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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Didn't get much sleep last night even taking a sleeper.  Guess I was anxious to watch an NFL playoff game at 10 am.  The good news our team won, but just barely.  That has been the highlight of my day.  

 

I have such a busy week ahead, kind of hibernating to rest up.  My doctor has been taking a lot of tests.  Get the results next Tuesday.  Also, have noticed not remembering things or names.  Or just not able to come up with the words I mean to say.  I hope it is just a part of getting old, but my doctor has referred me to a Neurologist for tests just in case.  Of course I'm thinking the worse about it all.  I seem lately to look at worse case scenario involving everything really, which I guess is a part of my depression.  Still I'm a bit anxious about how the results come out.

 

I think it is hard enough being depressed and anxious.  But layering on fairly serious physical stuff makes it worse for me. Sounds all negative I know, that is why I haven't opened up to any friends about this.  They just don't get it and I don't want to come off negative all the time.   Or drive them further away.  I think I wrote in another post that some of my friends think I'm faking all this, and in a sense have been told so.  It's because I just don't have the energy or happiness I used to, and don't really want to do a whole lot but write, trying to get my novel finished.

 

Depression is so misunderstood.  I keep remembering when my mom was seriously depressed and feeling so unhappy and alone.  My dad and sister got frustrated with her, as did her friends.  I remember my sister telling me she was a hypochondriac and just wanted attention.  I knew that was not the case and tried to help her as much as I could.  But without the support of my father, sister and friends she was institutionalized.   Sometimes I fear I may end up in one and it scares me.  

 

Luckily my new therapist is great.  When I am at appointments I wish they would go on for another hour.  I feel safe with him and understood.   I feel the same about the forum.  Feel so much better around people who understand, and giving support to one another.  You guys are my safety net, and ease the anxiety and fear.  Thanks for that!

 

Otherwise not much else going on.  Hope everyone has a good week ahead!

Hey, I don't know if anyone else told you this/if you already know, but I thought it might reassure you ( a little): I've read that not remembering things can also be a part of what depression does to our brain, it's very frequent. I don't know of course but neither do you and you shouldn't worry about it before you get back the test results.

hugs :1cat:

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Despite my hope for a more secure financial future, I now know it isn't going to happen.

 

I am what I am, a guy who:

 

- lives in a basement apartment

 

- is unlikely to be long-term attractive to any woman

 

- will never be able give what he wants to his children

 

- spends most of his time and all of his energy writing a novel he naively, ridiculously, desperately hopes will earn him money (or at least name enough to make money).

 

 

There comes a time in life when you just have to admit that life has not worked out, which doesn't mean quitting it, but learning to accept it.

You are absolutely correct. We just have to accept it.

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My goodness. Chaos abounds at work today. I can't catch my breath, and am pulled in a thousand directions at once; too much going on. I can't even organize. This is crazy!

 

"Just another manic Monday... Oh oooh oh. Wish it was Sunday! ooh ooh oh."

 

- who sings that song? Amy Mann?

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RL, it was the Bangles.

 

Doing much better today despite being woken up twice last night. (Not sure if it was external the first time.) Total attitude change this morning. I know I'm still on the right road of progress, and so grateful and hopeful and determined! :)

 

Best to everyone! Prayers and hugs!

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I feel pained. My best friend is so ever-changing and it makes me feel quite alone. He's a few years younger than me and doesn't do well with serious conversations, as our relationship is mainly built on humor and fun activities. I just wish he would be able to sit down and express his feelings with me, or vice versa. When I try to talk to him he'll have his headphones in or will make fun of what I say. I feel so alone.

 

Hey grif - I know you're a young man, and I'm old LOL.  I have just recently, in the past two years, started compiling female friends for exactly this reason. I have trouble opening up to other males and, frankly, most of my male friends want to talk sports or about other, rather superficial things.  Now, I know there are dudes out there who can talk about stuff (heck you and I are two of 'em) but, in my experience, they are hard to find.  This is a generalization, but I have learned that guys are heavily conditioned to hide their insecurities - the result of which is that they are not open or honest with hearing the same from others.  I have found girl "friends" to be a godsend.  I have never felt as listened to and supported as I do now with them, and this site.  Just my reflections on it.  Good luck to you.  Also, I will just say that you are still very young - rest assured, you can find yourself grif!!!!  I know it!

 

Bri

 

I have always found female friends to be a better fit for me. Honestly, I've never had a male best friend, he's my first! We have great times together, but I do think that I should try to find a female friend to talk to. I also want a female friend who I don't have romantic feelings for, as most of my female friends end up being my girlfriend or "special friend" at some point or another. Glad to know there are other guys who find female friends to be the best match for them!

 

Most of my good friends are women also, just find women easier to open up to and communicate with.  :smile:

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Ahhh.... Brian, Survival, Skylark, the Bangles!!!! Yes, of course. Susanna Hoff, that's it. =)

 

They were awesome. Love that song.... Manic Monday.

 

And oh boy, my Monday is surely manic!!!! Holy crap.

 

I love the Bangles. I'm pretty sure Prince wrote that song.

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Feeling weak and neglected

Not too long ago, I visited my dad that I had not seen in a few years. After half an hour of staying there, he hinted on me leaving. I can not think of a time he actually cared. Most memories involves me feeling degraded and hurt from being around him. But as an adult you feel as if things would change but they don’t. I don’t expect him to change but I mad at myself that I care just as much as I did when I was a young child. 

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Feeling weak and neglected

Not too long ago, I visited my dad that I had not seen in a few years. After half an hour of staying there, he hinted on me leaving. I can not think of a time he actually cared. Most memories involves me feeling degraded and hurt from being around him. But as an adult you feel as if things would change but they don’t. I don’t expect him to change but I mad at myself that I care just as much as I did when I was a young child. 

 

Hugs, Zoey.  I have been there and feel for you!  It might be easy and trite to say, but friendships and connections with others who love you for being you are the only defense - not quite an antidote for parental neglect,  but it helps.  You deserved, and deserve, better Zoey!

 

Brian

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Sorry if I sound corny but just wanted to say thankyou to everyone on this forum. You truly are a great lot. I am quite lonely atm, but i still have a few very close friends and a good family. The point is, I have struggled socially for a while, hidden many things inside of me, and here has helped. Because of the people. I feel kinda guilty because i dont even bother to reply to my inboxes sometimes when people are kind enough to take the time out of there day to reach out, to someone they have never met.  I'm not gonna lie, I have been lurking here for about 6 years now, and used to post sometimes under different accounts at my worst. Going to make it my aim to stick around and post more regularly, at least until i feel healthy mentally again, that is my goal, and i would love to give something back. I'm not popular at all but used to have quite a lor of friends, *i was grateful for* and still am, from the memories ive got, and the wild parties we had together. My point is, even as a seemingly *normal* guy, i couldnt talk about my mental issues. Here well, at my most vulnerable, when i couldnt go 5mins without crying, or my mum was trying to force me to have a shower, people here, there words they helped. Even just people who dont know much on the issues, but are here for the same reason you are, hope.

 

I apologise, just wanted to say i love all of you. I'm slightly intoxicated too. :) Love you all

 

Sums up very well how I feel about DF.

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Feeling weak and neglected

Not too long ago, I visited my dad that I had not seen in a few years. After half an hour of staying there, he hinted on me leaving. I can not think of a time he actually cared. Most memories involves me feeling degraded and hurt from being around him. But as an adult you feel as if things would change but they don’t. I don’t expect him to change but I mad at myself that I care just as much as I did when I was a young child. 

 

Hugs, Zoey.  I have been there and feel for you!  It might be easy and trite to say, but friendships and connections with others who love you for being you are the only defense - not quite an antidote for parental neglect,  but it helps.  You deserved, and deserve, better Zoey!

 

Brian

 

Thank You for your kind words. I needed that!  People sometimes say, "at the end of the day all you have is your family" but there is nothing wrong with making friends your family especially if they display true qualities of one. Your wisdom is truly appreciated Brian Thanks!  

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I feel okay right now, part of me feels a little bit better than okay but other parts of my brain feel like . Went to the knee specialist today and got another injection hopefully it helps otherwise, he's going to do a minimally invasive procedure to see what's going on. Still jobless and still busting out resumes, taking assessment tests and making follow up calls. I guess one good thing is, I'm not giving up.

 

Sending lots of hugs to you all. :hugs:

 

Duck - you be kind to yourself. I'm sorry things are so hard for you... hell for everyone.

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Didn't get much sleep last night even taking a sleeper.  Guess I was anxious to watch an NFL playoff game at 10 am.  The good news our team won, but just barely.  That has been the highlight of my day.  

 

I have such a busy week ahead, kind of hibernating to rest up.  My doctor has been taking a lot of tests.  Get the results next Tuesday.  Also, have noticed not remembering things or names.  Or just not able to come up with the words I mean to say.  I hope it is just a part of getting old, but my doctor has referred me to a Neurologist for tests just in case.  Of course I'm thinking the worse about it all.  I seem lately to look at worse case scenario involving everything really, which I guess is a part of my depression.  Still I'm a bit anxious about how the results come out.

 

I think it is hard enough being depressed and anxious.  But layering on fairly serious physical stuff makes it worse for me. Sounds all negative I know, that is why I haven't opened up to any friends about this.  They just don't get it and I don't want to come off negative all the time.   Or drive them further away.  I think I wrote in another post that some of my friends think I'm faking all this, and in a sense have been told so.  It's because I just don't have the energy or happiness I used to, and don't really want to do a whole lot but write, trying to get my novel finished.

 

Depression is so misunderstood.  I keep remembering when my mom was seriously depressed and feeling so unhappy and alone.  My dad and sister got frustrated with her, as did her friends.  I remember my sister telling me she was a hypochondriac and just wanted attention.  I knew that was not the case and tried to help her as much as I could.  But without the support of my father, sister and friends she was institutionalized.   Sometimes I fear I may end up in one and it scares me.  

 

Luckily my new therapist is great.  When I am at appointments I wish they would go on for another hour.  I feel safe with him and understood.   I feel the same about the forum.  Feel so much better around people who understand, and giving support to one another.  You guys are my safety net, and ease the anxiety and fear.  Thanks for that!

 

Otherwise not much else going on.  Hope everyone has a good week ahead!

Hey, I don't know if anyone else told you this/if you already know, but I thought it might reassure you ( a little): I've read that not remembering things can also be a part of what depression does to our brain, it's very frequent. I don't know of course but neither do you and you shouldn't worry about it before you get back the test results.

hugs :1cat:

 

Thanks Catbug, I'll ask my doctor or therapist about it this week.  Appreciate your concern.  Hugs back

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What a day. I know the attitude change was a godsend, because I'd never have gotten through it otherwise. Also, because I'm doing amazingly well health-wise despite everything...a smoker in one class (I dropped it, after remaining the whole period because I didn't want to "panic and run" and act from a place of fear as I'm wont to do, and which I've always regretted, since it plunges me into a fearful, distrustful, and hunted kind of frame of mind that it's hard to get out of...so now I dropped it calmly and being well informed that it's not right for me in many ways). And then a smoker sat right next to me on the shuttle home. Next time, I guess I'll have to take the shuttle that's a shorter ride away. It's a longer walk, though, and I just didn't think my body was ready for it. But I got off at a farther stop anyway, just get away from the smoker, so it can even out. Anyway, I'm taking the one that's only a 5-10 minute ride; at the least, even if I end up with a smoker on that one, I'll be stuck with them for a much shorter amount of time.

 

I swapped out one of literature classes for one in another discipline with a prof I know and who's pretty easy. So that should provide a little relief. Plus, the class only meets once a week, which gives me a big break in prepping/reading for other classes. I know I'm going to have to stay on top of the workload this semester and go to every class I can manage, or I'll just drown. I'm going to do the readings for two classes tonight.

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I can't believe how some people take advantage of their friends vulnerability.   I've been depressed for a few years, but at different levels. Sometimes completely functional, busy, and very social, to somewhat, to not at all.  II'm in the the not at all stage right now and have been for awhile.  

 

I suppose it may be confusing to some friends knowing me as an energetic, go to the gym almost every day, go out and party, volunteering for non profits kind of guy.  But with severe depression my first instinct is to withdraw and try to be in a safe environment like my home.  Plus with health issues some of which have become chronic my mobility isn't what it was, nor my positive attitude.  Attempting to write a novel has helped me find purpose again and keep my mind focused for awhile.

 

Two people I thought were my friends have used my being out of the loop to their advantage.  One has been spreading vicious rumors that I have gone mental and need to be in rehab.  I don't hear from the friends of mine he told anymore, so I guess they weren't my friends in the first place.  And another who was always kind of a user, moved back to Honolulu where I used to live.  There I knew many people, mainly through being on Boards, doing volunteer work, and hula.  Suddenly I was getting phone calls from friends there who were really bothered about him coming up to them dropping my name and him expecting them to be friends with him.  They could see through him, and are still solid friends of mine to this day.

 

I have had this happen with other people as well, even people I was in a relationships with.  Seems to be a common pattern, but a very cruel one.  Also, my sister and her family have made it clear to my attorney they never want to see me again, and are waiting for me to die so their grandchildren can get the money in my father's trust which is written to go to my sister.  We were in probate at that time, and my attorney spoke to my sister and her husband, not me, because they wanted it all.  She couldn't believe how cruel they were either.

 

So I have a trust issue.  Let's say I have a major trust issue.  And low self image problem being knocked down a few notches many times.  My therapist and I are working on how I can establish trust again.  But I honestly don't know if I ever fully will.  It is a horrible thing people using your depression, name, disability to propel them into your old social circles.

 

I just need to learn to get over it and go forward.  But easier said than done! 

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I feel okay right now, part of me feels a little bit better than okay but other parts of my brain feel like ######. Went to the knee specialist today and got another injection hopefully it helps otherwise, he's going to do a minimally invasive procedure to see what's going on. Still jobless and still busting out resumes, taking assessment tests and making follow up calls. I guess one good thing is, I'm not giving up.

 

Sending lots of hugs to you all. :hugs:

 

Duck - you be kind to yourself. I'm sorry things are so hard for you... hell for everyone.

 

I for one am thinking of you freck, with my fingers crossed on the job front.  You are staying determined and doing your bit - you should be proud of that!

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