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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Rough day. Something is off, can't put my finger on it.  Kind of a I don't care about anything day.  Sometimes just saying to myself I don't care over and over, whatever it is goes away.  I overthink things to a degree which makes me crazy.  

I'm trying to work on my book but have total writer's block.  As I have read some other members who write have. Too many distractions.  Can't get focused.  Part of it might be the muscle relaxer I'm taking for a damaged lower disk..  Someone said they can cause dementia.  

I'm hoping to escape to a cabin on the Oregon Coast for a couple of weeks to relax and write.  A good beach walk by the ocean sounds like a good cure for what ails me.

Hope everyone is having a decent day.

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I feel hurt. My friend Joe refuses to pay back the money he borrowed from me.  The biggest problem with this is he said, "I don't know what you are talking about."

What a liar and a leech/bloodsucker.

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I think it's a universal aggreement that all meds help with one thing, while taking away something else BESIDES that that thing it was designed to remove.

Either it's sleep, or sex drive(the latter is tough to endure but the former; your body is screaming for energy) or wrecks another part of your mind as a trade off.

Hopefully in our life times, the issues of side effects are minimal.

Edited by Twilight Sky

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11 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I am very anxious..I hate my anxiety :(

Hi ladysmurf, be very kind to yourself. Wondering what you anxiety thinks it is doing to help you? I know mine is a throwback to growing up with a mentally ill mother - I had to be vigilant all the time, scanning the environment. Anxiety became my protector, keeping me safe from sudden attack. Now, it needs to be turned off. But I also work to thank it for what a good job it did keeping me intact all those years in my childhood home.

Hang in there and be kind to yourself. 

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I ended up in the emergency room last night. They sent me home at 4 AM. I barely got any sleep.

Accidentally, or by happenstance, I ended up confronting my boss about her disrespect. I had asked our admin about short term mental health disability, and she told my boss (gee, thanks!!). So my boss asked what was wrong and wanted to talk. Of course, she did end up yelling at me about the disability.... yep, she did. She raised her voice at me about it. At one point she also said maybe we should go our separate ways..... I thought for sure I was getting fired. Then she seemed to want to salvage things and keep me on board, and she backed off.

We changed my job slightly so that I can be less overwhelmed. That's one positive. I also told her to please keep any issues private and not chastise me in front of team members. She agreed. Another positive.

Still, I ended up in the hospital last night... the stress finally got to me and took over.

Big ((((Hugs))))) to everyone here for your support and so sorry for your suffering as well.

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I feel self-loathing today im having trouble seeing what the point of doing anything is even when im in a good mood I feel empty,i don,t really feel i have anything to look forward to in life.i told my therapist my life was so much better when i was binge drinking and i only stopped because i was getting extreme stomach pain and acid reflux.she suggested that maybe I could meet people or make friends at AA but i really don,t think I have a problem if i can go months with out drinking and your only a alcoholic if it makes your life worse not better.i have told her a few times why should i give a **** anymore my family doesn't,t care and no one else cares in my life that i meet so i don,t care.

 

Even when im around people i don,t care about there life or what happens to them i try to force myself to but I just can,t,fake it but people see i don,t care at all.i feel like im some kinda mild sociopath from all the child abuse and disappoints in life.My therpist said to tell myself im redeemable but i don,t belive it anymore,I keep sayng it but i can,t see how its true.what kind of life is there out there for people like me i went to outpatient for 6 months 5 days a week i would think that would have made something click in me i had so many therapists.my therapists have asked me why im going and I tell them I don,t know i  just don,t have any other options.I did volunteer work alot,shouldn,t that stir up something inside me making want to help others,help me see my life isn,t that bad,i just didn,t feel anything i just felt annoyed by volunteering I tried for a year but never felt differently,never felt it was rewarding at all.I feel resentful when talking to other people,i do feel guilty for feeling that was so i guess its possible im not completely emotionally gone.My therapists have helped me a lot I would have ended it a long time ago if it wasn,t for them.im a P**k though other people are upset on here and instead of comforting them I choose to talk about myself and ignore other peoples suffering.Karmas a Biotch and the jokes on me in the end though

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1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

I ended up in the emergency room last night. They sent me home at 4 AM. I barely got any sleep.

Accidentally, or by happenstance, I ended up confronting my boss about her disrespect. I had asked our admin about short term mental health disability, and she told my boss (gee, thanks!!). So my boss asked what was wrong and wanted to talk. Of course, she did end up yelling at me about the disability.... yep, she did. She raised her voice at me about it. At one point she also said maybe we should go our separate ways..... I thought for sure I was getting fired. Then she seemed to want to salvage things and keep me on board, and she backed off.

We changed my job slightly so that I can be less overwhelmed. That's one positive. I also told her to please keep any issues private and not chastise me in front of team members. She agreed. Another positive.

Still, I ended up in the hospital last night... the stress finally got to me and took over.

Big ((((Hugs))))) to everyone here for your support and so sorry for your suffering as well.

im so happy your boss is trying cooperate with you.

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11 minutes ago, LaurynJcat said:

You're doing that "big picture" thing again.  Don't assess your life like this.  You need to focus on baby steps.  It's okay for you to talk about yourself or focus on yourself right now, on what you need to feel better.  Yes it's possible you were damaged by your childhood but that doesn't mean there's no hope for you.

1

Your right laryncat,i just feel so overwhelmed with emotions I can,t think straight today I have to go to my classes today and don,t want people to know how upset i am.i don,t want to talk to my parents anymore because i feel to dependent on them.Thank you for the support,i hate feeling like im damaged everyday

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2 hours ago, LaurynJcat said:

So glad you got some help.  That is unbelievable that she yelled at you about the disability, but I'm glad your job got changed to be less overwhelming and she agreed not to chastise you in front of other team members.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Thanks, Lauryn, much appreciated! Yeah no kidding!?! She is truly a monster. Who yells at their employee when that employee is asking for mental health disability because the job is effecting them?!? I'm incredulous. You're right though, at least she agreed to not chastise me in front of team members. One step forward I guess.

I forgot to mention as well ---- she did unjustly accuse and blame me (yet again) for her own lack of communication. And actually, just blamed me for many things throughout our conversation. For things that are completely unreasonable. The fact that I was suicidal and went to ER over my job really just says it all.
 

2 hours ago, scienceguy said:

im so happy your boss is trying cooperate with you.

Thanks, scienceguy, much appreciated as well! She is trying..... I am very glad I did not get fired. She almost did fire me, then wanted to salvage it. I think she needs me.

I am so freaking tired right now from lack of sleep. Getting kicked out of the hospital at 4am did me no favors. My brain is like molasses.

Keep fighting & hanging on everyone....

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I'm starting to have that feeling of slipping away into deep depression. I feel hopeless and alone. I called my Drs office several times and no return calls. I'm considering going to the hospital but I'm really scared! I'm so tired of feeling this way especially because I have a 6 year old daughter who needs me but I don't want her to see me like this. 

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Quite simply, I suck. I hurt someone very close to me, a person who has already been hurt far too much already. I'm rotten to the core and should be kept away from the rest of humanity. Midas would touch things and they would turn into gold. I touch things and they turn to sh!t. I leave awful wreckage in my wake. I can't look in the rearview mirror because all I see is everything I've damaged. 56 years of this, and I'm supposed to believe that it can all be "better" from here onwards? The forecast calls for more suckiness.

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Quite simply, I suck. I hurt someone very close to me, a person who has already been hurt far too much already. I'm rotten to the core and should be kept away from the rest of humanity. Midas would touch things and they would turn into gold. I touch things and they turn to sh!t. I leave awful wreckage in my wake. I can't look in the rearview mirror because all I see is everything I've damaged. 56 years of this, and I'm supposed to believe that it can all be "better" from here onwards? The forecast calls for more suckiness.

JD, I am sure you didn't mean it.  Please forgive yourself, bud. I know your a good guy!!!

 

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On ‎2‎/‎16‎/‎2016 at 5:43 PM, RiverLight said:

Thank you so much... sooo appreciated --- on the phone with a suicide crisis line right now. I will wait 48 hours before doing anything rash.

RiverLight are you okay? I'm so worried about you!! How are you today? (((((((RiverLight)))))))

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RiverLight, I feel I have really let you down. This will probably show up as a double post or an extra one. My computer wasn't even displaying what you posted in the thread before my last posts. Please forgive me for being absent yesterday. I'm glad you are all right. (((((((RiverLIght)))))

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6 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Quite simply, I suck. I hurt someone very close to me, a person who has already been hurt far too much already. I'm rotten to the core and should be kept away from the rest of humanity. Midas would touch things and they would turn into gold. I touch things and they turn to sh!t. I leave awful wreckage in my wake. I can't look in the rearview mirror because all I see is everything I've damaged. 56 years of this, and I'm supposed to believe that it can all be "better" from here onwards? The forecast calls for more suckiness.

Try to apologize to the person you hurt.  And don't hate yourself.

I get tempted to hate myself because I suck at so many things and have screwed up so much, but I know it's because I have a mental illness of severe depression, plus I can be incredibly stupid for guy who's pretty smart.  Hating myself would be like picking on a ******.

maybe things can't get better really, but we can try to find some small joys in what is.

 

 

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Achy, achy head...I should probably stop being online today.

The intrusive thoughts were worse today. I kept arguing with my mind, even though I know it's counterproductive, I just couldn't stop. I never help myself...I'm contradictory in all directions.

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1 hour ago, mulberrypie said:

RiverLight, I feel I have really let you down. This will probably show up as a double post or an extra one. My computer wasn't even displaying what you posted in the thread before my last posts. Please forgive me for being absent yesterday. I'm glad you are all right. (((((((RiverLIght)))))

Awww.. not at all & no worries! You could never let me down, mulberry. Thank you so very much for your replies, caring and concern, so very much appreciated! Much love, River (((((((((hugs)))))))))

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1 hour ago, mulberrypie said:

RiverLight, I feel I have really let you down. This will probably show up as a double post or an extra one. My computer wasn't even displaying what you posted in the thread before my last posts. Please forgive me for being absent yesterday. I'm glad you are all right. (((((((RiverLIght)))))

Awww.. not at all & no worries! You could never let me down, mulberry. Thank you so very much for your replies, caring and concern, so very much appreciated! Much love, River (((((((((hugs)))))))))

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Glad to see you posting again after going to the ER and glad to know you're alright River. Tonight I managed to work on my electric guitars some. Minor work adjusting the whammy bar since it was making the guitar itself be out of tune all the time. Other then that today hasn't been much.

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Hey all.

 

Haven't been on much lately.  Since returning home, I've reached a sort of "normalcy" for lack of a better term.  It's a bit of a horror unto itself, but it at least allows me to attack my problems in a slightly more direct manner.  I'm managing alright, finally on proper insurance and starting the diagnosis/treatment process in the coming week.  I'll update when I can.

 

Hope you're all well.  You're in my thoughts.

 

BDBN

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Really keeping to myself.  Have a week off from appointments and engagements.  Been under a lot of stress. Just need to be invisible for awhile to relax, and try not to take things so serious.

Some medication I take gives me weird dreams sometimes.  Some are so realistic, when I'm awake I have to tell myself it isn't real.   The really bad ones used to create kind of shroud of darkness over my day.  But now they linger and then are gone.

My therapist can interpret dreams, so I am going to keep a journal for him.  Really interested what he finds as some of the dreams may be connected to my depression and what is causing or triggering it.  He has really been helping me.  I'm very lucky to have found him.

 

 

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