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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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I am doing a little better than yesterday.  I had too much caffeine yesterday. It has an ill effect on me and brings out something obnxious in my character.  I should know better than to use caffeine too much.  But at least yesterday is over and I get a new chance to start life over again. 

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It was a long week last week.  A very long week.  I'm feeling tired and tired of working, but I handled something difficult at work on Saturday without breaking down so I'm pretty proud of myself for that.  This is my last day off before Christmas... I'm so ready to get back to the slower times at work.  

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I have failed. I am a failure as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a man. I cannot make people happy np matter how hard I try. All I get for my efforts is verbal and mental abuse from people who are supposed to love and support me. I am feeling as though the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I don't know how to make things better.

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Bit nervous. I have various worries flapping about in the back of my mind, ruffling the feelings of calm and good humor that have collected there recently. It's partly money. I haven't been able to make my credit card payments. I hope to next month, when the financial aid comes in for school, but I'll still be stretched so thin at that point that I'm tempted not to. I'm actually wondering about declaring bankruptcy...

 

My anxiety is partly because I feel I should contact the bank and try to explain to them, but I'm afraid of money being seized from my checking account - I need that to live on. Can they do that? Or do they do that? Maybe they already would have if so..

 

Plus, part of the mess I've been intermittently making myself clean in preparation for my landlord's visit tomorrow is piled up mail, and I don't feel good when I look through some of the unidentified envelopes. If they don't tell me who it's from, I usually don't open it. I'm worried. But I can't make payments anyway, so I'm not going to waste energy in worrying, and just put it away in my room out of the way. The mess isn't terrible. I just find it more manageable breaking it up into 10-15 minute assignments throughout the day. Easier, and I'm more likely to actually get each assignment done.

Hi frozen,

Speaking from experience with credit cards: they just care that you make regular payments. It's your credit rating that will suffer if you don't. Credit card companies like that your balance is accruing interest, so as long as you can make some kind of payment on a regular basis, that's fine for them.

If your credit rating suffers--and you can check this for free from a variety of sources--it is more difficult to get bank loans to buy a house or car.

When my mom died 3 years ago, I let a month go by without paying--and usually we pay off our credit card debt each month--the bank which holds the card called me and I explained what had happened. They were very understanding. And it was funny, at that moment, I was using their online payment system and was wondering how much to send...

Now that my balance is uncomfortably high, I'm paying as much as I can every month and trying not to spend so much (December is a bad month for that!), until I pay it down. But I make sure I pay something every month.

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I have failed. I am a failure as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a man. I cannot make people happy np matter how hard I try. All I get for my efforts is verbal and mental abuse from people who are supposed to love and support me. I am feeling as though the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I don't know how to make things better.

(((((dave)))))) So sorry you're feeling this way... if you're receiving verbal and mental abuse, would you consider leaving the relationship(s) that are causing this? No one deserves to be made to feel badly about themselves, and no one deserves abuse. It erodes self-esteem and self-worth, when happening for a lengthy period of time... even if short-term, it works at someone's self-esteem and brings someone to feel the sentiments you are expressing. Please do take care of your self-worth... you are important, your feelings are important, and you matter in this world. No other should make you feel otherwise. ((((hugs))))

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I have failed. I am a failure as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a man. I cannot make people happy np matter how hard I try. All I get for my efforts is verbal and mental abuse from people who are supposed to love and support me. I am feeling as though the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I don't know how to make things better.

 

Hi Dave.  I am sorry you are feeling this way.  I have been there, and it sucks.  Please consult someone, hotline, therapist, if you are feeling so down.  Life can, and will, change but you must be open to seeking help.  I really have nothing more to say than I have been there and I know that some situations seem untenable, and maybe they are, but we can do something about them.  We really can, but, in my experience, it takes help.  Best to you!!!!

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I have failed. I am a failure as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a man. I cannot make people happy np matter how hard I try. All I get for my efforts is verbal and mental abuse from people who are supposed to love and support me. I am feeling as though the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I don't know how to make things better.

Daveb, I clicked like to let you know I read your post.

I do NOT like that people are verbally abusing you.

Here at the DF and in Depression Central, we want to support you. And I, for one do not think you're a failure!

Needing support is not failing. Nobody is perfect. And I'm sorry there are those people in your life.

 

It's a fact that when you have depression, your brain chemistry is not doing what it's supposed to do. And while there are always things you can do to help your brain chemistry, sometimes the dysfunction is stronger than all your efforts.

 

One of the things depression does is make you feel guilty for every little thing. Please know that it's the depression talking and with treatment, you can come out of it.

 

Are you on medication or seeing a doctor about this? If not, I hope you can get treated soon. You are most definitely worth feeling well!

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Thanks to everyone for their advice on solving my constipation issues. It's the medication I am on which causes this.  My pharmacist confirmed this.  

 

I am happy to state I had a bowel movement today.  :smile:

♪ ♫ ♬ Oh duck, maybe Mikayla will come along and write another poem for you :smile:

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I am doing alright today.  Still dreading going back to work for my boss on Jan. 4, but, other than that my writing is going well (with the exception of not hearing back from my adviser.  I am revising Chapter 5 (of about 16 total) and am awaiting comments/edits from him on chapter 2 (promised to me by last Thursday).  I paid $3,500 for this?  It all wraps up in April, which means at this rate he will help me with about 25% of the book.  Cheese and Crackers!!!

 

Best to everyone today!!!

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I feel horrible right now... the medication for this body rash is making me very foggy and sleepy. I want to take a sick day but can't. Still really itchy and uncomfortable. I have to push through work, and work is challenging today. I have to go Christmas shopping after work and am not up for it. Ugh.

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Thanks to everyone for their advice on solving my constipation issues. It's the medication I am on which causes this. My pharmacist confirmed this.

I am happy to state I had a bowel movement today. :smile:

♪ ♫ ♬ Oh duck, maybe Mikayla will come along and write another poem for you :smile:

Here comes the virtual drop

moving bowels

moving mood to the positive mode

side effects suck and the word f***

is frequently used.

Care not, you'll manage it, duck.

:))))))))))))

:))))))))

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I've been feeling pretty awful recently. My dad died 9 days ago - he had Alzheimer's. I think I'm still in shock and haven't yet accepted that it's happened.

I am so terribly sorry, ((((((carukia))))) My heartfelt condolences; there is just no grief quite like the sorrow that comes with losing a loved one -

Edited by mulberrypie

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Carukia, sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It is a bitter pill to swallow (I lost mine in 1984), but we do survive.

I'm feeling lazy. I am AT work, but that's about it. I don't think any of my coworkers are getting much done today, either! Guess we're all looking for to the Christmas holiday; 5 days off this year including the weekend!

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I've been feeling pretty awful recently. My dad died 9 days ago - he had Alzheimer's. I think I'm still in shock and haven't yet accepted that it's happened.

I am so terribly sorry, ((((((carukia))))) My heartfelt condolences; there is just no grief quite like the sorrow that comes with losing a loved one -

 

 

 

Carukia, sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It is a bitter pill to swallow (I lost mine in 1984), but we do survive.

I'm feeling lazy. I am AT work, but that's about it. I don't think any of my coworkers are getting much done today, either! Guess we're all looking for to the Christmas holiday; 5 days off this year including the weekend!

 

Thank you to both of you. It's very tough but at least he's not suffering anymore.

Hope you enjoy your 5 days off, flight.

:) 

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I feel OK, I guess. Trying not to worry, about problems with roommates, money, credit card payments I can't make, phone calls I feel too intimidated to make...etc.

 

The landlord's coming by today to do the new lease. (My rent is going up! Grrr.) But this place is still cheap compared to what else is out there, and I'm relieved they're still willing to renew my lease; the rent was late a couple times this semester...although actually I'm always worried about people wanting to get out of any kind of relationship with me at the first opportunity. There doesn't have to be a reason why, or any concrete thing that I've done wrong (and socially, I always seem to imagine I've done a bunch of things wrong). I think it goes back to the ever-present fear as a child of getting into trouble through transgressing ever-shifting, amorphous, lunatic, and always implicit "rules" which were always invoked to claim that why I was at fault for not being loved, accepted, or approved. 

 

*sigh* Been fighting bitterness lately, though I've honestly been mostly keeping in a good mood...when I don't let myself drift.

 

I turn 31 in two days. That might be part of it. Some of the most infernally malicious abuse was directed toward me around this time of year.

 

But I'm not dwelling on that. I've got a bunch of books to read for spring classes, plus I allowed myself a few self-indulgent gems I've been wanting to get into for a while. I'm firmly keeping hold of the reins of my emotions (and it's surprisingly manageable when I stick to my resolutions, including redirecting myself when I do drift, as I'm bound to as a human being), and I'm going to dig into those books. On my birthday, too, I'm going to treat myself somehow, even if it's just by going out to eat and taking a walk at the local park or something. :)

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I'm so groggy as I took a 6 hour nap after taking Benadryl this morning and I'm feeling quite isolated and down. I hate being at home for weeks during these holiday breaks with such limited social interaction and nothing to do. My one close friend is off in Arizona for the holidays and others are with their family. I just wish I could feel better, my psych keeps prescribing higher and higher does of my AD but nothing works. I'm reading The Hours by Michael Cunningham and *spoilers* I wish I had the strength to weigh myself down with stones and drown, as that's how I feel anyway. 

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I've been feeling pretty awful recently. My dad died 9 days ago - he had Alzheimer's. I think I'm still in shock and haven't yet accepted that it's happened.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Carukia. I went into shock after a loss and a good friend reminded me to take care of my physical self during that time. She encouraged me to drink lots of water and rest. Sending you healing thoughts.

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my psych keeps prescribing higher and higher does of my AD but nothing works.

Be careful with just taking higher and higher doses. These are potent drugs. Especially if they're not working and you feel like this, anyway, there doesn't seem to be a point to just taking what the doctor hands you. Sounds to me like s/he isn't listening. You might want to read up on your AD, or ADs in general, especially in terms of complications with higher doses. Not to mention side effects. Plus, some people don't get better with drugs, or even get worse.

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I wrapped up a project, that may or may not entice a potential client into becoming an actual client.

I felt a as good as if I'd submitted my last paper for the year when I was in grad school.

Anyway, it was a good feeling.

I am very sleepy right now but we're going to have dinner soon. Chili. Sweet potatoes. Maybe tortilla chips or just tortillas...Maybe I'm hungrier than sleepy....

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So my landlord simply never showed. No message to let me know, much less an apology.

 

So rude, these people. It's not the first time they've shown such total lack of consideration, and not the worst example of it, by far.

 

Trying to keep my spirits up, but pain and loneliness have been tugging at me. Trying to think of things that might lift my spirits.

 

I know I'm procrastinating with the remaining grad school applications, but the whole process exhausts and intimidates me. Maybe tomorrow.

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