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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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Dear HH - I haven't engaged with you because you know me, a straight shooter. I feel you are going around in circles and not deciding to find internal peace, regardless of what is going on around you. You are allowing external things to determine your mood. We all have our own personal drama, but when you "feed" the drama instead of find a way to make peace with it, you're hurting yourself. Renee gave you some good advice. The question to ask yourself is "what need am I meeting by continuing in this way?" Is it my need for attention? Is it easier to not change if it's always someone else's fault? You are very kind to others, but I hope you will do a kindness to yourself and ask these questions.

 

Either leave the job or spend your energy learning how not to internalize your boss' behavior. Either stay in your relationship with the good and bad, or leave it. Weeks and months of going over the same ground is "crazy-making". What need are you meeting by remaining a victim?

 

Trust me, we've all arrested in our development in different areas. My own brother thinks I act like a victim. That hurts. Granted, he's a bit of a blowhard, but I think there may be some truth in it. We depressives have to work extra hard to take personal responsibility for doing everything we can to be well in our minds. We can say we have a condition and use that as an excuse to be unwell, or we can say we have a condition and therefore it's more challenging to be well. See the difference?

 

I would like to see you put all your energy seeking internal peace instead of wasting energy on outside stuff. It's a choice.

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Hey Follena,

 

Thanks, but I feel that people really just don't understand, to be honest, what I am going through, or what i face in my job. I am leaving as soon as possible. 

 

I tried to explain more clearly my professional role. My field, SEO is naturally a battle with those who don't get it. This is written up in several articles.... people in my field have to self-advocate and are naturally going to butt heads with higher ups over website design. It's the nature of the beast.

 

There are website design elements that need to be changed for SEO purposes: such as page headers, page content & wording, navigation links and titles, the set up of a site's navigation, image sizes, use of flash images, use of javascript, page content length, HTML coding, use of pagination, the list goes on.

 

These are all things that I must educate my boss on because she does not know. If I don't do it, who will? This is my job. And people are naturally going to resist changes I must make because they want the site to look a certain way. But if I don't do these things, I am not doing my job. I have explained this very clearly on here.

 

My boss is snappy towards me all the time and of course this effects me. Who wouldn't that effect? She is not respectful. How can I not internalize this and let it effect me? I am not an inhuman robot without emotion. My job drains me. It is hard to stay motivated when my boss is uncommunicative and unsupportive of me.

 

Sorry, but I disagree with your post and your feedback. I am not remaining a victim. I am simply venting, and I look here for support.  I cannot leave my job until I've been there a year. This I have explained several times on here.

 

My relationship I am trying to figure out... it's a process and I am not ready to just give up on it.

 

Perhaps I'll just stop posting here if people cannot support me.

Edited by havehope

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Dear HH - I haven't engaged with you because you know me, a straight shooter. I feel you are going around in circles and not deciding to find internal peace, regardless of what is going on around you. You are allowing external things to determine your mood. We all have our own personal drama, but when you "feed" the drama instead of find a way to make peace with it, you're hurting yourself. Renee gave you some good advice. The question to ask yourself is "what need am I meeting by continuing in this way?" Is it my need for attention? Is it easier to not change if it's always someone else's fault? You are very kind to others, but I hope you will do a kindness to yourself and ask these questions.

 

Either leave the job or spend your energy learning how not to internalize your boss' behavior. Either stay in your relationship with the good and bad, or leave it. Weeks and months of going over the same ground is "crazy-making". What need are you meeting by remaining a victim?

 

Trust me, we've all arrested in our development in different areas. My own brother thinks I act like a victim. That hurts. Granted, he's a bit of a blowhard, but I think there may be some truth in it. We depressives have to work extra hard to take personal responsibility for doing everything we can to be well in our minds. We can say we have a condition and use that as an excuse to be unwell, or we can say we have a condition and therefore it's more challenging to be well. See the difference?

 

I would like to see you put all your energy seeking internal peace instead of wasting energy on outside stuff. It's a choice.

 

Hi Follena - this is likely correct, but it is easier said than done.  I am in a similar situation as Monica.  I just met with our insurance company assessor and she is pitching a gradual back to work plan - back to work with my former ******* boss, that is.  I am highly doubtful I will be able to do it, but what choice do I have?  I have friends who say, don't be the victim, just go in and do your job.  But I am exhausted. He invokes in me an an uncontrollable, subconscious, visceral response that is something like the signals that keep my heart beating - i.e. is out of my control.   There comes a time when the switch is flicked and these things become irreconcilable.

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Hi everyone, it's my birthday today - and I just got dirty lowdown double crossed by one of the people I trusted most, as happens to just about everyone, I guess, it's just part of being human. I find it difficult to trust people but it seems almost unavoidable sometimes. I've known this person for a long time, and so has my family. The person has vowed to repent of the behavior that is hurtful to me and my family. Sorry to be so vague, I will try to tell more later, it's kind of complicated, actually. I'm just feeling very low. I'm afraid I am not having a very happy birthday because of it. Love you all. Birthday hugs appreciated.

I'm so late but HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! (((Hugs)))

You're such an amazing person that you deserve so much more than you do now. Plus I also just think you're beautiful on the inside and out. If I were somewhere near you, I would throw you the biggest birthday party where we can chill, eat pizza and ice cream and watch television :)

I also love reading your posts btw and I feel sad that I won't be able to help you :( but I'm always here for you, well actually everyone here is here for you. Lmao I used here twice in a sentence bc I ran out of vocabulary oops.

Anyways I'm sorry if you weren't having the best birthday but just know that we love u very very very very vERYYYYYYYYYYY MUCH. :D

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY AGAIN MUL!!!!!!!

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Hey Follena,

 

Thanks, but I feel that people really just don't understand, to be honest, what I am going through, or what i face in my job. I am leaving as soon as possible. 

 

I tried to explain more clearly my professional role. My field, SEO is naturally a battle with those who don't get it. This is written up in several articles.... people in my field have to self-advocate and are naturally going to butt heads with higher ups over website design. It's the nature of the beast.

 

There are website design elements that need to be changed for SEO purposes: such as page headers, page content & wording, navigation links and titles, the set up of a site's navigation, image sizes, use of flash images, use of javascript, page content length, HTML coding, use of pagination, the list goes on.

 

These are all things that I must educate my boss on because she does not know. If I don't do it, who will? This is my job. And people are naturally going to resist changes I must make because they want the site to look a certain way. But if I don't do these things, I am not doing my job. I have explained this very clearly on here.

 

My boss is snappy towards me all the time and of course this effects me. Who wouldn't that effect? She is not respectful. How can I not internalize this and let it effect me? I am not an inhuman robot without emotion. My job drains me. It is hard to stay motivated when my boss is uncommunicative and unsupportive of me.

 

Sorry, but I disagree with your post and your feedback. I am not remaining a victim. I am simply venting, and I look here for support.  I cannot leave my job until I've been there a year. This I have explained several times on here.

 

My relationship I am trying to figure out... it's a process and I am not ready to just give up on it.

 

Perhaps I'll just stop posting here if people cannot support me.

 

No, Monica.  Please don't go.  

 

I know what you are going through. I think Follena was trying to be helpful, because she cares about you.  I expressed a similar sentiment a while back, in fact.  But, as per my post above, I don't believe it is always possible.  You are a perfectionist (if I may be so bold :)  ) and your work is extremely important to you.  You hate to see it being botched.  Plus, you are not being treated well by this woman.  Ideally, if you could step back and let it roll off you, that would be best (which is, I think, Follena's point)  But, again...  I can't seem to be able to do it with my boss, so I am certainly not going assume another person can as well

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Thanks, Brian... very sweet of you. :)

 

Yes, you're correct in that I am perfectionistic and care about the quality of my work very much so.

 

I am not playing a victim, however, and I am not going around in circles, and I don't like people trying to claim that I am. I am trying to do the best I can under the circumstances, but I am certainly no victim. I stand up for myself when I need to, and I am trying to figure out how best to approach my boss about certain issues that bother me without getting myself fired. I am moving forward in my life and have goals. I aim to leave my job in the Spring and complete a certification course so that I can increase my skill set in another area and then leave.

 

And in my relationship, I am trying to figure it out. It's not that simple. Most people can understand that. Nothing is so black and white as it was presented above. There are grays in life.. there are complexities in life that complicate matters... I live in the gray. I do not live in a purely black and white, this or that world.

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Hi HH; I wanted to private PM you but in another post you mentioned your inbox is full. It's okay for you to say you don't accept what I shared as being true for you. I accept that. 

 

In no way am I suggesting you should stop posting on this site. Who am I to do that? Everyone should feel free to post whatever is going on for them.

 

Brian is right, I am trying to help you see something that I think would be of benefit to you. But that is probably best left in privacy. I sincerely want you to be at peace.

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It's a sunny day here, breezy and cool. No more leaves on trees. Almost Solstice.

It's the anniversary of the day my mom died--she died at 12:40 AM, Pacific Time in 2012, so not too long ago.

She had been gradually losing her cognitive abilities and about 3 years before she died, that loss became much more severe. 7 months before her death, she was in a memory care facility. She ultimately died of a heart attack, which caused a fall.

I arrived at her hospital bed just in time. She was unconscious, on morphine, but for a long time she hadn't been the mom I remembered and loved and fought with.

A few months after she died, a friend died and then in July of 2013, another friend died. By that time I was severely depressed. I began to take meds again in August 2013 and two years later, I can say that I am recovering from depression, on a daily basis.

Still, today, I feel tired and subdued. I wish my mom could see me today, how stable I am, how well my son is doing and my husband too. I don't blame her for anything--or rather, what ill things she did to me in our early life together--she had no way of knowing how I would be affected. So I forgive her in an active way. I am no longer a victim of her ill will or ignorance.

*sigh*

Edited by Dolphin2013

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Feeling quite a bit better than I was feeling a few days ago, but starting tomorrow it is hell week for me at work leading in to Christmas.  I'm going to have to forcibly make myself into a morning person, ugh.  

 

I don't have the energy to catch up on everyone's posts here, but hugs to everyone, i love you all!  And happy belated birthday, mulberrypie!! <3

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Sorry, but I don't agree with Follena's post. I think I'll just stop posting in this thread.

Hope, I'm so sorry. I completely understand your reaction. I wrote, and then deleted, one long response, because I'm afraid it was coming from a triggered, reactive place. I've always found DF to be a safe, warm, NON-judgmental place, and I was quite taken aback by the post in question myself. I actually stopped reading halfway through because I found it so triggering and I've been so fragile; I wasn't about to let it disturb my recent progress.

 

I would recommend just disregarding triggering posts, though I know you probably don't feel terribly steady right now and this just unbalanced you more, so it can be hard to control your behavior as well as your emotions. That's kind of the thing about depression and other emotional problems, isn't it?

 

It isn't about being "told" not to post here; it's about feeling safe enough to do so.

 

Quite frankly, I don't think posts like that are appropriate here, especially not in a public thread (with the title "how do you feel right now?"....?). The whole purpose seems to be support. You might want to take a look at the stickied thread talking about peer support helping depression.

 

Hope, I've never known you to be reactionary; on the contrary, I've only seen you respond gratefully and warmly to advice, even when you disagreed and gently pointed out the issues. I can completely understand, however, why this upset you, and like I said, it would upset me enormously, too - I left another forum because it was unsafe, though that was a thousand times worse, a case of bullying publicly and through PMs. Still, after experiences like that (and God knows what kind of experiences many of us who end up here have had), I can see how feeling unsafe to open up can trigger and drive people away. In the past, the advice given (that I've seen) has always been supportive, warm, and very...human-side rather than clinical-side? I'm too brain dead to explain that properly, but hopefully people know what I mean. In that way, of course people will respond gratefully and warmly, because they don't feel attacked, "called out," or picked apart. Even if it was similar advice, a tone of wanting to help someone's emotional state is very different from a tone of wanting someone to "take responsibility." In this case, it seems like you're just desperately trying to do damage control with the havoc others are wreaking on your life. Maybe not your BF so much, but your boss... Well, if you're like most people, you can't just quit - you need money. And this woman is in a position to impact your resume, etc., long-term. It's simply fantasy to think that you can "take control" by "refusing" to let her affect you - she does affect you professionally, and you're proactively trying to protect your own career prospects long-term. Choosing not to accept the effects that people have on one another (emotionally, career-wise, etc.) does not make those effects any less real for the people experiencing them.

 

Frankly, that post wigged me out. I'm wondering if I should stop posting here for a while, too, in order to ensure that I don't get thrown off track just when I feel I'm beginning to heal more. I don't want you to have to go away, either, but I think you should do whatever you need to do in order to take care of yourself. I intend to do the same.

 

Support helps me enormously, to calm down, to think clearly, and to act. I don't feel listened to anywhere IRL. I don't have anyone to "go to," never mind to vent to, except here. Well, I have a horrendous childhood background, no friends, and no job. I spoke to a roommate today who's spending most of break with her parents; it was the first time I spoke to anyone IRL in days. "Straight-shooting engagement" makes me feel like a helpless, guilt-frozen, shamed, and targeted little girl again. I'm overwhelmed by a sense of (false!) responsibility, and spiral into paralyzing negativity of one sort or another. I've made incredible strides in the past month or two since finding this supportive, NON-judgmental place, getting so much done when before I was basically just curled in a ball, rattling, frozen by guilt, shame, and fear. So many opportunities had slid past with me frozen like that, but since getting support here and being able to talk freely about my feelings, I've...unfolded. And become so proactive in my life that it's really amazing. I certainly hope no one singles me out like this, but it's hard to see it happen to a friend, too.

 

I'm not letting this upset me, but I'm going to let the dust settle before coming back to this thread. Peace and love to you, Hope, and to all of you, especially those who have been so kind, warm, and supportive. I hope this place returns to what it's always been for me - a "safe place" where we can open up without fear. It's just not right to single someone out like that, especially when she wasn't even asking something like "what am I doing wrong here?" or asking for any feedback of that kind at all.

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Hey frozen, you're so sweet! :) Thanks so much!

 

The part about my work, etc... yeah, you're right and great points! I am trying to do damage control, no doubt!

 

I'll send you a PM! :hugs: :hugs:

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A moderator just said something wonderful on chat that I'd like to share --- to treat everyone as though they are fragile. I think this is especially important here. I hope this remains to be a safe thread. Right now, I don't feel that safe in sharing what's going on with me.

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I just want to tell everyone reading here that I could not be at this point in my life without ALL of you here. 

 

Warts and all, and that includes me & my warts :)

 

:xmastree3: ☯ :xmastree3:☯ :xmastree3: ☯ :xmastree3: ☯

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We buried Juanita today, the sadness was almost overbearing for me but not so much for her but for her husband, children, father and family. My wife has lost her mother, brother, our daughter and now eldest sister. Here's the hard part for me and what causes mental anguish: A.they come to me asking for something I can't deliver or B.in a sense they use me as proxy and take their anger at God.

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Another useless doctor's visit.  More bad news.  Feeling ever hopeless.  I was surprised he even acknowledged my deteriorating health, and wasn't in total denial about that.  But of course he was in denial of the worm infection.  I caught him in several errors and slip-ups in logic.  I could tell he was totally full of baloney.  He wants to repeat the same tests that have already been done before, as well as go on some wild goose chase looking for Colitis or Crohn's or some bulls*** bacterial infection.  I told him that I guarantee he won't find anything and I guarnatee he won't be able to help me and my health will only continue to deteriorate in his care, but that I would entertain his theories and go on his wild goose chase even though I think they are total BS.

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We buried Juanita today, the sadness was almost overbearing for me but not so much for her but for her husband, children, father and family. My wife has lost her mother, brother, our daughter and now eldest sister. Here's the hard part for me and what causes mental anguish: A.they come to me asking for something I can't deliver or B.in a sense they use me as proxy and take their anger at God.

Man that is awful!  I am sorry for your loss =(

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We buried Juanita today, the sadness was almost overbearing for me but not so much for her but for her husband, children, father and family. My wife has lost her mother, brother, our daughter and now eldest sister. Here's the hard part for me and what causes mental anguish: A.they come to me asking for something I can't deliver or B.in a sense they use me as proxy and take their anger at God.

I am so sorry for your loss, vega57. Grief can make the worst and the best come out in people. Hold steady and give yourself time to grieve alongside your wife. My thoughts are with you.

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I feel sad knowing that my all my hard work never amounts to being valuable in any way, shape, or form to anyone. Being disposable makes me sad because my goal when I wake up in the morning is to have a positive contribution within my group of peers. But I know there are many evil scumbags that are trying very hard to take that from me. They are coming together to bring me down.

 

Wanting to please everyone and wanting to be a productive member of society are 2 different things. Don't get confused. I'm not out to please everyone. Only the ones that matter.

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