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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Past few weeks have been hectic. I hate how packed my timetable is, I barely have time to even rest.

Anxiety went off the roof today when new members entered the band room and I couldn't handle it so I had to get out of there (I literally walked out)

However, things weren't so bad for yesterday and half of today because there was this guy whose brother is a proficient flute player and decided to come back and play with us for an event (he has already graduated) and he's so cute. Since yesterday, I notice someone kept staring at me and sometimes we would eye contact but we never spoke because we just...never did. Today I was paired up with him to handle a booth and he was so nice that he waited for me at the door to go down with him when he could go down with others and he spoke to me for the very first time :') and when I went to refill my water, he was also leaving aND HE SPOKE TO ME AGAIN EEEEEEKS

anyways fast forward, band was ending, it was his last day, and I kind of delayed my time so I could see him slightly longer and when I went out he also left band and I was alr at the staircase, one floor below him and I could hear his footsteps get faster and faster until when we reached the last floor, he was beside me. Then we said goodbye. :'))))) I WAS THE LAST PERSON HE SPOKE GOODBYE TO IM AJAKHSKSHSJS

Ok ya so sorry guys irrelevant but I have nowhere else to post it

oh and the sad part is that I won't see him ever again sigh

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Helpless. I feel helpless to change/improve my situation. I don't feel hopeless just yet, but I'm on the way.  I guess the reason I feel some hope is the idea that something outside of myself could change things. I have been estranged from my biological father for about 12 years now. Have not seen or spoken with him since calling him the morning my mother passed to let him know. He only visited her twice during the last 8 months of her illness and did not even call her. I did not see him at the funeral either. I was an outside child and never lived with him and didn't even learn of my relationship to him until I was a teenager. He told me on a couple of occasions when I was a teen that when he died he was leaving me some money.  I had not asked him that and as a teen it had not even crossed my mind. He just volunteered that info. He's 80 years old now and though it does make me feel like a rotten person to even be thinking along these lines, I have been struggling financially for years now and, well......you know what I'm getting at! Rotten or not, I feel the way I feel, period.

Edited by flight
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Back to the battleground. I can't take this much longer. I need to be sick for a full week (or a month) and not work.

 

You and me both. The stress and anxiety are taking their toll on me.

Edited by JD4010
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Back to the battleground. I can't take this much longer. I need to be sick for a full week (or a month) and not work.

 

You and me both. The stress and anxiety are taking their toll on me.

 

Sucks doesn't it JD??? So sorry you're feeling the same way! UGH! Too much stress and anxiety really do take a toll. I am feeling it big time. :/  It's making me sour and bitter. I don't want to be sour and bitter. I guess all we can do is stay afloat somehow... so hard to stay strong under adverse conditions though. I take a lot of breaks. Hang in there yourself..

Edited by RiverLight
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Getting sick.  Darn.

 

Just had an amazing experience though.  I was sitting in my car only half-listening to Antonin Dvorak's New World Symphony and the second movement came on an suddenly I was balling my eyes out.  It is surely a beautiful piece, but, geez, I must have been ripe for it today for some reason LOL.

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Recovering from last night's nuclear explosions of kid overexcitabilities + pre-adolescence that blew up in my face while in an exhausted, low-mood, low-energy, hormonally challenged, flu-fighting place. I really needed a calm, smooth night and a decent sleep and had neither. Turning over gray clouds; scrounging for silver.

 

 

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Just spilled spaghetti sauce on my khaki pants. And I have to go to a meeting in an hour. I guess I can just make light of the fact that I have this stain on my pants at the meeting. Hahaha.

 

I was being so careful but the spaghetti sauce found the square millimeter of material that wasn't covered by the towel.

 

Yep, I'm a walking, talking example of Murphy's Law.

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I slept for twelve hours and I am still sleepy.   I am cold and tired and anxious but I have to go to an anxiety/ depression group in the next few minutes.

duck, I just want to say congrats for still going to your group despite how you feel... you are much stronger than you may think; a big kudos to you for continuing on with your self-help activities, despite the depressive states you go through! That shows a lot of strength and self-preservation. It's truly incredible and inspiring! :hugs:

Edited by RiverLight
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((((((Kid survivor))))))) I'm so sorry you're alone and I can't imagine why.

No friends and a family who could care less.

Starting today, I'm using my uncontrollable anger in my favor. I'm the one in control.

~ KS

Been there, done that. It will backfire eventually. Anger is a warding emotion. The control you think you have is only the control over yourself, while your environment is moving away from you. Edited by Twilight Sky
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I feel sad and frustrated. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee this afternoon and she needed to change it to tomorrow.

There's a whole bunch of stuff we need, but I drove out to a furniture store to look at armchairs and desks for my home office. I wish I could have plunked down some money and bought one that I liked, a smallish recliner. So I can nap.

I saw an inexpensive desk that I liked. Anyway, I didn't intend to buy and the furniture store was just too much.

It got cold and gray again and I just feel kind of miserable about it. I'm doing some self-loathing at the moment. If I'm not moving forward with my life, what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks am I doing.

Right now my life feels like crap. I'm waiting for my afternoon coffee to kick in.

Edited by Dolphin2013
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I feel sad and frustrated. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee this afternoon and she needed to change it to tomorrow.

There's a whole bunch of stuff we need, but I drove out to a furniture store to look at armchairs and desks for my home office. I wish I could have plunked down some money and bought one that I liked, a smallish recliner. So I can nap.

I saw an inexpensive desk that I liked. Anyway, I didn't intend to buy and the furniture store was just too much.

It got cold and gray again and I just feel kind of miserable about it. I'm doing some self-loathing at the moment. If I'm not moving forward with my life, what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks am I doing.

Right now my life feels like crap. I'm waiting for my afternoon coffee to kick in.

 

Hugs Dolphin!!!!

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I've gone out with a guy for a few dates recently, and I told him everything (and I mean everything!) about my depression/anxiety.  I am an absolute train wreck lately, and I thought I owed him the truth because I didn't want him to take it personally when I isolate/can't function in life. I also wanted to give him fair warning so he could run away, if he chose. I told him that I recently had to declare bankruptcy as a result of this illness, and I've come very close to losing my job, etc. This is extremely embarrassing for me, so it was wasn't easy to talk about.

 

We had plans today and he texted me to see if I would be ready to go. We had talked earlier and he knew I was having a bad day. I texted him: "I'm sorry, I just can't get out of bed right now." His response: "Have you tried sitting up on the edge first?" and then, "Be tough. :)" ...yeah, a damn "smiley face" at the end.

 

Seriously!? Ouch. I know many people don't understand mental illness, but I feel so hurt that he said that to me. I don't even know how to respond to him.

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I've gone out with a guy for a few dates recently, and I told him everything (and I mean everything!) about my depression/anxiety.  I am an absolute train wreck lately, and I thought I owed him the truth because I didn't want him to take it personally when I isolate/can't function in life. I also wanted to give him fair warning so he could run away, if he chose. I told him that I recently had to declare bankruptcy as a result of this illness, and I've come very close to losing my job, etc. This is extremely embarrassing for me, so it was wasn't easy to talk about.

 

We had plans today and he texted me to see if I would be ready to go. We had talked earlier and he knew I was having a bad day. I texted him: "I'm sorry, I just can't get out of bed right now." His response: "Have you tried sitting up on the edge first?" and then, "Be tough. :)" ...yeah, a damn "smiley face" at the end.

 

Seriously!? Ouch. I know many people don't understand mental illness, but I feel so hurt that he said that to me. I don't even know how to respond to him.

Hi CallaLily,

I'm guessing that he truly meant no offense.... some people who don't understand depression, if they've never dealt with it before, don't really know what to say. Then they may say the "wrong" thing that doesn't click or work for the depressed person, but they don't mean it to be that way.... they just don't understand and don't know how to respond in a way that may help. I have a friend who says things to me like "why be depressed? it's a sunny day out".  He literally does not understand what depression can do to a person. I've had to explain it in detail to my boyfriend, and he still doesn't quite get it. People who don't experience it don't really understand that it can completely be incapacitating.

 

I thought his first response was actually kind of cute, sweet and endearing: "have you tried sitting on the edge first".. and "be tough" can be a typical response by someone who doesn't understand what it's like... like all you have to do is "toughen up" and it will be OK mentality. Try not to be hurt by his words... I really don't think he meant any harm.

 

Hugs! I hope it works out for you! :hugs:

Edited by RiverLight
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I've gone out with a guy for a few dates recently, and I told him everything (and I mean everything!) about my depression/anxiety.  I am an absolute train wreck lately, and I thought I owed him the truth because I didn't want him to take it personally when I isolate/can't function in life. I also wanted to give him fair warning so he could run away, if he chose. I told him that I recently had to declare bankruptcy as a result of this illness, and I've come very close to losing my job, etc. This is extremely embarrassing for me, so it was wasn't easy to talk about.

 

We had plans today and he texted me to see if I would be ready to go. We had talked earlier and he knew I was having a bad day. I texted him: "I'm sorry, I just can't get out of bed right now." His response: "Have you tried sitting up on the edge first?" and then, "Be tough. :)" ...yeah, a damn "smiley face" at the end.

 

Seriously!? Ouch. I know many people don't understand mental illness, but I feel so hurt that he said that to me. I don't even know how to respond to him.

 

Hey Calla.  Wow, I could have written this.  Excuse the long response, but, boy do I empathize!!

 

As one going through the same process in life - trying to find a little companionship - I understand completely this problem.  I would say though that, while his message does indicate (at least to me) that he has no idea about this disease, I do think he may have been trying to cheer you up in an awkward way. I am not sure what I would think in this situation, so don't think I am contradicting or questioning you! :)  This is lousy, tough stuff we have to go through!!!!  I do know that, when I use a smiley face I think I am actually smiling at someone - and when I flash someone a genuine smile in real life I always mean it in the best sense that says I care for you, I am happy to see you etc.  Maybe, though, I am old fashioned.  I'm 51. Things have changed LOL.  I guess in short I am saying, please try to collect some more evidence before you know how much commitment and understanding he is willing to or capable of providing.  There are no guarantees, but I think some more experience with him is the way to go.  Just my opinion.

 

Oh, and as for responding, I would probably say something like this:  "Thanks for the good thoughts and the smile. Please know that it is not that easy.  If it was just a matter of being "tough" people with depression would do as you suggest, as people living with depression are the toughest people I know."  Again, that's just me!!!

 

You are going to have to find out at one time or another whether he is serious and capable of understanding your health.  That's the unfortunate reality of our situation.  In my case I have that hanging over me along with relative poverty, a condition the women I seem interested in are not appreciative of in a man my age (if my recent experience is to be believed).  The sooner you learn about him, the better, I think.

 

I told you this would be a long post LOL.  A couple of other things come to my mind.  The first is that I admire your honesty so far with him.  That shows true grit, my dear!!!  The second is, try, try, try, to be with him when you are down like this - isolation is the biggest killer.  If you are afraid of how he will react to you when you are down and incapacitated, I understand, but try to go out anyway.  It is during those times that you will find out whether or not you have a keeper (ie. someone you can count on to support and love you, or someone in denial of your situation).  Pushing that finding off will only cause you more pain.  Plus, when I used to see my ex girlfriend in those situations, I always felt better (but that's just my pattern, I know).

 

I could go on and on.

 

I am thinking about you Calla!!!!

 

(((((((Cala))))))))

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I've gone out with a guy for a few dates recently, and I told him everything (and I mean everything!) about my depression/anxiety. I am an absolute train wreck lately, and I thought I owed him the truth because I didn't want him to take it personally when I isolate/can't function in life. I also wanted to give him fair warning so he could run away, if he chose. I told him that I recently had to declare bankruptcy as a result of this illness, and I've come very close to losing my job, etc. This is extremely embarrassing for me, so it was wasn't easy to talk about.

We had plans today and he texted me to see if I would be ready to go. We had talked earlier and he knew I was having a bad day. I texted him: "I'm sorry, I just can't get out of bed right now." His response: "Have you tried sitting up on the edge first?" and then, "Be tough. :)" ...yeah, a damn "smiley face" at the end.

Seriously!? Ouch. I know many people don't understand mental illness, but I feel so hurt that he said that to me. I don't even know how to respond to him.

In fairness to him, most "normal" people don't understand real depression very well. I wouldn't assume he was trying to be hurtful. Edited by One More Red Nightmare
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I've gone out with a guy for a few dates recently, and I told him everything (and I mean everything!) about my depression/anxiety.  I am an absolute train wreck lately, and I thought I owed him the truth because I didn't want him to take it personally when I isolate/can't function in life. I also wanted to give him fair warning so he could run away, if he chose. I told him that I recently had to declare bankruptcy as a result of this illness, and I've come very close to losing my job, etc. This is extremely embarrassing for me, so it was wasn't easy to talk about.

 

We had plans today and he texted me to see if I would be ready to go. We had talked earlier and he knew I was having a bad day. I texted him: "I'm sorry, I just can't get out of bed right now." His response: "Have you tried sitting up on the edge first?" and then, "Be tough. :)" ...yeah, a damn "smiley face" at the end.

 

Seriously!? Ouch. I know many people don't understand mental illness, but I feel so hurt that he said that to me. I don't even know how to respond to him.

 

Hey Calla.  Wow, I could have written this.  Excuse the long response, but, boy do I empathize!!

 

As one going through the same process in life - trying to find a little companionship - I understand completely this problem.  I would say though that, while his message does indicate (at least to me) that he has no idea about this disease, I do think he may have been trying to cheer you up in an awkward way. I am not sure what I would think in this situation, so don't think I am contradicting or questioning you! :)  This is lousy, tough stuff we have to go through!!!!  I do know that, when I use a smiley face I think I am actually smiling at someone - and when I flash someone a genuine smile in real life I always mean it in the best sense that says I care for you, I am happy to see you etc.  Maybe, though, I am old fashioned.  I'm 51. Things have changed LOL.  I guess in short I am saying, please try to collect some more evidence before you know how much commitment and understanding he is willing to or capable of providing.  There are no guarantees, but I think some more experience with him is the way to go.  Just my opinion.

 

Oh, and as for responding, I would probably say something like this:  "Thanks for the good thoughts and the smile. Please know that it is not that easy.  If it was just a matter of being "tough" people with depression would do as you suggest, as people living with depression are the toughest people I know."  Again, that's just me!!!

 

You are going to have to find out at one time or another whether he is serious and capable of understanding your health.  That's the unfortunate reality of our situation.  In my case I have that hanging over me along with relative poverty, a condition the women I seem interested in are not appreciative of in a man my age (if my recent experience is to be believed).  The sooner you learn about him, the better, I think.

 

I told you this would be a long post LOL.  A couple of other things come to my mind.  The first is that I admire your honesty so far with him.  That shows true grit, my dear!!!  The second is, try, try, try, to be with him when you are down like this - isolation is the biggest killer.  If you are afraid of how he will react to you when you are down and incapacitated, I understand, but try to go out anyway.  It is during those times that you will find out whether or not you have a keeper (ie. someone you can count on to support and love you, or someone in denial of your situation).  Pushing that finding off will only cause you more pain.  Plus, when I used to see my ex girlfriend in those situations, I always felt better (but that's just my pattern, I know).

 

I could go on and on.

 

I am thinking about you Calla!!!!

 

(((((((Cala))))))))

 

 

Thank you so much for this response and your kind words. You make some valid points.You're right when you said I shouldn't have isolated tonight, but I just couldn't get motivated to do anything. Also, I was probably too sensitive about the comment, and reacted with a bit more drama than necessary. I tend to do that, especially lately. I told him that I was hurt by what he said and needed some space tonight. I should have read your suggestion first! He apologized and said he'd talk to me later. He then texted to ask if "anyone has ever tried toughening me up," but told me "not to be offended" by the comment. I'm trying to control my emotions and not react harshly toward him, because he obviously doesn't understand. Honestly though, this is making me feel horrible.

 

I'm sorry you're going through dating difficulties, too. I wish I had some advice for you, but obviously I can't figure it out myself. :) I hope you're able to find someone you have a connection with. It is really easy to get discouraged, but even with our flaws, real or imagined, I'm pretty sure there is someone out there for you, and me as well.

Edited by CallaLily
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I've gone out with a guy for a few dates recently, and I told him everything (and I mean everything!) about my depression/anxiety.  I am an absolute train wreck lately, and I thought I owed him the truth because I didn't want him to take it personally when I isolate/can't function in life. I also wanted to give him fair warning so he could run away, if he chose. I told him that I recently had to declare bankruptcy as a result of this illness, and I've come very close to losing my job, etc. This is extremely embarrassing for me, so it was wasn't easy to talk about.

 

We had plans today and he texted me to see if I would be ready to go. We had talked earlier and he knew I was having a bad day. I texted him: "I'm sorry, I just can't get out of bed right now." His response: "Have you tried sitting up on the edge first?" and then, "Be tough. :)" ...yeah, a damn "smiley face" at the end.

 

Seriously!? Ouch. I know many people don't understand mental illness, but I feel so hurt that he said that to me. I don't even know how to respond to him.

 

Hey Calla.  Wow, I could have written this.  Excuse the long response, but, boy do I empathize!!

 

As one going through the same process in life - trying to find a little companionship - I understand completely this problem.  I would say though that, while his message does indicate (at least to me) that he has no idea about this disease, I do think he may have been trying to cheer you up in an awkward way. I am not sure what I would think in this situation, so don't think I am contradicting or questioning you! :)  This is lousy, tough stuff we have to go through!!!!  I do know that, when I use a smiley face I think I am actually smiling at someone - and when I flash someone a genuine smile in real life I always mean it in the best sense that says I care for you, I am happy to see you etc.  Maybe, though, I am old fashioned.  I'm 51. Things have changed LOL.  I guess in short I am saying, please try to collect some more evidence before you know how much commitment and understanding he is willing to or capable of providing.  There are no guarantees, but I think some more experience with him is the way to go.  Just my opinion.

 

Oh, and as for responding, I would probably say something like this:  "Thanks for the good thoughts and the smile. Please know that it is not that easy.  If it was just a matter of being "tough" people with depression would do as you suggest, as people living with depression are the toughest people I know."  Again, that's just me!!!

 

You are going to have to find out at one time or another whether he is serious and capable of understanding your health.  That's the unfortunate reality of our situation.  In my case I have that hanging over me along with relative poverty, a condition the women I seem interested in are not appreciative of in a man my age (if my recent experience is to be believed).  The sooner you learn about him, the better, I think.

 

I told you this would be a long post LOL.  A couple of other things come to my mind.  The first is that I admire your honesty so far with him.  That shows true grit, my dear!!!  The second is, try, try, try, to be with him when you are down like this - isolation is the biggest killer.  If you are afraid of how he will react to you when you are down and incapacitated, I understand, but try to go out anyway.  It is during those times that you will find out whether or not you have a keeper (ie. someone you can count on to support and love you, or someone in denial of your situation).  Pushing that finding off will only cause you more pain.  Plus, when I used to see my ex girlfriend in those situations, I always felt better (but that's just my pattern, I know).

 

I could go on and on.

 

I am thinking about you Calla!!!!

 

(((((((Cala))))))))

 

 

Thank you so much for this response and your kind words. You make some valid points.You're right when you said I shouldn't have isolated tonight, but I just couldn't get motivated to do anything. Also, I was probably too sensitive about the comment, and reacted with a bit more drama than necessary. I tend to do that, especially lately. I told him that I was hurt by what he said and needed some space tonight. I should have read your suggestion first! He apologized and said he'd talk to me later. He then texted to ask if "anyone has ever tried toughening me up," but told me "not to be offended" by the comment. I'm trying to control my emotions and not react harshly toward him, because he obviously doesn't understand. Honestly though, this is making me feel horrible.

 

I'm sorry you're going through dating difficulties, too. I wish I had some advice for you, but obviously I can't figure it out myself. :) I hope you're able to find someone you have a connection with. It is really easy to get discouraged, but even with our flaws, real or imagined, I'm pretty sure there is someone out there for you, and me as well.

 

 

I understand perfectly why you isolated - you were triggered.  I do the same thing (did it earlier in the week in fact).  My initial reaction to a triggering is not good, nor is it usually, I have found, accurate.  

 

I think the key for us is to work on ourselves (self loving) to the point where we can come around rather quickly after we've been triggered, and understand that "a button has been pushed that may well be unintended."  I think you're on your way Calla!!!

 

And yes, I am sure there a people out there for us!!!  Good luck with this one!

 

Brian

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BTW Calla, I like that he offered to help you, even though it was couched in terms of toughing you up. That sounds hopeful to me.  I think you need to know your triggers and, if you find him willing, have him help you with them.  Because, if there is one thing I know about all of us, it's that we do over react to our triggers.  Not through fault of our own, that's for sure.  But if he is willing to constructively help you, then you will know he's worth the keeping!!!

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