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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Last night I dreamed that I do not exist. It was so strange. I can't even describe it. My dreams can be powerful.

Today I woke up with a massive headache and an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness.

I miss my ex-wife so much. it's my fault we split several years ago. Now she's doing really well without me, and I feel like I'm sinking fast. I am happy for her and pray for her, but I feel her absence too much.

So many signs point to the end - dreams, depression, dying career, intuition. I am ready.

Hugs Onemore. I too, had everything on your list happen to me - depression, losing a family and a subsequent girlfriend, financial ruin, career stagnation and retreat. But, things do change and I have hope again. It can come back!!!

Thank you, sir. Right now I feel so far from hope. But real miracles have happened before in my life when I was on the brink of health and financial disaster.

Maybe God or my guiding spirit will save me again, if there is any more purpose for me to fulfill. Otherwise, I'd rather go. For now I am here, and I appreciate the kind words and support.

Edited by One More Red Nightmare

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Feeling pretty good this morning. Got to dose thankfully.

Bought some Chinese food and my cat a good snack and my grandmother some items she enjoys .

About to read a couple comic books and. Try and be productive in some way. Study perhaps.

My area is in the middle of a winter storm so might get snowed in but the weather outside looks beautiful.

I hope everyone is having a better day today. Best of wishes to all of you.

Take care.

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Having a wonderful morning. Woke up needing to write. Trying to organize thoughts on this story that's taken over my head since ~2011. I need to get it out, especially before my heart moves on to some other story. I also feel like it's more mine, more reflective of me, than most of my previous work.

 

So much to do right now, though! :)

 

Best to all!

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"God damn I don't want to be an angel when I die." - Rammstein 

 

"The question, they keep asking me, How can someone so young be so bitter and angry?" - Hatebreed

 

Suicide prevention team called me yesterday.  I accidentally picked up thinking it was a job offer.  Sometimes I feel bad for being so aggressive and mean to some of these people.  The lady that calls me is super nice, I can tell she does it because she wants to help people genuinely.  She asked me if I am going to my psychiatrists appointment this Saturday, I told her I didn't want to.  She asked if I'm on my meds, I said no.  Then she asked me the golden question, do you feel like hurting yourself.  I started laughing, she became concerned.  I told her that I've made my decision, this is either going to destroy me, or I'm going to hulk smash my way out of it.  I've tried so hard their way, therapy and a cocktail of anti psychotics and mood stabilizers.  Maybe I'm wrong, making another wrong decision.  But all I've learned in this life is pain and loss, all I know how to do is fight against grain.

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My spirits just soared straight through the roof - I got an acceptance letter from Oregon State University!!! My first one. The first school I've heard back from at all, I mean. Which is odd, really, because I think they're the last school I applied to. Their deadline was only 1/6.

 

Actually, it was an email, and they did say they're notifying their top candidates early. They said they were so impressed with my application that they're nominating me for the Provost's Fellowship.

 

I am just so happy and excited, I don't even know what to do with myself. :book::smile: :smile: :smile: :smile: :smile: :smile: My fear about the future is evaporating: I was so afraid I wouldn't get in anywhere, and now I know that I've at least got a (good!) position in one school. It's so heartening, in terms of the future, and my chances at the other universities. OSU isn't my first choice, but I'm still deeply grateful. Granted, I'm still waiting to hear back from the PhD programs, not to mention the five British schools I'm in the process of applying to now. OSU was actually the only MA program (English - Literature and Culture) that I applied to; UO, the only MFA program (Creative Writing).

 

Gratitude is just pouring out of me. I've got this wonderful warmth pumping out of my chest. I'm so, so, so glad and grateful and relieved that I pushed through all the storms last fall to pull myself together enough to make myself apply!

 

Thank you to everyone here on DF who helped me through that awful time!!! I won't forget it, and I am grateful beyond words.

 

Love and blessings to all!!!!!!!

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Sad.Which is how I seem to feel as the night goes on.Listening to music as I type this.I`m trying to feel better.

 

Hugs Lady.  Never told you before, but I love your Morrissey quote!!!!

Thanks for the hugs.Sending some right back to you.Glad you like my Morrissey quote. :) :)

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I have a therapist appointment on Monday that I am not looking forward to. Going to have to cover some hard topics such as why I stopped taking medication (I have since restarted) and the fact that because of that choice I have thrown myself into another depressive episode. I also want to expand the scope of my CBT and am unsure of how to breach the subject. Hope everyone else is having a good day. 

 

Devin

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Today work was quite a mess. Company wide we were allowed to leave at 12:30pm and our supervisor and manager decided to not tell us. So when everyone found out about it they jumped ship and aren't showing up for work tomorrow. I myself left at 2pm. As far as going in tomorrow it's still up in the air. Currently have a 2 hour delay but still... I drove home this afternoon and it wasn't that great.

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Skylark1's good news has me pumped.  She has potential, that girl.  She might not know it, but she does have terrific skills. She is a very bright one, I know from corresponding with her. I hope she knows that we all believe in her!!!

 

As for me, I had an amazing exchange with my writing mentor - he and I are on the same page with the direction of my novel.  We had this uncanny eureka moment where we both came to the exact same conclusion on where the novel should go.  I have never had such an experience in my life! I sent him a message saying that, in the time we have left (end of semester in April) I would just like to bounce my chapter outlines off him (his primary benefit has been in structuring my writing, making sure I am staying tethered to what the reader wants to know next) - and he responded saying that he is "in this until the end" and that he's "invested too much in this work to bail now."  In other words, he will continue to mentor/direct me after the college semester ends.  I am so heartened and thankful for this.  I think he believes this six year and counting project of mine has a chance.

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Skylark1's good news has me pumped.  She has potential, that girl.  She might not know it, but she does have terrific skills. She is a very bright one, I know from corresponding with her. I hope she knows that we all believe in her!!!

 

As for me, I had an amazing exchange with my writing mentor - he and I are on the same page with the direction of my novel.  We had this uncanny eureka moment where we both came to the exact same conclusion on where the novel should go.  I have never had such an experience in my life! I sent him a message saying that, in the time we have left (end of semester in April) I would just like to bounce my chapter outlines off him (his primary benefit has been in structuring my writing, making sure I am staying tethered to what the reader wants to know next) - and he responded saying that he is "in this until the end" and that he's "invested too much in this work to bail now."  In other words, he will continue to mentor/direct me after the college semester ends.  I am so heartened and thankful for this.  I think he believes this six year and counting project of mine has a chance.

Brian, thank you so much!!! I'm not really used to positive messages (DF excluded, of course :), so when I get them, it means more than I can express, even though I have trouble absorbing them sometimes. But DF has been an invaluable help in undoing and replacing the abusive conditioning of my childhood. Hell, it's been a lifeline, in getting me through some of my toughest times this past fall. It's hard to see how I would've made it so far without the support of this place. I'm pulling and praying for all of you!

 

Congratulations on that writing breakthrough!!! I know well how precious and magical those eureka moments are! That's excellent about your writing guru being so committed to your novel!!! He must see real potential in it. :) You mentioned a kind of "black" moment recently - I've had those, too, when my writing seems wanting in this way and that, and the whole project hopeless. But when my mind clears, I can see through that deceptive thinking, and realize that the "super-critic" voice in my head is full of . I hope you're having that kind of "aha!" moment now! It's one thing for you to love your writing, but other people usually don't stick with it unless they believe it has potential. Keep chiseling away at that thing!

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I've been getting lots of panic attacks recently and I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not going to die and that everyone that I know isn't meeting up every week to talk about how horrible I am ahhhhhhhhh 

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"God damn I don't want to be an angel when I die." - Rammstein

"The question, they keep asking me, How can someone so young be so bitter and angry?" - Hatebreed

Suicide prevention team called me yesterday. I accidentally picked up thinking it was a job offer. Sometimes I feel bad for being so aggressive and mean to some of these people. The lady that calls me is super nice, I can tell she does it because she wants to help people genuinely. She asked me if I am going to my psychiatrists appointment this Saturday, I told her I didn't want to. She asked if I'm on my meds, I said no. Then she asked me the golden question, do you feel like hurting yourself. I started laughing, she became concerned. I told her that I've made my decision, this ###### is either going to destroy me, or I'm going to hulk smash my way out of it. I've tried so hard their way, therapy and a cocktail of anti psychotics and mood stabilizers. Maybe I'm wrong, making another wrong decision. But all I've learned in this life is pain and loss, all I know how to do is fight against grain.

I'm sorry. (For the lady:)) I would get angry if i was her and you would yell at me how unprofessional i was. It would be a meaningful conversation for both. :)

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My spirits just soared straight through the roof - I got an acceptance letter from Oregon State University!!! My first one. The first school I've heard back from at all, I mean.

Skylark, WOOHOOO!!!! Big congrats!!!!! That is so awesome, after all your hard work!! So happy for you!! :Coopclapping: :Coopclapping: :Coopclapping:

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Last night I dreamed that I do not exist. It was so strange. I can't even describe it. My dreams can be powerful.

Today I woke up with a massive headache and an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness.

I miss my ex-wife so much. it's my fault we split several years ago. Now she's doing really well without me, and I feel like I'm sinking fast. I am happy for her and pray for her, but I feel her absence too much.

So many signs point to the end - dreams, depression, dying career, intuition. I am ready.

I'm so sorry. :/  Please don't think it's the end..... I'm so sorry you;re missing your ex. That is not easy for sure. I know it doesn't look or seem this way now, but life always changes and shifts.... it's always moving forward with or without us, and things do change, and can improve. Please hold on. Big hugs going out to you!!!

Thank you. I will try. Living with near-constant feelings of hopelessness, uselessness, and sadness is so hard. Doom is always impending.

Objectively I know it's not really like this, that things can change for the better. And I feel guilty for feeling this way when so many suffer so horribly around the world.

But the feelings are always there and so oppressive. I can't rationalize them away.

Something is wrong with how my brain processes thoughts and emotions. I observe other people and know that I am not normal mentally. I hate it so much. I'll hang on because I guess I have to, but I don't want to.

Some of us just aren't really made for this world. We can just never be happy or well-balanced, content, normal. I wonder why we are brought here. It's just suffering seemingly without purpose.

 

OMRN, yeah, I do know what you mean.... it's depression working on the brain, making you think in terms of extremes & constant doom and gloom. Just remember that it's the illness, the depressed brain, that is making you feel and think this way; depression deceives people into thinking the absolute worst about all life scenarios. Also remember that many, many people hide their true emotions, and that millions suffer from one form of depression or another. So what appears to "look" normal may not be the actual truth of how a person feels inside or how they actually think. People tend to present facades and their best face to the world because they have to. Depression is in fact very common... you're not abnormal. You're suffering from an illness, and that illness can sometimes overtake who we truly are and can be. I have to battle with my depressed, negative thinking every day; it's not easy!! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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I am full of anxiety. My employer changed insurance companies to a much lesser known company, to my utter frustration, just as I was about to start therapy again and had found a new pdoc. Now my therapist isn't covered under the new insurance, and the pdoc office tells me they've never heard of it either.

 

Now I'm panicked that my pdoc appt earlier this week won't be covered under the new insurance, and that I will have to pay out of pocket. Not to mention that I now have to find a new pdoc and therapist within network, which is a royal pain all over again.

 

All I did yesterday was call and get names. Now I have to start calling each office, and also try to get appts in the evenings, which is very difficult to accomplish with most offices. Most importantly, I need a pdoc, and most seem to be at a far distance.

 

I'm totally po'ed. And my employer clearly is cutting costs, which is upsetting too. :/

 



 

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Congratulations, Skylark!!!! I know someone who got her MA in Creative Writing from somewhere in Oregon, maybe OSU. She's a fairly well-published poet, but didn't stay in academia.

You're going to be very successful. Keep doing the work and it will happen.

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Thank you for the congrats, everyone!!! It means more than I can say. I'm so excited...but I got so nervous last night after I sent a reply to OSU. I thanked them and told them how happy I was, but to avoid misunderstandings down the road, I added that I couldn't give a definite acceptance to their offer of admission so early. I hadn't expected to make a decision so soon, and I haven't even heard back from the other 13 schools I'm applying to.

 

I was afraid they'd take that as lukewarmness toward OSU - that they were the last of the 14 schools on my list! lol. They're not, actually, and this morning, I doubt they'll read it that way. After all, it's only mid-late January, and they can't expect a decision that soon. Most schools give you until April 15th to accept or decline admission. There are many, many factors to take into account, like fellowships, housing, etc.

 

I'm afraid I'm starting to come down with something this morning, though, and praying I can kick it before it gets a foothold. I woke up shivering in the middle of the night (after weirdos outside waking me up, throwing around firecrackers and setting off car alarms...scared me so much I called the cops the second time, and that's how I found out what it was). It wasn't cold, the covers just fell of my legs somehow. I woke up clammy, but don't have a temperature. Hoping I can kick it with plenty of eggs/meat. But the chicken is frozen, so I've only got soup. Drat.

 

Doing well mood-wise. Blessings and prayers going out to you all, especially those who are struggling right now. The tide can turn - I'm living proof of that. :)

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