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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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I'm miserable and hungry and crying but my family has guests over and I can't go in the kitchen without having to greet them, but I don't feel brave enough for that.

I hate love and I hate feelings I really hate that I can't choose not to feel this stupid s***ty pain. I'm so embarrassed that I'm such a fool. I just really wanna tear out my heart and stab it until it stops being so stupid feeling things it should never feel.

 

I guess I'm just gonna sleep

 

Hugs Alice.  

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I'm feeling very sleepy despite having had a coffee in the afternoon, and a nap before that.

Hmmmm.

I had an appointment with a dermatologist today. She looked at a potentially threatening mole, thought it might be harmless, but just in case, she scraped it off and it's on the way to the lab...or something like that. The office will call me either way and that makes me glad.

Today, some respite from the cold weather. 8ºC or 46ºF. And sunny. Nice.

Also some shoes I bought a couple of years ago finally feel like they fit me and I want to wear them. It's weird.

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angry and full of hate.

Sorry duck =(  

 

I'm miserable and hungry and crying but my family has guests over and I can't go in the kitchen without having to greet them, but I don't feel brave enough for that.

I hate love and I hate feelings I really hate that I can't choose not to feel this stupid s***ty pain. I'm so embarrassed that I'm such a fool. I just really wanna tear out my heart and stab it until it stops being so stupid feeling things it should never feel.

 

I guess I'm just gonna sleep

Alice, hugs to you.

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Been awhile since I checked in, doing ok for a change. Nothing horrible going on. Addictions in check for now (1,000+ days sober from alcohol) and sleeping well since doc suggested I try a simple melatonin before bed. I don't wake up and then deal with an out-of-control mind going everywhere, usually not somewhere good.

 

Off to check up on you all as well!

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I hate to be negative, but based on what has happened so far this new year, I'm not very optimistic.  Have had very low energy and kind of down.  So much going on in the world makes no sense to me.  I fear for what kind of leadership we will have when Obama leaves office.

 

Don't know what to do about the stock market crashing.  Losing my shirt like many.  Need to talk with my broker as things seem to be getting worse.  

 

Had a procedure yesterday which probably accounts for my not having energy today.  Get results of some tests next week I am anxious about.. Feeling overwhelmed.   When I see my primary doctor for my results and medication changes,  I'm going to tell him life is getting too hard to deal with.  Ghosts from the past showing up all the time, low self image, no sense of trust and a myriad of other things.

 

I see my therapist tomorrow which is good because he can help me what to ask my doctor.  Looking forward to that appointment.

 

Kind of a down day I guess.  But I always hope all other members are having a better day.  We just never know until we wake each morning what our mood will be.  I yearn for the days when I can wake up and go about my day happy and energetic.

Edited by highanxiety
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High anxiety, I'm with you on the leadership issue..

Things do not look rosy in the world today.

I try not worry about that over which I have no control, but that's one of the easiest things to worry about.

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you. For all of us.

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I'm lonely. I'm depressed. Not afraid to admit it or tell anybody but being single seems to have a large effect on me. Being in a small town is a large part of why I'm so lonely. When it comes to asking a girl out... I'm not afraid to but every time I've been shot down. Guess that's why I still have feelings for Natalie since she was the only girl to ever really give a crap about me even though she doesn't now. Effexor even at its maximum dose doesn't do anything for me except make the depression a bit easier to hide. I haven't played guitar or anything in quite some time now. Losing interest? Perhaps.

 

My phone is a perfect example to display just how lonely I am. I haven't even gotten a single call or text message since sometime before christmas.

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Severe stabbing stomach pain just dting down after 7 straight hours caused by the bowel prep used in the MRI I did. Wpuld have been nice to have been made aware of this ahead of time, but as usual dishonesty from my physician left me in the dark.

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How am I feeling? Hard to answer, in a way. I'm keeping my mood up, keeping all of my resolutions and promises. Right now, I'm doing well in my efforts not to fly off the handle over my roommates having several lights on and a girl over when I got home. There's really no reason to be upset about the girl; it just reminds me of other incidences (bad) when people were over. But they are, and have been, mostly quite quiet. And the lights - it was probably an accident. There's no sense in getting upset over it. The outside porch light was off, just as I asked, so I think they're making an effort.

 

It's just so hard for me to trust, to let my guard down, because of the past, as I've said. I hate that, but it's definitely worth the effort. I was talking to a prof (whom I know pretty well, for a while now) after class about not holding on to things, getting so upset about things that they make us sick, and miserable. I'm certainly doing a lot better, physically, energy-wise, and mood-wise, as my attitude and perspective change. I feel so much more relaxed, more open, and so much...lighter, and...well, happier.

 

I'm keeping up with my 7 classes! I've done my readings for tomorrow (last day of my week, as I don't have Friday classes...and Monday's a holiday, so I have a 4-day weekend my first week back! YAY!). I've done my homework. I've done everything I needed to do for today...including renew my car insurance policy. It's hard to part with the money, but I know I need to, and that the alternative would be harder.

 

I only have another month or so until I start hearing back from grad schools...and ~3 1/2 months until the semester ends. Then I get my BA! Only a few more months until I go off to grad school. I know it really will fly by. I just have to put in the effort - which works for my good on so many levels, in the short and long terms - and keep on top of things until then. :)

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angry and full of hate.

Sorry duck =(  

 

I'm miserable and hungry and crying but my family has guests over and I can't go in the kitchen without having to greet them, but I don't feel brave enough for that.

I hate love and I hate feelings I really hate that I can't choose not to feel this stupid s***ty pain. I'm so embarrassed that I'm such a fool. I just really wanna tear out my heart and stab it until it stops being so stupid feeling things it should never feel.

 

I guess I'm just gonna sleep

Alice, hugs to you.

 

Thanks Riverlight.

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I hate to be negative, but based on what has happened so far this new year, I'm not very optimistic.  Have had very low energy and kind of down.  So much going on in the world makes no sense to me.  I fear for what kind of leadership we will have when Obama leaves office.

 

Don't know what to do about the stock market crashing.  Losing my shirt like many.  Need to talk with my broker as things seem to be getting worse.  

 

Had a procedure yesterday which probably accounts for my not having energy today.  Get results of some tests next week I am anxious about.. Feeling overwhelmed.   When I see my primary doctor for my results and medication changes,  I'm going to tell him life is getting too hard to deal with.  Ghosts from the past showing up all the time, low self image, no sense of trust and a myriad of other things.

 

I see my therapist tomorrow which is good because he can help me what to ask my doctor.  Looking forward to that appointment.

 

Kind of a down day I guess.  But I always hope all other members are having a better day.  We just never know until we wake each morning what our mood will be.  I yearn for the days when I can wake up and go about my day happy and energetic.

highanxiety, hang in there with the stockmarket.  I have been buying more stocks. They are on sale.  

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angry and full of hate.

 

I can identify.  I'm sorry you feel this way Duck.

 

 

 

Duck, looking back see you had a real rough patch. Hope things are starting to look up!

Thanks for your support. I am feeling better tonight.

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I'm lonely. I'm depressed. Not afraid to admit it or tell anybody but being single seems to have a large effect on me. Being in a small town is a large part of why I'm so lonely. When it comes to asking a girl out... I'm not afraid to but every time I've been shot down. Guess that's why I still have feelings for Natalie since she was the only girl to ever really give a crap about me even though she doesn't now. Effexor even at its maximum dose doesn't do anything for me except make the depression a bit easier to hide. I haven't played guitar or anything in quite some time now. Losing interest? Perhaps.

 

My phone is a perfect example to display just how lonely I am. I haven't even gotten a single call or text message since sometime before christmas.

Hi roadking02,

 

Sorry to hear you miss Natalie. When was the last time you spoke to her or saw her?

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The back right side of my back hurts, hurts to breath.  I hope it's a terminal illness.  Here's three motivational quotes from Fight Club.

 

"I wanted to breath smoke.  I wanted to destroy something beautiful."

 

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."

 

"She's a predator posing as a house cat."

 

 

I feel like a shark that has had it's fins cut off.

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I am feeling guilty and responsible for the lack of communication between my youngest son and me. He is upset with me but refuses to talk about why. I know though. I don't feel like I can explain it to him without sounding like I'm making excuses. You see my youngest son lives in a very busy city and I have a driving phobia. I've had it forever. I didn't drive until I was in my twenties and still, even with gps, don't like to drive when I'm not sure where I'm going, the weather is bad, it's dark out, which has more to do with my eyesight than anything else, and the list goes on and on. I know this is an area of my life that limits my full freedom. So, my youngest son doesn't get visited in his home by me. The few times he's come to town to visit for family engagements has been hurried. I haven't spent any time with him alone in a long time. The other thing is that the past few years were spent focusing on a toxic relationship and then dealing with the fallout of that. I just feel like such a failure when I look back over the years and acknowledge how my kids had to deal with my depressive states and my chaotic life. When I became a grandmother I was determined to show up for them no matter my state. I put a lot of effort into fostering those relationships having learned that there isn't an opportunity to catch up with little ones. You bond with them when they're small or run the risk that the bond won't happen. So, I focused on them and again left him out. I also had a lot of work to do with my daughter who was co-parented by her father and I. The boys lived with me. When she moved back here last summer with her husband and baby I spent a lot of time trying to welcome them and bond with her baby. She and I are very close now. Again, my son was put to the side. My mother complains often that I don't spend enough time with her either. I don't want to go around sounding like a sad song but I sometimes want someone to acknowledge that restarting a career where my only option was to work night-shift for a little over a year, ending an engagement, welcoming two babies into the world, living in my friends basement sleeping on an air mattress, and being scared, broke, depressed, with some health concerns and deaths in my family has been a rough ride for me. I'm doing much better in most areas now but the guilt over being in the pits and letting things slide has me feeling just inadequate. I want to be happy for the progress I've made, but I also missed some spots. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess bottom line is I feel as if I need to explain to the outside world how difficult it's been for me to just keep sucking air and get to work so I would have a chance at reestablishing a life. I guess I also resent that people don't understand how hard it's been for me. Seems like most have been focused on the ways I've let them down. I know I have. I sometimes wish I had an illness where people understand and bring you casseroles instead of one, two if you count the addiction past, where people are just mad at you for your behaviors they don't understand.

Duck, I have been sending you healing thoughts and prayers. Can I ask what it is you do at your support groups? I'm just curious if they'd help me and how you got involved.

On a really lighter note, I had my performance evaluation at work and it was really good. I'll be getting a raise. I'm now working mostly days and this is probably why I'm able to think about areas of my life where I need to do some work like the relationship with my son. I am considering going to a therapist to address the driving phobia and my reluctance to place him as a priority.

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I'm lonely. I'm depressed. Not afraid to admit it or tell anybody but being single seems to have a large effect on me. Being in a small town is a large part of why I'm so lonely. When it comes to asking a girl out... I'm not afraid to but every time I've been shot down. Guess that's why I still have feelings for Natalie since she was the only girl to ever really give a crap about me even though she doesn't now. Effexor even at its maximum dose doesn't do anything for me except make the depression a bit easier to hide. I haven't played guitar or anything in quite some time now. Losing interest? Perhaps.

 

My phone is a perfect example to display just how lonely I am. I haven't even gotten a single call or text message since sometime before christmas.

Hi roadking02,

 

Sorry to hear you miss Natalie. When was the last time you spoke to her or saw her?

 

 

Duck - The last time I received any message from her was in October of last year but it was very minor. She invited me to her birthday party but I turned down the invite since she's seeing someone. The last time I saw her was over 2 years ago sometime in the summer of 2013.

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Feeling very excited and can't sit still. Recommendations for improvements that I made at work are now working. Yesterday was a high challenge day; today I feel some amount of success. Hooray! =) This makes me feel really good about my level of competence, unlike on some days where I feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

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I'm feeling better than yesterday, but still struggling with feelings of guilt and confusion about my recent divorce, and also sadness and anxiety about my future. I want to have a career and do something worthwhile, but right now I'm stuck in a work-from-home job with no possibility of advancement. I recently contacted an animal shelter about volunteer work, and I'm looking forward to meeting with them. I'm trying to be positive but feeling like my life is so far from what it ought to be. I'm lonely and wishing I had friends.

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