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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Thanks to all for the support and kind words. Christmas is a very hard time for me. My oldest daughter passed away on Christmas in 1979. You never really get over a loss of that magnitude and sometimes if just overwhelms me. I feel better now but will be even better when the holidays are over and I don't have to fake happiness for the sake of others.

I am so sorry daveb48. What a devastating loss that must be. Of course your feelings are with you always.

Holidays are difficult. Hoping you continue to feel better. Know that we're all pulling for you!

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I feel like the holidays are nothing but chores for me: line up a cat sitter; chase after the missing house key, buy this, wrap that, then laundry, then packing to visit family where it will be nice, but not restful.

A friend came over today. Her sister passed away about a month ago. I made us coffee and we chatted and she brought me a piece of jewelry that her sister had...a really nice pin. I wished every day of the holidays could have been like this morning when my friend stopped by.

Now waiting for the cat sitter, hand over the extra key and then I'm going to sleep. Sometimes I hate being a responsible adult who has to arrange things.

To all who are hurting, please know you're not alone. And as hard as it is now, there will be better times.

Sending what cyber comfort I can as the year creaks slowly back up the wheel.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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Screwed up the courage to go to Christmas Mass, at a far-away church on a whim - and it was wonderful! The priest was so great, so affirming - he actually openly addressed the conservative onslaught within the church, and about the progressive direction Francis is trying to take to show the world the "real, radical inclusiveness" of Christianity. He invited us to this information session to learn more about the heart of the faith in order to be able to answer and counter conservative elements and intolerance in general, and I'm going to sign up. He's an old, foreign priest, and was so radically welcoming - I've never seen a Catholic church like it. I'm so impressed - it was exactly what I needed, and when I needed it most. :) I'm taking it as a sign, and an incredibly loving gesture, from God, that he hasn't left me and won't leave me to find my way in this mess alone. And that I don't have to leave the CC, which I've been torn about. The whole mass was so...open, warm, creative, and...I don't know, it just somehow resonated. It was about love and light, I didn't feel that awful coldness that I'm used to, and that always made me wither and react with fear and resentment.

 

Tears stood in my eyes during the service. I needed this so much. I've been tempted to leave the religion altogether, near despair, so many times. This church - not just the priest, but the church which has obviously reaped the benefits of his wonderfully pastoral care - was so different, so welcoming. It was exactly what I needed, and I'm going back. It's a drive, but I can make it once a week. :)

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I'm so sorry you're feeling bad (((((((((((Camellia))))))))))) :hugs:!! Hope you're feeling better soon - :rose:

Thank you Mulberry. Your simple words has made me feel better. Thank you again to  you and everyone here in DF. You guys has helped me a lot.

((((((((((Mulberrypie and everyone in here)))))))))))))) :hugs::rose:

Edited by Camellia

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How I feel right now? I feel like the world is closing in on me. Like everything is getting smaller and my light is getting forever smaller. I'm not sure if I can continue this fight any longer. The pain is just too great. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Hi onlyme - please know that it's not only you here.  I am sorry that you r feeling like you are.  We have all been there.  Please stay with us.  In the down times, of which I have had many (too freakin many), it seems like there is no hope.  The truth is, there is hope.  Big warm hugs to you my friend!!!!  Please let us know how you are doing tomorrow :)

 

I can feel it OnlyMe......your pain. I can feel it thru your words. Hang in there  ((((((OnlyMe))))))

Edited by Camellia

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Hugs to you Camellia.  It's great having you here as well.

 

And frozen, I am glad you had such a wonderful experience at church!  I am an atheist, or at least agnostic, but I truly a) wish I could believe and b) am thankful for the progressive churches that work to build community and understanding.  They often get drowned out by the hateful, spiteful sects, but I know they exist!!!  I too am heartened by this new Pope!

 

I can't believe it's 3 AM and I am still up, writing my head off LOL.

 

Time for bed.

 

Happy holidays to everyone!

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I've been feeling pretty awful recently. My dad died 9 days ago - he had Alzheimer's. I think I'm still in shock and haven't yet accepted that it's happened. 

 

 

I am so sorry for your loss carukia.  I lost my dad a couple of years ago so I know how you feel.  Depending if you were close to him or not, a love is always present. Permit yourself a good long time to grieve.  There is no time limit on grief, so don't let people tell you should be over it by now.  I was in shock too, as my fathers death was very unexpected.  Alzheimer's is a very emotional journey, and a very sad one for people to witness who love the one afflicted.  Especially a parent.  My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry.  Remember it is very important to give yourself permission to grieve.  It is said that you can talk with a newly departed love one for two weeks after they pass.  Whether this is true or not, talk with your dad, he will hear you.  I'm convinced because this worked for me.  My very best wishes to you and you and your father are in my prayers.

 

 

Thank you. :) Although we weren't that close when I was a child for various reasons, we grew very close over the last few years; particularly as his illness progressed.  

I've just been to see him at the Chapel of Rest with my family. He looked so peaceful, almost as if he was just asleep. There's no doubt about it, this is officially the worst Christmas ever. 

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First wanted to wish everyone here a Merry Christmas and say thank you for your help and support getting me through this year. 

 

I haven't posted in a couple weeks as I've been mostly down.  

In terms of depression I'm better than I have been but still searching for the right pdoc/med/therapist combination as I still have depressed days roughly 60% of the time each month.

In terms of loneliness, heartache, and longing, Christmas Eve and Day are the worst two days of the year as my wife loved this time of year more than any and did so much for me and my kids...the whole family.  And she held on to make it through this time of year so she wouldn't die during this holiday for her kids.  On Dec. 31st she said she was ready and we left for the hospital for the last time.  She passed on Jan 16.  An incredible, strong, and loving woman.  And I still miss her terribly...beyond any words I have in my vocabulary to express.  

 

Well this thread is for posting how we feel right now...and so it is.  

 

Thanks again to everyone and I hope each of you are able to find moments of peace during the holidays and that they don't totally suck the whole time! :)

 

Peace, 

PO

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I feel troubled. I see DF as extended family as well. I have enormous respect for the mods and know that they have a difficult job. But there are certain issues about the site I would like to discuss publicly and understand that I can't do that without risking being banned.

 

Actually I'm not even sure that this post isn't going to get me banned.

 

It would be nice if we were permitted to have a reasonable discussion about certain aspects of the forum.

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First wanted to wish everyone here a Merry Christmas and say thank you for your help and support getting me through this year. 

 

I haven't posted in a couple weeks as I've been mostly down.  

In terms of depression I'm better than I have been but still searching for the right pdoc/med/therapist combination as I still have depressed days roughly 60% of the time each month.

In terms of loneliness, heartache, and longing, Christmas Eve and Day are the worst two days of the year as my wife loved this time of year more than any and did so much for me and my kids...the whole family.  And she held on to make it through this time of year so she wouldn't die during this holiday for her kids.  On Dec. 31st she said she was ready and we left for the hospital for the last time.  She passed on Jan 16.  An incredible, strong, and loving woman.  And I still miss her terribly...beyond any words I have in my vocabulary to express.  

 

Well this thread is for posting how we feel right now...and so it is.  

 

Thanks again to everyone and I hope each of you are able to find moments of peace during the holidays and that they don't totally suck the whole time! :)

 

Peace, 

PO

 

{{{{{{{{{Pess}}}}} just :hugs:

 

Ditto.

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Merry Christmas friends. My gosh, I look back at the last 10 months and am so grateful I found this place and the lot of you that have become such an intregal part of my support team. All I can say is.... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

I am doing okay, I have my moments... still no job and still having some knee issues but overall, my days aren't as awful as they used to be.

 

I'm having technical issues with my computer which is another reason I haven't been around much.

 

Thinking good thoughts for you and sending massive hugs. ((((Hugs))))

Edited by freckledface

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I feel shaky and horrible from the Ritalin I've taken today. I can't study otherwise but I always regret it when I'm done. My heart is beating so fast, I'm sweaty and I'm having trouble typing this. I probably won't be able to sleep. I'll play skyrim until I get sleepy and it makes me want to cry that this video game is where I'd rather live right now and it's been months and months...

I want to cry and my boyfriend isn't there and won't return until the 30th (it's eternity for me...)

:tear2:

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I hope everyone is getting through the holidays okay.In my family we actually celebrate on Christmas Eve.So it was actually a pretty nice day and I had a nice time.Right now I feel ...well the sadness is always there but I`m so grateful for what I have.I hope all of you here at the DF  are getting through this day okay and if you`re not I hope things get better soon.I wish you all a Merry Christmas! :rudolf: :rudolf: :xmastree3: :xmastree3: :present: :present: :holidaylight: :holidaylight: :candycane: :candycane: :tree1: :tree1:

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It's the day before travel, which is always difficult for me. I thought I had some xanax at my desk, but I don't. I'll have to go downstairs to get it.

Our son is over and my husband made pancakes this morning and I ate a lot of them. They were so good. We also had eggs & bacon because you need some protein!!!!

 

I just have travel anxiety, that's all. It's worse when I travel with my family, although I did not make the flight arrangements.

A couple of things, I need to do for others (wrap a present for the guy who's cat-sitting & make list for him of cat related stuff).

 

I will not get much sleep tonight and that will weigh on me.

 

We're getting ready to visit my husband's dad in the nursing home. It's his first Christmas in the facility and they try to make it as nice as possible, but it's not ideal.

 

I'd say, I feel mostly stable today. Grateful that my tiny family can be together and grateful that we had a good breakfast.

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I'm feeling well today. I got my Xbox One for Christmas and a couple games with it and I gave my guinea pigs lots of treats and goodies for today. I also constructed an email to my crush, although I think I'm going to send it after Christmas has passed. Lots of drinks have been flowing and it's been great. I'm just getting ready to drink some more and utilize my Xbox as well for some Christmas entertainment. Overall, pretty good day!

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Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

I've had a hard day. I was triggered at a (different) church service (long story), and I wrote to the church authorities about it, because there was a practice being forced on everyone that is no longer allowed by church law, to the best of my understanding. I would've left right away if I'd known it was mandatory, but I didn't know it was being forced on everyone until it was too late, and then the guy was basically already forcing it on me - and didn't even speak much English, not that I wanted to try to explain myself in front of the crowd. I was flabbergasted, and once the trigger got too severe, I basically lost my presence of mind and went on autopilot. It was like being suddenly plunged back in the past. I went along with it for that reason, I lost all presence of mind, of my adult self, and felt like I had no choice because I was overwhelmed by this *****'s will and by peer pressure from the crowd, though they didn't understand anything (and neither did he, really, but what he did is so not allowed these days - and even in the past, he shouldn't have been so forceful about it). Everything was wrong, I felt like agency had been removed from me - in large part because of suddenly being in a childlike frame of mind - and I got extremely upset.

 

Needless to say, I'm not going back to that church ever again, but I had to report it. But then I started worrying about that, because I revealed highly personal things in the email. I was not at all in the right frame of mind. I didn't know what else to do, though, and I had to get it out of my system, and I couldn't just blurt it out to anybody. Even on here, this just isn't something I want to talk about, as I've felt it would not only trigger me all over again, but plunge me back into the past without an anchor. My old therapist warned about lowering myself into that pit alone, too; she said she thought I need an anchor, a trustworthy person to ground me in the present so I don't get swallowed by it all. I agree.

 

So I shot off that email, felt better, but then started worrying about "getting into trouble" again. People not believing me, writing something snide back (I have encountered breath-taking callousness like that before - and trust me, considering what I said in the message, that kind of response would probably be sociopathic, but I've had similar things happen). I'm just afraid that I'll be the one put on trial somehow. I don't know what else to say, or how to explain what I feel. I just have that horrible, black-hole feeling in my stomach, just like a little kid dreading getting in trouble for not leaving "well enough alone." But it isn't well enough, and that parish needs to be brought back into line. They're not allowed to do that anymore. I hope the wound isn't reopened again because of this. I don't think the office will reopen until Monday, and I so don't want to go into it all again. I'm telling myself that it might actually help, as long as they don't ask uncomfortable questions (which they really have no place to ask) about my history that I added by way of explanation to why it was so disturbing to me. I guess I could've just told them that X practice which is no longer allowed is going on, but I was just so engulfed in this storm when I wrote the email, I felt like I had to dump a bunch of stuff out.

 

Anyway, I know I'm not a little kid anymore and they really don't have power over me, except maybe socially...they have info that I don't want spread around, but it's out now. And it isn't my fault. Why do I feel like the guilty one? I've always felt this way - I was taught as a child to accept the weight of others' guilt.

 

I believe God is healing me, though. I believe I did the right thing by reporting it. I pray that the people on the other end do the right thing, too, and put a stop to what's going on there. But I did my part, and it's out of my hands now. I'll leave it to God, and if there is more I need to do later, I'm sure God will give me the strength to do that.

 

I'm trying to return to the joy of the season (much as I've been able to experience of it), and have a merry Christmas, too. :) I'm remembering that wonderful church I found yesterday (yeah, wish I could've just gone there again!), and that I'm going to return there.

 

Can't wait.

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