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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Sorry if I sound corny but just wanted to say thankyou to everyone on this forum. You truly are a great lot. I am quite lonely atm, but i still have a few very close friends and a good family. The point is, I have struggled socially for a while, hidden many things inside of me, and here has helped. Because of the people. I feel kinda guilty because i dont even bother to reply to my inboxes sometimes when people are kind enough to take the time out of there day to reach out, to someone they have never met.  I'm not gonna lie, I have been lurking here for about 6 years now, and used to post sometimes under different accounts at my worst. Going to make it my aim to stick around and post more regularly, at least until i feel healthy mentally again, that is my goal, and i would love to give something back. I'm not popular at all but used to have quite a lor of friends, *i was grateful for* and still am, from the memories ive got, and the wild parties we had together. My point is, even as a seemingly *normal* guy, i couldnt talk about my mental issues. Here well, at my most vulnerable, when i couldnt go 5mins without crying, or my mum was trying to force me to have a shower, people here, there words they helped. Even just people who dont know much on the issues, but are here for the same reason you are, hope.

 

I apologise, just wanted to say i love all of you. I'm slightly intoxicated too. :) Love you all

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Sorry if I sound corny but just wanted to say thankyou to everyone on this forum. You truly are a great lot. I am quite lonely atm, but i still have a few very close friends and a good family. The point is, I have struggled socially for a while, hidden many things inside of me, and here has helped. Because of the people. I feel kinda guilty because i dont even bother to reply to my inboxes sometimes when people are kind enough to take the time out of there day to reach out, to someone they have never met.  I'm not gonna lie, I have been lurking here for about 6 years now, and used to post sometimes under different accounts at my worst. Going to make it my aim to stick around and post more regularly, at least until i feel healthy mentally again, that is my goal, and i would love to give something back. I'm not popular at all but used to have quite a lor of friends, *i was grateful for* and still am, from the memories ive got, and the wild parties we had together. My point is, even as a seemingly *normal* guy, i couldnt talk about my mental issues. Here well, at my most vulnerable, when i couldnt go 5mins without crying, or my mum was trying to force me to have a shower, people here, there words they helped. Even just people who dont know much on the issues, but are here for the same reason you are, hope.

 

I apologise, just wanted to say i love all of you. I'm slightly intoxicated too. :) Love you all

 

Sums up very well how I feel about DF.

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Feeling weak and neglected

Not too long ago, I visited my dad that I had not seen in a few years. After half an hour of staying there, he hinted on me leaving. I can not think of a time he actually cared. Most memories involves me feeling degraded and hurt from being around him. But as an adult you feel as if things would change but they don’t. I don’t expect him to change but I mad at myself that I care just as much as I did when I was a young child. 

 

Hugs, Zoey.  I have been there and feel for you!  It might be easy and trite to say, but friendships and connections with others who love you for being you are the only defense - not quite an antidote for parental neglect,  but it helps.  You deserved, and deserve, better Zoey!

 

Brian

 

Thank You for your kind words. I needed that!  People sometimes say, "at the end of the day all you have is your family" but there is nothing wrong with making friends your family especially if they display true qualities of one. Your wisdom is truly appreciated Brian Thanks!  

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I feel okay right now, part of me feels a little bit better than okay but other parts of my brain feel like . Went to the knee specialist today and got another injection hopefully it helps otherwise, he's going to do a minimally invasive procedure to see what's going on. Still jobless and still busting out resumes, taking assessment tests and making follow up calls. I guess one good thing is, I'm not giving up.

 

Sending lots of hugs to you all. :hugs:

 

Duck - you be kind to yourself. I'm sorry things are so hard for you... hell for everyone.

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Didn't get much sleep last night even taking a sleeper.  Guess I was anxious to watch an NFL playoff game at 10 am.  The good news our team won, but just barely.  That has been the highlight of my day.  

 

I have such a busy week ahead, kind of hibernating to rest up.  My doctor has been taking a lot of tests.  Get the results next Tuesday.  Also, have noticed not remembering things or names.  Or just not able to come up with the words I mean to say.  I hope it is just a part of getting old, but my doctor has referred me to a Neurologist for tests just in case.  Of course I'm thinking the worse about it all.  I seem lately to look at worse case scenario involving everything really, which I guess is a part of my depression.  Still I'm a bit anxious about how the results come out.

 

I think it is hard enough being depressed and anxious.  But layering on fairly serious physical stuff makes it worse for me. Sounds all negative I know, that is why I haven't opened up to any friends about this.  They just don't get it and I don't want to come off negative all the time.   Or drive them further away.  I think I wrote in another post that some of my friends think I'm faking all this, and in a sense have been told so.  It's because I just don't have the energy or happiness I used to, and don't really want to do a whole lot but write, trying to get my novel finished.

 

Depression is so misunderstood.  I keep remembering when my mom was seriously depressed and feeling so unhappy and alone.  My dad and sister got frustrated with her, as did her friends.  I remember my sister telling me she was a hypochondriac and just wanted attention.  I knew that was not the case and tried to help her as much as I could.  But without the support of my father, sister and friends she was institutionalized.   Sometimes I fear I may end up in one and it scares me.  

 

Luckily my new therapist is great.  When I am at appointments I wish they would go on for another hour.  I feel safe with him and understood.   I feel the same about the forum.  Feel so much better around people who understand, and giving support to one another.  You guys are my safety net, and ease the anxiety and fear.  Thanks for that!

 

Otherwise not much else going on.  Hope everyone has a good week ahead!

Hey, I don't know if anyone else told you this/if you already know, but I thought it might reassure you ( a little): I've read that not remembering things can also be a part of what depression does to our brain, it's very frequent. I don't know of course but neither do you and you shouldn't worry about it before you get back the test results.

hugs :1cat:

 

Thanks Catbug, I'll ask my doctor or therapist about it this week.  Appreciate your concern.  Hugs back

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What a day. I know the attitude change was a godsend, because I'd never have gotten through it otherwise. Also, because I'm doing amazingly well health-wise despite everything...a smoker in one class (I dropped it, after remaining the whole period because I didn't want to "panic and run" and act from a place of fear as I'm wont to do, and which I've always regretted, since it plunges me into a fearful, distrustful, and hunted kind of frame of mind that it's hard to get out of...so now I dropped it calmly and being well informed that it's not right for me in many ways). And then a smoker sat right next to me on the shuttle home. Next time, I guess I'll have to take the shuttle that's a shorter ride away. It's a longer walk, though, and I just didn't think my body was ready for it. But I got off at a farther stop anyway, just get away from the smoker, so it can even out. Anyway, I'm taking the one that's only a 5-10 minute ride; at the least, even if I end up with a smoker on that one, I'll be stuck with them for a much shorter amount of time.

 

I swapped out one of literature classes for one in another discipline with a prof I know and who's pretty easy. So that should provide a little relief. Plus, the class only meets once a week, which gives me a big break in prepping/reading for other classes. I know I'm going to have to stay on top of the workload this semester and go to every class I can manage, or I'll just drown. I'm going to do the readings for two classes tonight.

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I can't believe how some people take advantage of their friends vulnerability.   I've been depressed for a few years, but at different levels. Sometimes completely functional, busy, and very social, to somewhat, to not at all.  II'm in the the not at all stage right now and have been for awhile.  

 

I suppose it may be confusing to some friends knowing me as an energetic, go to the gym almost every day, go out and party, volunteering for non profits kind of guy.  But with severe depression my first instinct is to withdraw and try to be in a safe environment like my home.  Plus with health issues some of which have become chronic my mobility isn't what it was, nor my positive attitude.  Attempting to write a novel has helped me find purpose again and keep my mind focused for awhile.

 

Two people I thought were my friends have used my being out of the loop to their advantage.  One has been spreading vicious rumors that I have gone mental and need to be in rehab.  I don't hear from the friends of mine he told anymore, so I guess they weren't my friends in the first place.  And another who was always kind of a user, moved back to Honolulu where I used to live.  There I knew many people, mainly through being on Boards, doing volunteer work, and hula.  Suddenly I was getting phone calls from friends there who were really bothered about him coming up to them dropping my name and him expecting them to be friends with him.  They could see through him, and are still solid friends of mine to this day.

 

I have had this happen with other people as well, even people I was in a relationships with.  Seems to be a common pattern, but a very cruel one.  Also, my sister and her family have made it clear to my attorney they never want to see me again, and are waiting for me to die so their grandchildren can get the money in my father's trust which is written to go to my sister.  We were in probate at that time, and my attorney spoke to my sister and her husband, not me, because they wanted it all.  She couldn't believe how cruel they were either.

 

So I have a trust issue.  Let's say I have a major trust issue.  And low self image problem being knocked down a few notches many times.  My therapist and I are working on how I can establish trust again.  But I honestly don't know if I ever fully will.  It is a horrible thing people using your depression, name, disability to propel them into your old social circles.

 

I just need to learn to get over it and go forward.  But easier said than done! 

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I feel okay right now, part of me feels a little bit better than okay but other parts of my brain feel like ######. Went to the knee specialist today and got another injection hopefully it helps otherwise, he's going to do a minimally invasive procedure to see what's going on. Still jobless and still busting out resumes, taking assessment tests and making follow up calls. I guess one good thing is, I'm not giving up.

 

Sending lots of hugs to you all. :hugs:

 

Duck - you be kind to yourself. I'm sorry things are so hard for you... hell for everyone.

 

I for one am thinking of you freck, with my fingers crossed on the job front.  You are staying determined and doing your bit - you should be proud of that!

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Good morning. :) I'm doing well, surprisingly, maybe impossibly well, thank God. School isn't as bad as I'd feared. I'm handling it very well, staying on top of everything, and I know the attitude change makes all the difference. (I also feel completely fine and unaffected by what happened yesterday, miraculously. I was woken up this morning, too, but it was just in the nick of time! And I'm going to need to get up around that time for the rest of the semester. :D How's that for propitious? Or Providential. :)

 

I've swapped out a couple of difficult, demanding classes for what look like much easier, more laid-back ones. I'm now down to only three lit classes, two of which don't look that hard. The third looks and sounds challenging, but I'm hoping I can manage, or else switch out of it to something else. I've got until the 17th for drop/add week.

 

:) All in all, doing well and staying on top of things. Intend to keep doing so. Best to everyone!

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Lonely, but...

 

determined to keep going in life. 

 

I am determined to attach my pride and self-respect to effort, not outcomes. My efforts at work, with friends, writing and self-improvement (spirituality). This may indeed be the life I will live until I die, but at least will have given it my shot - kept trying to enrich my existence and believe in myself.

 

Best and hugs to all of you!!!

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Really discouraged. :/ Just told my boss that I'm working very hard but get very little acknowledgement for my hard work. Hopefully I won't get into trouble, but she chastised me for not getting something done when my plate is overfull and I am working very hard to get things done. Now I'm nervous, but I felt it had to be said.

Edited by RiverLight

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Lonely, but...

 

determined to keep going in life. 

 

I am determined to attach my pride and self-respect to effort, not outcomes. My efforts at work, with friends, writing and self-improvement (spirituality). This may indeed be the life I will live until I die, but at least will have given it my shot - kept trying to enrich my existence and believe in myself.

 

Best and hugs to all of you!!!

I'm feeling hugged, Brian. Thanks!!

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When I let myself stop worrying, I actually get excited about my classes. Some of it is really interesting and exciting stuff, stuff I personally have a taste for. :)

 

I'm working on not having click-whir responses to things, like I'm in the past. Snubs usually have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the other person and where they are right now. Often it's just simple miscommunication anyway. I know I'm not really being targeted when my roommates seem inconsiderate, too. Some of it may indeed be selfishness and there may be something wrong with one person, but the other two are basically nice. Also, people are just thoughtless and unaware sometimes. It feels dangerous sometimes to think that way, like I might leave myself vulnerable to worse trouble, but this is not my childhood, and these are not the same people -- none are physically violent or blatantly verbally abusive, at all. I know I don't have the same kind of attack to fear.

 

It's automatic to blow things out of proportion sometimes, but even when selfishness or malice are present, the danger is simply not on the level that my body tells me with its panic and gut reflexes. My automatic responses are not "wrong;" it's natural and right for my body to try to protect and warn me. It's just that it was conditioned for one kind of (thankfully fairly unusual) environment, and social circle, and I am far, far away, in a completely different environment and among completely different social circles now. I avoid the old ones like the plague, and will do so consciously and scrupulously from now on.

 

I'm glad I took this moment to unwind, reflect, and become conscious of this. I feel such a peace and readiness - and I'm ready to live in and according to my present environment and social circles now. :)

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Watching the pillars of my life that I have known for many years slowly crumble and die around me. Not much of it left now. Had high hopes, but they were futile in the end. Soon security and people will be gone. Leaves me hopelessly sad and lonely. Very low.

Ready to die, but am relatively healthy, so I'll have to struggle on. Don't want to, though. Really disappointed in how life turned out. Its nobody's fault, but it's a losing game.

Edited by One More Red Nightmare

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I need strength to get through this day. Someone please send me strength.

 

My spirit was totally crushed yesterday when my boss yelled at me unnecessarily in front of my team, humiliating me. One task slipped through the cracks during Monday's chaos, it got done on Tuesday, but she freaked because it wasn't done Monday. She had thrown so much at me once that I simply forgot. She said, "why do I have to ask you to do this?" "I don't want to have to come in on this again." It's not as though I always forget things; I'm usually very organized. But seriously, did she need to chastise me like that in front of the whole team?

 

I'm going to keep my head down today, but man, I really don't need to be kicked around like this. Glad I told her that I don't feel my hard work is appreciated.

 

Yesterday I couldn't work the last two hours of the day because of this and just went onto chat here instead. :/ Same thing may happen today; hope she is nice to me today.

Edited by RiverLight

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