Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

Recommended Posts

Sounds like those posting are having a reasonably good day.  Mine was not so hot when I woke up, but seeing the stock market up for a change lifted my spirits.  

 

Had a great session with my therapist.  We seem to have a good understanding and connection.  I really likes his challenging me on things I might say describing an event, family issue, friend whatever.  He is not afraid to break in and make me look at an issue differently. 

 

He is pulling out a lot of feelings I have buried down deep inside.  I am convinced I am my own worse enemy,and look at worst case scenarios before positive.ones.  He is helping me see that is not necessarily the case.  Of course depression can cause this naturally.

 

Won't get into more but we covered so much in one hour.  I have been in therapy for a fairly long while.  I have found each have their own style.  I've had some good, some not so good.  But I am eternally thankful for being referred to my current one.  I think good things should come out of this and that makes me happy, for once in a long while.

High anxiety, that is so wonderful that you have such a great therapist! That can make all the difference in the world; having a good therapist vs. a bad one. I've had bad ones, which were simply just a waste of money and time. I'm happy for you! =)

 

 

Sounds to me like you and your therapist are on the right track. I've come to see in my own life and experience that perspective and positivity make a huge difference, not only in how well we function and feel, but even in our overall health. I've had that epiphany of finding this "super-critic" who sees everything in the worst possible way in my own head, too, limiting me in so many ways and making so much feel impossible and out of my reach. But it just wasn't true, and I'm slowly learning to come out of the prison that this voice built inside me - only to find that there really was no prison there in the first place.

 

Best of luck on your new path!

Skylark, I agree with you completely. I find that being more positive only helps and makes me feel better inside, as opposed to viewing things through a negative lens which does not help in terms of my overall mental health and sheer daily existence. My whole life completely shattered around me two years ago, but I try not to feed into negative thinking about it and I don't want to let it ruin me. I, too, am my own worst enemy and critic, but I am a perfectionist, which I know doesn't help me at all. I know that sometimes, I need to just say, this is good enough. What a great epiphany you had! Thanks for sharing! =)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like you and your therapist are on the right track. I've come to see in my own life and experience that perspective and positivity make a huge difference, not only in how well we function and feel, but even in our overall health. I've had that epiphany of finding this "super-critic" who sees everything in the worst possible way in my own head, too, limiting me in so many ways and making so much feel impossible and out of my reach. But it just wasn't true, and I'm slowly learning to come out of the prison that this voice built inside me - only to find that there really was no prison there in the first place.

 

Best of luck on your new path!

 

 

So well said Sky.  I am on a similar path right now.  I am recognizing when my super-critic speaks, and I am shutting down the conversation rather than getting into an argument with him.  Since I can obsess with the best of them, the argument would take me down into the pit.  Lately, I've just been telling him to shut up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Ridicule my own, So precious alone, These faces of everyone remind me of home, Your part in riddled sin, All my needs giving in, Blow me a kiss and leave me to the dogs." - American Head Charge

 

It's raining outside, as I smoke my cigarette.  Droplets landing on my head.  Thinking about how incredible that this water has everywhere on this giant rock to land, and it has chosen me.  My ex wife recently told me I could be interesting.  Always nice to get a half compliment.  The past two months I've really given a lot of thought to what my next move is going to be.  I could be brutal and vengeful, I could love myself, I could sacrifice my pleasure for others, I could go in about five different directions.  I endlessly sway between them all, it's pretty aggravating.  Overall I'm just tired.  After the war, the dope, and all the lovers I've lost, I am just really tired of being here with the human race.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanking my lucky stars, no headache today and I feel pretty healthy. I got 8 hours of frequently interrupted sleep. But it was 8 hours! So rare on a weekday, I almost feel as if I have a holiday today.

I've got my soft, gray lounging clothes on, but I feel like I have to wash up and get dressed for real.

Maybe another cup of coffee will help me with motivation. I have to get my drugs re-upped. And that's online or by phone, but I also need to visit a drugstore to get more bandaids and other stuff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Feeling low. Try to listen to music, watch movies...neither helps. Been few days now for no apparent reason.

The mind starts thinking "am I going to die". If not...then why.....

I don't have an answer for "why."

Maybe something else would work...coffee?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am feeling guilty and responsible for the lack of communication between my youngest son and me. He is upset with me but refuses to talk about why. I know though. I don't feel like I can explain it to him without sounding like I'm making excuses. You see my youngest son lives in a very busy city and I have a driving phobia. I've had it forever. I didn't drive until I was in my twenties and still, even with gps, don't like to drive when I'm not sure where I'm going, the weather is bad, it's dark out, which has more to do with my eyesight than anything else, and the list goes on and on. I know this is an area of my life that limits my full freedom. So, my youngest son doesn't get visited in his home by me. The few times he's come to town to visit for family engagements has been hurried. I haven't spent any time with him alone in a long time. The other thing is that the past few years were spent focusing on a toxic relationship and then dealing with the fallout of that. I just feel like such a failure when I look back over the years and acknowledge how my kids had to deal with my depressive states and my chaotic life. When I became a grandmother I was determined to show up for them no matter my state. I put a lot of effort into fostering those relationships having learned that there isn't an opportunity to catch up with little ones. You bond with them when they're small or run the risk that the bond won't happen. So, I focused on them and again left him out. I also had a lot of work to do with my daughter who was co-parented by her father and I. The boys lived with me. When she moved back here last summer with her husband and baby I spent a lot of time trying to welcome them and bond with her baby. She and I are very close now. Again, my son was put to the side. My mother complains often that I don't spend enough time with her either. I don't want to go around sounding like a sad song but I sometimes want someone to acknowledge that restarting a career where my only option was to work night-shift for a little over a year, ending an engagement, welcoming two babies into the world, living in my friends basement sleeping on an air mattress, and being scared, broke, depressed, with some health concerns and deaths in my family has been a rough ride for me. I'm doing much better in most areas now but the guilt over being in the pits and letting things slide has me feeling just inadequate. I want to be happy for the progress I've made, but I also missed some spots. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess bottom line is I feel as if I need to explain to the outside world how difficult it's been for me to just keep sucking air and get to work so I would have a chance at reestablishing a life. I guess I also resent that people don't understand how hard it's been for me. Seems like most have been focused on the ways I've let them down. I know I have. I sometimes wish I had an illness where people understand and bring you casseroles instead of one, two if you count the addiction past, where people are just mad at you for your behaviors they don't understand.

 

Renee2, this really hit home for me...people focusing on the way I've let them down...and so often I've wished I had that kind of illness, too: people bringing casseroles--although with my luck, they'd probably bring me some nasty hybrid of lima bean-tofu casserole with too-crunchy uncooked vegetables in cream-of-mushroom-soup sauce.

 

I think we all start life with possibilities that get squished when our parents or other significant adults start disapproving. Why in the world I need to seek approval or validation at my current age is upsetting to me. I want to be over all that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I am feeling guilty and responsible for the lack of communication between my youngest son and me. He is upset with me but refuses to talk about why. I know though. I don't feel like I can explain it to him without sounding like I'm making excuses. You see my youngest son lives in a very busy city and I have a driving phobia. I've had it forever. I didn't drive until I was in my twenties and still, even with gps, don't like to drive when I'm not sure where I'm going, the weather is bad, it's dark out, which has more to do with my eyesight than anything else, and the list goes on and on. I know this is an area of my life that limits my full freedom. So, my youngest son doesn't get visited in his home by me. The few times he's come to town to visit for family engagements has been hurried. I haven't spent any time with him alone in a long time. The other thing is that the past few years were spent focusing on a toxic relationship and then dealing with the fallout of that. I just feel like such a failure when I look back over the years and acknowledge how my kids had to deal with my depressive states and my chaotic life. When I became a grandmother I was determined to show up for them no matter my state. I put a lot of effort into fostering those relationships having learned that there isn't an opportunity to catch up with little ones. You bond with them when they're small or run the risk that the bond won't happen. So, I focused on them and again left him out. I also had a lot of work to do with my daughter who was co-parented by her father and I. The boys lived with me. When she moved back here last summer with her husband and baby I spent a lot of time trying to welcome them and bond with her baby. She and I are very close now. Again, my son was put to the side. My mother complains often that I don't spend enough time with her either. I don't want to go around sounding like a sad song but I sometimes want someone to acknowledge that restarting a career where my only option was to work night-shift for a little over a year, ending an engagement, welcoming two babies into the world, living in my friends basement sleeping on an air mattress, and being scared, broke, depressed, with some health concerns and deaths in my family has been a rough ride for me. I'm doing much better in most areas now but the guilt over being in the pits and letting things slide has me feeling just inadequate. I want to be happy for the progress I've made, but I also missed some spots. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess bottom line is I feel as if I need to explain to the outside world how difficult it's been for me to just keep sucking air and get to work so I would have a chance at reestablishing a life. I guess I also resent that people don't understand how hard it's been for me. Seems like most have been focused on the ways I've let them down. I know I have. I sometimes wish I had an illness where people understand and bring you casseroles instead of one, two if you count the addiction past, where people are just mad at you for your behaviors they don't understand.

 

Renee2, this really hit home for me...people focusing on the way I've let them down...and so often I've wished I had that kind of illness, too: people bringing casseroles--although with my luck, they'd probably bring me some nasty hybrid of lima bean-tofu casserole with too-crunchy uncooked vegetables in cream-of-mushroom-soup sauce.

 

I think we all start life with possibilities that get squished when our parents or other significant adults start disapproving. Why in the world I need to seek approval or validation at my current age is upsetting to me. I want to be over all that.

 

 

Renee2 - Your post really speaks to me, and tells me a lot about you.  You do care about all the people in your life, son included, as shown by your recognizing how he is feeling.  I think that the first person who needs to REALLY except the impact of all you have gone through, is you, and I sense you're on your way to doing that, but perhaps not quite there (just a guess ??).  I know it would be nice to have others recognize both your suffering and what it has meant, and also your triumph in keeping on, but we can't control what others think.  I think the key is for us to know it.  

 

I am one to talk - I still look for that external verification.  But, I am getting better at believing the reality - that is, that I have triumphed, in so many ways pushing through given all the pain and resistance. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm afraid this unshakable apathy and self-hatred will keep me where I am until I die, alone and unfulfilled. Meds and therapy have put a palatable sheen on my miserable existence, but the fundamental fact that I may never recover from how badly I've ****ed up my life remains.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm afraid this unshakable apathy and self-hatred will keep me where I am until I die, alone and unfulfilled. Meds and therapy have put a palatable sheen on my miserable existence, but the fundamental fact that I may never recover from how badly I've ****ed up my life remains.

You may never.. ...but you will recover. 'Cause there aren't many lost causes like me. Logical, i hope:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm feeling meh at the moment. This job search stuff has me really bummed out today. I am going to try to be gentle with myself and not beat myself up about it but instead try to take care of myself. I also want to try to make myself a "to do" list for the weekend, instead of staring at  the walls all weekend.

 

It's been a long week. My poor mom has had some health issues that have me worried. Yesterday was my baby boy's birthday and I feel like a failure as a parent.

 

Hugs to all that need them. (((Hugs)))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

small rant. My boyfriend has a job writing (temporary job, and pay depends on him) on his laptop. I wont go into speciefics, but he has to write kind of a lot. now, its almost everyday for more that 5 hours at a time. I am very depressed right now and I don't have any friends in the town I live in. Or any friends for that reason. I am ok with him writing and everything, but he doesn't talk to me for hours. and it really has an effect on me. sometimes it can start big fights. its hard for me to understand this is more than a want for him. But honestly, I don't think it really is. I am boring and annoying, and I swear that's what he thinks. he says no, but I cant ever believe people anymore. ive been sitting for 3 hours with nothing to do and hes still just as happy as can be. then theres me, getting worse every single minute. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. whenever I try to talk to him about it, he laughs, it starts fights or he doesn't understand. im loosing my mind

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Sounds like those posting are having a reasonably good day.  Mine was not so hot when I woke up, but seeing the stock market up for a change lifted my spirits.  

 

Had a great session with my therapist.  We seem to have a good understanding and connection.  I really likes his challenging me on things I might say describing an event, family issue, friend whatever.  He is not afraid to break in and make me look at an issue differently. 

 

He is pulling out a lot of feelings I have buried down deep inside.  I am convinced I am my own worse enemy,and look at worst case scenarios before positive.ones.  He is helping me see that is not necessarily the case.  Of course depression can cause this naturally.

 

Won't get into more but we covered so much in one hour.  I have been in therapy for a fairly long while.  I have found each have their own style.  I've had some good, some not so good.  But I am eternally thankful for being referred to my current one.  I think good things should come out of this and that makes me happy, for once in a long while.

High anxiety, that is so wonderful that you have such a great therapist! That can make all the difference in the world; having a good therapist vs. a bad one. I've had bad ones, which were simply just a waste of money and time. I'm happy for you! =)

 

 

Sounds to me like you and your therapist are on the right track. I've come to see in my own life and experience that perspective and positivity make a huge difference, not only in how well we function and feel, but even in our overall health. I've had that epiphany of finding this "super-critic" who sees everything in the worst possible way in my own head, too, limiting me in so many ways and making so much feel impossible and out of my reach. But it just wasn't true, and I'm slowly learning to come out of the prison that this voice built inside me - only to find that there really was no prison there in the first place.

 

Best of luck on your new path!

Skylark, I agree with you completely. I find that being more positive only helps and makes me feel better inside, as opposed to viewing things through a negative lens which does not help in terms of my overall mental health and sheer daily existence. My whole life completely shattered around me two years ago, but I try not to feed into negative thinking about it and I don't want to let it ruin me. I, too, am my own worst enemy and critic, but I am a perfectionist, which I know doesn't help me at all. I know that sometimes, I need to just say, this is good enough. What a great epiphany you had! Thanks for sharing! =)

 

Thanks, RiverLight! Yes, I've been prone to the neurosis of perfectionism, too, and I'm trying to kick it as I progress now. I've been struggling a bit this morning with something like that, getting down on myself for worrying and not handling something perfectly or not being "strong enough"...something like that. The demands and fears of the super-critic are nebulous and incomprehensible sometimes.

 

But it's actually been a great morning, and the ironic thing is that I actually have been exceptionally strong, and I'm proud of that. :) So, yeah, telling this internalized hobgoblin to shut the hell up seems like the best course of action sometimes. :)

 

I'm very busy (though VERY happy to have a 4-day break!!!), and I've got a lot to do today...some of it quite enjoyable, and the sun is breaking out of the cloudcover again. So...I'd better get to it!

 

Best wishes and prayers, everyone! As long as we're moving in the right direction, I believe we've got reason to hope. And if we're not, we can always stop and turn around, no matter how fast or slowly we're able to move at the time!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dolphin, You cured my desire for casseroles. Ha.

Brian, Yes, I have a way to go. There's this budding awareness that I fear people won't know how remorseful I am for former actions, or lack of action, if I just go on my skippy way now. I also seem to think I must be able to guarantee them that it won't happen again, which is something I can't do anymore. I don't believe I know or can predict when an episode may creep back up. I'm doing some of what I can to prevent it, but I'm pretty sure the last thing my family wants to hear me say is I've got myself together now. They've heard that one many times. I believed it when I said it but I really had no idea how depression and anxiety had taken over my life so many times.

My five-year-old grandson spent the night with me. His imagination is just amazing. We revived a plastic lizard and I have an assortment of play-dough snakes. Sometimes the business of the children and their play keeps me out of a funk. I mean who can be sad when there is a suffering lizard?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I went to a funeral on Thursday. i was feeling anxious but I did okay.  While at the funeral my disability insurance called and left a message.  She will call again on Friday.  I am  afraid she will tell me my disability is over.  Oh well whatever.

Hang in there Duck. If it's over, I hope there's a place to appeal. Maybe with more supporting documents from the docs.

 

Camellia, thank you for your support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Duck mentioned meetup.com, which is an interesting site.  I joined a few groups there related mostly to esoteric subjects, including Vienna Life Transforming & Empowerment Meetup.

 

Yesterday I went to an event for this group.  It was big for me, because I've been so isolated and unsocial for so long, but I forced myself to go, and I'm glad I did.

 

The event was run by a clairvoyant healer, who led us through a healing visualization session.  (I am looking for alternatives to psych meds, which I hate.)  I felt really good afterward, which is nice, since feeling good is a rare treat for me lately.

 

Of course I woke up this morning feeling lousy again, but I think I will continue to look for "meetups" that interest me and will force myself to go.  I recommend that others here look into groups and events on the site.  Be warned that some meetups are free, but others charge money.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Feeling low. Try to listen to music, watch movies...neither helps. Been few days now for no apparent reason.

The mind starts thinking "am I going to die". If not...then why.....

I don't have an answer for "why."

Maybe something else would work...coffee?

 

Thank you Dolphin. I will try coffee.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

small rant. My boyfriend has a job writing (temporary job, and pay depends on him) on his laptop. I wont go into speciefics, but he has to write kind of a lot. now, its almost everyday for more that 5 hours at a time. I am very depressed right now and I don't have any friends in the town I live in. Or any friends for that reason. I am ok with him writing and everything, but he doesn't talk to me for hours. and it really has an effect on me. sometimes it can start big fights. its hard for me to understand this is more than a want for him. But honestly, I don't think it really is. I am boring and annoying, and I swear that's what he thinks. he says no, but I cant ever believe people anymore. ive been sitting for 3 hours with nothing to do and hes still just as happy as can be. then theres me, getting worse every single minute. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. whenever I try to talk to him about it, he laughs, it starts fights or he doesn't understand. im loosing my mind

My husband can work anywhere. I have to be in my own space, or if I'm in a shared space, I have to have my headphones on, shutting out all other noise. But I can relate, Babycakes12--because that's what my husband does too--he writes for a living and for the past 5 years, writing from home. He used to have an office he would go to, but now he's made a space just off the dining room--it seriously gets in my way if I try to do anything that isn't "work-related."

In a typical work environment, you'd take a coffee break, or have lunch with your colleagues. Or run errands. Now that he works from home, he eats his lunch and gets right back to work. It's annoying.

We have coffee in the afternoon, but it's a real break for me, because 90% of the time, I'm the one who makes it!!! AUGGGGHHH! And if I try making conversation, he gets this look, like don't you dare...I'm working!!!

My solution is to always try to have something I'm doing for myself. It helps. I honestly think he doesn't care what I do as long as I don't bother him. LOL

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fighting some mild depression. I'm not sure if it's coming from the food I had tonight - there was a tiny bit of added sugar in the Chinese food, and it's had this effect before - or the super-critic trying to make me feel disappointed and guilty and unworthy because of a supposed (not real) blunder earlier today. That whole thing is complete BS, which is clearer the more I think about it.

 

I'm going to take greater care with my diet, though. Things have been going great, but the hectic schedule of the new semester has really got me pressed for time, and I've been eating some processed food and junk food lately. It makes me more open to other forbidden foods, too, which I've mostly avoided so far, and which are far worse for me. So I'm going to have to find a way to stick to my tried and true diet throughout the semester. I'll try preparing things beforehand, so I can just grab them when it's time to go.

 

This was a productive post. :) I feel a bit better.

 

I also need to find a food bank and schedule. I really need to cut back on spending as much as possible, and it makes me nervous to buy food so often, even though I'm actually spending less with the greens-heavy, protein-heavy diet. I just need to shop more often because I can only buy so much at once or it goes bad. I seem to spend very little most visits, though.

 

Anyway...I should get to bed. SO glad to have this time to rest. I'm liking my classes so far, but wow, they keep me busy.

 

Have a good night, everyone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fighting some mild depression. I'm not sure if it's coming from the food I had tonight - there was a tiny bit of added sugar in the Chinese food, and it's had this effect before - or the super-critic trying to make me feel disappointed and guilty and unworthy because of a supposed (not real) blunder earlier today. That whole thing is complete BS, which is clearer the more I think about it.

 

I'm going to take greater care with my diet, though. Things have been going great, but the hectic schedule of the new semester has really got me pressed for time, and I've been eating some processed food and junk food lately. It makes me more open to other forbidden foods, too, which I've mostly avoided so far, and which are far worse for me. So I'm going to have to find a way to stick to my tried and true diet throughout the semester. I'll try preparing things beforehand, so I can just grab them when it's time to go.

 

This was a productive post. :) I feel a bit better.

 

I also need to find a food bank and schedule. I really need to cut back on spending as much as possible, and it makes me nervous to buy food so often, even though I'm actually spending less with the greens-heavy, protein-heavy diet. I just need to shop more often because I can only buy so much at once or it goes bad. I seem to spend very little most visits, though.

 

Anyway...I should get to bed. SO glad to have this time to rest. I'm liking my classes so far, but wow, they keep me busy.

 

Have a good night, everyone.

 

Try to trust your rational, logical view of your situation Sky.  Conversely, try not to listen to that emotional interloper who always says the same thing to you (to all of us). She's a boor and utterly unimaginative - the same put downs over and over.  I know my guy is!! LOL.  I think from your post that you are on the right track, the healing, self-affirming road!!!.  

 

As far as the food goes, unfortunately, I can't help you there.  I too need to eat better, look after myself better, but I just can't seem to do it.  I think you can though, because you seem to know the value of it in your heart.  Take some time and prepare the meals as you have said.  I know you can do it.

Edited by salparadise6132

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My disability adjuster finally called me back and said they don't need any more documentation from my doctor, although I can't imagine why they don't since the form my doctor filled out for me said I would return to work Jan. 15th and now she has changed the date to April 1st.  But I did e-mail them the revised form my doctor filled out for my employer, just in case.

 

Looks like I can finally relax for a while.  Now to get a start on all the inner work I need to get done.

 

That is great, Lauren!!!!  I am pulling for you!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ugh, I'm so aggravated. it's Friday and I should be happy that the week is over, but I'm just po'ed, and worked up over work today. I have to let it go somehow...

 

River, my dear, I am sending, via meditative prayer to my unidentified God/energy force/whatever, a package full of best wishes for you.  They all saying the same thing..."let it go."

 

Let me know if you receive them, LOL.  

Edited by salparadise6132

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

My disability adjuster finally called me back and said they don't need any more documentation from my doctor, although I can't imagine why they don't since the form my doctor filled out for me said I would return to work Jan. 15th and now she has changed the date to April 1st.  But I did e-mail them the revised form my doctor filled out for my employer, just in case.

 

Looks like I can finally relax for a while.  Now to get a start on all the inner work I need to get done.

 

That is great, Lauren!!!!  I am pulling for you!!!!

 

Congrats Lauryn! I'm glad this finally has been taken care of! Hope you were able to sleep with greater peace of mind.

 

 

 

ugh, I'm so aggravated. it's Friday and I should be happy that the week is over, but I'm just po'ed, and worked up over work today. I have to let it go somehow...

 

River, my dear, I am sending, via meditative prayer to my unidentified God/energy force/whatever, a package full of best wishes for you.  They all saying the same thing..."let it go."

 

Let me know if you receive them, LOL.  

 

Brian, I got them!!! =) Hehehe. Thank you so very much. I needed that. I was so stressed out beyond belief last night. I do feel a bit better, so your meditative prayer must have worked! =)

Edited by RiverLight

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...