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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


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37 minutes ago, LaurynJcat said:

Coming back to it at another time sounds like a good idea.

With the YA/Teen novel I'm writing, I have not planned out the entire novel yet, and I'm realizing the action is going too fast so that I'm going to arrive at page 100 and have everything I wanted to happen in the novel completed.  Did you plan out your novel ahead of time or are you just seeing where it goes?

 

Hi Lauren, I had a basic idea but no real plan.  Plot planning is what I am doing now with my adviser from Humber College.  In the future, I will start with an outline for sure.  I actually had a breakthrough today, though.  I found what the scene needed.  Quite happy about that.  It is taking a heck of a lot of research though - as I am diving into some pretty heavy, discredited and disgusting philosophies I know nothing about.

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I got out of bed early this morning and had coffee with an old friend. I have not seen him in ten years or longer.  He is in real estate so he gave me some good tips on investing.

I am now going to Best Buy to return a DVD player which I bought last week.  

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I find that I get very paralyzed by my depression. I have mean thoughts about myself...the biggest voice yells in my head, "You'll never be anything because you're scared of everything!!" And so I get smaller because I am afraid of that voice. But why? I don't know. I am very afraid of failure, but I am not sure why. Maybe if I try and fail, I will not be able to control my urge to **** myself. I know that is part of it. I dreamt the other night that I jumped off of a bridge and 1/2 way down, I thought of my 10 year old and the horrid panic that came over me is indescribable. Even thinking about it now is very overwhelming, so I'm going to turn the channel on that one. What happens if I try and fail? It will prove that my family is right: that I am not a hard worker, that I don't deserve anything good because I did not follow their path, that they were right all along that I am a loser and not one of them. I think I am going to go do my DBT sheet "nonjudgmental" on this thought. Writing about it is not helping in this moment, even though I am guessing lots of you can relate. I hope everyone is doing a little bit better today. 

It's funny...I rarely get mad at people and even when I do, I am still scared that it's me that's wrong. I am so, so, so afraid of being wrong and people leaving me because I was not paying attention to what they needed. My mother was borderline personality disorder and picked me as her hostage. I don't speak to her anymore and haven't for years, but oh the training of a borderline! It's so hard to shake. And how they cut you off in an instant and then come back weeks later. It was brutal for me as a kid. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells.

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My mood has gotten worse as the day has gone on. With my medication changes I've found myself more sad and able to cry (at least shed a few tears compared to none). I've also felt more suicidal although I am reading a book pertaining to it so these thoughts may be influenced by it. My break is over tomorrow and I go back to school, which I'm pretty happy about as I usually feel better when I have more things to do. I haven't been out of the house since last week so I'm thinking about going to yoga tonight although I don't really feel up to it. 

Stay strong guys

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I'm still a bit confused about the changes to the Forums.  Anyway.

I spent a lot of time yesterday and today putting together a small IKEA file-drawer thing. And now waiting for dinner to cook. And husband's home...just about time to eat.

putting together stuff, I hardly had time to feel anything except frustration if I didn't understand something and later pride, when it all worked out. My home office is coming along.

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5 hours ago, Jules19 said:

I hope everyone is feeling okay today!

You are all such strong people!

Thanks for the vote of confidence! It helps me to get outside myself and then, in a weird way, I can loop it back in and make it part of my self-talk.

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12 hours ago, buttermybiscuit said:

@My empire of dirt Seriously love the username! 

 

um sorry!! Please forgive me---I couldn't resist!

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to **** it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


 

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I had tons of caffeine today and I feel great.

I am feeling very angry tonight. I am sick of my friends.  They are just leaches/blood suckers.  I am tired of them. I wrote a long text message to one of them tonight explaining why I think so.

I need to move from Canada. Too many leeches here and too many harassment from people and the cops.

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feel very depressed and anxious! took a fall over the weekend landed flat on my butt everything from my tailbone to my neck hurts like hell but dr says xrays look ok, got lots of stuff i need to do, but dont want to do it! and to make everything worse woke up with a really bad head cold this morning, 

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Omg. I think I almost just got fired from my job.

Had the conversation with my boss... the first time we've spoken on the phone in over two months. She indicated this wasn't working out, that we have communication problems, and that she was very, very frustrated. Then she went on to say that I should be in the office with the team, and that it's really hard to have me working remotely. However, she hired me under the condition that I would be remotely, not under the condition that I would move and work within the office. Wish I had said this in response; why I didn't say anything is just plain stupid. I told her I needed regular meetings, and that this would help improve our communications; she didn't seem to respond to this request.

Why she refuses to have regular meetings with me I do not understand, so I expressed that to her. She also told me she felt disrespected by me when I pushed an issue she wasn't ready to talk about. I told her I also felt disrespected because she ignored my guidance and research on this issue. We finally moved on to have pretty productive conversation, out of which I am still a bit confused about my role exactly. She took some things off my plate because I said I was overloaded.

I don't know how I feel. She did rant and rave at me at the start, as expected. I didn't have the chance to tell her that I don't want her chastising me in front of my team members. I felt I was already on shaky ground.

I still feel a bit shaken.... wish I could have handled it better. I feel this conversation seriously could have gotten me fired. It seemed to be headed that way in the beginning at least. Maybe I just saved my job? Damn. I don't know. That was just a very difficult conversation. :/

 

 

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31 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Omg. I think I almost just got fired from my job.

Had the conversation with my boss... the first time we've spoken on the phone in over two months. She indicated this wasn't working out, that we have communication problems, and that she was very, very frustrated. Then she went on to say that I should be in the office with the team, and that it's really hard to have me working remotely. However, she hired me under the condition that I would be remotely, not under the condition that I would move and work within the office. Wish I had said this in response; why I didn't say anything is just plain stupid. I told her I needed regular meetings, and that this would help improve our communications; she didn't seem to respond to this request.

Why she refuses to have regular meetings with me I do not understand, so I expressed that to her. She also told me she felt disrespected by me when I pushed an issue she wasn't ready to talk about. I told her I also felt disrespected because she ignored my guidance and research on this issue. We finally moved on to have pretty productive conversation, out of which I am still a bit confused about my role exactly. She took some things off my plate because I said I was overloaded.

I don't know how I feel. She did rant and rave at me at the start, as expected. I didn't have the chance to tell her that I don't want her chastising me in front of my team members. I felt I was already on shaky ground.

I still feel a bit shaken.... wish I could have handled it better. I feel this conversation seriously could have gotten me fired. It seemed to be headed that way in the beginning at least. Maybe I just saved my job? Damn. I don't know. That was just a very difficult conversation. :/

 

 

I suggest writing down the details you remember of the conversation , date and time and put them somewhere safe. 

Depending on how you feel perhaps you could send an email to your manager setting out what you think you have agreed. Alternatively you could ask your manager to confirm what you agreed.

there is the risk that might antagonise the manager and maybe you feel things are going well and don't want to rock the boat. The reason I'm suggesting it is that you have something in writing, particularly about the changes in your duties and that you started your job on the basis of remote working and that you need regular meetings. You'll both have clearly set out in writing what was agreed, particularly if there are problems in the future. Also if she thinks something different was agreed you can talk about it now, rather than in the future.

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I am very angry.  Since September 2014 I have been receiving incorrect mail from Canada Post. I have made several complaints and they refuse to take responsibility.  Today I told them I am going to the media so they decided to blame me for their incompetence.   They are sending out some supervisor to explain to me how mail delivery works.

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58 minutes ago, Marie241 said:

I suggest writing down the details you remember of the conversation , date and time and put them somewhere safe. 

Depending on how you feel perhaps you could send an email to your manager setting out what you think you have agreed. Alternatively you could ask your manager to confirm what you agreed.

there is the risk that might antagonise the manager and maybe you feel things are going well and don't want to rock the boat. The reason I'm suggesting it is that you have something in writing, particularly about the changes in your duties and that you started your job on the basis of remote working and that you need regular meetings. You'll both have clearly set out in writing what was agreed, particularly if there are problems in the future. Also if she thinks something different was agreed you can talk about it now, rather than in the future.

Thanks so much, Marie, much appreciated.

I wish I could fully respond right now and these are great suggestions, but I think I'm having a breakdown and may need to go to the hospital. My boss's abuse towards me has been long endured and I don't think I can endure this any longer. I should have stood up to her better.

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19 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Thanks so much, Marie, much appreciated.

I wish I could fully respond right now and these are great suggestions, but I think I'm having a breakdown and may need to go to the hospital. My boss's abuse towards me has been long endured and I don't think I can endure this any longer. I should have stood up to her better.

There is no "should" with depression. You did the best you could - hope you feel better soon. 

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41 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Thanks so much, Marie, much appreciated.

I wish I could fully respond right now and these are great suggestions, but I think I'm having a breakdown and may need to go to the hospital. My boss's abuse towards me has been long endured and I don't think I can endure this any longer. I should have stood up to her better.

(((River)))  I hope you are alright!  From my perspective (and what you wrote) I think you did a bang up job with her, Riv. Very professional.  You should be proud that you're not rolling over, but at the same time, you are approaching this (brutal situation) constructively!  Let us know how you're doing.

Bri

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