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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Depression has gotten the better of me. Pretty much bed bound. My mood's been on this downward trajectory for years. Every year I seem to be a little bit worse. Perfect storm of health issues I think. I've reached the largely non-functional stage. My life is mainly about keeping the cats alive now.

Eating & sleeping aren't good. My GP (who I used to get along great with) is hostile toward me b/c I've become cranky & defensive with her. I have a box of Bupropion (Wellbutrin) in my cupboard from my last shrink I was thinking of trying. Pretty sure the GP won't write me another script tho (b/c it's off-label/not indicated for depression here). I'm guessing she'll tell me to go back to a shrink. Can't face that.

I'm supposed to be going to a family reunion tonight. Those cousins are awesome, funny, lovely people. I haven't seen some of them for years. Pretty sure I won't be making it tho.

Sorry argh, just venting :-(, today is not a good day.

Goal for the week - pick my sorry a** up & go try to be polite to my GP.

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Hopeless. I need to stay the hell off forums and stop trying to talk to people at all. I just end up more alone and feeling worse every time.

please dont leave the forums... we are here for you! message me if you want to talk privately i should be online all day!

 

 

It's not this place. I don't know anyone here other than a rare reply. I started using another one, where I'm completely invisible most of the time, as usual. But every few weeks or so someone will strike up a conversation, and within 24 hours we've had some ridiculous argument or falling out, and I've actually been blocked by one person without even knowing why. I'm that bad at talking to people.

 

well i am sure it takes 2 people to hold a conversation so its not all you!!! dont be so hard on your self mate... we are all here for each other... feel free to talk to us with out holding back... we will listen

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hopeless. I need to stay the hell off forums and stop trying to talk to people at all. I just end up more alone and feeling worse every time.

please dont leave the forums... we are here for you! message me if you want to talk privately i should be online all day!
 

It's not this place. I don't know anyone here other than a rare reply. I started using another one, where I'm completely invisible most of the time, as usual. But every few weeks or so someone will strike up a conversation, and within 24 hours we've had some ridiculous argument or falling out, and I've actually been blocked by one person without even knowing why. I'm that bad at talking to people.

I appreciate everything you have said to me. I know it is not easy to hold a conversation, I have problems with that to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hopeless. I need to stay the hell off forums and stop trying to talk to people at all. I just end up more alone and feeling worse every time.

please dont leave the forums... we are here for you! message me if you want to talk privately i should be online all day!
 

It's not this place. I don't know anyone here other than a rare reply. I started using another one, where I'm completely invisible most of the time, as usual. But every few weeks or so someone will strike up a conversation, and within 24 hours we've had some ridiculous argument or falling out, and I've actually been blocked by one person without even knowing why. I'm that bad at talking to people.

I appreciate everything you have said to me. I know it is not easy to hold a conversation, I have problems with that to.

 

I enjoyed the conversation we had.  You helped me see something about myself I'd been pondering just that day. 

Thank you for being here.

 

 

I'm starting to get really gunshy and think it might be best if I just accepted the fact that I'm not blessed with the ability to meet people, make friends, have relationships, etc. It's like spending every day dreaming of being a baseball player, and going out and practicing (and failing) every day, and devoting all of your time to getting to the majors, when you just don't have the ability. It's a really cute sentiment that we always tell everyone they can be anything they want to be if they just put their mind to it, and to never give up, and if you want it bad enough, it will happen. Sooner or later you're just going to have to accept the fact that you don't have what it takes to live that dream. It doesn't matter how much you want it, or how much effort you put in to it. You don't have what it takes.

 

I've hid away in my room for 12 years now. No friends. No girlfriends. No relationships or affection of any kind. Not that it was much easier before that. And now it's to the point that I can't even approach people online, and if a conversation does happen to occur, I can actually screw it up so bad that I need to describe the conversation to someone else so they can tell me why this person freaked out and ran and blocked me, because I'm actually so far gone that I can't even figure it out myself. It's actually that bad. 

 

I'm feel like I'm a blind guy trying to get to the major leagues. I can't see the ball. Period. No amount of effort is going to change the fact that it's just not going to happen no matter how hard I try or how strong my desire is. I'm just not built or wired the way I would need to be to accomplish the task I'm trying to accomplish. Failure is the only possible result. I really hate that realization. It's so lonely.

 

 

Thanks for the responses, anyway. Multiquote really cluttered it up.

Edited by Shawn81
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Stormy windy rainy day.  My life seems very stormy right now.  Complicated and confusing.  Almost to that overwhelmed point we all dislike.

 

I have a close friend in LA  who has been very sick and is in the hospital.  I wrote a poem about this in Creativity when Depressed thread as well.

 

Haven't been able to reach him for a few days as he has been in ICU apparently in a coma which lasted a couple of days.  Fortunately he can now breath on his own and feed himself.  He has been moved out of ICU into an acute unit.  He is diabetic, and has a lot of other medical issues.  The newest is that his kidney has failed and he is now on dialysis.  

 

His sister who lives close to the hospital with her family, has been at the hospital every day. So I have been getting information concerning his condition from her

 

I talked with him today, and he seemed so much better than before, but he is very depressed as any of us would be.  He needs so much support, much more than I can give him.  This is the fifth time this year he has been hospitalized for a month or more at a time.  I am worried about him, and I know his sister is tired of dealing with this.  The point is, every time this happens I feel so dragged down, and even more depressed.  This sounds selfish but I have given, and given, and given to my friend and his family, but I feel if I don't step back some, I am going to go down with the ship.  My therapist and Physicians agree.

 

So, for my own health and mental well-being, I have been advised to take a step back.  I need to create boundaries for myself as to how involved in this I should be.

 

I guess that is all I can do.  But then, why do I feel so guilty?

 

You care about your friend, so of course guilt feelings come. You know, though that he needs more than you can give him.

I've been in that situation and it helped me to envision my friend in the care of a loving higher power. There was nothing I could do even though I did not like his living situation, or who was caring for him. I'm not a good caregiver to myself--if I were to run off to take care of someone else, I doubt I could jump in and take care of someone else. But that's my stuff.

Please be gentle with yourself, highanxiety. You are a good friend.

 

Thanks Dolphin2013 for your kind response and understanding.  You really hit the nail on the head about this whole sad event.  Like you said, if you can not take care of yourself emotionally and have your own physical issues, how can you possibly care for someone else who is severely ill, depressed.  I am definitely and absolutely not able at this point.  Thank you for making this observation from my post.

 

I did have a long talk with his sister last night.  Apparently he is going through the phase of being mad at the world.  His illness is everyone else's fault.  She said she does not even like visiting with him because he is very mean to her.  She is very frail with her own major physical and emotional issues, and she says she comes home and cries after visits.  He apparently also has been making comments about me, abusive ones, feeling I should be down there taking care of everything. 

 

His sister and I are on the same page after this conversation.  I asked her to take a break today visiting him so she could relax and take care of herself.  She is so sweet, she wanted to warn me and apologize for her brother if he called me and started making rude remarks.  

 

I understand his anger,  but he is stubborn, and manipulative, also feeling he is always right.   At any rate, I don't feel it is a healthy place for me to be right now.  But I have offered him help in many other ways financially, boarding his dog, paying his rent, so he wouldn't have to worry.  

 

.Thanks again for your response.  We will see where this all goes.

 

Edited by highanxiety
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Went to sleep really late last night.  I got into a movie on tv and found myself engrossed in it.  Then it was 5 am.  The movie was "Inn of the Sixth Happiness" with Ingrid Bergman.  I've seen it before, but love the story.   Apparently true.  

 

Today lazy, take it easy type day.  Still worried about my friend in LA but not as much thanks to Dolphin2013's response to my last post.  

 

Have a ton of paperwork to do since it is almost year end.  But kind of want to watch a movie and chill.

 

I'm finding I need to give myself permission to do things that give me pleasure, like watching movies, instead of beating myself up after because I feel I could have used the time more constructively.  I think I am too hard on myself.

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Depression has gotten the better of me. Pretty much bed bound. My mood's been on this downward trajectory for years. Every year I seem to be a little bit worse. Perfect storm of health issues I think. I've reached the largely non-functional stage. My life is mainly about keeping the cats alive now.

Eating & sleeping aren't good. My GP (who I used to get along great with) is hostile toward me b/c I've become cranky & defensive with her. I have a box of Bupropion (Wellbutrin) in my cupboard from my last shrink I was thinking of trying. Pretty sure the GP won't write me another script tho (b/c it's off-label/not indicated for depression here). I'm guessing she'll tell me to go back to a shrink. Can't face that.

I'm supposed to be going to a family reunion tonight. Those cousins are awesome, funny, lovely people. I haven't seen some of them for years. Pretty sure I won't be making it tho.

Sorry argh, just venting :-(, today is not a good day.

Goal for the week - pick my sorry a** up & go try to be polite to my GP.

 

Els1e - Sorry it has descended to the place you find yourself in.  I just want to say that, the Els1e I see (and know) on here does not compute at all with how you feel about yourself.  I know it's easy for me to say.  I know there are health issues and other things going on.  But, again, I just have to say that when I think of you I think of a very smart capable person - the kind of person I admire to the utmost.  I suspect I am right about that.  And, I suspect others on here feel the same way about you.  I am glad you are back and posting.  Please remember what you ARE: a capable, loving woman of worth!  

 

 

tired of liars & sympathy junkies...why do those who need sympathy for an ever changing gambit of "ailments" flock to me? 

 

Another Deadhead Mike?  Yeah!  You do need some friends who aren't always taking.  That is for sure.  But, perhaps, just saying, the people seeking help from you actually need it, and they picked you for a reason.  That being that you know pain, they can sense it.  I think helping and encouraging others can give our own lives meaning.  I hope you can pat yourself on the back and feel good about yourself for helping these folks.

 

Best to you all!!!

 

Brian

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Soooooo mad about how the World Series is turning out.  I can't really say I'm surprised though.  I've been a Mets fan all my life and that's pretty par for the course, still sucks though.

 

Although I've had some pretty cool things happen today so I'm still pretty happy about them.  And I'm exhausted from work yesterday and not sleeping enough last night.  I'm a mixed bag.

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Brian, a fellow Deadhead! Hooray!! :)

 

ja341.jpg

 

Wish they came to your country too!!

 

Since you like them, here's a Dead cover band called Dark Star Orchestra. They do complete covers of specific Dead shows, so when you go to a concert, you never know which show they'll cover. They have a Bobby look alike, lol.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmbIcefBwi0

Throwing Stones is one of my favorite songs.. last night I heard of cover of Scarlet > Fire by a band I saw..

 

So excited to have a kindred spirit on here! :)

 

Good luck on your date tonight!

 

Ohhh those bears bring back some...fun memories. Not the smartest but fun.

Edited by freckledface
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tired of everything

everything will get better my friend... it will take time.. but it will get better ^_^

 

Soooooo mad about how the World Series is turning out.  I can't really say I'm surprised though.  I've been a Mets fan all my life and that's pretty par for the course, still sucks though.

 

Although I've had some pretty cool things happen today so I'm still pretty happy about them.  And I'm exhausted from work yesterday and not sleeping enough last night.  I'm a mixed bag.

huggles!! hope you can get some rest tonight!

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Controlled substances are drugs that have some potential for abuse or dependence. These drugs are regulated by the federal Controlled Substances Act (CSA) – this law helps the US Government fight against the abuse of these drugs. The CSA divides controlled substance drugs into five categories called schedules.

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Controlled substances are drugs that have some potential for abuse or dependence. These drugs are regulated by the federal Controlled Substances Act (CSA) – this law helps the US Government fight against the abuse of these drugs. The CSA divides controlled substance drugs into five categories called schedules.

Thanks so much!

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Controlled substances are drugs that have some potential for abuse or dependence. These drugs are regulated by the federal Controlled Substances Act (CSA) – this law helps the US Government fight against the abuse of these drugs. The CSA divides controlled substance drugs into five categories called schedules.

Thanks so much!

 

anytime dear friend

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