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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Dolphin, You cured my desire for casseroles. Ha.

Brian, Yes, I have a way to go. There's this budding awareness that I fear people won't know how remorseful I am for former actions, or lack of action, if I just go on my skippy way now. I also seem to think I must be able to guarantee them that it won't happen again, which is something I can't do anymore. I don't believe I know or can predict when an episode may creep back up. I'm doing some of what I can to prevent it, but I'm pretty sure the last thing my family wants to hear me say is I've got myself together now. They've heard that one many times. I believed it when I said it but I really had no idea how depression and anxiety had taken over my life so many times.

My five-year-old grandson spent the night with me. His imagination is just amazing. We revived a plastic lizard and I have an assortment of play-dough snakes. Sometimes the business of the children and their play keeps me out of a funk. I mean who can be sad when there is a suffering lizard?

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I went to a funeral on Thursday. i was feeling anxious but I did okay.  While at the funeral my disability insurance called and left a message.  She will call again on Friday.  I am  afraid she will tell me my disability is over.  Oh well whatever.

Hang in there Duck. If it's over, I hope there's a place to appeal. Maybe with more supporting documents from the docs.

 

Camellia, thank you for your support.

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Duck mentioned meetup.com, which is an interesting site.  I joined a few groups there related mostly to esoteric subjects, including Vienna Life Transforming & Empowerment Meetup.

 

Yesterday I went to an event for this group.  It was big for me, because I've been so isolated and unsocial for so long, but I forced myself to go, and I'm glad I did.

 

The event was run by a clairvoyant healer, who led us through a healing visualization session.  (I am looking for alternatives to psych meds, which I hate.)  I felt really good afterward, which is nice, since feeling good is a rare treat for me lately.

 

Of course I woke up this morning feeling lousy again, but I think I will continue to look for "meetups" that interest me and will force myself to go.  I recommend that others here look into groups and events on the site.  Be warned that some meetups are free, but others charge money.

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Feeling low. Try to listen to music, watch movies...neither helps. Been few days now for no apparent reason.

The mind starts thinking "am I going to die". If not...then why.....

I don't have an answer for "why."

Maybe something else would work...coffee?

 

Thank you Dolphin. I will try coffee.

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small rant. My boyfriend has a job writing (temporary job, and pay depends on him) on his laptop. I wont go into speciefics, but he has to write kind of a lot. now, its almost everyday for more that 5 hours at a time. I am very depressed right now and I don't have any friends in the town I live in. Or any friends for that reason. I am ok with him writing and everything, but he doesn't talk to me for hours. and it really has an effect on me. sometimes it can start big fights. its hard for me to understand this is more than a want for him. But honestly, I don't think it really is. I am boring and annoying, and I swear that's what he thinks. he says no, but I cant ever believe people anymore. ive been sitting for 3 hours with nothing to do and hes still just as happy as can be. then theres me, getting worse every single minute. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. whenever I try to talk to him about it, he laughs, it starts fights or he doesn't understand. im loosing my mind

My husband can work anywhere. I have to be in my own space, or if I'm in a shared space, I have to have my headphones on, shutting out all other noise. But I can relate, Babycakes12--because that's what my husband does too--he writes for a living and for the past 5 years, writing from home. He used to have an office he would go to, but now he's made a space just off the dining room--it seriously gets in my way if I try to do anything that isn't "work-related."

In a typical work environment, you'd take a coffee break, or have lunch with your colleagues. Or run errands. Now that he works from home, he eats his lunch and gets right back to work. It's annoying.

We have coffee in the afternoon, but it's a real break for me, because 90% of the time, I'm the one who makes it!!! AUGGGGHHH! And if I try making conversation, he gets this look, like don't you dare...I'm working!!!

My solution is to always try to have something I'm doing for myself. It helps. I honestly think he doesn't care what I do as long as I don't bother him. LOL

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Fighting some mild depression. I'm not sure if it's coming from the food I had tonight - there was a tiny bit of added sugar in the Chinese food, and it's had this effect before - or the super-critic trying to make me feel disappointed and guilty and unworthy because of a supposed (not real) blunder earlier today. That whole thing is complete BS, which is clearer the more I think about it.

 

I'm going to take greater care with my diet, though. Things have been going great, but the hectic schedule of the new semester has really got me pressed for time, and I've been eating some processed food and junk food lately. It makes me more open to other forbidden foods, too, which I've mostly avoided so far, and which are far worse for me. So I'm going to have to find a way to stick to my tried and true diet throughout the semester. I'll try preparing things beforehand, so I can just grab them when it's time to go.

 

This was a productive post. :) I feel a bit better.

 

I also need to find a food bank and schedule. I really need to cut back on spending as much as possible, and it makes me nervous to buy food so often, even though I'm actually spending less with the greens-heavy, protein-heavy diet. I just need to shop more often because I can only buy so much at once or it goes bad. I seem to spend very little most visits, though.

 

Anyway...I should get to bed. SO glad to have this time to rest. I'm liking my classes so far, but wow, they keep me busy.

 

Have a good night, everyone.

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Fighting some mild depression. I'm not sure if it's coming from the food I had tonight - there was a tiny bit of added sugar in the Chinese food, and it's had this effect before - or the super-critic trying to make me feel disappointed and guilty and unworthy because of a supposed (not real) blunder earlier today. That whole thing is complete BS, which is clearer the more I think about it.

 

I'm going to take greater care with my diet, though. Things have been going great, but the hectic schedule of the new semester has really got me pressed for time, and I've been eating some processed food and junk food lately. It makes me more open to other forbidden foods, too, which I've mostly avoided so far, and which are far worse for me. So I'm going to have to find a way to stick to my tried and true diet throughout the semester. I'll try preparing things beforehand, so I can just grab them when it's time to go.

 

This was a productive post. :) I feel a bit better.

 

I also need to find a food bank and schedule. I really need to cut back on spending as much as possible, and it makes me nervous to buy food so often, even though I'm actually spending less with the greens-heavy, protein-heavy diet. I just need to shop more often because I can only buy so much at once or it goes bad. I seem to spend very little most visits, though.

 

Anyway...I should get to bed. SO glad to have this time to rest. I'm liking my classes so far, but wow, they keep me busy.

 

Have a good night, everyone.

 

Try to trust your rational, logical view of your situation Sky.  Conversely, try not to listen to that emotional interloper who always says the same thing to you (to all of us). She's a boor and utterly unimaginative - the same put downs over and over.  I know my guy is!! LOL.  I think from your post that you are on the right track, the healing, self-affirming road!!!.  

 

As far as the food goes, unfortunately, I can't help you there.  I too need to eat better, look after myself better, but I just can't seem to do it.  I think you can though, because you seem to know the value of it in your heart.  Take some time and prepare the meals as you have said.  I know you can do it.

Edited by salparadise6132

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My disability adjuster finally called me back and said they don't need any more documentation from my doctor, although I can't imagine why they don't since the form my doctor filled out for me said I would return to work Jan. 15th and now she has changed the date to April 1st.  But I did e-mail them the revised form my doctor filled out for my employer, just in case.

 

Looks like I can finally relax for a while.  Now to get a start on all the inner work I need to get done.

 

That is great, Lauren!!!!  I am pulling for you!!!!

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ugh, I'm so aggravated. it's Friday and I should be happy that the week is over, but I'm just po'ed, and worked up over work today. I have to let it go somehow...

 

River, my dear, I am sending, via meditative prayer to my unidentified God/energy force/whatever, a package full of best wishes for you.  They all saying the same thing..."let it go."

 

Let me know if you receive them, LOL.  

Edited by salparadise6132

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My disability adjuster finally called me back and said they don't need any more documentation from my doctor, although I can't imagine why they don't since the form my doctor filled out for me said I would return to work Jan. 15th and now she has changed the date to April 1st.  But I did e-mail them the revised form my doctor filled out for my employer, just in case.

 

Looks like I can finally relax for a while.  Now to get a start on all the inner work I need to get done.

 

That is great, Lauren!!!!  I am pulling for you!!!!

 

Congrats Lauryn! I'm glad this finally has been taken care of! Hope you were able to sleep with greater peace of mind.

 

 

 

ugh, I'm so aggravated. it's Friday and I should be happy that the week is over, but I'm just po'ed, and worked up over work today. I have to let it go somehow...

 

River, my dear, I am sending, via meditative prayer to my unidentified God/energy force/whatever, a package full of best wishes for you.  They all saying the same thing..."let it go."

 

Let me know if you receive them, LOL.  

 

Brian, I got them!!! =) Hehehe. Thank you so very much. I needed that. I was so stressed out beyond belief last night. I do feel a bit better, so your meditative prayer must have worked! =)

Edited by RiverLight

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(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

 

Living unwillingly is the worst without reason,purpose or encroachment as we are trying to keep our head above water when it's up to our nose.

 

I feel like falling into a well or a deep dark hole and having no ladder to climb to help you get out of it. You get trapped in the darkness feeling cold and numb.

 

 

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I'm having a good morning. I had a good breakfast, and later I'm going to the market to get some more fruits and veggies. Two of my roommates are gone for the weekend, and one is gone until later this afternoon, so I've got the house to myself again. Which is nice. The peace, quiet, and much slowed pace is nice. :)

 

I'm going to read more of that book I was enjoying yesterday, and knock some of my assignments out of the way. I'm organizing them by class, so if I know I don't have to worry anymore about a particular class, I'll feel much better and clearer about where I stand.

 

Hope everyone's having a good long weekend. Prayers for all.

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I feel like a worthless burden whose only effect is to drag others down. Two days ago, I had a panic attack. It was the first attack I've had in 7 months, and since then my thoughts have been telling me that I am a weak and stupid person. So last night I self harmed, and now there is a large hematoma on my forearm. To make the day even better, my father insulted me and basically showed that while he is outwardly accepting of my challenges, whenever they actually manifest he doesn't give a damn. It's all my fault, so maybe that's why I'm feeling this way. 

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I feel like a worthless burden whose only effect is to drag others down. Two days ago, I had a panic attack. It was the first attack I've had in 7 months, and since then my thoughts have been telling me that I am a weak and stupid person. So last night I self harmed, and now there is a large hematoma on my forearm. To make the day even better, my father insulted me and basically showed that while he is outwardly accepting of my challenges, whenever they actually manifest he doesn't give a damn. It's all my fault, so maybe that's why I'm feeling this way.

Hello Litany, You aren't bad because you have panic attacks, I have them very often, they are terrible to experience. Most "normal" people would not be able to stand having one. By "normal" I mean people that haven't had to experience the pain of anxiety disorders or depression and other mood disorders. I hope you have some positive people that you can talk to that build you up and encourage you. And a good therapist, too. But you are not weak or bad. If anything, you are stronger than most. And I hurt myself recently, too, I had not done that for several years - things just got too much. But things are a little better now. I hope you can get some medical help for your hematoma also. All my best wishes for you; hugs (((((((Litany)))))) Edited by mulberrypie

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I feel like a worthless burden whose only effect is to drag others down. Two days ago, I had a panic attack. It was the first attack I've had in 7 months, and since then my thoughts have been telling me that I am a weak and stupid person. So last night I self harmed, and now there is a large hematoma on my forearm. To make the day even better, my father insulted me and basically showed that while he is outwardly accepting of my challenges, whenever they actually manifest he doesn't give a damn. It's all my fault, so maybe that's why I'm feeling this way.

Hello Litany, You aren't bad because you have panic attacks, I have them very often, they are terrible to experience. Most "normal" people would not be able to stand having one. By "normal" I mean people that haven't had to experience the pain of anxiety disorders or clinical depression, I hope you have some positive people that you can talk to that build you up and encourage you. And a good therapist, too. But you are not weak or bad. If anything, you are stronger than most. And I hurt myself recently, too, I had not done that for several years - things just got too much. But things are a little better now. I hope you can get some medical help for your hematoma also. All my best wishes for you; hugs (((((((Litany))))))

 

Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to read. And I'm glad you are doing a little better. 

 

Devin

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Just checking in. My FIL is in the hospital and being treated for some kind of infection. My husband and I visited with him today. He was mostly coherent, but seemed confused--as if he was still in the nursing home and they moved his room around. We brought him some clothes.

 

It made me feel bad for him--he's so weak, he can't help himself get more comfortable.

 

So it's been a low energy, not the high-point of my week sort of day.

 

Then this evening my husband and I went to see a good movie, "Brooklyn." I recommend it.

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Lonely.  A lady friend I am hoping might become more cancelled on me for tonight.  I am going to a pan luck full of couples.  Yippee.  Just want to stay here and sink.

 

I hope it's not that bad, Brian. It stinks that your lady friend cancelled on you. It sounds like a last minute thing on her part, so maybe she had a good reason?

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