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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Not sure today.  Still a little down.  The failed attempts at relationships and having to go back to work being my primary bugaboos.

 

Plus, very nervous about going to my friend's tonight.  I think their son got in some kind of trouble.  They brought his stuff home from college.  Hopefully, he just flunked out.  But, he has a bit of a past and I fear it is much worse.  I don't think they would call us over if he'd simply failed.  I am hoping, for the sake of everyone, that he did not do something to a woman/girl at school.  For some strange reason, that is where my mind is going (sexual assault etc.).  Don't know why I am thinking that. He has dealt garden shrub before, so it could be that.  I would have a harder time supporting them if he did something to a girl.  But, I will, without condoning it, obviously.  They are good people and friends stick with friends. I just don't want to be in that position.

 

I need to fight this feeling of hopelessness.  I know it's not true.

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Like I'll never be truly happy again.

Like I am broken, irretrievably damaged goods.

Like complete and utter sh!t.

Just wish I were nonexistent...

:(

I'm sorry, brother.  I know what you mean.  I wonder if we really go into non-existence, though, when we're done here.  My nightmare is that we get reincarnated/recycled back into this hell over and over.

Edited by One More Red Nightmare
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I woke up at 11:40! Sleep was disrupted, though. My head doesn't feel quite right.

 

I did the most important thing on today's to-do, submitting my course overload petition to the university so I can take 22 credits in spring. NOT looking forward to classes starting next week..

 

I feel like part of my improvement is the cessation of stress/pressure/deadlines. I feel like I'm just starting to unfold and revive from being crushed under it all. I'm even questioning what I want to do. I can't see myself doing anything other than studying, and I do feel it would be a waste of my talents not to pursue further education, but I don't know if I really want that.

 

I'm also disappointed about someone. I thought he was one thing, but he turned out to be something else. Well, I suspected the truth all along, but I let myself get blinded because he was nice to me. I just can't believe some people. So many in our society, and the modern West in general, seem to have gone crazy - they can't even understand fundamental right and wrong anymore. "Niceness" is all-important. The victim just doesn't matter. I'm all for egalitarianism, but good and evil are not equal. I can't stomach people like this.

 

I keep thinking of travel, of other cultures. I'm very liberal on most things, but I also have strong convictions, and I sometimes feel I'd do better in a culture that still recognizes good and evil clearly (even if imperfectly, i.e., they're not as progressive all-around). No place can be perfect, but I don't like how I'm doing in this one. Does that mean it's time to try another? I don't know. I'm coming to a fork in the road, obviously, when I get my BA. Where to go? Grad school? Work? Abroad? I've always seen myself going abroad; I've experienced multiple cultures from an early age and consistently throughout life in one way or another. But when and how...I don't know.

 

I also keep thinking, though, that I'm burnt out. I've spent far too long with my head poking into a sewer. I'm so tired of the muck and evil that seems to be the main course in every ******* humanities course I've taken! Even in the social sciences, they keep sneaking that **** in. I've had it. That's not all the world is, that's not what most people are, and that's not what most of life is about. It's a tiny part, and they're the dregs of society. There's no good reason why there should be so much focus on them. It's too late to change my major, certainly, so I'll have to endure another 4 months of whatever before I can move on. But I do want to move on. To something worthwhile, to something fulfilling and worth spending my precious time on. I'm actually leaning toward a certain disengagement and apolitical stance, though. I know where I stand, and I'm not moving, but I'm not making my precious life a warfare, either. I intend to enjoy what I've got left of it, and that muck just has no place in it. Period.

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I am reeling and down.  Woman I was seeing seems to have written me off, so I have done the same.  Then, I get home tonight and have a cryptic email from a friend inviting me to his house tomorrow night to hear what his family has "been going through and will continue to go through"  these are really good friends of mine and now I think that someone is seriously sick.

 

On top of that, I've lost confidence in what I am writing.  This happens, it comes and goes, but tonight, probably fueled by the bad events above, my entire focus in life (my novel) seems silly, childish, hopeless, frivolous, and insane.

 

Plus, I start back at work with my ****** boos on Wednesday.

 

Down! :(

Sorry to hear you're also having women trouble Sal. Maybe we could co-write a book about our tragic dating experiences ha. Can't let it get to you I suppose. Plenty of more fish and all that.

Hope you get inspiration back for your novel!

Today has been a bit better. Still not feeling great but managed to keep my mind occupied with work. I'm also trying out for a band soon as a vocalist. Hopefully I'll get the gig. I need a focus in my life.

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Like I'll never be truly happy again.

Like I am broken, irretrievably damaged goods.

Like complete and utter sh!t.

Just wish I were nonexistent...

:(

 

((((((((hugs)))))))))

Thank you. Lauryn. Just really missing my ex lately :( I honestly thought I had turned a corner. Just wish I could move on, you know. The irony of it is, we are getting along the best we have since she left.

Well, of course she's happy and getting along: I'm not an albatross/parasite putting a drag on her life and weighing her down anymore. Her career is going great guns, she's in a new relationship with a great guy who probably trumps me by a wide margin in every category, she has lost thirty pounds (started running marathons and doing yoga after we split) and looks more beautiful every time I see her,and she has a wonderful, nurturing family and a wide circle of close, supportive friends.

The lead weight is gone, so I guess it's no wonder that her balloon is soaring...

:(

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Really just want a nice amount of cash so i don't have to work or depend on benefits,purchase all the old action figures i had as a kid, close my door and not go back outside again. Sad existance i know but it would be more pleasent than being social in the world of today. No interest in a romantic relationship as it makes me sick. I just want to be left alone.

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Down, lonely, unloved. anxious, and bored.  

 

I went to a friend's place tonight and found out their son has been booked into rehab - 18 yrs old.  Massive coke addiction and debts etc.  They had always been the model family - crap happens everywhere.

(((((((((((Brian)))))))))) HUGS

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Thanks for all the hugs.

 

I am still feeling depressed.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to be at peace. 

 

Sorry Duck you are having a rough time.  Holidays can really be stressful and make us feel worse.  They certainly did me this year.  But following your posts, you seem to snap out of it some way.  I've admired your strength to always try to feel better.  Please take care of yourself!

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Down, lonely, unloved. anxious, and bored.  

 

I went to a friend's place tonight and found out their son has been booked into rehab - 18 yrs old.  Massive coke addiction and debts etc.  They had always been the model family - crap happens everywhere.

 

Brian:  I hope you are feeling better.  Addiction is a very tough thing both for the person going through it and for those who witness it.  I have a few friends that have been to rehab for drugs or alcohol, so I can relate to your sadness and disappointment.  The good news the majority came out of rehab and are to this day clean and sober.  The other thing that he actually agreed to go to rehab is huge, because he may have hit his bottom, or saw how it was effecting his life and the people he loved..  I hope he sticks with the program and comes home healthy, clean and sober.

 

This is kind of a deja vu for me, because I came from a very privileged and respected family.. KInd of the pillar of the community.  And then there was me who at 18 was way into drugs with my girlfriend at the time.  I really am surprised I did not end up in rehab.   Somehow eventually I stopped.  But the yearning is always there.  And I truly wish I had not done them as much because I'm sure they messed my mind up for the long haul.  So you are right, drug and alcohol addiction does not discriminate no matter the status of a family.

 

I think he'll be alright now he is in someplace safe.  So try not to worry too much, ok!   Take care of yourself!

 

Jeff

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The holidays were very tough for me, as it appears to have been for several members.  I really miss the Christmas spirit so ingrained in my upbringing.  I almost dread the holidays when they come.  Brings up so many good memories, memories I can't seem to make anymore.

 

Right now I'm ok.  Listening to my Adele cds while writing.  Adele speaks to me through her songs, especially in regard to relationships.  She is so amazingly talented.  And yesterday the Seahawks beat Arizona 36-6 which made me very happy.  Living in Seattle the Seahawks are like the biggest celebrities, and have amazing fan support known nation wide. We are in the play offs scheduled to play the Minnesota Vikings next week I think in Minnesota.  Last time we played them we beat them so I hope we do again. Football makes me happy.

 

And capturing those feelings of happiness are priceless for me!

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Horrible. Had probably the worst first date I've ever been on last night.

Met her through a dating site (I know, first mistake) and for the weeks before we went on the date she seemed really interested, texting me cute messages and all sorts. But then we met, she just seemed distracted all the time, uninterested, messing about on her phone, texting her friends. All whilst I'm sat there with a glass of JD in my hand thinking to myself 'what the hell is going on?'. Really felt like leaving ten minutes in but did the polite thing and just tried to make the best of it.

Sorry these posts are starting to become some sort of tragic dating diary.

Other than that, my friends are all too busy to meet. We seemed to go out a lot when I was going through bad times last year but I just get excuses now, if they reply at all. I spent Christmas and New Year pretty much alone. I mean family was present but I felt alone anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow and the project I'm on is in a bit of a mess - got to try and get that sorted out.

Eurgh, this is all a ramble. The only positive things I can think of right now is the possibility of a Guns N Roses reunion (which I'll be the first to buy tickets for ha) and that I'm actually still here fighting my s***ty demons.

Yeah, I think I may be back here for a good while this year.

 

Dear Songs:  I am so sorry to hear your date did not go well.  But from what I heard from your post, I don't think you did anything wrong, I think it was her. I think she was very disrespectful no matter the circumstances.  Please don't take it personal.  This is not about you but her.  Online dating can bring some great people into your life, but it can also do the opposite.  I think you have to go in with an open mind that the date can go either way when made on a dating site.  

 

I can relate to friends slowly disappearing when you need them the most.  Mine don't get me at all any more, because I used be such a social animal, and now I just want to be by myself, or only a couple of friends.  You may need to make an inventory of the friends you feel are solid and concentrate on them for support.  I have had to do this not only with my friends but also my family which is really.hard.  Eventually I think you will find someone who will give you the happiness and joy you deserve, really as we all do.  So hang in there.

 

And as a side note I have always been a huge fan of "Guns's and Roses" so enjoy.  What a great reunion that would be. I'll have to check their tour schedule.  That is definitely something to look forward to. 

 

Stay strong and remember no one can steal a loving heart and soul.

 

HH

 

 

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"Like trash".  The same way I've been feeling for quite some time, and the same way I am likely to feel if I asked myself this question everyday, "like trash", although I might use other synonyms to describe the same feeling.  

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(trigger warning maybe?)

I just found the suicide note that I wrote the night that I overdosed in April and it was quite surprising because I had completely forgot I had written one. Everything in the note still applies, although my love interest has changed as had many friends. Reading back on it has showed me how much different my depression was then and now. I consistently referenced the amount of pain I was in, whereas now I feel nothing, no good feelings really but no bad feelings either. Part of me misses the pain and being able to cry more.

 

My mother could not stop insulting me tonight. I had to clean out my dorm because I am now living at home while attending school and during the drive over she continuously made hurtful remarks to me about how during my three week break I stayed in bed and "how am I ever supposed to feel better". She told me that I'm supposed to be out living, or jogging, or doing anything besides laying in bed over MY break. She also referenced how many times she has had to encourage me to do things I should do, and questioned how am ever going to function outside of her house without her. The main reason I stay in bed all day is because I have absolutely no energy from my depression. I feel no motivation to get up and do things whatsoever, I have no energy, and it just seems like there's no point to getting up. Through all her babbling I wanted to tell her that probably soon she would have a dead child rather than one who doesn't get out of bed! It's like she wants to push me off the edge when I'm already sitting near it.

 

Tomorrow we're back from break and I'm going to tell the women I'm madly in love with how I feel, or at least get a little closer than I usually get to it. I've got nothing to lose. 

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Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he suggested a mild sleep aid, melatonin, because I was having trouble sleeping and staying asleep. So I did and the first time did little, if anything... but I will keep trying. He has alternatives if this does not work.

 

But for the first time, as I lay awake my mind roaring as it usually does, I felt tears start to flow. I was ruminating over being alone, tending to isolate, wondering how I got where I am, why things don't work out, why do I feel like such a failure, why can someone else get along in this world and I can't...why can't I have a special someone in my life, and why has any relationship gone south quickly and why have I stayed with the psychologically abusive people I have had in my life. More than a "woe is me" feeling, I know many of you understand more than those who do not have depression.

 

My psych is a good Dr, well respected, but dang it... when it comes down to the basics, I am not really getting better. The meds mask the fact that I am FUBAR (look it up if you don't know that term, I am dating myself) and at least allow me to try to make things better... but I pine for the days when I drank like a fish, got out and about more, got invited to parties and things ... yet then got home and decided how I was going to **** myself because I was such a lousy drunk. I have been sober for over two years, almost three now... one of the few successes I have... I can't mess that up... Rock... meet Hard Place.

 

The tears did not flow much, I don't think I can cry anymore, but they started. Maybe that is good, maybe some humanity is creeping in this mess of a person.

 

Thanks for listening, I had to put this down so someone would at least see it. 

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I just had a meeting with my bosses.  It did not go well.

As usual they assumed everything wrong with my project is my fault and basically acted surprised that I wasn't super stoked to do a bunch of crap projects that won't work anyway.  I mean I said I'd do it but apparently that's not enough.

I also broke my rib a few weeks ago.  From COUGHING.  That is how sick I was for and for how long.  Can't help but think that maybe if I took better care of myself instead of putting work first maybe like this wouldn't happen.  But you know all of my frustrations are totally my fault so **** me.  So I am in considerable physical pain.  I haven't gotten a good night of sleep for weeks because apparently I can only sleep on my right side or my stomach and both hurt too much.  

I've been sitting here crying silently for about 10 minutes, and people are coming up, and they have to see that I have tears and snot running down my face even if I'm not making any noises.  And nobody gives a , seriously, they're just getting what they need from me and moving on. 

 

So basically I guess I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, and I feel like nobody could give any fewer craps about any of it.  I kind of want to go lock myself in the bathroom and seriously self-harm for the first time in 6 years but that would probably just make everything worse and get me committed if someone found out.

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Struggling with my job. Sometimes I feel confident in what I am doing, other times, not at all. Today is one of those not at all days. :( I wrestle with my confidence and roller coaster emotions all day long.

 

I'm in the wrong job I feel. I want to feel good about my work, and I just don't. I want to be successful, and I don't feel that way. And I want to be happy with my job, but I'm just not. My job has always been either a source of misery or a source of fulfillment, but is usually on the misery end. If I was happy in my job, I think most of my depression would be resolved (not all, but most). I pray for a better job this year. I need this so very much in my life.

 

**hugs** to everyone here who is struggling.

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Like I'll never be truly happy again.

Like I am broken, irretrievably damaged goods.

Like complete and utter sh!t.

Just wish I were nonexistent...

:(

 

((((((((hugs)))))))))

Thank you. Lauryn. Just really missing my ex lately :( I honestly thought I had turned a corner. Just wish I could move on, you know. The irony of it is, we are getting along the best we have since she left.

Well, of course she's happy and getting along: I'm not an albatross/parasite putting a drag on her life and weighing her down anymore. Her career is going great guns, she's in a new relationship with a great guy who probably trumps me by a wide margin in every category, she has lost thirty pounds (started running marathons and doing yoga after we split) and looks more beautiful every time I see her,and she has a wonderful, nurturing family and a wide circle of close, supportive friends.

The lead weight is gone, so I guess it's no wonder that her balloon is soaring...

:(

 

Hearing of someone that insanely fortunate makes me want to gag, actually, so I can imagine how hard it is being around her.  ;-)

It is hard.. Thing is, I truly am happy for her, she has worked hard to get where she is.... I just blew it,in spectacular fashion, and as hard as I try, I can't stop beating myself up about it.

Just feel like a pathetic, middle-aged loser.

:(

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Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he suggested a mild sleep aid, melatonin, because I was having trouble sleeping and staying asleep. So I did and the first time did little, if anything... but I will keep trying. He has alternatives if this does not work.

 

But for the first time, as I lay awake my mind roaring as it usually does, I felt tears start to flow. I was ruminating over being alone, tending to isolate, wondering how I got where I am, why things don't work out, why do I feel like such a failure, why can someone else get along in this world and I can't...why can't I have a special someone in my life, and why has any relationship gone south quickly and why have I stayed with the psychologically abusive people I have had in my life. More than a "woe is me" feeling, I know many of you understand more than those who do not have depression.

 

My psych is a good Dr, well respected, but dang it... when it comes down to the basics, I am not really getting better. The meds mask the fact that I am FUBAR (look it up if you don't know that term, I am dating myself) and at least allow me to try to make things better... but I pine for the days when I drank like a fish, got out and about more, got invited to parties and things ... yet then got home and decided how I was going to **** myself because I was such a lousy drunk. I have been sober for over two years, almost three now... one of the few successes I have... I can't mess that up... Rock... meet Hard Place.

 

The tears did not flow much, I don't think I can cry anymore, but they started. Maybe that is good, maybe some humanity is creeping in this mess of a person.

 

Thanks for listening, I had to put this down so someone would at least see it.

Congratulations on your nearly three years of sobriety, Donaldpotato! No small feat, especially while dealing with a depressive illness..

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