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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Woke up early again, lying in bed with my dark thoughts dreading another day, wishing it could end today.

I go to sleep hopeful every evening, but the morning keeps coming. Can't stand my life at all anymore. If you could live inside my head, you'd understand how I can say and think such terrible things.

Some peoples' lives are good or have potential to be so, and they should continue fighting on. But some of us are screwed up beyond fixing. I lost at the game of life. I tried, but I sucked. I did have potential and opportunities, but I couldn't get it done.

I no longer enjoy anything except taking sleeping pills in the evening and drifting into oblivion. All my former hobbies and interests mean nothing to me now. Can't enjoy being around people anymore.

I don't blame others or cruel fate (although my mother's madness did ruin my best chance at happiness years ago when she destroyed my young family).

It's better to reboot. I don't expect sympathy or help. Wish there was an easy way to exit. I pray, but the prayer doesn't get answered, at least not yet.

Meanwhile while I am still here I will try to go through the the motions as best I can and be decent to other people. I won't let my misery make me angry and evil. That's the best I can do now.

Sorry for the negativity. I must seem like a bitter pill. I prefer to be honest than give fake positivity. I still wish the rest of you well. I don't want you to be like me. If you have something you love to fight for, do it.

Edited by One More Red Nightmare
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Hi folks, I found this interesting indeed:

 

http://www.simplecapacity.com/2015/05/brain-scans-reveal-the-world-happiest-man/

 

I resolve right now to build at least 20 minutes of daily medication into my life!  I really believe it will help me, but I need to do it everyday, not just when I think I need it.  It takes practice, and I believe that if I medicate when feeling well the feeling of well-being will be freed up to come on in when I am meditating and not feeling well.  

 

Cheers, 

 

Bri

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Oh cool relaxation tactics there are for us to try brian,depression never ends,it becomes your shadow and follows you to wherever you go...

 

in the future nanomedicine will be available to destroy the root of depression.

 

http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/08/31/nanotechnology-for-depression-the-futuristic-potential-of-nanopsychiatry/

 

 

Using Nanotechnology for Depression (Nanomedicine)

Nanomedicine is a specific branch of medicine that involves treating disease with nanotechnology – or materials the size of nanometers (billionths of a meter).  Examples of ways in which nanomedicine could be used for the treatment of depression (and other mental illnesses) include: developing nanoelectronic biosensors (to help diagnose disease), nanocarriers (for superior drug delivery), and nanorobots (to modulate neurophysiological correlates of depression).

Some speculate that the perfection of nanotechnology would dramatically change the entire health-care system due to the fact that nanobots could enter our bodies (and brains) and repair any damage.  They could help correct genetic abnormalities that contribute to feelings of depression (and other conditions).  Moreover, some theorize that nanorobots and other nano-interventions could engineer a state of “super happiness” by shifting our baseline hedonic set points and increase your IQ.

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I feel worn down from the propect of never having the chance to be a productive member of society. Being forced to just rot and my only option is to stand around looking funny and just take it. That's how bad society is.

Me I am and was at least lucky enough to pay my bills, buy a few quality things, and move away from my verbally abusive and neglectful family, at least for now.

But I feel sorry for all the children who were brought into a world of extreme poverty and gang violence. I wonder who are the lunatics who find it amusing to watch the crime rate go up.

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Just read something extremely disturbing on the university website. A book recalling a devilspawn's "experiences as a Black panther...and, at one point, a rapist." 

 

I swear, this culture has lost all sense of good and evil, even the most viscerally obvious kind of evil. People who accept that these monsters should be "reintegrated" into society and accepted as ordinary human beings, that they should be dealt with in any way other than through execution, or at least, left to rot in prison, are either demonically possessed or fundamentally evil themselves. Perverted themselves, certainly. Even child rapists are now publicly talked about with sympathy, by creatures who are obviously just as evil themselves.

 

I'm moving farther and farther to the Right every day. Encountering attitudes like this, and the insane responses I'm afraid I might get if I dare speak up at school, or maybe even here, makes me start leaping and running toward the Right.

 

It breaks my heart to see my country destroyed this way, but I'm afraid that our culture is already so corrupted, so disgustingly perverted, that our only hope is a bona fide Resurrection-caliber miracle. I don't know what to do but move to a saner place.

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((((Lauryn))))

((((OneMoreRedNightmare))))

 

((((Anyone else who needs it)))

 

 

I feel like absolute sh!t, myself...I am starting to feel like I will never get over losing my ex...I wither and she continues to blossom. The albatross (me) has fallen off, the parasite (me) has been extracted, the speed bump (me) impeding her progress and success is gone...should it be any surprise that she is soaring?

 

I wish her well.....and I wish I were dead...

 

Lather...rinse...repeat...

 

(Isn't this where we came in?....)

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((((Lauryn))))

((((OneMoreRedNightmare))))

 

((((Anyone else who needs it)))

 

 

I feel like absolute sh!t, myself...I am starting to feel like I will never get over losing my ex...I wither and she continues to blossom. The albatross (me) has fallen off, the parasite (me) has been extracted, the speed bump (me) impeding her progress and success is gone...should it be any surprise that she is soaring?

 

I wish her well.....and I wish I were dead...

 

Lather...rinse...repeat...

 

(Isn't this where we came in?....)

 

Hi LH.  I know how U feel.  It happened to me.  And, when I am down, I still feel this way.  Only, it is just not true.  Let her have her good times and be grateful.  It does not reflect on you or your worth - not one bit! There is a future for you, and me, as well.  I know it.  

 

One fallible (as we all are) human being should be allowed to control our own feeling of self worth.  The reality is, we are all alone in this world.  We can count on no one - not for sure and not for the long haul.  That is harsh, but it is true.  But what this means is that there is only one person you NEED and that you can COUNT ON - and that is yourself!!!

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I feel angry at the woman I love who does not love me back today. She's the light of my life yet I'm a distinct shadow in hers. The pain will not stop and it has barely even stopped after hurting myself. When will it end? I'm tapering off my antidepressant because I've gone my entire adolescence with these awful drugs in my system and I wish to be free of it. I just hope I can be and have a stronger desire to live than to die.

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Lauryn, I agree with what you've said. And your addendum above.

I experienced an epiphany about what rape was, in 1988, I think. I was videotaping a rape-awareness training for a community cable TV channel.

The presenters said that if there was no consent, that was rape. Even if you were in a relationship. If you gave in because you were scared--whatever you were scared of, that was rape. It changed my life and I'm writing this on my tablet, to I can't figure out how to put details in and add the SPOILER button because it could be triggering.

Maybe it already is.

Anyway, it was one of those weird times when I felt I was in the right place at the right time, to hear the right message. I do believe people can change. I believe that the act of rape is evil. I had never understood that I was a survivor until that day. As a survivor, I forgive myself and some of the perpetrators. I do not forgive the pervasive attitude that tries to minimize it or blame the victim.

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Today, a migraineous headache most of the day, stomach distress and sleepiness to go along with it. I'm blaming barometric pressure changes.

Also I didn't sleep well last night. I forgot to take my mirtazapine and was nervous about the lab tests today.

I've gained 10 pounds. Oh well.

Headache is finally diminishing, but I slept for nearly a full hour, very deeply shortly after I got home from the lab.

Had an appointment with my T and we discussed end of life issues, mostly as they pertain to my aging kitty cat. And my DH's father.

Not the cheeriest visit. Again, oh well, but I'm taking my pill tonight!!!!

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Saw the spine surgeon today and it went really well. I finally encountered a good competent doctor who listens to my concerns and doesnt ignore me.

He said I had 5 tumors in my neck instead of the 2 I was aware of and that it would be a relatively low risk simple operation to remove them all at once.

Finally good news. He did say the wait list was rather long, as much as 3 years for elective surgery but that might be worked down to as low as 1.5 years.

He said after the surgery I would heal in about 4 weeks and my neck would no long have stiffness, that was causing me poor head posture and so much aggitation after the surgery.

Next step is to see the foot surgeon to get that booked to remove the tumors in my foot and get on that waiting list.

Tonight I feel so lonely and depressed I would cry if the meds didn't prevent it. I wrote more but deleted it, because what's the point?

hugs =/
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Saw the spine surgeon today and it went really well. I finally encountered a good competent doctor who listens to my concerns and doesnt ignore me.

He said I had 5 tumors in my neck instead of the 2 I was aware of and that it would be a relatively low risk simple operation to remove them all at once.

Finally good news. He did say the wait list was rather long, as much as 3 years for elective surgery but that might be worked down to as low as 1.5 years.

He said after the surgery I would heal in about 4 weeks and my neck would no long have stiffness, that was causing me poor head posture and so much aggitation after the surgery.

Next step is to see the foot surgeon to get that booked to remove the tumors in my foot and get on that waiting list.

Tonight I feel so lonely and depressed I would cry if the meds didn't prevent it. I wrote more but deleted it, because what's the point?

hugs =/
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I managed to put together a table and chair set for my grandchildren tonight.  It's so cute.  Just a wee little mahogany colored set, but it will give them a place to sit and eat and or color.  I have a big dining table, which is great for joint activities, but we're not always doing the same thing.  I also took down a bed that my mom wants.  She has a set of bunk beds that she's going to trade me for it, so it really is a win-win situation.  I have had an antique, white, wrought-iron bed that I've been meaning to refurbish for some time now.  I set it up today and will start working on it tomorrow.  It's a tedious project because I don't want to damage the iron, but there are some spots that need sanding.  Anyway, I decided that there's no need to put my life on hold.  I'm not sure why I was doing that.  I'm sure there are lots of reasons.  Mostly, I fear trying really hard and then going back down the rabbit hole.  That sort of thinking adds to my depression.  I've decided that I'll deal with a set-back when and if it happens.  I've been physically isolated this week because my blood work indicates something is going on and not only do I not want to give it to someone else, I also have an immune system that's not behaving right now so I'm probably easily infected myself.  I did some home projects I've been wanting to do for a long time.  I hung some pictures, bought some flowers for myself, put together that table and I have a little yellow shelf coming for the kids tomorrow that I'll have to assemble.  I also bought a really cheery looking puzzle which I plan on framing to hang in my kitchen when I'm done with it.  I haven't worked a puzzle in a long time but really used to enjoy them.  I have to work this weekend and then get blood drawn again on Monday.  I hope it shows an improvement. 

 

I think my new sense of concern for my life was triggered by the text I received from my ex about my dog.  I guess I was holding on to the idea that as long as she was alive we had a connection.  I know how pathetic that sounds.  I didn't want to be with him but I never really thought he'd go away completely.  Yes, I know how selfish that is.  I know, too, that I hated knowing that he thought he could treat me however he wanted and that I'd never go way, and yet, when I'm real honest I did the same thing to him.  I didn't treat him badly but I didn't insist on the severing of our ties until this last breakup.  It's true that he stalked me and it's true that he pursued me at a time when I was really vulnerable (newly sober), but I could have, had I been healthier, navigated a break up that didn't include me sitting around waiting for him to finish his newest fling and come back to me.  Oh well, I didn't mean to make it about the relationship.  I was trying to show how that last connection being severed has me feeling like my purpose in his life is really over and that I don't need to have his approval about how I'm living anymore.  If I want to stay home and do puzzles that's what I'm going to do.  If I don't want to work my bottom off to be a size zero anymore I'm not going to.  I do need to put exercise back into my life but this time it will be so I feel good.  Not to earn his approval or try to be all that so he won't want someone else.  I see now that him and that desire has nothing to do with me. 

 

I read somewhere that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I can't say that I've ever actively considered it, but I sure have tried to punish myself to death. 

 

We're going to make it people.  I don't know how or when or even why but as long as we put one foot in front of the other we can make it.  I believe we can even be filled with joy.  Maybe not today.  Maybe tomorrow will be your turn (I hope so), and I'll be down (I hope not).  Ha.

 

Hugs to you all.

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I just had a really WEIRD experience happen to me on Facebook. I am friends with my distant uncle on Facebook. But then he "friended" me again with the same picture, and I thought, that's really weird. I didn't think to check our friends status in my list of friends. Then after accepting his friend request, I receive a message from him that simply said "how are you doing?". I went to reply to the message this morning, and I couldn't reply. The message had been identified as abusive or as spam, according to Facebook and had been removed. I just looked again, and Facebook says that the sender's account requires verification.

 

Huh? So why is my uncle's message marked as spam? Did someone else borrow his picture and pose as him? It was odd that I was being friended by him again when we were already friends. I'm really confused and a bit weirded out. :/

 

But TGIF! Looking forward to a concert tonight then time with my boyfriend this weekend.
 

 

Today I had a really good therapist's appointment where we discussed the influence of my mother in my life.  She was verbally and emotionally abusive when I was growing up, so that I needed years of therapy to get over it.  We have a relationship now that can be difficult and causes me additional problems.  My therapist pointed out that I am giving some weight to my mother's opinion of things even though I know how cruelly and wrongly she has been in judging me in the past.   For instance, one reason I see myself as a "failure" is due to my mother's opinion that I am no good with money.  She attributes my relative poverty (compared to my brother, for instance) to the fact that (in her perception) I'm a spendthrift and financially irresponsible, rather than the fact my husband has a disability and has had a very low and variable income for 14 out of the 20 years we've been together.  She thinks we eat "gourmet food" because we buy free-range eggs and some organic products, and some things such as multigrain sprouted bread which is better for my IBS than cheap bread.

 

Why, oh why, do I allow this woman to go on hurting me with her unfair judgments?  My therapist pointed out that this seems to be contributing to my depression.  But it's *so hard* to disregard the opinion of one's mother.  Yet I *know* she is wrong.  Argh!  I wish I could just say "who cares what she thinks?"  and mean it.  Maybe just typing this out here is helping me get closer to that, though.

 

Perhaps the one area my husband and I do overspend is eating out in (inexpensive) restaurants several times a month, to the tune of a few hundred dollars.  It's the only form of entertainment we spend money on, though.  Ironically. this is a weakness my mother shares so is not part of her judgment that we are spendthrifts!

 

Well, I felt really good about the fact this was addressed in therapy.  If anyone has any strategies as to how to disregard this negative opinion, I'd be grateful to hear them.

Lauryn,

 

I'm so glad you had a good therapy appt! Sounds really productive! The only thought that came to mind with regards to your question is that whenever you feel your mother's words influencing your thoughts, is to stop and remind yourself that these are her words, they are not in truth, that there is evidence in your life to the contrary, and that you know the full truth of the matter.... she is skewing the truth based on her own limited/narrow perspective, but these opinions have no merit and are not warranted. I think it may be a matter of redirecting your thoughts (and then feelings) each time it occurs, and reinforcing in your own mind what the real truth is, without feeling the need to justify or defend yourself. Not sure if that will help, but it's the one thing I can think of. :hugs: Hugs!

 

Edited by RiverLight
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Woke up early again, lying in bed with my dark thoughts dreading another day, wishing it could end today.

I go to sleep hopeful every evening, but the morning keeps coming. Can't stand my life at all anymore. If you could live inside my head, you'd understand how I can say and think such terrible things.

Some peoples' lives are good or have potential to be so, and they should continue fighting on. But some of us are screwed up beyond fixing. I lost at the game of life. I tried, but I sucked. I did have potential and opportunities, but I couldn't get it done.

I no longer enjoy anything except taking sleeping pills in the evening and drifting into oblivion. All my former hobbies and interests mean nothing to me now. Can't enjoy being around people anymore.

I don't blame others or cruel fate (although my mother's madness did ruin my best chance at happiness years ago when she destroyed my young family).

It's better to reboot. I don't expect sympathy or help. Wish there was an easy way to exit. I pray, but the prayer doesn't get answered, at least not yet.

Meanwhile while I am still here I will try to go through the the motions as best I can and be decent to other people. I won't let my misery make me angry and evil. That's the best I can do now.

Sorry for the negativity. I must seem like a bitter pill. I prefer to be honest than give fake positivity. I still wish the rest of you well. I don't want you to be like me. If you have something you love to fight for, do it.

Don't want to patronize you; say I understand your pain, but I've experienced similar feelings at various times in my life.  Every day I would say "I wish it would end."  I, too, would go to bed with my sleeping pill (and my pain killer and muscle relaxer), praying that it would end in my sleep.  I would get up and go to work crying, then leave work and cry while driving home.  Didn't everybody?  This was my Normal.  Depression does this.  Makes you think that this is all there is.  Skews your perspective of yourself and others into one dark web of pain.  I'm so sorry you hurt so badly.  Being here has helped me a great deal; just knowing there are others who 'get it' makes a big difference.  My best wishes and good thoughts for you.  I'll look for your posts and listen whenever I'm here.  :console::book: 

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I just had a really WEIRD experience happen to me on Facebook. I am friends with my distant uncle on Facebook. But then he "friended" me again with the same picture, and I thought, that's really weird. I didn't think to check our friends status in my list of friends. Then after accepting his friend request, I receive a message from him that simply said "how are you doing?". I went to reply to the message this morning, and I couldn't reply. The message had been identified as abusive or as spam, according to Facebook and had been removed. I just looked again, and Facebook says that the sender's account requires verification.

 

Huh? So why is my uncle's message marked as spam? Did someone else borrow his picture and pose as him? It was odd that I was being friended by him again when we were already friends. I'm really confused and a bit weirded out. :/

 

But TGIF! Looking forward to a concert tonight then time with my boyfriend this weekend.

 

 

Today I had a really good therapist's appointment where we discussed the influence of my mother in my life.  She was verbally and emotionally abusive when I was growing up, so that I needed years of therapy to get over it.  We have a relationship now that can be difficult and causes me additional problems.  My therapist pointed out that I am giving some weight to my mother's opinion of things even though I know how cruelly and wrongly she has been in judging me in the past.   For instance, one reason I see myself as a "failure" is due to my mother's opinion that I am no good with money.  She attributes my relative poverty (compared to my brother, for instance) to the fact that (in her perception) I'm a spendthrift and financially irresponsible, rather than the fact my husband has a disability and has had a very low and variable income for 14 out of the 20 years we've been together.  She thinks we eat "gourmet food" because we buy free-range eggs and some organic products, and some things such as multigrain sprouted bread which is better for my IBS than cheap bread.

 

Why, oh why, do I allow this woman to go on hurting me with her unfair judgments?  My therapist pointed out that this seems to be contributing to my depression.  But it's *so hard* to disregard the opinion of one's mother.  Yet I *know* she is wrong.  Argh!  I wish I could just say "who cares what she thinks?"  and mean it.  Maybe just typing this out here is helping me get closer to that, though.

 

Perhaps the one area my husband and I do overspend is eating out in (inexpensive) restaurants several times a month, to the tune of a few hundred dollars.  It's the only form of entertainment we spend money on, though.  Ironically. this is a weakness my mother shares so is not part of her judgment that we are spendthrifts!

 

Well, I felt really good about the fact this was addressed in therapy.  If anyone has any strategies as to how to disregard this negative opinion, I'd be grateful to hear them.

Lauryn,

 

I'm so glad you had a good therapy appt! Sounds really productive! The only thought that came to mind with regards to your question is that whenever you feel your mother's words influencing your thoughts, is to stop and remind yourself that these are her words, they are not in truth, that there is evidence in your life to the contrary, and that you know the full truth of the matter.... she is skewing the truth based on her own limited/narrow perspective, but these opinions have no merit and are not warranted. I think it may be a matter of redirecting your thoughts (and then feelings) each time it occurs, and reinforcing in your own mind what the real truth is, without feeling the need to justify or defend yourself. Not sure if that will help, but it's the one thing I can think of. :hugs: Hugs!

Someone has hacked your uncle's account. It is sadly a common problem, and not his fault. He needs to change his password.

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