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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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I feel like I should be very happy today but I'm not. I received my second quarter grades today (straight As) and a 101 on my math final but all I could think was that I didn't put nearly as much effort into my grades as I could have and why would I have these grades then? I went to therapy this afternoon and I found that pretty helpful and then I decided to do a super late night yoga practice which was great. I just hate feeling like this. Good things that happen to me don't make me feel better and bad things don't affect me much. I just want to feel something  :yuck:

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My friend Benjamin sent me some old demo versions of songs from my best performing years as far as music goes. 2008 through 2011... Short period of roughly 4 years but during that time I was recording albums, performing and actually enjoyed doing it. My "electronic" stage of life so to speak. Anyways, listening to these demos brings back memories that make me miss the good times. One of these songs is "Silicon World" - my friend Ally (who I no longer speak to) heard me seeing it once and thought the first opening lines where about a squirrel... It actually was on my second electronic album, EN2 and that album in itself holds a lot of memories. The first one of the Eiffel Night Trilogy was only put out to see if anyone actually liked my change in genre. EN2 was a big release for me because it followed Crazy Loop... A dance character myself and my friend Dan created and made an album for. The album allowed us to tour. There were plenty of acts to go along. My 2 electronic albums worth of material, Crazy Loop material and Dans own stuff.

 

We followed that up with EN3 which was the very best release... Toured until I started having medical issues (seizures) and shortly after family problems began then I lost Natalie for awhile. That hurt because she was really the only person who cared about me at the time. For awhile we lost touch then I heard from her and things where back on/off.

 

After awhile I wanted to see if I could get back to my best and was ready to release a new electronic album - Crash Test. Made a music video and released a single. Before releasing the album completely I handed a few copies out to see what some of my friends thought of it. Even gave one copy to Natalie and that simply killed me.

 

She was disappointed in me... And things between us completely shut off. She had every reason to be disappointed. Every reason in the world to never talk to me again or even want to. I removed her from Facebook for awhile.

 

2008 to 2013... I was at my best and at my very worst in terms of being happy to being depressed then onto suicidal.

 

For awhile I stopped recording anything but got into building guitars. Some of you here have seen them.

 

So that brings to me to where I am now... I didn't start on any guitars for this winter because I've been too depressed to get myself in the mood for it.

Every girl I do manage to ask out rejects me... My friends have all gone... My family is a mess... Just a lonely musician or I was a musician at one point. Now I'm just a lonely nobody. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

 

My guitar is blue...

Like my car... It's a Civic Si...

Blue are the words I say and what I think...

Blue are the feelings that live inside me...

 

I'm blue da ba dee da ba die...

 

The one song that I remember hearing on the radio when I was a little kid is what I have become.

Thing is I no longer have a girlfriend and I probably will never have another one or even come close to finding someone who really understands me. Maybe Natalie did... Maybe she didn't... But at least she seemed to care about me at one time or another... I just wish she still did.

 

- Travis

 

Sorry for the long post...

Edited by roadking02

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don't know if it's even worth posting can't get out of bed. I feel sick with depression. Last couple weeks I have been feeling suicidal although I know right now it doesn't make logical sense to go through with it.

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don't know if it's even worth posting can't get out of bed. I feel sick with depression. Last couple weeks I have been feeling suicidal although I know right now it doesn't make logical sense to go through with it.

Realreason, it's worth posting because many of us feel the same way. Just knowing someone else has been struggling in a way similar to mine helps me. So I'm selfish and glad that you posted, but unhappy that you have been feeling suicidal.

Please call a hotline if you're feeling that bad. 1 800 273-8255.

Sending you hugs over the Internet and hoping you feel better soon.

:hugs:

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I'm noticing the sun this morning after a few dreary gray days. Days will be getting longer, little by little.

I woke up keenly aware of how much I missed my friend who died in May, who I only found out about a couple of days ago.

I'm making myself make some breakfast. Maybe for me & my spouse. Spouse is on vacation finally.

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don't know if it's even worth posting can't get out of bed. I feel sick with depression. Last couple weeks I have been feeling suicidal although I know right now it doesn't make logical sense to go through with it.

(((((((Realreason)))))) So sorry you've been feeling this way.. I've been there myself.... no, it doesn't make sense to go through with it. Do call a crisis line if you are in trouble and need support. We're here too if you need to unload what's going on for you (((((hugs))))

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I feel anxious --- giving my input at work makes me anxious. Yesterday I received some criticism over an example I provided and I was like "ouch" that hurt.

 

I want to prove that I have valuable input, but I feel that I just butt heads in terms of how I view things, and how they view things. They're so caught up in the visuals, and I'm focused on content. I need to take a step back and incorporate both views, but I'm worried that they're ignoring the content piece too.

Edited by havehope

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Don't know, I have been staying up late and writing into the wee hours and drinking too much.  This is going to have to stop when i get back to work, but right now I am really trying to make hay on my book.  I have been writing it since 2010, and I am so desperate to finish it!!!

 

It's a little like what roadking said above about being ill and creative at the same time.  I feel like I need to drink in order to get over my anxiety and dive into the writing.  Good thing is, I am not overdoing it to the point of getting really drunk, but still... at some point I am going to need to stop,

 

Today, more writing, errands, and take the kids out for dinner.

 

Cheers, all

 

Bri

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I feel like I am standing in a stream of depressed and anxious thoughts and feelings but that the water is not very deep, so I am mostly "out" of the stream rather than in it.  Not sure if the water level is rising or falling though. 

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I was just about to write something positive, but then just got wrist slapped by my boss, yet again. :( I swear, I feel like everything I do and say is just wrong in her eyes. She's so harsh towards me --- no mannerisms. Geez. It just automatically deflates me every single time.

 

On the plus side, I think I'm turning a bit of a corner --- present all the data! People cannot ignore the data that backs up my points and suggestions. It is so simple, why I didn't think of this before, I don't know. And I knew my job was data-focused, I just haven't been using it enough.

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I feel like I am standing in a stream of depressed and anxious thoughts and feelings but that the water is not very deep, so I am mostly "out" of the stream rather than in it. Not sure if the water level is rising or falling though.

I suppose water is falling, well Christmas around ...and people need plenty of water to clean their households. So no fear. And after the Christmas Eve again the same, diswashers will be used a lot. Hope you are calmer now.

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On my mac in the studio room this afternoon going through old recordings. Listening to one of the last live shows I did...

"Got my family and I got all my friends. I've been lucky in my life" - Used to anyways.

 

Heard from my aunt and was asked if I was coming to my grandparents house for christmas. I'm really not in the mood for a family gathering. I'm the black sheep so why go anyways.

 

Took a shower and I'm probably going back to bed.

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Feeling somewhat less than of worth.  But it will probably pass.

Brian,

I'm sorry you feel that way. You are full of worth! For one thing, the work you're doing on your book sounds exciting and fulfilling.

Did your feelings have anything to do with your meeting with HR?

And I hope by the time you read this, the feelings have passed!

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