Jump to content

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone...nice to be back :)

I'm doing...so so..not horrible, but not really great either. Trying to find some motivation to get my rear end off the couch and do something productive: exercise, housework, something. But having a hard time doing it, honestly. Dysthymia/depression makes it so much easier to stay adhered to the sofa and drink coffee while I aimlessly wander the internet wasteland and play movies in the background that I'm not really even watching; just more white noise to help drown out the incessant psychic lament that runs on and on inside my head like a broken turntable :(

 

Another valentines day looming, to be spent by myself...who gives a f***....I am slowly coming to accept the permanence of my single-ness, and find that it doesn't matter anymore. I have my son, and a few good friends. No relationship means no more painful breakups/divorces, and that is just fine by me. 

 

Going down to my son's school this afternoon for his class's valentine's party. Got him a cute card and some hershey's kisses. he doesn't know I'm coming, so I am looking forward to the surprise. He is always so happy when one of us (his mom or me) shows up to school unexpectedly :)

 

Since it looks like we can attach pictures now, here is one of my boy and me, in case any of you are curious.

Hope all of my dear DF friends and fellow sufferers find a bit of peace and happiness today, if only for a few fleeting moments

(((Everyone)))

 

56be0624701e0_2015-12-1417.47.11.thumb.j

 

 

 

 

Edited by LonelyHiker
typo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

A little terrified of being alone the entire time on this 3 day long weekend.  

((((((Brian)))))) hugs! You'll be OK.... maybe try to think of it from the angle that you're getting a nice break from work! Maybe do some writing? Anything else that can keep you occupied and busy?

11 minutes ago, LonelyHiker said:

Hello everyone...nice to be back :)

I'm doing...so so..not horrible, but not really great either. Trying to find some motivation to get by rear end off the couch and do something productive: exercise, housework, something. But having a hard time doing it, honestly. Dysthymia/depression makes it so much easier to stay adhered to the sofa and drink coffee whiloe I aimlessly wander the internet wasteland and play movies in the background that I'm not really even watching; just more white noise to help drown out the incessant psychic lament that runs on and on inside my head like a broken turntable :(

 

Another valentines day looming, to be spent by myself...who gives a f***....I am slowly coming to accept the permanence of my single-ness, and find that it doesn't matter anymore. I have my son, and a few good friends. No relationship means no more painful breakups/divorces, and that is just fine by me. 

 

Going down to my son's school this afternoon for his class's valentine's party. Got him a cute card and some hershey's kisses. he doesn't know I'm coming, so I am looking forward to the surprise. He is always so happy when one of us (his mom or me) shows up to school unexpectedly :)

 

Since it looks like we can attach pictures now, here is one of my boy and me, in case any of you are curious.

Hope all of my dear DF friends and fellow sufferers find a bit of peace and happiness today, if only for a few fleeting moments

(((Everyone)))

LH, welcome back! Nice to see you again. Awwwww, that is the sweetest picture! Thanks for sharing, and so nice to put a face to your name! =)

You should be a writer... you write so eloquently and capture concepts so wonderfully --- internet wasteland, lol. I can so relate to that.

Hope you find some motivation, but if not, enjoy the down time. I keep movies on as white noise too, all day long as I work in fact, lol. That is great you're surprising your son ---- how wonderful! I'm sure he'll love it. Embrace those moments --- they are to be cherished. Children can be the light of our lives, even when we don't have a significant other. Having a son and a few good friends can be good enough, right?

There's a movie I think called I Hate Valentines Day, or maybe it's just Valentines' Day? It's entertaining and is great for single people. Taylor Swift is in it, who plays a ditsy blonde. It's pretty funny.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

Today I am scared about the future. I know nothing is certain, but I wish I could get a sign or something that eventually things will be OK.

I am so tired of feeling this way. I wish it was just end. I just want to have a normal life.

Ladysmurf, I know the feeling. I worry about my future too and am scared. It is true that nothing is certain, but what I do know is that life is always shifting and always moving.

As an example. Five years ago I had no idea I would be where I am today. I could never have imagined it back then. My career is in such a different place then it was then. Back then, I had been injured on the job and had to leave my career and my job. I was subsequently unemployed for the next three years! I had to change careers because of my injury. I went to school, then I quit school. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing. My career was in total flux and disarray. Five years later though, I'm back on track... things have progressed enormously. I've been given opportunities that helped make that happen, but I had to pursue them. I eventually figured out what I was good at, and therefore, what I wanted to pursue. But back then, I was at a total loss. Somehow, it all came together. Granted, I don't like my current job, but I like where I am headed in my career and I like my career path, overall.

Sometimes, I think we need to have blind faith that things will work out eventually and sort themselves out. It does take effort though and being proactive. Taking steps forward, one by one, inch by inch, one day at a time, one step at a time. Things can and do change and things can progress. So where you are now may not be where you want to be in life and truly sucks. But in five years time, you could be in a completely different position and a much better one. As scary as the future can be, it can always be better than what we have now. This could just be a  :bump: in the road right now. 

Hugs, :hugs:

Edited by RiverLight
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today has been hard. I'm going to go to the gym in a few minutes. Just trying to put it in words so I make myself go. I know it will help (I hope it will). Seeing that picture, I realized that I think my depression oozes from me and everyone can see it. But LonelyHiker you do not ooze depression, so maybe I don't either. God I want a break in the battle so much. Just a breather. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Funny, every weekend overwhelms me whether it's a holiday or not:))) I think I need a really good cry. It's just sitting there in my throat like a vice grip. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, everybody.  Feeling anxious and depressed, like usual.  And lonely, very lonely.  I decided to approach my ex-wife that I missed terribly and asked her if she was open to getting back together.  She is not, as I expected.  It was a big blow but also kind of a relief, because now I know.

I have been battling terrible suicidal ideation lately, and it scares me.  I tell myself I will NOT go out that way, no matter what.  But the pull feels so strong.  My own thoughts are my worst enemy.  I hate it so much.

Maybe as an act of desperation, I decided I want to try the Christian path to healing.  (I was raised Catholic and have always had "vague faith", but I have not been an active Christian.)

I went to an evangelical church meeting with this week with a friend, and I liked it.  I want to try asking God and Jesus into my life to save me.  The way Christianity palpably transformed my friend is undeniable and amazing.

I have messed around with Reiki and other non-Christian spiritual pursuits of late (Law of Attraction, lucid dreaming, etc.), and I do know there IS real power in those things, but I also know now that it's not the path for me.  (Something feels wrong about it.)

The Christian path feels more legitimate to me than the other mystical/spiritual/occultish ones, even though I know there are a lot of questions that can't be easily answered.

I just hope that I stick it out.  I tend to start things enthusiastically, then abandon them.  I have to try hard now, or else my negative thoughts may consume me.

I know on here we don't usually discuss religious solutions to depression.  But I'm ready to attempt to try.  Has anyone had their depression lifted or lessened by faith in God and/or Jesus Christ?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, LonelyHiker said:

Hello everyone...nice to be back :)

I'm doing...so so..not horrible, but not really great either. Trying to find some motivation to get my rear end off the couch and do something productive: exercise, housework, something. But having a hard time doing it, honestly. Dysthymia/depression makes it so much easier to stay adhered to the sofa and drink coffee while I aimlessly wander the internet wasteland and play movies in the background that I'm not really even watching; just more white noise to help drown out the incessant psychic lament that runs on and on inside my head like a broken turntable :(

 

Another valentines day looming, to be spent by myself...who gives a f***....I am slowly coming to accept the permanence of my single-ness, and find that it doesn't matter anymore. I have my son, and a few good friends. No relationship means no more painful breakups/divorces, and that is just fine by me. 

 

Going down to my son's school this afternoon for his class's valentine's party. Got him a cute card and some hershey's kisses. he doesn't know I'm coming, so I am looking forward to the surprise. He is always so happy when one of us (his mom or me) shows up to school unexpectedly :)

 

Since it looks like we can attach pictures now, here is one of my boy and me, in case any of you are curious.

Hope all of my dear DF friends and fellow sufferers find a bit of peace and happiness today, if only for a few fleeting moments

(((Everyone)))

 

56be0624701e0_2015-12-1417.47.11.thumb.j

 

 

 

 

Nice pic, man!  Good looking family! 

I think I can see the pain in your eyes behind the smile.  It's something that's only apparent to those of us who are unfortunately "in the club"..

I look at photos of myself sometimes where I'm smiling and looking happy, and others tell me how happy I look in them, but I know the truth and am amazed that I was able to fool people..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that in many ways I am nearing the end of the road.  My story is complex and long, but the salient points in conclusion on the positive side are:  

a) I am proud of the work I have done gain confidence in myself and love myself after being beaten up and treated horribly as a child;

b) I am proud of how I have fought and persisted for 51 years against depression and anxiety;

c) I am proud that I took have decided to go for it, and write this book, the first thing that I have ever really pushed myself toward in my life. 

 

The negative side of the ledger, however, outweighs the positive:

1.I am exhausted living check to check and having no money and watching my ex on financial easy street,

2. I am tired of fighting the depression that comes from my circumstance now (as opposed to belief in myself - I do, weirdly, like and believe in my talents and qualities).

3. The one hope I had, other than my book, was my girlfriend, yet and she knew my financial situation and I believe that is why she never committed to me.

4. I have seen enough with the online dating - I simply CAN NOT get the woman I want in my financial condition, so I am going to be alone for many more years, perhaps the rest of my life – despite people telling me this is not the case, IT IS.  They do not live it - I do, and I know.

5. The constant juggling of money just to stay afloat has exhausted me.

6. 5 years and counting working on this novel has exhausted me.

7.  Work is a drag and it exhausts me.

8. I am, and always was, ill-suited for this world, and being a square peg has exhausted me.

9.  I have been the chump of so many - taken to the cleaners by my ex wife

10.  There is no longer any corner left for me to turn.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Brian, I believe that liking and believing in your talents and qualities goes a very long way in life. In fact, I think it is truly at the crux of what is important against that long list of negatives, and also all that one needs to be propelled forward, even against the negatives.

The few positives you have listed are amazing and are a testimony not only to your own strength, but your courage and who you are as a person, which is an incredible human being still striving under adverse conditions and still standing each and every day. You should give yourself a lot of credit for these great achievements despite the challenging life circumstances, the difficult life issues you've suffered through, and the list of negatives that are weighing you down.

Sometimes, if we can just shift our perceptions from focusing on all the negatives to embracing and celebrating the positives in our lives, even if we think there are only a few, I think that this can help shift one's mindset quite a bit. You could say, yeah, I have a long list of negatives and yeah, they truly suck and are exhausting and I'm so sick of it all and want to give up, but look at what I have achieved, despite all of that! =) That's incredible!!! What a trooper I am! I'm such an amazing person! =)

The more we can love & cherish ourselves, the better our lives can generally be, I believe, despite any negative conditions or feelings.

So give yourself some self-love, my friend. You deserve it. :hugs:

Edited by RiverLight
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I'm seriously irked by a co-worker of mine right now. I think she may be trying to be underhanded & manipulative? Trying to promote her own professional self-interests and steal my thunder?

I made suggestions to our marketing team for sales conversion improvements. I initiated and am heading up an effort to start testing different design and marketing copywrtiing elements for our email campaigns and sales landing pages. Well, I presented to the team that I may know what's going wrong with our paid advertising campaigns & sales landing pages, without giving specifics yet. Get this. My co-worker wants in on the effort (ok, that's good, she's on board with it), but then said what if she presented my ideas for improvements as her own, and that I just agree with her... ??? 

She said this because I am afraid of opposing my boss's own marketing approach, because my boss is very oppositional, stubborn and arrogant. A narcissist, really. But my co-worker? Suggesting that she provide my own solutions as her solutions and that I back her up????? What the hell?!?

So now I need to apparently watch my back with her. I've already shared waaaaayyyyyy too much info with her on my strategies and approach, which I'm worried will backfire and that she'll try to undermine me.

I'm really upset about this. But it's Friday, work is over, & I have to let it go until next week. Still.. Hmmmph!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I think that in many ways I am nearing the end of the road.  My story is complex and long, but the salient points in conclusion on the positive side are:  

 

a) I am proud of the work I have done gain confidence in myself and love myself after being beaten up and treated horribly as a child;

 

b) I am proud of how I have fought and persisted for 51 years against depression and anxiety;

 

c) I am proud that I took have decided to go for it, and write this book, the first thing that I have ever really pushed myself toward in my life. 

A A lot of us can not say that.

B alone makes you a hero in my book!

C an exciting goal, I admire that.

I think sometimes I am washed up and worthless, at the end of the road. Something (besides medication) keeps me going. Don't know what or why. I try to think of positive things I have done and have happened to me. It doesn't make all the negative magically disappear, but can be the start of a new focus.

Maybe the road does not end, it just makes a turn. Maybe a turn to good.

Edited by Donaldopato
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi everyone.  :nod:

Sorry I haven't been on in awhile.  Emotionally I've been doing well recently.

Went to Urgent Care last night and got diagnosed with strep throat. So, today took a sick day, because the doctor insisted I stay home from work and rest. On antibiotics, at home resting today.

I hope everyone is doing well.

JJ

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, Donaldopato said:

A A lot of us can not say that.

B alone makes you a hero in my book!

C an exciting goal, I admire that.

I think sometimes I am washed up and worthless, at the end of the road. Something (besides medication) keeps me going. Don't know what or why. I try to think of positive things I have done and have happened to me. It doesn't make all the negative magically disappear, but can be the start of a new focus.

Maybe the road does not end, it just makes a turn. Maybe a turn to good.

Thanks bud, I needed this message!!!

Cheers

Brian

Link to comment
Share on other sites

LonelyHiker - Tim, that's a great picture of you and your son! He looks so happy and you look happy with him too.

Brian - :hugs: Even if you're alone, you're among many, many people who don't give a frog about Valentine's Day!

Hi SFCG - great to see you and I hope your strep throat clears up quickly! Feel better!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have reached rock bottom. There's just nothing I can do to escape all these depressing situations all these people force me into on a daily basis. They all expect me to defend myself. So when I do, they could give me a dirty look and talk more crap about me. What good is self-defense when no one wants anything to do with what drives me or what I'm passionate about or what I value? It's useless. There's no hope when I'm a one man army trying to take on everyone on my own.

Edited by The_Unwanted
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling very empty and lonely tonight.Today  I helped my Mom watch my nieces and nephew.It was nice that they were here and they are great kids.But like it has been these feelings of emptiness and loneliness and sadness start to really set in the evening.I feel this way during the day too but it feels worse at night.Also throw my irritable mood into the mix and now it really,really makes me feel horrible.I just feel so tired.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I think that in many ways I am nearing the end of the road.  My story is complex and long, but the salient points in conclusion on the positive side are:  

 

a) I am proud of the work I have done gain confidence in myself and love myself after being beaten up and treated horribly as a child;

 

b) I am proud of how I have fought and persisted for 51 years against depression and anxiety;

 

c) I am proud that I took have decided to go for it, and write this book, the first thing that I have ever really pushed myself toward in my life. 

 

 

 

The negative side of the ledger, however, outweighs the positive:

 

1.I am exhausted living check to check and having no money and watching my ex on financial easy street,

 

2. I am tired of fighting the depression that comes from my circumstance now (as opposed to belief in myself - I do, weirdly, like and believe in my talents and qualities).

 

3. The one hope I had, other than my book, was my girlfriend, yet and she knew my financial situation and I believe that is why she never committed to me.

 

4. I have seen enough with the online dating - I simply CAN NOT get the woman I want in my financial condition, so I am going to be alone for many more years, perhaps the rest of my life – despite people telling me this is not the case, IT IS.  They do not live it - I do, and I know.

 

5. The constant juggling of money just to stay afloat has exhausted me.

 

6. 5 years and counting working on this novel has exhausted me.

 

7.  Work is a drag and it exhausts me.

 

8. I am, and always was, ill-suited for this world, and being a square peg has exhausted me.

 

9.  I have been the chump of so many - taken to the cleaners by my ex wife

 

10.  There is no longer any corner left for me to turn.

 

 

Hey Brian:  You have accomplished so much, so much to be proud of.   A testimony to your strength to survive.  And, yes, you have had your share of the negatives.  And I  share your concern about each of them you listed.  

But please don't sell yourself short.  You offer support and inspiration to all of us here on the forum despite your own issues, which speaks volumes about you being a caring person who listens and responds in a way that always makes us feel better.  Thank you. 

I am so sorry about what you have been through, nothing can change the past.  But I feel your future looks bright if you choose the right path.  And I know you will.  If I can help in any way please PM me.  You have many gifts that will give you fortune and contentment going forward.  

Please take care, and know there are people here who care about you and share and validate your feelings. 

One day at a a time!

All my best to you my friend,

Jeff

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I gave my best but **** it. I give up.

Ever done your numerology chart? Here's mine:

Number 11:
Keywords: illumination, intuitive, spiritual channel, healer, teacher; nervous tension.
The 11 is the most intuitive of all numbers. It represents illumination, a channel to the subconscious, insight without rational thought, and sensitivity, nervous energy, shyness and impracticality. It is a dreamer. The 11 has all aspects of the 2, enhanced and charged with charisma, leadership and inspiration. It is a number with inborn duality, which creates dynamism, and inner conflict with its mere presence. It is a number that, when not focused on a goal beyond itself, can sometimes create inner fears or phobias. The 11 walks the edge between greatness and self-destruction. Its potential for growth, stability and personal power lies in its acceptance of intuitive understanding and of spiritual truths. For the 11, such peace is not found so much in logic, but in faith. It is automatically attuned to the unconscious realms and is known as the psychic’s number. Once it becomes comfortable with its special gifts, it will serve as the spiritual channel between the physical and spiritual worlds. The 11 can also have nervous tension due to the high energy frequency of its number.

Note: Those who have the Master Number 11 should also study the Number 2 for the characteristics of the reduced form of 11. Master Number 11's should also recognize the Number 1 due to the “double 1" energy it symbolizes. In other words, people with the Master Number 11 have a lot of inner work to do to accomplish their true destiny and life purpose!

Number 1:
Keywords: independent, individuality, leadership, pioneering, administrating; aggressive
The most independent, unconventional, and individualistic of all numbers. It represents the beginning, the source, the innovator, the originator, and the profound uniqueness of the individualist. It possesses a strong sense of courage and leadership. It is ambitious and goal oriented. It has direction and it does not doubt its course of action. It is stubborn and has strong opinions about right and wrong. It is a high energy, dynamic force that drives relentlessly towards its destiny. And, while it represents exceptional talent and capability, it can sometimes be seen by others as being somewhat aggressive or zealous.

Number 2:
Keywords: sensitive, intuitive, supportive, diplomacy, balance, harmony; self-critical.
The most gentle of all numbers. It’s extreme sensitivity is both a strength and weakness. It is highly intuitive and represents the power behind the throne. It is built on cooperation, diplomacy and tact. A supportive number that often plays the role of an advisor and flourishes in creating balance and harmony. It is loving, vulnerable, quite and humble and seen as a healer and peacemaker. It’s energy is one of resilience. It dislikes direct confrontation. It’s sensitivity can allow it to be easily hurt from situations of over self-analyzing, or by others.

  • THE BIRTH NAME NUMBER This equation is used in determining an in overall character analysis of a person from their birth name.

Number 5:
Keywords: excitement, adventurous, creative, constructive, emotional; reckless
The most dynamic of all numbers. It is persuasive and a promoter. It is versatile and adaptable. It is the experimenter and the explorer. It is also bright, quick witted and a straight shooter with extraordinary reflexes. It is the juggler of many projects, and it is easily distracted with a love for sensual pleasures and immediate gratification. It is adventurous and courageous. It is known as the traveler’s number. It should spend time learning the potential found in constructive freedom.

I give up. Bye ya'll. I'm done trying. May inner peace be within all of us.

Edited by RiverLight
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...