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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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We buried Juanita today, the sadness was almost overbearing for me but not so much for her but for her husband, children, father and family. My wife has lost her mother, brother, our daughter and now eldest sister. Here's the hard part for me and what causes mental anguish: A.they come to me asking for something I can't deliver or B.in a sense they use me as proxy and take their anger at God.

I feel your pain.  I lost a cousin back in August. Monica was about to board a flight at LaGuardia  Airport to return to her home in Florida after spending three months with her ailing mom in NYC.  She began coughing non-stop at the airport and was taken to hospital where she died. She went from being very healthy to death in one hour.  

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It's a sunny day here, breezy and cool. No more leaves on trees. Almost Solstice.

It's the anniversary of the day my mom died--she died at 12:40 AM, Pacific Time in 2012, so not too long ago.

She had been gradually losing her cognitive abilities and about 3 years before she died, that loss became much more severe. 7 months before her death, she was in a memory care facility. She ultimately died of a heart attack, which caused a fall.

I arrived at her hospital bed just in time. She was unconscious, on morphine, but for a long time she hadn't been the mom I remembered and loved and fought with.

A few months after she died, a friend died and then in July of 2013, another friend died. By that time I was severely depressed. I began to take meds again in August 2013 and two years later, I can say that I am recovering from depression, on a daily basis.

Still, today, I feel tired and subdued. I wish my mom could see me today, how stable I am, how well my son is doing and my husband too. I don't blame her for anything--or rather, what ill things she did to me in our early life together--she had no way of knowing how I would be affected. So I forgive her in an active way. I am no longer a victim of her ill will or ignorance.

*sigh*

Dolphin,

I am so sorry for all of your losses.  I know how this feels.  I have lost a brother, niece, father, grandaughter,  and two aunts in the last couple of years.  I also ended an engagement two years ago, started meds six months ago and feel as if I'm just now coming out of severe depression.  I had posted these losses on facebook and a woman reached out to me in a private message and educated me a bit about complex grief.  I hadn't ever heard the term but it fit me.  I was pretty hard on myself for taking so long to get through the grieving cycle.  Not that you are claiming that happened to you, but for me it felt like a little to much to deal with and I spiraled down pretty far.  Cheers to you for finding a way to continue to reach for health. 

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I have come to a fork in the road. Unlike Harry Caray, I can't just "take it" (some of you may get that reference, but most probably will not). I've worked at this place for 27 years and have put a lot of myself into it. By all accounts, I've been a good employee and indeed was promoted to a fairly high position within the organization--maybe too high, given my difficulty keeping up with everything. I'm 56 years old and I can't retire yet without taking a substantial loss. And, because of the divorce, my ex gets half of my pension.

 

Lately, my boss has been riding my @ss hard. On Sunday evening, my daughter called to say she needed help on Monday. I then sent a message to my boss and said I wouldn't be in on Monday. Yesterday, he marched into my office to announce that he had determined it was an unexcused absence--and he gave it to me in writing. This is the first time this has ever happened in all my years here. He's been getting on me about other stuff too. Meanwhile, all kinds of shenanigans are going on elsewhere in the organization that are having very negative effects on morale and the bottom line. But I get whacked for calling in to announce my absence the day before. I've actually been in this place for 22 years longer than my boss. All of my cohorts are retiring in the next year or two.

 

I make decent money but most of it goes towards monthly maintenance payments to my ex (who, as a shopaholic, has dug a monstrous hole of debt, much of which is still in my name (in spite of a divorce decree saying it shouldn't be). My daughter is on my health care plan until she's 26 (5 years from now) so she's relying on me to stay working here. I'm living in a dumpy apartment with no cable TV or internet, while my ex and daughter continue living the high life in the house (which still has my name on the mortgage too). 

 

Seriously, I just want to up and walk. Take a beating with my pension and just move far away and become somebody else.

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(((hope)))  Monica, please call someone if you are in trouble.  Thinking of you!

 

I really love this site and the people on it, and I am so glad that MOST people seem to know how to word their posts gently and with respect for the feelings of the person they are addressing.  

 

Thank you.

 

Brian

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Dear HH - I haven't engaged with you because you know me, a straight shooter. I feel you are going around in circles and not deciding to find internal peace, regardless of what is going on around you. You are allowing external things to determine your mood. We all have our own personal drama, but when you "feed" the drama instead of find a way to make peace with it, you're hurting yourself. Renee gave you some good advice. The question to ask yourself is "what need am I meeting by continuing in this way?" Is it my need for attention? Is it easier to not change if it's always someone else's fault? You are very kind to others, but I hope you will do a kindness to yourself and ask these questions.

 

Either leave the job or spend your energy learning how not to internalize your boss' behavior. Either stay in your relationship with the good and bad, or leave it. Weeks and months of going over the same ground is "crazy-making". What need are you meeting by remaining a victim?

 

Trust me, we've all arrested in our development in different areas. My own brother thinks I act like a victim. That hurts. Granted, he's a bit of a blowhard, but I think there may be some truth in it. We depressives have to work extra hard to take personal responsibility for doing everything we can to be well in our minds. We can say we have a condition and use that as an excuse to be unwell, or we can say we have a condition and therefore it's more challenging to be well. See the difference?

 

I would like to see you put all your energy seeking internal peace instead of wasting energy on outside stuff. It's a choice.

I am still angry and hurt by this post. I feel very targeted, and unfairly called out and picked upon. This post is cloaked in messages of caring or concern, but really, it is judgmental and harsh.

 

I was actually physically shaking yesterday as a result of this post. I have PTSD, and this was triggered... it was very triggering for me, and for several people who PM'd me to ask if I was OK.

 

I will not accept this kind of treatment.... not here or anywhere. I have been beaten up enough in my life, and don't need to be here as well.

 

As I mentioned before, I no longer feel safe here as a result, and will probably stop posting.

 

I am tired of being targeted, picked on, beaten up, and accused... I think suicide is a better option.

 

Have hope I have had that happen to me , I went apes***,I was shaking in rage for two hours and other people were trying to calm me down on a chat,someguy made a comment I perceived as a attack and I started telling him off,telling him he needs to not be a rude d**k when he greets people,it escalated from there.You can block people so you don,t see there posts if you get upset,hang in there your going thru alot of stress,now it can be very difficult to have good judgment under those circumstances.

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JD4010, sorry you have to pay maintenance fees.  How old is your wife's kid which I presume is your daughter as well?  How long more do you have to pay maintenance fees?

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The plumber just called. He will be here in one hour to look at my hot water tank which has been giving lukewarm water for the past three days.  I hope it's only the dip-tube that is broken which will cost me about $200. I should be able to do this repair myself but I guess that is not happening today. The part cost only $6.

 

Yesterday I called the plumber and he said he will be here on Thursday so I told him I will be home all day. The guy came on Wednesday and is mad at me for not being at home.

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JD4010, sorry you have to pay maintenance fees.  How old is your wife's kid which I presume is your daughter as well?  How long more do you have to pay maintenance fees?

 

My daughter is 21 and she's in college. Maintenance payments will continue until the sun burns out, or I croak...whichever comes first.

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...and, in light of the ongoing discussion, I'm going to let go of my resentment towards my boss. I get paid and I enjoy what we do at this organization.

 

All things considered, I don't have it that bad. Sorry for the whining, folks.

Edited by JD4010

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Plumber cannot fix hot water tank so I have to replace it cost $1250.00 plus tax.    OUCH!!!!!

 

Gawd.

 

I swear, these tanks aren't as durable as they used to be. It wasn't uncommon for them to last 25+ years back in the day, but now you're lucky to get 10 years out of them.

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JD4010, sorry you have to pay maintenance fees.  How old is your wife's kid which I presume is your daughter as well?  How long more do you have to pay maintenance fees?

 

My daughter is 21 and she's in college. Maintenance payments will continue until the sun burns out, or I croak...whichever comes first.

 

Do you have to pay the wife too?

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Currently feeling awful. The weather is also wet and dark, which doesn't help, and right now my light box just seems to be giving me a headache instead of helping. It's finals time and I've already turned in one term paper late, got a C on a paper in what was supposed to be my easy GPA boosting class for the semester, and I had a term paper due for another class yesterday at five that's still not done. I know I'm loosing my scholarship next semester, so I'll go from not having to pay tuition to having no financial aid. I'm in a program that's essentially an honors minor that gives an honors certificate, but I feel like I'm a fraud who doesn't deserve it since I've lost all my motivation to do school work and my GPA is awful. I also waited too long to go back to the psychiatrist this year, so I'm just getting up to my full Wellbutrin dosage now when I needed medication to start being effective a month ago. I just want to be done with college and get on with my life.

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Plumber cannot fix hot water tank so I have to replace it cost $1250.00 plus tax.    OUCH!!!!!

 

Gawd.

 

I swear, these tanks aren't as durable as they used to be. It wasn't uncommon for them to last 25+ years back in the day, but now you're lucky to get 10 years out of them.

.

yea this one is only eleven years old.  My first tank lasted 27 years.

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I just want to add to my post above... since I neglected to say this, but I am so very grateful to all those who have been supportive to me on here.. I truly appreciate all of you, and those who have been so very kind to me and understanding. So thanks everyone.

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JD4010, sorry you have to pay maintenance fees.  How old is your wife's kid which I presume is your daughter as well?  How long more do you have to pay maintenance fees?

 

My daughter is 21 and she's in college. Maintenance payments will continue until the sun burns out, or I croak...whichever comes first.

 

Do you have to pay the wife too?

 

 

Yeah, that's actually who I'm paying.

 

My motto should be, "I'm broke, but I'm free". Hahaha.

Edited by JD4010

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Pressure's off for a bit. My next grad school deadlines aren't until January.

 

*expansive sigh* It feels so good to be able to breathe. I'm hoping to get into some reading, a light book or two thrown in to balance the onslaught of school reading I'm doing in preparation for next semester. I've discovered the wonderful world of Bob the Street-Cat. :) Adorable, light stuff, perfect for the holiday season.

 

I also have a bunch of new ideas I want to pursue, about career paths and story ideas... Ah, vacations. So nice, but alas, never long enough.

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So well articulated, Lauryn, and thank you so much for posting that! I, too, hope that this remains to be a safe place for us all to post, give and receive support, as it has been most the time.

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I'm having an okay day. My knee is hurting, so I've not done any exercise. My husband is going away on a business trip, leaving tonight and coming back on Sunday.

I'll get to bingewatch my shows! but I'm sad too. We went out for lunch and then went to visit his dad. Tomorrow I'm doing stuff with my son. I will probably call a friend of mine to see if she wants to go out for breakfast or coffee some time on Saturday...

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I am feeling both excited and overwhelmed about Christmas.  I'm not having it at my house this year, which alleviates some of the stress.  Ha.  I don't have to clean and I'm not doing the huge Christmas tree.  In fact, I don't think I'll do one at all this year.  I'm going to stick to putting my energy into the stuff I do like to do, which is make candy for my family and residents and buy each member of my family an ornament.  I've been doing that for years and it's become a tradition.  I like the idea of them having something to remember me by when I'm gone and purchasing them with their personalities in mind is fun.  My daughter is very practical and she buys my granddaughter clothes that, should she have a boy, he could wear.  So, I bought her some girly clothes and can't wait to see her in them.  I also got them musical instruments and books.  When I look back on my life and recognize places where I was in states of depression it was music and reading and cooking that really helped me through.  I want them to appreciate those things too.

 

I hope you all have a lovely day.

 

HH, I am sorry if I added to your stress.  I know what it's like to have PTSD and get triggered.  I would never intentionally do that to anyone.  I love what the moderator said about always treating someone as if they're fragile.  You did not ask for advice and in hindsight I wish I would have kept my opinions to myself.  They are just that, opinions.  Please know that it came from a place of concern for you.  I have learned something about not offering advice if it's not asked for.  I seem to always look for ways to "help" people think of things in a different way and will try to be more cognizant of where people are.  I don't really even understand your job.  Ha.   Us know it all types, like me, can be a pain in the you know what.  

 

Well, off to work for me.  Boo to that... 

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Lauryn, I just wanted to say thanks, too. Your post really helped me as well. :) And you're so right - I read all of the post in question, and it was even more upsetting than the part I read yesterday that made me stop reading because of feeling triggered. I don't know what I'd do if I was the person it was directed against - I'd certainly be feeling as awful as HH, but probably much, much worse, because I've been very fragile for a long time now due to so much happening. Like I said to her, we never really know on here what someone's been through or how close to the edge they are.

 

The fact that we're here in the first place is reason enough to treat people gently. In addition to traumas, PTSD, situational agonies, and the like, there are all kinds of brain chemistry issues involved here that can cause very, very different psychological (and behavioral) responses to things than what some people might deem "logical." You just don't know where someone's coming from; they could be right on the edge. This place could be a lifeline that seems suddenly untrustworthy.

 

It was especially upsetting with this post because HH had clearly been struggling for so long, and it was obvious she already felt so beleaguered. I just can't see how something like that could possibly have been seen as helpful - it seemed written for the benefit of the writer, not the recipient. I don't think it should be acceptable to suddenly engage people with criticism in order to satisfy our own (self-)ruffled feathers.

 

And that's the kicker: Irony of ironies, the writer was the one making a choice to get so riled up about a situation that had nothing to do with her, over which she had no control (and no stake), choosing to let that get to her so much that she publicly posted a bunch of unsolicited judgement, in an obviously emotional and ruffled way. That post reads like a guilt-trip meant to make someone question and blame themselves, and HH was in no position to handle something like that even if it had been true (which I don't believe it was, at all...that, as I said, is kinda proven by the post itself, by the fact that the author felt compelled to write it in the first place). It seems pretty clear that this was a case of someone being set off by being reminded of things they're not comfortable with in themselves...maybe reacting to others in a way that echoes hurtful input they've had in their own past. No excuse, certainly, but maybe something to keep in mind if we get really set off by others who are doing us no harm and whose situations we have nothing to do with. If we feel compelled to get involved with something that has nothing to do with us, where no one is being harmed, and no help is being asked...the place to address the problem is within.

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