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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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thinking about how I feel lonely even around people when I socalize,I was thinking back to my last group therapy session where one of the people said once they push themselfs to meet people they feel less lonely and better but when I do it I feel the same if not worse and more lonely,I can talk to a crowd spend time with  people yet I still feel alone,kinda of funny when you think about it.

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Found out earlier in December that I have had a "silent stroke" sometime in the past. Had MRI for hearing loss and discovered I had some damage. So first of year will be more tests... with insurance cost going up and benefits going down who knows if I can afford it.

Im sorry to hear about this, I hope that the tests come back with good news. Did you have a TIA for a full stroke?

 

I know how you feel though, it seems sometimes that the people with depression are the best actors! We fool everyone that we are happy even though we are breaking inside.

 

Speedy recovery,

 

 

x

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At the moment I feel exhausted from the facade of Christmas festivities. Pretending that im in a good place to friends and family. I try to think that I have had a better year but I havnt, it's been the same as every year preceding it. I'm still somewhat hopefull that next year will be better and I know that it is all up to me to change things.

 

R

 

 

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i feel very sick my throat hurts and I feel like I have a fever,I think thats why i have been in such a bad mood today

Take vitamin C and you'll see if the fever goes away and if your throat stops its play. By the way sending hot herbal tea your way.

Edited by Mikayla

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Today is the day that eventually realized that I'm all alone in this world. Nobody's going to care for me, I have to make it on my own. I really wish I could do it though. I won't isolate myself from people around me, but I will work harder to get tough-skinned.

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We are all alone when we get depressed...most of the people don't like to hang out with unhappy people,i've only my family that's all...

 

((((((((((((((((((( :broken_heart: Hugs :broken_heart: )))))))))))))))))))

 

Tired of living,feeling extremely unhappy and restless

 

 

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I am just generally dejected with life.  I feel that, going back to my crap job and lousy boss, I have nothing to look forward to in life.  It all just feels like a total drag.  

 

Ya. That's a good description. I got knocked down by a virus for a few days so I'm still not up to full strength. Everything seems to require even more effort than it already had.

 

Optimism is just another word in the dictionary that applies to other people.

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We are all alone when we get depressed...most of the people don't like to hang out with unhappy people,i've only my family that's all...

 

((((((((((((((((((( :broken_heart: Hugs :broken_heart: )))))))))))))))))))

 

Tired of living,feeling extremely unhappy and restless

(((((((((((((((((desperados)))))))))))))))) It's so good to see a post by you; I've really missed you!

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Without warning, a parade of people tramped in today. A new roommate is moving in. I just found out last night, and now she's moved in all her stuff. And I just found out she might be moving in! Today. I haven't even had a chance to clean the bathroom we're going to share. It's fine, except for the tub from when the drain was clogged.

 

I so don't have the energy for it. It's not just depression, unfortunately. I'm physically weak from other physical health problems, so exertion can really take a lot out of me. I've been exposed to cold a lot recently, too, and the combination has put me under the weather many times, so I'm afraid to risk it. But I don't want the new roommate to have a dirty bathtub, either... Argghhh.

 

I hope she doesn't move in for a few days so I can have some time here!

 

...It's funny that complaining and going into defensive mode remains as a mental habit, as well as the reflex to react to external stimuli by freaking out. It feels like oil floating on the surface of water, though. Internally, I'm actually still in good spirits. I was able to socialize, smile, and talk, and though it took effort, I actually enjoyed some of it.

 

It's weird: it's like my mind, by habit, tries to pull me down old familiar roads even when I don't actually feel any (or much) emotional inclination to go down them, and am even feeling content, or optimistic, or something else. I was annoyed when these people all showed up unexpectedly, and I had a few moments of fear and resentment that I might be thrown off track as a result, or get nervous, do poorly social, and get down because of that. But I haven't been thrown off track; I'm in a good mood, and I did reasonably well. Nor did I react by blaming myself or jumping to conclusions when other people didn't seem in as good a mood or in moments that might've been awkward (to be honest, I couldn't tell what the other people felt; in the old days, I would've immediately thought that I'd done something wrong socially, and been deflated and full of self-blame and resentment at them).

 

.... :) So...I think I'm doing well. Emotionally, I don't really mind having someone else here, or not this particular woman. She seems interesting and polite. Intellectually, I do think it was wrong that it was all just sprung on me, but I just don't feel like making a big issue of that, and in all honesty, I don't mind or care that much that this is happening. I'm sure things will work out now that I'm able to be sociable, including with the bathroom.

 

I think I'm charting a new course here, going the way I want to go, not the way I was taught to go as a child. I was taught negative thinking, constant freaking out over everything, and believing I can't cope with what comes. But I myself have always been inclined to hope, optimism, and positivity. Traumas laid me low, and the former swamped me, drowning out my own native instincts for a long time, but they always kept rising again, raising me up again.

 

I feel like I've been detoxified, and I can be myself now. :)

Edited by Skylark1

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Today is the day that eventually realized that I'm all alone in this world. Nobody's going to care for me, I have to make it on my own. I really wish I could do it though. I won't isolate myself from people around me, but I will work harder to get tough-skinned.

 

Hugs to you, meisje

 

 

Thank you :)

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I just got a notice from the MVD saying I need to provide proof of car insurance within 15 days or my plates will be suspended. I didn't realize they kept track of all that so carefully. So, I let my insurance lapse in November (couldn't afford it). I think I can afford to reinstate (if it doesn't go up, or not too much) within that time frame, as I'm expecting some money in January. However, I thought it would be just enough to see me through.

 

I've been avoiding looking for work, not only because of my illnesses and taking 7 classes next semester, but because I think I've developed a kind of phobia around the whole idea of applying. I've had really bad experiences in the past, and then was hit by several severe traumas around the same time, so my confidence level in applying, interviewing, etc., suffered a lot. Plus, what really scares me is that I don't have any real references, not personal ones. And I haven't worked in so long that I don't have work-related ones. Academic, yeah, plenty, but that does me no good here. I'm going to try to find a paid internship...

 

On another note, the bank just left a voicemail. So I have to call them and explain, presumably, the situation with the credit card payments (haven't been able to make them the past couple of months, except tiny conciliatory offerings).

 

I'm handling all this very well, emotionally - fear hasn't swamped me, worry hasn't consumed me, and I'm calm, though not happy about it all, of course. I know I'll get the money in time to avoid serious problems, though I'll have to figure out some payment plan with the bank. I'm still considering bankruptcy, but I'm not sure if that's worth it in the long run, or what other options I have. I've heard of programs to consolidate debt and that kind of thing, too. Plus, I know there must be a job out there where I can get past references, at least with a paid internship, I would think. There's one at a local community college, tutoring in English, which I'm going to apply for.

 

I mean, I know there are options, and it's not the end of the world, even though the old anxiety is needle-P**king me to look back. I'm tempted to, but I'm not going to bury my head in the sand, either, and the fear just isn't flooding me. I'm afraid it will, and that's stressful in itself, but it's not. And that's a big difference.

 

*sigh* :) One step at a time.

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I feel very unwell physically, mentally, and emotionally, worse than I ever have. It's hard for me to believe my once promising and relatively successful life has come to this point, but here I am - alone and with very little hope.

I used to be a fighter. I had some wins in the past, but I've been failing for way too long now. Хватит.

I don't want pity; I only ever wanted love. I thought I had it a few times, but it always slipped away, either because of my stupid mistakes or because of events beyond my control. My last desperate grasps at love and acceptance have failed spectacularly.

My intuition tells me the end is near. Last night I had two vivid dreams foreshadowing death. It scares me, but I also welcome it.

I wasn't a saint, but I did some good things in my life for other people. It wasn't a total waste.

There are a lot of good people on this forum. It's great to see how you support each other. If I stick around, I hope I can support some of you a bit. If not, take care and best wishes to you.

Edited by One More Red Nightmare

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I'm staying with my brother's family and I'm okay, but today, I felt there was not a lot of talking that I could join in on. My niece and nephew are older and easier to talk to. My son is more independent but still insists on sitting with me...and I wonder what it would be like to visit this place and not see my family....Would I run into them by accident and say that I was just in town on business?

Sometimes I just like sitting and doing nothing.

I'm feeling a little hungry and tired. I also need to drink some water. That will help.

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I'm actually quite sad that HH has been banned.  I miss her.  Not sure what she did, and perhaps it was indefensible, perhaps not.  Still, she was openly attacked on here, I thought.  I feel for her!  

 

Maybe someone who knows what happened could PM me?

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This past week I have been so hard.  I am not sure what is going on.  I am ready to cry very often and for no particular reason.  I can't cope with work.  I think what really triggered it was a fight with a co worker who I considered a friend.  Now I am feeling like the people at work who I care about don't care about me.  Even my two best friends from childhood can't even be bothered to text me over the holidays.  Now more than ever I feel so alone.  I am back to sleeping all the time on my days off.  Just to escape.  

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Have another thing to consider as far as what makes me "socially awkward" in a sense... It may have to do with being held back 1 year through school because of having so many surgeries when I was young. So thats what has been on my mind the last few nights.

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I'm actually quite sad that HH has been banned.  I miss her.  Not sure what she did, and perhaps it was indefensible, perhaps not.  Still, she was openly attacked on here, I thought.  I feel for her!  

 

Maybe someone who knows what happened could PM me?

Hey, Brian. I think your inbox is full. Could you empty it? I could PM you her contact info.

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I'm actually quite sad that HH has been banned.  I miss her.  Not sure what she did, and perhaps it was indefensible, perhaps not.  Still, she was openly attacked on here, I thought.  I feel for her!  

 

Maybe someone who knows what happened could PM me?

Hey, Brian. I think your inbox is full. Could you empty it? I could PM you her contact info.

 

 

She was banned? That's really sad and unfortunate. I know she was an active member here and provided a lot of support as well as needed support. :( Even on a depressions forum, smh.

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