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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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On my mac in the studio room this afternoon going through old recordings. Listening to one of the last live shows I did...

"Got my family and I got all my friends. I've been lucky in my life" - Used to anyways.

 

Heard from my aunt and was asked if I was coming to my grandparents house for christmas. I'm really not in the mood for a family gathering. I'm the black sheep so why go anyways.

 

Took a shower and I'm probably going back to bed.

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Feeling somewhat less than of worth.  But it will probably pass.

Brian,

I'm sorry you feel that way. You are full of worth! For one thing, the work you're doing on your book sounds exciting and fulfilling.

Did your feelings have anything to do with your meeting with HR?

And I hope by the time you read this, the feelings have passed!

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Thank you, everyone!!!  It means a lot. :) I'm really glad to have such a warm and caring community here in DF. :Birthday12:

 

Well, I've had a busy day. The landlords showed up unexpectedly, with two potential candidates for the open room in tow. They both seemed very nice, and I'm hoping one of them moves in. She was very sweet and cheerful, and we got along well, so having her around would help me keep my spirits up and balance the house out, I think.

 

I wish I'd had more time to prepare and hadn't basically been in my pajamas with an oversized sweater thrown over, but, oh well. I think I handled it very well, except maybe one spot where the landlord talked to me about the girl who's moving out and basically told me to be careful not to force my will on people (I think she told them she felt uncomfortable with the house temperatures, though I really think she felt uncomfortable for other reasons, specifically my illness and depression, and the age gap thing didn't help - she's 20 or so), where I slipped back into defensive/negative mode. I hope "trouble" doesn't come of it, but I think things still ended on a positive note. The landlady did let me extend my lease to July 31st instead of June, so I wouldn't be in the lurch one month between here and moving to my new grad school. I hope I'll be good to move and everything around that time, not sure how the financing situation will work even though they're all funded programs I'm applying to.

 

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well, and glad to report I'm having a good day. I don't really know how to articulate it all right now, but I'm healing, and realizing so much about where I want and need to go, and how to get there. :)

 

Hugs and holiday blessings to you all!! :candycane: :xmastree3: :snowman1: :shovell: :rudolf: :tree1: :birfdayCake::rose:

Edited by frozen

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Feeling somewhat less than of worth.  But it will probably pass.

Brian,

I'm sorry you feel that way. You are full of worth! For one thing, the work you're doing on your book sounds exciting and fulfilling.

Did your feelings have anything to do with your meeting with HR?

And I hope by the time you read this, the feelings have passed!

 

 

Thanks you Dolphin!!!  Yes, the HR meeting was the catalyst.  It is clear that the only place they want me is back with my old boss, and I am terrified of him, for some irrational reason. Still, at least they are moving me to another project.  And I also believe/hope he will be easier to deal with for the three years I have remaining until retirement.  Heck, it's not all that bad, but I am just afraid the very presence of him will wear me down again.

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Happy Birthday, Frozen.  I'm glad you had a good day. 

 

My day was weird.  UPS delivered a package to my old address, which I'm not even sure where they got it, so I drove over there but it wasn't there.  The guy that lives there works for the FBI so I doubt he stole it.  Ha.  It's my Mother's present so tomorrow I'll have to go replace it.  I'm so not happy about that.  Then I backed into a midget size pole I didn't see.  It just scraped my car but still.  Next, what I thought would be a quick trip to Honey Baked Ham took an hour.  The line was crazy long out the door and down the sidewalk.  Though I did chop and saute some of the vegetables I'll be using in stuffing and other casseroles Friday I didn't get near enough done.  My intentions were to make the candy and wrap presents, but I just felt like the day needed a reset or I needed to take a break from it all.  So, I stopped at Red Box, got a movie, put it in and fell asleep for four hours.  When I woke up I had a text from the girl who manipulates the schedule telling me she'd be doing the scheduling from now on and did I want two days and one night or one night and two days.  Though I think the two day shifts will allow me to have a better quality of life I am so not thrilled about her doing the schedule.  I'm trying to tell myself to just go with it and see what she does.  This could be bad news, but it could also work out. 

 

I'm full of anxiety lately.  My shoulders are trying to swallow my head.  I need to let go of some of this stuff and just try to trust that things are working out as they're supposed to.  I know that in my heart but my stubborn head is still trying to manage every angle of everything and it's causing me anxiety.  Sometimes I get so tired of the way I wear myself out. 

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How I feel right now? I feel like the world is closing in on me. Like everything is getting smaller and my light is getting forever smaller. I'm not sure if I can continue this fight any longer. The pain is just too great. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Hi onlyme - please know that it's not only you here.  I am sorry that you r feeling like you are.  We have all been there.  Please stay with us.  In the down times, of which I have had many (too freakin many), it seems like there is no hope.  The truth is, there is hope.  Big warm hugs to you my friend!!!!  Please let us know how you are doing tomorrow :)

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This year really flew by.  Kind of depressed.  Holidays usually do that to me.

 

My mom, dad and I used to spend them together but they have passed.

 

My sister and I haven't spoken for six years.  She is a narcissist and bi-polar according to my therapist.  Things have fallen apart between her and I for so many years.  She has always tried to make me feel bad, and kind of shouts orders. Very controlling, manipulated my parent too which still makes me furious with her.  So I know if we spent Xmas together we would just fight.  We live about 2000 miles apart so I think I am safe.

 

Probably spend Xmas with some friends.  Anything is better than dealing with my toxic sister.

 

This might sound cold, but I've learned through my depression I cannot allow any undo stress in my life, and have to make sacrifices.

 

Hope everyone else has a good Christmas.  And 2016,,,,a new beginning for all of us. 

Edited by highanxiety

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My anxiety is surpassing my medicines capability. I'm trying to push myself to do fun holiday activities with my kids, and that's been good for all of us. But, when I am on my own, the heaviness of my depression, and anxiety is constant

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Thanks to all for the support and kind words. Christmas is a very hard time for me. My oldest daughter passed away on Christmas in 1979. You never really get over a loss of that magnitude and sometimes if just overwhelms me. I feel better now but will be even better when the holidays are over and I don't have to fake happiness for the sake of others.

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Wow I can relate to a lot of you guys. Nice to have a place where we all can relate to each other and understand.

 

How do I feel right now? Angry. Depressed. Hopeless. Lost. Lonely.

Angry because my uncle's mom passed away, I loved her, she was a friend to me, very important and she was one of the nicest people and she had to pass away. I am not angry at HER or anyone, I don't know if there is a God, but if he is real, well I am angry he took her away from her family. I am angry she had to die on Christmas eve out of all days. Earlier this year a week after my birthday my latest dog had to be put down because she was sick.

 

Depressed because of well what I said above. Plus other things going on in my life. I'm always depressed but wow, this really makes it worst. Well hopeless, lost, lonely all are signs of depression so those all go together for me.

 

BRB, I have some alcohol to drink. Course knowing I'm really depressed, I am going to get REALY depressed. alcohol is weird, I can be in a good mood and I don't get depressed or sometimes I can. However when I am depressed I feel a little okay, but then crash. I just don't know what to do :(

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Doing pretty well.

 

I woke up kind of anxious, though. I think it was chemical, hadn't eaten yet. And I started worrying I'd set the thermostat too high - it was weird, though: last night, the low temp was supposed to be really high, like 49F, yet it was freezing in my room. I couldn't understand it. The insulation is terrible in there as I've said, but still. Maybe the weather report was way off or something. Anyway, I set it high, and it wasn't too warm (which can also wake me up, my bed being right beside the vents), so it must've been cold in my room, whatever the reports.

 

But the worry kinda fed into the anxiety, and I've been strangely agitated even though nothing's wrong and I'm actually in a good mood, working on a story all day. Weird little worries seem to keep catching my thoughts, but they're so off point that I keep putting them away; it's just that they keep popping up. I'm wondering if it's the old fear that I'll slip back into old ways. It's just habit, and I'm not living that way, so it's just a matter of keeping my behavior on track so I don't turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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I'm not really feeling the holidays. I haven't felt the holiday spirit in a couple years and I miss it a lot. I'm excited for my gifts tomorrow, as I know I'm going to be receiving a Xbox One and I'm so thankful because my Xbox 360 freezes all the time and has no storage at all. I think I'm going to take a bath and then drink and watch a Christmas movie (any suggestions?). 

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I'm feeling pretty stressed out from putting doing Christmas stuff off until today.  Stress makes me do weird things.  I drooped my cup full of coffee on the floor, cut myself on it, blood makes me feel like I'm going to faint so I just went to bed.  I pored my cats water into the garbage instead of the sink. I got a migraine for a while.  I hope I don't have anymore weird things happen tonight. 

 

Teddy545 :  I hope your foot is ok.!   I've been dropping stuff, or putting things away in the wrong places too.  Christmas is stressful.  Hope you have a better day tomorrow!

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Well my Christmas is off to a great start - can't sleep because my back hurts like hell and everything is dizzy because I forgot to pack my meds. I will now probably be accused of either being antisocial or hating my family when I retire to my room to take an inevitable nap

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This will be a quiet Xmas for me, and in a way, I'm relieved.   It has always been tough having to fly half way across the country to be with my sister and her family, the next day wanting to get on a plane back home.  Like I said in a previous post, after my Dad died a few years ago, my sister and I haven't spoke to one another.   Before my Dad passed, I flew with him to my sisters for the holidays.  Mostly to be there for him because most times they would ignore him which broke my heart.  

 

Then my Dad and I spent Christmas together and always had a great time.  Miss him a lot, especially now.

 

I guess I kind of lost the Christmas spirit during my 28 years working in retail, where Christmas started in October with Christmas music and decorations up.  By the time you are so burn't out dealing with that plus working crazy long hours.  Christmas day was a time to rest, but I knew I would have to be back at work at 6 am for the frantic after xmas sale.  For anyone working retail right now, my condolences.

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Trying to stay positive for Christmas and it's not exactly working but I'm just going to keep trying.

I would like to thank every single one of you guys on the forum for being so supportive and amazing. I may not be there for you guys physically but just remember that I always think of you guys. (((Hugs))

I love you guys and Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!

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I now understand what people mean when they say their heart is so torn, in so much pain, that death in any way/form will seem like the greatest possible relief :cry:

Hang in there Misanthrop. I can completely relate. I'm so lonely.  Drag myself to wake up. I'm trying to do everything I can to keep me busy. Trying hard not to slip away.

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