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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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I'm quite tired right now but I'm not feeling ready for bed so I think I'm going to watch Hulu or read before I go to sleep. My sleep schedule is so disturbed I don't know how I'm ever going to get it back on track. I'll probably have to take some of the allergy pills I've been prescribed that I'm supposed to be taking 4x a day (oops). 

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griffindoor, have you tried Vitamin D for sleep? Works like a charm for me, otherwise I have sleep issues, too. Those drugs can really be strong and have all kinds of other side effects. Plus, they might screw up your brain so that it gets its natural sleep rhythms confused. Vitamin D sets you back on track, powerfully, but naturally.

 

There's also melatonin if you want something stronger and much faster, though I've never needed it.

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I'm doing well - I finally submitted my application to Boston College! :computer:  *plonks down in exhaustion* lol...*big sigh* It's been a while since I put myself through this...well, about two weeks, but I guess I'd blocked it out. It was less stress-provoking than the first few times, certainly, but still pretty tedious. I only have a few more left to go! :sigh:

 

And you know, I'm actually pretty optimistic that I'll get into one of the first six schools, which I'd rather go to. My statement of purpose is pretty good, and even the director of undergraduate studies in English at school told me this (while I was still freaking out, which made it harder to believe him at the time, but reading it over in a cooler frame of mind, I can see its merits better). He reads a lot of them, I'm sure, so I guess I should take heart. :) I'm sure I'll go somewhere that's right for me.

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I love how well I feel lately. I've had several things hit me recently, but I haven't been knocked off, in fact I've handled them so well it's amazing. I'm not as perfectionistic or insecure as before. I have this feeling of well-being, I catch myself smiling sometimes without any clear-cut stimulus... :)

 

I know it has everything to do with certain recent changes, but also with dietary and lifestyle changes. I'm eating well, cooking for myself (which my old T used to say signals your subconscious or inner child that you're taking care of yourself, meaning it's safer), and getting a lot of sleep at night. Also, the Paul Stamets supplements are helping a lot, I think. I'm eating just a ton of fruits and veggies, and I'm trying the almonds which someone said help with depression. I swear there's something to the almonds, too...at least for me.

 

My very best wishes, blessings, and prayers to all of you who are suffering at this time!!! I know well how it feels, as the vast majority of the past 31 years were one circle or another of hell for me. HUGS and blessings for a better new year!!!

Hey Skylark, I love the name change.  I've been feeling just as you've described some of the time, too.  I was wondering if you'd mind explaining what you mean by taking care of yourself being safer?  I do get that my inner child is happy with the progress I've made.  I get twinges of feeling happy that I've cared for myself, but I never considered it to mean I felt safer.  Did your therapist mean safe to care for oneself?  Or that you feel safer so you're caring for yourself? 

 

It seems as if  my life has been a series of one dramatic event after another.  Though I fear I will not enter into new situations because I don't want to distract myself just yet, I'm enjoying the lack of chaos.  I find myself walking away when people, at work mostly, get really negative.  I still try to be empathetic, but I have to safe guard myself from certain stimulation.  I've learned that I'm better off if I don't watch the news, participate in gossip, or do much complaining in general.  I sometimes regret that I'm not always aware of current events, but I just can't go there.  I seem to absorb pain a bit too much.  Anyway, it is a form of self care for me and it's one that I've struggled to accept my entire life.  People have called me an idealist, or a ditz, which I most certainly am not, for continuing to believe in the goodness of people, too.  I have to do that or I want to flush my head down the toilet.  Ha.  Sorry for the long response and many questions, but your post was refreshing to me and it made me think of how I am dealing differently today. 

 

I'm so happy for you.

Hi, renee - thank you! It's been a long, hard journey, so I'm very grateful and pleased to be where I am now, too. To answer your first question, my T meant that when your inner child sees "you taking care of you," it senses that it has some adult support, which means that the danger and instability of the past is past. It signals that you are not following the same pattern and recycling the old abuse or neglect or whatever to yourself. So, the inner child can distinguish the past from the present, which may be safe and stable (or more so), and begin to let go of the past - and let you calm down, feel more confident, break patterns, etc. Sorry that I didn't word it very well before - and that this makes sense, lol. She explained it better but kind of took a while. I think the safety issue might depend on where you're coming from, e.g. in terms of abuse, but I think it would make any inner child feel "safer" in the sense of more secure if you're treating yourself in a nourishing instead of a destructive or neglectful way.

 

I'm so glad to hear you're doing better, too! :) I've always been called an idealist myself (and may well qualify as one), so I completely get the fear/guilt of "tuning out," but I find similar things to what you describe helpful, actually. If I can help, I still try to, but if I can't do anything about it - if it's a question of injustice across the country or the world or something - I don't go there. And I'm learning my boundaries and limits; when I need to step away or avoid a subject, I do.

 

I've always been the same about absorbing pain too easily. I still encounter some things at school that I'd rather not, but I do my best not to take it in and make it my own. I'm learning. I think it's worth it. Too much empathy can actually be paralyzing, which rendered me unable to help anybody, even myself.

 

Anyway, I really hope this new self-care works out for you. I do think that sometimes it's necessary and best for everyone in the long run.

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Horrible. Had probably the worst first date I've ever been on last night.

Met her through a dating site (I know, first mistake) and for the weeks before we went on the date she seemed really interested, texting me cute messages and all sorts. But then we met, she just seemed distracted all the time, uninterested, messing about on her phone, texting her friends. All whilst I'm sat there with a glass of JD in my hand thinking to myself 'what the hell is going on?'. Really felt like leaving ten minutes in but did the polite thing and just tried to make the best of it.

Sorry these posts are starting to become some sort of tragic dating diary.

Other than that, my friends are all too busy to meet. We seemed to go out a lot when I was going through bad times last year but I just get excuses now, if they reply at all. I spent Christmas and New Year pretty much alone. I mean family was present but I felt alone anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow and the project I'm on is in a bit of a mess - got to try and get that sorted out.

Eurgh, this is all a ramble. The only positive things I can think of right now is the possibility of a Guns N Roses reunion (which I'll be the first to buy tickets for ha) and that I'm actually still here fighting my s***ty demons.

Yeah, I think I may be back here for a good while this year.

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Well, I woke up too late to make it to the new progressive church. Bit disappointed about that. I thought about going late, but I still feel brain dead and in a bit of a funk (in terms of just feeling zoned out and unfit for much in the way of socializing). So I thought since I left things on a good note and made good connections and impressions last week, that I'll just leave it at that and pick up next weekend when I'm in the right frame of mind for it again.

 

I've been sleeping 9-10 hours the last few nights! I also find it hard to really wake up for a while after I'm technically conscious. Getting up is even harder. I'm in a good mood, and not terribly tired, so I'm not quite sure what it is. I just want to snuggle in bed. Maybe it's the cold.

 

Oh, well. I feel quite good, still. I just don't want to backslide. I know everybody has moods where they just don't feel up to socializing, but I have a tendency to start hiding away from social contact if I allow myself to go too long without it. I just don't want to lose my energy for the positive changes I'm making, even though I still feel very enthusiastic and have all kinds of dreams and plans.

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Thanks for all the hugs.

I am still feeling depressed. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to be at peace.

Here's another hug, (((((duck))))), hope you're feeling better soon -

Joining mulberry ...we are a powerful duo! Our hugs have double energy in...and i hope you're feeling it..:))

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I went to a party last night. I had fun at the beginning a little bit. I didn't participate as much as others and I ended up getting tired after a 2-3 hours. People freaked out because they think I'm wack for leaving early because staying till the end is the norm.

 

On one hand, some people genuinely expressed concern about me and I appreciate that. On the other hand, addressing this made me feel very tense at that moment and I had no desire to party at all after that. So although I'm appreciative of the help I got, it caused mixed feelings.

 

Even though some things will never have a place in society, it's still a good thing that someone opened up to ask me what was wrong. Having a lack of desire to be joyful like all the other happy people, thinking that everybody thinks I'm a freak, and having people come up to me directly and tell me to my face that I'm out of place (not at the party)...those things take a toll on your psych. You won't come out of it with a big giant grin on your face. And sometimes it's just good to have the chance for someone to help me out and have some level of understanding about those kinds of things. You cannot improve your outlook on others by staying at home alone all the time and by going to places where I'm not valued properly.

 

Also, if everybody does something, as long as it doesn't put my health or well-being in jeopardy, I have to follow along to be like others. Otherwise, I'm out of place. Being in place helps improve the state of one's psych. That's just how the human body works. At least I'm not denying it.

Edited by The_Unwanted

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Horrible. Had probably the worst first date I've ever been on last night.

Met her through a dating site (I know, first mistake) and for the weeks before we went on the date she seemed really interested, texting me cute messages and all sorts. But then we met, she just seemed distracted all the time, uninterested, messing about on her phone, texting her friends. All whilst I'm sat there with a glass of JD in my hand thinking to myself 'what the hell is going on?'. Really felt like leaving ten minutes in but did the polite thing and just tried to make the best of it.

Sorry these posts are starting to become some sort of tragic dating diary.

Other than that, my friends are all too busy to meet. We seemed to go out a lot when I was going through bad times last year but I just get excuses now, if they reply at all. I spent Christmas and New Year pretty much alone. I mean family was present but I felt alone anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow and the project I'm on is in a bit of a mess - got to try and get that sorted out.

Eurgh, this is all a ramble. The only positive things I can think of right now is the possibility of a Guns N Roses reunion (which I'll be the first to buy tickets for ha) and that I'm actually still here fighting my s***ty demons.

Yeah, I think I may be back here for a good while this year.

 

Sorry about the lousy date Songs!  I feel for ya, been there, got the fridge magnet etc.

 

My dairies too have mostly been about dating.  I am now licking my wounds from a woman I am attracted to playing games with me.  Thing is, I know it's not a good match, and everyone on here and in my "real" life says the same things, it's just that things were hot for a month and I miss it and it still hurts being shunned.  That's how I'm feeling, shunned again.

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I am feeling sleepy. Still recovering from Friday's 12-hour travel day. And last night, in the middle of the night, firetrucks came screaming down our street...they stayed with their lights blinking for I don't know how long.

Then my cat ******** my sleep.

 

I could sleep now.

 

Maybe I should.

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So I spent much of the afternoon looking at foreign grad programs and funded study abroad, even after I said I wouldn't. lol. I think when I get into stuff like that, it's driven by worry or this sense of pressure, and then it gains the momentum of inertia, and it's hard to break out of it. I know I shouldn't have, and that I'll probably get into and attend one of the domestic PhD programs I've already applied to. I'm still going to indulge my dreams of traveling, but it'll happen when it's meant to happen, and I'm not going to worry because I can't chase down every opportunity and all the info out there about it. :)

 

Feel better now. Now I'm going to unwind with a movie like I'd planned. :)

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Skylark,

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond so thoroughly to my question.  Your explanation makes perfect sense to me.  I was seeing a therapist after a painful breakup and asked her what kind of person gets involved with someone who is abusive.  She explained to me that one who is used to abuse is likely to enter into abusive relationships.  She also told me, because I was beating up on myself, that now that I didn't have anyone in my life to treat me bad, I was doing it to myself.  I ended up going back with this man.  I hadn't stayed away long enough to even begin to understand or care for myself.  I thought a year was long enough but it wasn't.  Anyway, we reunited for a few years and it really took its toll on me.  I've been out of that relationship for two years now and have refused to enter into something else.  I want to feel better about myself first and I really am surprised that I'm starting to do just that.  I can beat up on myself sometimes for taking so long to stand up for myself, but then I remember that abuse started for me when I was very young and continued up until two years ago.  I'm 52 so that's a long, long time. 

 

Thanks again for your post.  I would respond more to other people who've posted here needing support, but I am really struggling to adjust to working day shift.  I just got home and I simply had to drag through the day.  I am taking my antidepressant at a different time, sleeping at a different time, eating at a different time.  Basically my time clock is really messed up and I feel super tired and out of sorts.  I think this change will be best for my health and quality of life once I'm used to it but man is the adjustment harder than I thought it would be.

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Relieved. I just ended band practice and it was better than I expected.

The leader decided to talk to us about the support and bond in band which was lost through 2015 and thus so many of us hated it. Now, it feels like everyone's back on track and there's no "wow u can't play for " attitude anymore. I guess band wouldn't be much of a problem anymore. :)

The start of band in 2016 seems good so I'm hoping it'll stay that way.

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I am reeling and down.  Woman I was seeing seems to have written me off, so I have done the same.  Then, I get home tonight and have a cryptic email from a friend inviting me to his house tomorrow night to hear what his family has "been going through and will continue to go through"  these are really good friends of mine and now I think that someone is seriously sick.

 

On top of that, I've lost confidence in what I am writing.  This happens, it comes and goes, but tonight, probably fueled by the bad events above, my entire focus in life (my novel) seems silly, childish, hopeless, frivolous, and insane.

 

Plus, I start back at work with my ****** boos on Wednesday.

 

Down! :(

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Feeling empty right now and low. Not looking forward to a long work week ahead. Guess my earlier feeling of hopefulness was fleeting. So sick of experiencing ups and downs like this.

 

I am with you RL.  But, it will go up again, for all of us.  Of that, I am sure.  I hope you feel better tomorrow!

 

B

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