaccessible to people who aren't rich enough to dole out the endless fees, or at least the ones who don't have parents and family to help through all the steps and bureaucratic BS. I see how involved some of my peers' parents are, even doing a lot of the work for them. Not like course work, but scholarship and fellowship hunting, calling schools, forms, etc. It makes me furious. I've only applied to one or two scholarships, because I was so intimidated by the whole process. One (neurotic) prof was such a b**** about it when I asked for help that I got scared away and never tried again. It seems like those of us who had bad backgrounds and are alone in this thing are enormously disadvantaged in myriad ways. Where are all the "special interest" type helps for people like us? Every other group has its champions. You know, I read that less than 1% of kids from the state system ever even go to college, never mind grad school. Why are we so invisible and ignored?

 

I know I need to get on with things and just do one thing at a time. I just wish I had some more...hope. Am I really going to get into these ultra-competitive schools? Are many of them even a good fit?

Edited by frozen

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I've been doing pretty well for a while now, especially since I got such a high score on the GRE on Monday. But now I'm fighting despair. Trying to hold on to hope. This isn't that hard, really, and I'm sure I'll get in to one of these grad schools. I'm just having trouble holding on to the promise of light at the end of the tunnel. When it's so close on the horizon, too. It's only about 8 months away!

 

I'm telling myself to just hold on and keep trying. It's so close now. I can't give up when it's so close.

 

It's just the money that gets to me. Why does it cost so much? Don't they know how much most students struggle as it is? I feel like funds are draining away, and I'm just hoping I can make ends meet after all the fees have been paid. I'll have to find a seasonal job, when I already feel awful and so tired even just running around school campus and keeping up with course work. And next semester, I need to take 7 classes.

 

sigh. I guess I'll just have to shell out the dough and let the chips fall where they may.

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(((Hugs))) to everyone. I don't have the energy to respond to everyone individually. 

 

The day usually starts out okay, the night seems to creep in with bad stuff so I try to occupy myself --but never seem to do a good enough job. 

 

Whatever you do today, tonight... remember You matter. 

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I've been doing pretty well for a while now, especially since I got such a high score on the GRE on Monday. But now I'm fighting despair. Trying to hold on to hope. This isn't that hard, really, and I'm sure I'll get in to one of these grad schools. I'm just having trouble holding on to the promise of light at the end of the tunnel. When it's so close on the horizon, too. It's only about 8 months away!

 

I'm telling myself to just hold on and keep trying. It's so close now. I can't give up when it's so close.

 

It's just the money that gets to me. Why does it cost so much? Don't they know how much most students struggle as it is? I feel like funds are draining away, and I'm just hoping I can make ends meet after all the fees have been paid. I'll have to find a seasonal job, when I already feel awful and so tired even just running around school campus and keeping up with course work. And next semester, I need to take 7 classes.

 

 

Frozen - you are amazing. I know the money issue is daunting. In my country, the costs of post-secondary are not nearly as onerous - yet they are still bad.  You, though, are very bright and capable!  That is all I can say.  I can't encourage you to go one way or another other than to say that you impress me!!! 

 

 

(((Hugs))) to everyone. I don't have the energy to respond to everyone individually. 

 

The day usually starts out okay, the night seems to creep in with bad stuff so I try to occupy myself --but never seem to do a good enough job. 

 

Whatever you do today, tonight... remember You matter. 

 

 

You matter too Freck!!!  I love that you are here!!!  Have a good one tomorrow!

 

Brian

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I sit here so down in myself and life. I live in another state away from family and friends. No one in my family or any friends called over the holiday. I called my family thanksgiving day and spoke to some but nothin pg meaningful. If I had not called no one would have called me. Today I called several friends and no one answered and as of tonight no one called or messaged back.

I understand others have a life and are busy, it just seems life is just work and nothing else anymore. It is like life is less meaningful as time goes on.

I visited a friends Facebook page who took his life December 23, 2012 and it made me so upset as to me he had so much more going for him in life than I do. I always thought he was doing so well and it hurt then as it does now thinking how he felt there was no other option.

I just feel I am meaningless.

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Hugs to everyone.

 

I managed a shower and  a shave today.  

 

I am feeling very anxious now.

Congratulations on your shower and shave. I know from personal experience how difficult that can be.

I hope your anxiety lessens and you don't have to do anything you do not want to.

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(((Hugs))) to everyone. I don't have the energy to respond to everyone individually. 

 

The day usually starts out okay, the night seems to creep in with bad stuff so I try to occupy myself --but never seem to do a good enough job. 

 

Whatever you do today, tonight... remember You matter.

{{{hugs}}} back, Freckled! It's good to see you around here.

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I am over my migraine.

I didn't eat much yesterday and today was really hungry for breakfast, but I think I ate too much for breakfast.

Am probably going to be spending the afternoon playing chauffeur to my son. At least the rain is not freezing today.

I spent most of yesterday in bed or on the toilet, except for a period of time when my brain said, "Take a shower, you'll feel better." It didn't really help the headache. Or the stomach distress.

I even slept over 7 hours at night, uninterrupted. Except I had this dream toward the end that I was declared to have Alzheimer's because I couldn't remember my dreams anymore.

hahahah.

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Oh Renee.. so sorry! That's so incredibly unfair, I'd be steaming mad too! is there any resolution to this that you can think of? Maybe you need to beat her to it with any new manager and put in your own schedule requests as soon as possible? Not sure.. I hope you can find a resolution!! That employee sounds very manipulative --- Ugh. How utterly frustrating!

 

As the day wears on, my anxiety over what I've done with my boss is growing. I hope I've done the right thing?! It was BOLD! Oh my I'm scared --  Please hope dear DF friends that I don't get fired for this!! I don't want to catastrophosize, but I could get fired, who knows?? I pray that my boss views my message as a proactive step to address and resolve issues... I would imagine that maybe she has some idea that I'm not happy? Maybe she has no clue! I have to stop obsessing... Monday will come eventually and I will hear from her probably soon on this. Sigh.

 

Renee, I pray for a resolution for you too!! :hugs:

HH,  Resolutions for both of us would be super.  I know you're worried about your request to your boss, but I don't read anything in the message you sent her that should be upsetting to her.  You've simply said you need to speak to her about your concerns.  Any good boss would see that as a sign that you want to be able to perform better but you need to understand, and resolve, the communication issues.  It's funny that you said you don't feel valued.  That's exactly how I feel because of the scheduling preference given to the other therapist. She endears herself to whoever is doing the schedule and then manipulates them to do it her way.  It's really immature.  I don't even think she cares that much about some of it she just enjoys the power. 

 

I'm going to confront the DON about the holiday schedule, but the other stuff I'm just going to let be for now.  One of the full time day shift therapists is going part time which means the schedule will change soon anyway.  Either she will go to days, or I will, which means her demands will effect the person working the same shift as her and not me. 

 

I've asked myself how much of this bothers me because of my wanting control and I think I've hammered out that I just don't feel respected.  Aside from the holiday thing my weekend was also changed unbeknownst to me.  Had they asked me I'm guessing I wouldn't have cared, so that is a control thing with me.  I'm going to let that one go.  I still think it's disrespectful but also recognize that they are trying to switch things around so shifts won't be left open when the other guy goes part time. 

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Exhausted.  Don't feel like I've had proper rest all week.  Work, concert, Thanksgiving, Black Friday work, more work.  I'm hoping I finally get to relax today.  I had a kinda bad bout of depression last night and it wasn't fun.  I want to go back to my up mood again.

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Big wave of anxiety today. Worried about if working from home or finding a different job will work out, even though I know I have enough to carry me for at least a few months and that I have a good support system... Wish I knew how to calm my nerves. I hate it when I get like this. Listening to music to try and calm down and it really isn't helping...

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I fell into a deep, dark pit. I just want to up and walk away from life right now. Not in the sense of suicide, but in the sense of going and being somewhere and someone else. The thought of having to work here for another 10 years depresses the mortal sh!t out of me. I've been here 27 years and I'm 56 years old. I'm not sure I can make it one more month, let alone 10 more years.

I'm hopping on the next freight train headed west.

(((JD))) why do you have to work another 10 years when you're 56? Do you have an eight year old child? Child support is the only thing I can think of because alimony doesn't make sense to me in this day and age. If you don't have any obligations, why don't you hop on that freight train to be in same city as your girlfriend? A home for the cats can be found. I know that sounds harsh but sometimes we need harsh solutions to free us out of an intolerable situation. The medications listed under your signature might be enough to make a case for long-term disability/early retirement? I'm just trying to brainstorm what you might do to get out of that deep, dark pit. (((JD)))

 

 

Divorce left me with very little. Plus my ex gets half of my retirement--that's automatic in Wisconsin. I have a daughter in college so I'm helping to pay tuition. And yes, my ex gets "maintenance" payments (fancy term for alimony). I could pull my half of the retirement and exist for awhile. It's tempting, actually...have fun before I no longer can.

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I fell into a deep, dark pit. I just want to up and walk away from life right now. Not in the sense of suicide, but in the sense of going and being somewhere and someone else. The thought of having to work here for another 10 years depresses the mortal sh!t out of me. I've been here 27 years and I'm 56 years old. I'm not sure I can make it one more month, let alone 10 more years.

 

I'm hopping on the next freight train headed west.

I know this feeling. I worked for 15 yrs at a company, never enjoyed it and could not imagine sitting there another day. I turned 50 then got downsized. I hate looking for a job, very depressed each day, miss the social aspect of the job. Getting a paycheck and benefits are nice, plus the little things at work...a purpose in life.

Stick it out for 10 yrs if you can. I wish i had that boring job back...

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