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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Migraine so bad it's making me cry...this shouldn't exist

I hope it's better today. I've had those. They suck.

You seem to get them really often and I'm wondering if consulting a specialist & getting good meds for them would help.

{{{{{icy_rose}}}}}

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I had one of those random occurrences again today, where some person crossed paths with me and I changed their life.  They seem to hone right in on me in a crowd; they know, that I understand them and their problems and have a feeling that I can help them.  Then I start talking to them and all the pain melts away in an instant.  Not because I immediately resolved all their troubles; but, because knowing that there is at least one person out there, that truly understands what they are experiencing inside, provides them a feeling of comfort they've probably never had before.  To suddenly realize, not only are they not alone in the dark; but, that someone next to them, knows them in ways they couldn't have dreamed.

I don't normally ever talk about these experienced that I have with anyone; because, I don't want anyone to get the false impression that I'm some magic cure-all.  I am not.  These are people who have highly unique problems, that require a unique perspective.  Granted, I do help a lot of people in general; however, it isn't usually as intense as those moments are.  That all being said, there is someone out there that understands you and your experiences.  If you haven't met them yet; just, be patient.

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Migraine so bad it's making me cry...this shouldn't exist

I hope it's better today. I've had those. They suck.

You seem to get them really often and I'm wondering if consulting a specialist & getting good meds for them would help.

{{{{{icy_rose}}}}}

 

I go to a pain clinic and see a neurologist, I actually have Chronic Migraines and have had for a round 7 years. Thank you, it is better after sleeping  :hugs:

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A good day, but I woke up not feeling so good, physically. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to classes yesterday. I skipped today. I need to write the paper that's due tomorrow, anyway.

 

But I really want to write. I'm itching to pursue a couple of threads of this story that's been tugging at me since last night. Now I wish I'd just done it last night. But then it would probably have a death grip on me now, and I couldn't get around to the paper. I just need to tap out this paper, get it over with, so I can move on. It's been bugging me since Friday. The thing is, the prompts are really narrow, and sound hard. They say to bring in stuff on subjects I'm not at all familiar with, and that weren't covered in our readings.

 

I'm frankly sick of undergraduate work. These piddling five-page papers that are incongruously hard to write because of professors' narrow or weird forced focus on things in which I have zero interest. It's especially frustrating because, nine times out of ten, I could easily write good papers on whatever books we're looking at - but on very different themes and subjects in those books.

 

Maybe next time, I'll email the prof in advance to ask if it's OK to diverge from the prompt. Honestly, I'm 31, not 15. I have plenty of my own thoughts without needing to borrow and follow others', thank you very much. Actually, I always did, and always hated this kind of forced focus. But that's another story.

 

Good luck today, everyone.

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The rapidly changing/unstable moods of Borderline Personality Disorder are so difficult so deal with =/  From feeling mildly depressed to feeling up, happy, hopeful to feeling hopeless, extremely dsyphoric, empty and thinking about suicide in a little over 24 hours.

Edited by NC86
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The rapidly changing/unstable moods of Borderline Personality Disorder are so difficult so deal with =/  From feeling mildly depressed to feeling up, happy, hopeful to feeling hopeless, extremely dsyphoric, empty and thinking about suicide in a little over 24 hours.

Hugs to you NC86. I swing like that,too, but maybe to a lesser degree because I don't have BPD, and can't claim to know what that's like, but I know my emotional swings wear me out sometimes. I think I've gotten a little bit better at recognizing what's happening, like you stated, and that helps me sometimes. Other times it just makes me more emotional as I tend to both judge myself harshly and get resentful that I have to deal with this all of the time.

I hope the emotions slow down for you for a time so you can get some rest.

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The rapidly changing/unstable moods of Borderline Personality Disorder are so difficult so deal with =/  From feeling mildly depressed to feeling up, happy, hopeful to feeling hopeless, extremely dsyphoric, empty and thinking about suicide in a little over 24 hours.

I have a few sayings I that I use, kind of like pick up lines.  I used to say my life was like a roller coaster.  Now it feels like I've been flying in space jumping through worm holes.  That's how bpd feels to me, if that's what doctors want to say I have.  The more I read about it, the more it kind of fits me and my wild personality. There's a book out there titled "I Hate You Don't Leave Me", it really spoke to me about bpd.  Unstable is a good word to use.

 

"I'm different, Yea I'm different, I'm different, Yea I'm different." - 2Chainz

 

Heard gun shots last night.  Made me think about how I was shot at three times last year.  One of those times I heard the bullet fly past me and hit the concrete. If I equate all the times I've overdosed (at least 13-15 times), been shot at or had a knife pulled on me, and all the countless times I've been in very dangerous situations, I can deduct that I've been in one beautiful dance with death.  It fascinates me that I've survived through it all, even while praying to God to take my life.  So today, I messaged my ex gf's daughter about everything.  We had a good relationship.  Both her parents are completely neglectful and are drug addicts.  Her father then messaged me to stop talking to her.  I could have been nice and respectful and told him ok, np.  But I really hate it when the scum of the Earth tells me what to do.  So I became obscene, words coming out of my mouth like shrapnel out of a bomb.  He typed up his little death threat.  I told him to get in line, there's apparently a lot of people that want me dead, except for God.  I know there are people on this forum who aren't 18 yet, and my heart goes out to you if you are feeling so bad at an age where you should be completely happy.  I understand that some people have a chemical imbalance, and that there are forces that sometimes we can't fight.  But when such a young girl lives in such misery because of her circus of a family, it really pi**es me off.  

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I'm feeling anxious.

I have a medical exam with a company I know nothing about because my spouse's company switched HR/insurance plans. So in order to get term life insurance, they have to examine me. I feel bad because I've been eating carb-filled food for the past month, I've gained some weight and although I think my blood pressure will be okay, I don't know what else will.

Ultimately it doesn't matter.

I hate going to new places.

I hate being taken by surprise like this did. I like knowing months in advance when I have to go to the doctor.

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I'm feeling anxious.

I have a medical exam with a company I know nothing about because my spouse's company switched HR/insurance plans. So in order to get term life insurance, th

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I typed out a response and it just disappeared. Anyway, I know how you feel Dolphin and I'm sending you some good juju.

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I am having a bit of trouble: I am falling heavily for a new friend (since August), who, for various reasons, I believe to be "romantically unattainable" (for lack of a better term).  This despite having received a few cues from her that perhaps there can be more.  She seems to be saying "maybe more, just not now."  Yet I want to remain her friend, because we get along fabulously and she entertains and inspires me and I believe I support her too.  Only thing, I am afraid I will always have this attraction to deal with.  I wish it wasn't there, and that we could just hang. I also fear she's out of my league - she has suitors around the world, people with big jobs and expense accounts.  I was just dumped by someone (who clearly liked me, I believe) because of my financial situation (in short: not good LOL) so I am very afraid to even try again. Weird:  I used to feel unlovable because of my appearance.  Now, I don't feel that as much.  Now I feel unlovable because I'm not where people expect you to be at my age financially.

 

She has told me that she doesn't give a damn about money, and I think I believe her (but my bringing it up here may contradict that).  Another factor is that she is getting over (maybe) an brief fling with someone who lives far away who she routinely refers to as "the love of my life."  She has said that this fellow (also called Brian, most unfortunately!!) is her soul mate.  Yet it doesn't seem like it will happen with him.  I know I should just be friendly and bide my time.  I need to conquer this feeling I should go for it and just enjoy her company, and let what might come, come what may.  Can I do this?  I am lonely and I am falling!

Edited by salparadise6132
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The rapidly changing/unstable moods of Borderline Personality Disorder are so difficult so deal with =/  From feeling mildly depressed to feeling up, happy, hopeful to feeling hopeless, extremely dsyphoric, empty and thinking about suicide in a little over 24 hours.

i hear you NC86 i was in class today and sat at the table and they were like your at the cool table and I was like yeah i am,i started getting at the person trying to be friendly towards me,i don,t know if it because its im older or what but my mind just kept saying shut the **** up shut the **** up shut the **** I don,t feel like talking or reacting to anyone out side of doing school work.Then when I was out with my friends I started getting p***** at the waiteress because she kept asking how the food is two times,everyone at the table said she was such a nice waiter and I was jus thinking *** I hate her.i was getting so mad i never say anything I keep it to myself .Other people can see my facial expression and I can tell they get fearful or upset,its so hard to hide when im angry,i would rather get up and leave then have to deal with people getting angry at me for being angry.I get so p***** around most people especially people in there early 20s and teens,sometimes I wish I could just reach across the table and smack them for being rude and im only 25,but I get almost know enjoyment from being around them and I end up upset and angry.Then people give me judgmental looks when I say things the kid was saying he went to a metal concert so I was like I like metal to,then he said he only went to make his teenage self from middle school happy and im like ***.i noticed certain people usually younger people seem to follow a script of things they can talk about there never aloud to be themselfs or talk about what they like because there scared of not being accepted,its so aggravating having to watch the whole conversation play out.I just get so so annoyed probably because of my personalty disorder.I don,t know how people can speak like that and live that way.

 

I don,t know if anyone else with a personality disorder can relate,i have so much trouble just being friendly or connecting with people at all that im making myself upset again.

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The rapidly changing/unstable moods of Borderline Personality Disorder are so difficult so deal with =/  From feeling mildly depressed to feeling up, happy, hopeful to feeling hopeless, extremely dsyphoric, empty and thinking about suicide in a little over 24 hours.

i hear you NC86 i was in class today and sat at the table and they were like your at the cool table and I was like yeah i am,i started getting at the person trying to be friendly towards me,i don,t know if it because its im older or what but my mind just kept saying shut the **** up shut the **** up shut the **** I don,t feel like talking or reacting to anyone out side of doing school work.Then when I was out with my friends I started getting p***** at the waiteress because she kept asking how the food is two times,everyone at the table said she was such a nice waiter and I was jus thinking *** I hate her.i was getting so mad i never say anything I keep it to myself .Other people can see my facial expression and I can tell they get fearful or upset,its so hard to hide when im angry,i would rather get up and leave then have to deal with people getting angry at me for being angry.I get so p***** around most people especially people in there early 20s and teens,sometimes I wish I could just reach across the table and smack them for being rude and im only 25,but I get almost know enjoyment from being around them and I end up upset and angry.Then people give me judgmental looks when I say things the kid was saying he went to a metal concert so I was like I like metal to,then he said he only went to make his teenage self from middle school happy and im like ***.i noticed certain people usually younger people seem to follow a script of things they can talk about there never aloud to be themselfs or talk about what they like because there scared of not being accepted,its so aggravating having to watch the whole conversation play out.I just get so so annoyed probably because of my personalty disorder.I don,t know how people can speak like that and live that way.

 

I don,t know if anyone else with a personality disorder can relate,i have so much trouble just being friendly or connecting with people at all that im making myself upset again.

 

I see a lot of myself in what you write. I dislike people who are fixated on their social status whenever they speak, though instead of getting angry I just alienate myself from them. I haven't really connected with anyone in over seven years, and I don't really like being around the friends I have. 

Edited by Litany
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The rapidly changing/unstable moods of Borderline Personality Disorder are so difficult so deal with =/  From feeling mildly depressed to feeling up, happy, hopeful to feeling hopeless, extremely dsyphoric, empty and thinking about suicide in a little over 24 hours.

i hear you NC86 i was in class today and sat at the table and they were like your at the cool table and I was like yeah i am,i started getting at the person trying to be friendly towards me,i don,t know if it because its im older or what but my mind just kept saying shut the **** up shut the **** up shut the **** I don,t feel like talking or reacting to anyone out side of doing school work.Then when I was out with my friends I started getting p***** at the waiteress because she kept asking how the food is two times,everyone at the table said she was such a nice waiter and I was jus thinking *** I hate her.i was getting so mad i never say anything I keep it to myself .Other people can see my facial expression and I can tell they get fearful or upset,its so hard to hide when im angry,i would rather get up and leave then have to deal with people getting angry at me for being angry.I get so p***** around most people especially people in there early 20s and teens,sometimes I wish I could just reach across the table and smack them for being rude and im only 25,but I get almost know enjoyment from being around them and I end up upset and angry.Then people give me judgmental looks when I say things the kid was saying he went to a metal concert so I was like I like metal to,then he said he only went to make his teenage self from middle school happy and im like ***.i noticed certain people usually younger people seem to follow a script of things they can talk about there never aloud to be themselfs or talk about what they like because there scared of not being accepted,its so aggravating having to watch the whole conversation play out.I just get so so annoyed probably because of my personalty disorder.I don,t know how people can speak like that and live that way.

 

I don,t know if anyone else with a personality disorder can relate,i have so much trouble just being friendly or connecting with people at all that im making myself upset again.

 

I see a lot of myself in what you write. I dislike people who are fixated on their social status whenever they speak, though instead of getting angry I just alienate myself from them. I haven't really connected with anyone in over seven years, and I don't really like being around the friends I have. 

 

I still talked to them and treat them well I just don,t want to be around them because they annoy me another thing I hate is when people ask me why I do things like why I eat my food with a fork and knife why I eat certain food combinations,I just say why do you want to know,or I say because I feel like it.If I want to be funny i,ll say "I just do things".There are so many stupid things people expect you to live by then act like im descrating something scared if I think differently and theree rude about I never demand people to give me explanations why they do things or about what they like,you have to be pretty stupid to not know your being a d**k by doing that.I hate whhen people try to get me to care about the news to I just don,t care because there is not much I can do about the world im not going to waste my time caring about terrorists ******s on tv,life is to short for that I would rather not think about.i don,t see whats wrong with that if I want to read the news i read postive things.

 

If you don,t like your friends tryy get new ones by doing things you like I just stopped talking to friends I made that I felt were judgmental or who tried to force there values on me

Edited by scienceguy
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Taking a turn for the worst. My mother got quite upset and had a panic attack and I just froze. I had no idea what to do or say, and I just sat around for an hour. She has always been there for me, and when she needs some support I do absolutely. I cannot shake the feeling that my family would be better off if I was resting in a casket. Just a freeloader who is too self-absorbed to do anything useful. No one else in my damn family is any good at this, so I have to be helpful, right? She spends so much time driving me around to appointments (I hate driving), making sure I don't shoot myself in the foot, and listening to my whinging. If I was a better person I would be able to help. 

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Taking a turn for the worst. My mother got quite upset and had a panic attack and I just froze. I had no idea what to do or say, and I just sat around for an hour. She has always been there for me, and when she needs some support I do absolutely. I cannot shake the feeling that my family would be better off if I was resting in a casket. Just a freeloader who is too self-absorbed to do anything useful. No one else in my damn family is any good at this, so I have to be helpful, right? She spends so much time driving me around to appointments (I hate driving), making sure I don't shoot myself in the foot, and listening to my whinging. If I was a better person I would be able to help. 

Its ok that is a normal reaction for someone to have,your not doing anything wrong.If you think your self absorbed you can change and your life can get better its not over just keep taking smaall steps and eventually you will be better and think it was funny how upset you once were.

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Taking a turn for the worst. My mother got quite upset and had a panic attack and I just froze. I had no idea what to do or say, and I just sat around for an hour. She has always been there for me, and when she needs some support I do absolutely. I cannot shake the feeling that my family would be better off if I was resting in a casket. Just a freeloader who is too self-absorbed to do anything useful. No one else in my damn family is any good at this, so I have to be helpful, right? She spends so much time driving me around to appointments (I hate driving), making sure I don't shoot myself in the foot, and listening to my whinging. If I was a better person I would be able to help. 

 

Hi Lit!  There is a bigger world out there than your family.  For example, we, here, are more than grateful you're not "resting in casket."  It sound to me like you are living in a very difficult situation.  Just so you know, I did, too, when I was with my parents as well (neglected, misunderstood, and abused).  While the scars are still there, I have learned that there is a world out there that will react completely differently to you.  Situations WILL change for you!  Big HUGS!!

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Only got to work on my novel for half an hour today due to various interruptions and time spent getting other things done.  I'm hoping to work on it for at least an hour tomorrow, and ideally finish the final edit in the next day or two, or three.  Then I need to start another.

 

 

I am a writer as well.  I admire your ability to focus on writing.  My depression has given me complete writer's block on the novel I am working on. However I can still write poetry and short stories mostly describing how I feel at the time, or positive memories.

 

Good luck with your novel.  I'm sure it will be a winner.  Love to read it when published!

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Feeling anxious.  Have a big day tomorrow and with all the rain we are having don't really want to be driving.  

 

Feeling it is harder now to hide my sadness when out and about or talking with friends or doctors.  I'm struggling to stay above board, but some friends have picked up on it and are keeping their distance.  I don't blame them as negativism is not something people are attracted too.  I myself don't define myself that way.  I hear and try to react in a positive and helpful way when people are down or sick.  Maybe because I have had more practice.

 

Just going through the motions day to day, counting my blessings, but wishing I could feel them.  And see more clearly the positives in my life.

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