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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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I have a wry smile on my face as I write this... Maybe it's because I expect bad stuff to happen.  So I tried to 'look ahead' to the new year as maybe being 'different' this time.  I don't normally do that, since it usually ends up going wrong.  So imagine my lack of surprise when I chipped one of my two front teeth on January 1st.  When it happened I just sighed and said, "Of course..."   Happy new year to me. 

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I have a wry smile on my face as I write this... Maybe it's because I expect bad stuff to happen.  So I tried to 'look ahead' to the new year as maybe being 'different' this time.  I don't normally do that, since it usually ends up going wrong.  So imagine my lack of surprise when I chipped one of my two front teeth on January 1st.  When it happened I just sighed and said, "Of course..."   Happy new year to me. 

I woke up today to the news that George RR Martin won't have The Winds of Winter ready before season 6 of Game of Thrones.  Another lousy start to 2016.  :)

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I feel OK.... ish.

 

There's this minute tinge of something. An expectation of wrongness.

My anhedonia isn't as awful, but it seems I can't fix schizoid.

There's a feeling of something is missing - something that makes me still not human enough.

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Happy New Year to all my fellow DF warriors :)

I am doing OK. I am coming to terms with my ex's new relationship; the bottom line is she deserves to be happy and to get on with her life (as do we all). It still hurts a little, but I am starting to move past it. They say that if you really love someone, you let them go, and I guess there is some truth to that.

I had a pretty good new year. I actually hosted a small gathering at my new apartment, which overall, went pretty well. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, anyhow. Looking forward to the next gathering!

I had a nice new years day dinner with two good friends who also suffer from depression/bipolar. We talked for three hours, our own therapy session, if you will. I have been taking part in a lot more social activities in recent months, which has helped the depression tremendously.

As for resolutions: quit drinking, exercise more, eat healthier and stay in better touch with family and friends!

I wish all of you here much peace, happiness and success in the coming year...as always I am here for you guys if you need a friend, someone to talk/vent to, or just a damn shoulder to lean on!

Hugs to everyone,

Tim

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I love how well I feel lately. I've had several things hit me recently, but I haven't been knocked off, in fact I've handled them so well it's amazing. I'm not as perfectionistic or insecure as before. I have this feeling of well-being, I catch myself smiling sometimes without any clear-cut stimulus... :)

 

I know it has everything to do with certain recent changes, but also with dietary and lifestyle changes. I'm eating well, cooking for myself (which my old T used to say signals your subconscious or inner child that you're taking care of yourself, meaning it's safer), and getting a lot of sleep at night. Also, the Paul Stamets supplements are helping a lot, I think. I'm eating just a ton of fruits and veggies, and I'm trying the almonds which someone said help with depression. I swear there's something to the almonds, too...at least for me.

 

My very best wishes, blessings, and prayers to all of you who are suffering at this time!!! I know well how it feels, as the vast majority of the past 31 years were one circle or another of hell for me. HUGS and blessings for a better new year!!!

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I feel OK.... ish.

 

There's this minute tinge of something. An expectation of wrongness.

My anhedonia isn't as awful, but it seems I can't fix schizoid.

There's a feeling of something is missing - something that makes me still not human enough.

Oh ((((((hugs)))))) to all,that's i know exactly how it is to feel like to be in that state of mind...light version of anhedonia...you feel normal and OK when you are not totally emotionless but still there's a BIG piece of you is missing inside you that makes you human....with and old small lantern i keep searching for the spirit of liveliness in the dark areas of my brain.

Edited by desperados
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Not well today.  Anxious.  I've been getting hot flashes, probably anxiety related.  I am exhausted and feeling down about a lady cancelling a walk with me today - I think I need to let her go anyway (my gut and everyone else is telling me that) but it is still bothering me.  Anxious and down about starting back at work on Wednesday.  Disappointed in myself for mistreating my body - eating, drinking and not working out enough.  I am too lazy to go for a walk.  Perhaps it's just a bad day!

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Sick, tired, depressed. Sick of the world and the violence, hate, arrogance in this country. I just want to disappear sometimes. Tired of being lonely and crazy... depressed at my lot in life. I can not or will not or whatever.... see the good in much tonight. 

Glad I see my shrink on Monday.

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I love how well I feel lately. I've had several things hit me recently, but I haven't been knocked off, in fact I've handled them so well it's amazing. I'm not as perfectionistic or insecure as before. I have this feeling of well-being, I catch myself smiling sometimes without any clear-cut stimulus... :)

 

I know it has everything to do with certain recent changes, but also with dietary and lifestyle changes. I'm eating well, cooking for myself (which my old T used to say signals your subconscious or inner child that you're taking care of yourself, meaning it's safer), and getting a lot of sleep at night. Also, the Paul Stamets supplements are helping a lot, I think. I'm eating just a ton of fruits and veggies, and I'm trying the almonds which someone said help with depression. I swear there's something to the almonds, too...at least for me.

 

Hey Skylark, I love the name change.  I've been feeling just as you've described some of the time, too.  I was wondering if you'd mind explaining what you mean by taking care of yourself being safer?  I do get that my inner child is happy with the progress I've made.  I get twinges of feeling happy that I've cared for myself, but I never considered it to mean I felt safer.  Did your therapist mean safe to care for oneself?  Or that you feel safer so you're caring for yourself? 

 

It seems as if  my life has been a series of one dramatic event after another.  Though I fear I will not enter into new situations because I don't want to distract myself just yet, I'm enjoying the lack of chaos.  I find myself walking away when people, at work mostly, get really negative.  I still try to be empathetic, but I have to safe guard myself from certain stimulation.  I've learned that I'm better off if I don't watch the news, participate in gossip, or do much complaining in general.  I sometimes regret that I'm not always aware of current events, but I just can't go there.  I seem to absorb pain a bit too much.  Anyway, it is a form of self care for me and it's one that I've struggled to accept my entire life.  People have called me an idealist, or a ditz, which I most certainly am not, for continuing to believe in the goodness of people, too.  I have to do that or I want to flush my head down the toilet.  Ha.  Sorry for the long response and many questions, but your post was refreshing to me and it made me think of how I am dealing differently today. 

 

I'm so happy for you.

 

My very best wishes, blessings, and prayers to all of you who are suffering at this time!!! I know well how it feels, as the vast majority of the past 31 years were one circle or another of hell for me. HUGS and blessings for a better new year!!!

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Awful. Not just the depression, but lately I have constant headaches, stomach aches, dizziness, and pressure in my chest. Getting worse every day. Can barely do anything. Feels like I'm dying.

Maybe it's related to the Trazodone my psychiatrist recently gave me. I take it at night to relieve anxiety and to help sleep. Medication is such a crap shoot. Sometimes I feel like we're just Guinea pigs to the doctors.

 

 

Sounds like you are having panic attack symptoms.  I get panic attacks often.  What concerns me is the pressure in you chest.  I have panic attacks and my symptoms are very similar to yours except I don't really get a pressure in my chest., more a rapid heart beat.

 

What ever you are experiencing I can somewhat relate.  We are on different medications for anxiety.  MIght want to let your doctor know what is going on.  BTW I do agree that if we are not our own health advocate, the medical community can take advantage.

 

Be well!

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Got up late today, but have been productive.  I am very apprehensive what this new year will bring.  Already I have had some bad news about having to undergo a very unpleasant procedure next week for my blood disease.  Going to the doctor and having procedures is kind of second nature to me now. But one of my resolutions for the year was to be more healthy and less doctor visits.  Really want to travel, but everything is on hold until my immune system is stronger.

 

Speaking of travel I got a wonderful invitation from an Endangered Species non-profit  worldwide organization to go on an expedition in the Arctic to study Polar Bears.  I have partnered with them for years and feel honored.  What a once in a life time opportunity.  It is a pretty busy schedule for only six days, led by a world famous Professor of animals on the brink of extinction.  I don't think my docs will go for it, but I was flattered to be invited as only 14 members can go.  Who knows,  I'm going to stay optimistic.

 

Hope everyone else is settling into this new year comfortably.!

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I'm quite tired right now but I'm not feeling ready for bed so I think I'm going to watch Hulu or read before I go to sleep. My sleep schedule is so disturbed I don't know how I'm ever going to get it back on track. I'll probably have to take some of the allergy pills I've been prescribed that I'm supposed to be taking 4x a day (oops). 

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griffindoor, have you tried Vitamin D for sleep? Works like a charm for me, otherwise I have sleep issues, too. Those drugs can really be strong and have all kinds of other side effects. Plus, they might screw up your brain so that it gets its natural sleep rhythms confused. Vitamin D sets you back on track, powerfully, but naturally.

 

There's also melatonin if you want something stronger and much faster, though I've never needed it.

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I'm doing well - I finally submitted my application to Boston College! :computer:  *plonks down in exhaustion* lol...*big sigh* It's been a while since I put myself through this...well, about two weeks, but I guess I'd blocked it out. It was less stress-provoking than the first few times, certainly, but still pretty tedious. I only have a few more left to go! :sigh:

 

And you know, I'm actually pretty optimistic that I'll get into one of the first six schools, which I'd rather go to. My statement of purpose is pretty good, and even the director of undergraduate studies in English at school told me this (while I was still freaking out, which made it harder to believe him at the time, but reading it over in a cooler frame of mind, I can see its merits better). He reads a lot of them, I'm sure, so I guess I should take heart. :) I'm sure I'll go somewhere that's right for me.

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I love how well I feel lately. I've had several things hit me recently, but I haven't been knocked off, in fact I've handled them so well it's amazing. I'm not as perfectionistic or insecure as before. I have this feeling of well-being, I catch myself smiling sometimes without any clear-cut stimulus... :)

 

I know it has everything to do with certain recent changes, but also with dietary and lifestyle changes. I'm eating well, cooking for myself (which my old T used to say signals your subconscious or inner child that you're taking care of yourself, meaning it's safer), and getting a lot of sleep at night. Also, the Paul Stamets supplements are helping a lot, I think. I'm eating just a ton of fruits and veggies, and I'm trying the almonds which someone said help with depression. I swear there's something to the almonds, too...at least for me.

 

My very best wishes, blessings, and prayers to all of you who are suffering at this time!!! I know well how it feels, as the vast majority of the past 31 years were one circle or another of hell for me. HUGS and blessings for a better new year!!!

Hey Skylark, I love the name change.  I've been feeling just as you've described some of the time, too.  I was wondering if you'd mind explaining what you mean by taking care of yourself being safer?  I do get that my inner child is happy with the progress I've made.  I get twinges of feeling happy that I've cared for myself, but I never considered it to mean I felt safer.  Did your therapist mean safe to care for oneself?  Or that you feel safer so you're caring for yourself? 

 

It seems as if  my life has been a series of one dramatic event after another.  Though I fear I will not enter into new situations because I don't want to distract myself just yet, I'm enjoying the lack of chaos.  I find myself walking away when people, at work mostly, get really negative.  I still try to be empathetic, but I have to safe guard myself from certain stimulation.  I've learned that I'm better off if I don't watch the news, participate in gossip, or do much complaining in general.  I sometimes regret that I'm not always aware of current events, but I just can't go there.  I seem to absorb pain a bit too much.  Anyway, it is a form of self care for me and it's one that I've struggled to accept my entire life.  People have called me an idealist, or a ditz, which I most certainly am not, for continuing to believe in the goodness of people, too.  I have to do that or I want to flush my head down the toilet.  Ha.  Sorry for the long response and many questions, but your post was refreshing to me and it made me think of how I am dealing differently today. 

 

I'm so happy for you.

Hi, renee - thank you! It's been a long, hard journey, so I'm very grateful and pleased to be where I am now, too. To answer your first question, my T meant that when your inner child sees "you taking care of you," it senses that it has some adult support, which means that the danger and instability of the past is past. It signals that you are not following the same pattern and recycling the old abuse or neglect or whatever to yourself. So, the inner child can distinguish the past from the present, which may be safe and stable (or more so), and begin to let go of the past - and let you calm down, feel more confident, break patterns, etc. Sorry that I didn't word it very well before - and that this makes sense, lol. She explained it better but kind of took a while. I think the safety issue might depend on where you're coming from, e.g. in terms of abuse, but I think it would make any inner child feel "safer" in the sense of more secure if you're treating yourself in a nourishing instead of a destructive or neglectful way.

 

I'm so glad to hear you're doing better, too! :) I've always been called an idealist myself (and may well qualify as one), so I completely get the fear/guilt of "tuning out," but I find similar things to what you describe helpful, actually. If I can help, I still try to, but if I can't do anything about it - if it's a question of injustice across the country or the world or something - I don't go there. And I'm learning my boundaries and limits; when I need to step away or avoid a subject, I do.

 

I've always been the same about absorbing pain too easily. I still encounter some things at school that I'd rather not, but I do my best not to take it in and make it my own. I'm learning. I think it's worth it. Too much empathy can actually be paralyzing, which rendered me unable to help anybody, even myself.

 

Anyway, I really hope this new self-care works out for you. I do think that sometimes it's necessary and best for everyone in the long run.

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Horrible. Had probably the worst first date I've ever been on last night.

Met her through a dating site (I know, first mistake) and for the weeks before we went on the date she seemed really interested, texting me cute messages and all sorts. But then we met, she just seemed distracted all the time, uninterested, messing about on her phone, texting her friends. All whilst I'm sat there with a glass of JD in my hand thinking to myself 'what the hell is going on?'. Really felt like leaving ten minutes in but did the polite thing and just tried to make the best of it.

Sorry these posts are starting to become some sort of tragic dating diary.

Other than that, my friends are all too busy to meet. We seemed to go out a lot when I was going through bad times last year but I just get excuses now, if they reply at all. I spent Christmas and New Year pretty much alone. I mean family was present but I felt alone anyway. I'm back to work tomorrow and the project I'm on is in a bit of a mess - got to try and get that sorted out.

Eurgh, this is all a ramble. The only positive things I can think of right now is the possibility of a Guns N Roses reunion (which I'll be the first to buy tickets for ha) and that I'm actually still here fighting my s***ty demons.

Yeah, I think I may be back here for a good while this year.

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Well, I woke up too late to make it to the new progressive church. Bit disappointed about that. I thought about going late, but I still feel brain dead and in a bit of a funk (in terms of just feeling zoned out and unfit for much in the way of socializing). So I thought since I left things on a good note and made good connections and impressions last week, that I'll just leave it at that and pick up next weekend when I'm in the right frame of mind for it again.

 

I've been sleeping 9-10 hours the last few nights! I also find it hard to really wake up for a while after I'm technically conscious. Getting up is even harder. I'm in a good mood, and not terribly tired, so I'm not quite sure what it is. I just want to snuggle in bed. Maybe it's the cold.

 

Oh, well. I feel quite good, still. I just don't want to backslide. I know everybody has moods where they just don't feel up to socializing, but I have a tendency to start hiding away from social contact if I allow myself to go too long without it. I just don't want to lose my energy for the positive changes I'm making, even though I still feel very enthusiastic and have all kinds of dreams and plans.

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