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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Sorry I've been so absent here folks.  Sadly enough I just don't have time during the day anymore like I used to...and I'm definitely feeling it.  Oddly enough I'm actually "working" at my job now.  Sigh....I miss the good 'ol days of sitting on my ass, posting on DF all day.  It was the best therapy ever.  I hope everyone is doing well, or at least as good as they can be.  I may not post much but trust me I'm thinking of my extended family often.

 

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!  What?!?!?  It's only Tuesday!??!!   it's going to be one of those weeks isn't it :shocked:

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It's 10 pm...did any laundry get done?...um...nope! LOL. But I did organize some of my beads and I started a project involving metallic paints so I now have at least three different colors of paint my hands. Painting is fun.

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Kind of down. Sometimes I fall apart for no reason.  Yesterday I had a flu shot and ran a lot of errands.  Today I feel like I have a mild case of the flu which I guess can happen.  That is probably one of the triggers for a weird day.

 

Not a lot of motivation to do all I need to do, but at least I cleaned the house today.  

 

Looking forward to my therapy appointment Thursday.

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Not feeling too good now, been having fights over the stupidest things with my mom the last few nights..like tonight the cats were meowing and she fussed at me for wanting to let them out and last night she hid the camera from me, etc...and it seems like my dad is getting annoyed with me and taking her side. Feeling like a panic attack could happen at any moment now...I am getting so tired of this

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I think everything is caving in on me all at the same time... in my head. Living with my parents, not sure about where I'm going to live or what I'm going to do, my next steps... taking the next steps in my career, getting out of my job, getting a better job... all I want to do is see live music and dance. And hang out with my boyfriend without thinking about California. That's all that makes me feel good these days. The rest... meh

 

The Mummer's Dance, Loreena Mckennitt, beautiful song... it always makes me smile.. if I play it loudly in my car and sing too lol

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc7Ke9Org9U

 

Another favorite band, The Samples:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK8PcXCAtBs

 

And finally. The String Cheese Incident, the band I just saw... skip ahead to 8:45 mins... happy music!!!! Joyful Sound is the song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRYy-soGoUI

Edited by havehope
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Sometimes I feel negligent on this site.  For not engaging with newer people enough, and therefore, seemingly like a member of the "in-club."  Not my intention at all (heck, I have never been in the "in-club" in my life LOL, but, you do tend to reply to the people that post more frequently.

 

I also wish I that I would notice the absence of my friends more.  Els1e had dropped for a couple of days and she's back now (YAY!!) and I didn't really notice, busy as I was responding to the most recent postings etc.  

 

So I just went and did a scan and found a few more who have not posted, and I am worried about them.

 

Forgive this post - just me thinking out loud LOL.

 

Best, everyone!!!

 

Brian

 

Aw no Brian, you're one of the most amazingly supportive people here. Like Havehope & freckle (per above - re feeling guilty for not being helpful enough to people) - it's funny how the nicest, kindest, most caring/giving people are the most down on themselves.

 

I feel bad I'm not more help (altho in my case I'm really not). I'm just not very good at it :(. Always feel like I'm saying the wrong thing & making it worse. I'm also sorry I'm not more help to new people. A thread with the word 'feelings' in any part of the title just typically has me running/screaming in the opposite direction haha. Sorry guys :-(. I love you all though *hugs*

 

I like the string cheese song havehope :smile:

Edited by Els1e
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I feel like having amnesia or complete memory loss would be better than living with the mistakes of my past.

Me too, sister!

I guess they are part of me, my mistakes. I don't have to repeat them. Nor do you. Think of your life as a library. And your mistakes are cataloged in one part. And you have to walk past that room to get to the next part of your life. But you don't have to go in. And even if you, you don't have to select a microfilm and take it over to the viewing machine! Even if you do that, you don't have to turn the machine on, put the film in and view the film!!

And even if you do, you get to turn the machine off immediately. Or leave the room. Let the librarians take care of the mess.

If I dwell on my mistakes too long (or in the My Mistakes section in the Library of My Life), I get nauseated, depressed and feel like I want to disappear. They are immense, my mistakes and while I get a shock every now and then when one pops up to mess with me, I try to take it as a learning moment and hopefully think, "well, I'll never do that again!"

 

 

Thank you for this, dolphin. I'm going to copy this for future reference.  It's been a rough couple of days and I've been getting bombarded with triggers and all sorts of ugliness. I feel disconnected from friends I used to have a deep connection with and that makes me feel completely alone, no one knows me anymore. They don't see me. Somehow I've become invisible to people I thought cared about me.  Today, I'm just an emotional mess but I've made great efforts to keep myself busy and it's helped some.

 

Sorry I haven't been around much. Hugs to you all. 

 

 

(((((((((((((((((((((Freckled))))))))))))))))))))))). You'll never be invisible to me bud xoxox

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Hey Els1e, you're beautiful just as you are.... no matter what. Your presence here is beautiful and I'm so glad you're here!!!!  :) :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: Glad you liked the String Cheese :) they are so amazing.

 

Aw wow, you're so sweet hh. Thank you!!  :hearts: :hearts:  :hearts:   Although, compliment - arrghhhhhhhhh, hide hide hide hide haha  :smilingteeth:

 

spdr.gif

Edited by Els1e
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I'm alright, I guess. Just thinking of a little stunt my psychatrist pulled last Wednesday.

I didn't fill a multivitamin he prescribed, for whatever reason I can't remember. Maybe I just didn't feel like taking any more meds, and then he criticizes me about it and that it WILL help. I completely understand all that, believe me. I should have filled it, but then afterwards he says, "do you understand me!?" - like a parent scolding his or her child. I wasn't upset, because that's what I've come to expect from these people and this office especially. He tried to intimidate me, and it didn't work. I'm tougher and smarter than he thinks I am. However, I did get mad that I have to take more medication.

In my opinion, you NEVER scorn or raise your voice to your patient, even if they do screw up. Mistakes happen.

Regardless, just another day at the office for me: dealing with crap on a regular basis.

~ KS

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I feel like having amnesia or complete memory loss would be better than living with the mistakes of my past.

Me too, sister!

I guess they are part of me, my mistakes. I don't have to repeat them. Nor do you. Think of your life as a library. And your mistakes are cataloged in one part. And you have to walk past that room to get to the next part of your life. But you don't have to go in. And even if you, you don't have to select a microfilm and take it over to the viewing machine! Even if you do that, you don't have to turn the machine on, put the film in and view the film!!

And even if you do, you get to turn the machine off immediately. Or leave the room. Let the librarians take care of the mess.

If I dwell on my mistakes too long (or in the My Mistakes section in the Library of My Life), I get nauseated, depressed and feel like I want to disappear. They are immense, my mistakes and while I get a shock every now and then when one pops up to mess with me, I try to take it as a learning moment and hopefully think, "well, I'll never do that again!"

 

 

Thank you for this, dolphin. I'm going to copy this for future reference.  It's been a rough couple of days and I've been getting bombarded with triggers and all sorts of ugliness. I feel disconnected from friends I used to have a deep connection with and that makes me feel completely alone, no one knows me anymore. They don't see me. Somehow I've become invisible to people I thought cared about me.  Today, I'm just an emotional mess but I've made great efforts to keep myself busy and it's helped some.

 

Sorry I haven't been around much. Hugs to you all. 

 

yes thank you dolphin! i needed to read this!!!!

 

I love this and want to thank you, too, Dolphin.  I've been telling myself, since reading it a couple of days ago, that I have choices as to how far down that road I want to go.  I've also been asking myself what sort of reward I'm getting if I go all the way with past mistakes.  I believe I do things because I get a reward.  So, if misery is what I want then the past is where I can find it for sure.  It's really screwed up logic.  Has anyone read What The Bleep:  Down The Rabbit Hole?  It's been a while since I read it and I think I'll do so again, but one thing that sticks with me about the book is that it talks about the endorphin release achieved from reinforcing negative thoughts and that it becomes necessary to sever the receptor site in the brain where those negative thoughts have routed themselves.  It's sort of like how narcotics effect receptor sites and those sites, sensing the already fullness of endorphins, stop producing more.  It's one of the reasons people who quit narcotics feel so horrible for a time until those receptor sites recognize the need to produce more endorphins again.  I'm sure that's a simplified explanation and would love to hear more about this theory if anyone has looked into it more.

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I think melatonin has saved my life.  I dislike that I have to take one medication to lift my mood and one to put me to sleep, but I guess for now I do.  I would like to be as active with bicycling as I was just a couple of years ago because I know it helps with mood and with my self-esteem, because I can eat more and still be in shape, but I'm also not there yet. 

I read somewhere that depression is not caring about anything, and anxiety is caring too much about everything and both is he!!.  I would agree with that.  Switch on:  Switch off.  I'm a bit more balanced now then I was a couple of months ago, but still have a ways to go.  Sleep helps.

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Wednesday, hump day! :cat_jumps: Two more days until freedom! Wish I still had my Greek Goddess Halloween costume. I'm inspired to dress up this year, even though I have no place to go  :boredsmiley: 

 

It was fun being on chat last night... I thoroughly enjoyed the social time. :gathering:   I just love DF!!!

 

:hugs:  and :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: to all

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Wednesday, hump day! :cat_jumps: Two more days until freedom! Wish I still had my Greek Goddess Halloween costume. I'm inspired to dress up this year, even though I have no place to go  :boredsmiley:

 

It was fun being on chat last night... I thoroughly enjoyed the social time. :gathering:   I just love DF!!!

 

:hugs:  and :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: :icon12: to all

it was fun! got on at 7pm next thing you know me and you were talking still at 1230! lol

i am feeling rather pi**y and discouraged... i went to fill out a job application for a drug store near me and the application is sooo horrible!!!!

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LOL... I know! We talked for a long while! :) Very sorry about the application... ugh :verysad3:  Maybe do a different one tomorrow, some place else? You'll get there!!  :hugs:

well i did complete at least 1 this morning.. working for wawa's hopefully! goddess knows i need the mulah!!

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I'm feeling SO good lately. I'm at 5.5 weeks on Lexapro but I feel like my normal self again these past three days. It's amazing. I almost forgot to take my medication last night because it wasn't even on my mind - I was thinking of other things, good things. 

 

Feeling hopeful for myself but also feeling hopeful that everyone else can turn a corner too! There is hope! It WILL get better. Some days will be better than others but it will get better. Hope everyone is well. 

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