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freckledface

The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2

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At it again.

 

Dragging myself through another grad school application. I only need to tweak the last two paragraphs of my statement of purpose...in addition to making a dreaded phone call about how to send the GRE scores, in which I'm afraid of being told that the info I received last time I called was incorrect, and I actually do need to pay to have ETS send them directly...SO fearing that, because I just went to the bank, and I'm seriously worried about making it through the winter OK.

 

With the SoP, I need to not only dig up my lost research on the English program, but find relevant research done by faculty I would want to work with...and I just can't summon the energy to care. I wonder if it's diet-related. No carbs, no energy? I've felt relatively calm the last couple of days or so. I like that, and don't want to mess with it. Having a lot of protein, especially animal protein, has helped a lot. But...I don't know what to do now.

 

None of the foreign schools require anything like this. How can they expect undergrads to already be this well versed in the current research of the discipline? They know that most of their candidates - even the ones they accept and their current cohorts! - aren't coming in with an MA and TA experience already under their belts. So, ***?

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I am slipping down today.  Not the worst, but I am afraid I could end up there.  It's my fault - I drank too much last night.  Hopefully I will bounce back up again tomorrow.

 

((((Monica)))) Sorry about the slap.  I know all about boss-induced demotivation!!

Thanks, Brian!! Sorry you're on the down today --- yes, tomorrow is a brand new day and hopefully a better one for you! ((hugs))

 

 

oh just tell her to screw off already Monica!  no job is worth the crap you go through!!

No kidding, right?!?! I concur!!! LOL

Edited by havehope

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Thank God!!! I just called, and they said not only can I email them, but it'll be fine if they and the letters of recommendation arrive after the deadline, as long as the application itself is submitted by midnight tonight. Blessed be UPenn! Ha, ha.

 

Seriously, this stuff has me hyped to delirium. I'll need serious de-stressing when it's over.

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I am slipping down today.  Not the worst, but I am afraid I could end up there.  It's my fault - I drank too much last night.  Hopefully I will bounce back up again tomorrow.

 

((((Monica)))) Sorry about the slap.  I know all about boss-induced demotivation!!

Sorry to hear you are slipping down Brian.  Yes tomorrow is a new day.

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Monica, I hate your boss for slapping you.

Thank you.... I know. It didn't feel good. :( I'm just trying to do my job and do it well, and she keeps slapping me for it. It's not right.

Edited by havehope

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I finally connected with the potential therapist I’ve been playing phone tag with and made an appointment for early next month. Cringing at the cost, though I’m sure she’s excellent. Uncertain how to get across who I am and what my issues are etc. in slightly less than an hour and whether it will even be helpful, particularly as I won’t be able to sustain the cost on a regular basis.

 

She mentioned a MBCT group she’s hoping to start, which I have an interest in, but again, it may be way out of my $ range. Feeling uncertain and anxious and unsure whether or not I should have made the appointment at all. I guess I’ll see. I'm hoping for at least a direction suggestion to work on myself.

 

Also feeling exhausted and hormonal and wishing I wasn't about to go walk around in the rain. Flipside, I know I'll feel better for it afterward. Clearer, I hope.

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I've read everyone's posts and I'm sending you all some healing thoughts.  I think Christmas may be one of those times that's difficult for us.  There are just so many triggers, so much work, and financial burdens.  I think it's hard, too, when you're alone not to feel deficient in some way.  I keep reminding myself that I chose to be alone and for the most part I'm happy about that decision.  I'm not so happy about the partner choices I've made in the past, but I was in a different spot then and learned a lot.

 

I talked to my boss about my fears regarding the scheduling and what has been happening.  It took some courage to do so, but I feel the weight has lifted.  I did what I needed to do to take care of myself and now we'll see what, if anything, he does about it.

 

I also called to make arrangements to start to pay my student loans off.  They have been in deferment for a long time because of financial hardship but now I can afford to pay something.  I was so worried about the amount they were going to want, but instead of paying five hundred a month I will be paying a little over a hundred dollars.  Of course interest accrues but it is what it is. 

 

There's an element of sadness I seem to go through each time I face one of these fears and do what I need to do.  It seems to be a reminder that I'm not exactly normal in my reaction to things.  I will avoid calling to set up payment arrangements, for instance, because I'm sure the outcome isn't going to go in my favor and then it turns out to be a simple five minute phone call I could have made a month ago instead of dreading the voice mails I was getting from them.  It seems so pointless to me to worry about doing something instead of just doing it, but that's me.  It's not like the lady answering phones at Great Lakes gives a hoot about my financial situation and she's probably not rolling in the dough either.

 

Brian,  Something about the demands your lady friend is trying to put on you doesn't agree with me.  I do believe it's healthy for a potential partner to assess what's being offered and to determine for themselves if that's what they want or not and there's a degree of honesty in what she's saying, which beats someone pretending to be okay with a situation and then once you're all vested they admit it never really was, but what about how being put under that kind of pressure will affect you.  What will her next demands be?  It seems conditional to me and that's not such a good sign this early on.  I just know, for me, there are certain things I cannot guarantee someone.  I cannot say that I will not lose my job, or get into a state of depression again, or grow older and wider.  I can't even say I'll always try as hard as I do now to take care of myself.  I'd like to know that my partner will support me if that happens.  I'm also not sure I want the added anxiety I feel when I'm around someone who can't be comfortable with my falling apart sometimes.  It's been my experience that all people struggle from time to time.  Promising I won't is like predicting the weather.  I'm just not trying to do all of that to myself anymore.  I am where I am and I'm doing the best I can.  Enough already.

 

HH,  Your situation is complicated.  I get that if the sales fall it may reflect on your future interviews, but at the end of the day she owns the company.  It seems as if you have to decide if you want to be right or happy.  She may even know you're right but doesn't want to invest the money.  That really is her choice.  It seems as if you try to convince her you will lose your job.  Maybe sit down and pretend you are her.  Walk in her shoes for a minute.  She's kept you around for some reason.  What would you do if you owned a company and had an employee who didn't want to do things the way you wanted them done?  Does she care about quality the way you do?  Anyway, just trying to be helpful here because it seems as if you are really trying to be helpful to someone who doesn't want your help.  I guess I'm trying to say you have choices.  Stay or go but find some peace within yourself either way.  Changing her isn't going to happen, so change you or your reaction to her.  Big hugs.

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HH,  Your situation is complicated.  I get that if the sales fall it may reflect on your future interviews, but at the end of the day she owns the company.  It seems as if you have to decide if you want to be right or happy.  She may even know you're right but doesn't want to invest the money.  That really is her choice.  It seems as if you try to convince her you will lose your job.  Maybe sit down and pretend you are her.  Walk in her shoes for a minute.  She's kept you around for some reason.  What would you do if you owned a company and had an employee who didn't want to do things the way you wanted them done?  Does she care about quality the way you do?  Anyway, just trying to be helpful here because it seems as if you are really trying to be helpful to someone who doesn't want your help.  I guess I'm trying to say you have choices.  Stay or go but find some peace within yourself either way.  Changing her isn't going to happen, so change you or your reaction to her.  Big hugs.

Thanks for your thoughts, Rene. It is complicated.

 

You're right in that I do need to follow her lead since she's the business owner, however, at the same time, I have to function as a consultant to educate her because she does not understand SEO and I'm the in-house expert. So there's a fine balance between leadership roles in the mix. I do need to take the lead on some things, while educating her at the same time. She has allowed me to do that, and in fact now is finally incorporating points I've reiterated over and over again into the redesign process. She is finally listening it seems, and said recently that she is taking all my points into consideration.

 

Changing her is not going to happen, I agree, and I cannot force her to change her own approach towards me. I am trying to remain professional with all of my communications, and that's the best I can do, as well as my job.

But I do need to be assertive---- it is very typical that the SEO expert has to advocate for themselves and their position, and it is typical that business owners (websites owners) want to do things their own way, without listening. This is very typical in my field, overall. So what I am experiencing is pretty much the norm --- the tension between website design and adherence to SEO standards in order to rank a site well. This is what I face. And as the SEO expert, I must advocate for certain standards to met or else the business will suffer. So that's my job... and I have to do my job, or else I'll get fired for not.

I cannot change my internal reactions to someone who repeatedly is disrespectful towards me, however. And if she refuses to listen in the end, then it's not my fault. But I have to try, or else I'm not doing my job.

Edited by havehope

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I've been at work on this dratted UPenn application all day, and I'm still not finished. I feel brain dead. I tend to feel really out of step and uncertain if I don't have or know of an established, accepted way of doing things, social things, and I really just don't know how to write about the profs I could work with at this school, even though I can see they would be good fits. I'm always worried about overstepping my bounds, coming off as presumptuous or something. I don't want to seem arrogant or clueless.

 

And I can't find examples, which are usually indispensable for me to approach a social situation. Until I get comfortable and feel "safe," I always feel...well, frozen.

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Hi everyone, it's my birthday today - and I just got dirty lowdown double crossed by one of the people I trusted most, as happens to just about everyone, I guess, it's just part of being human. I find it difficult to trust people but it seems almost unavoidable sometimes. I've known this person for a long time, and so has my family. The person has vowed to repent of the behavior that is hurtful to me and my family. Sorry to be so vague, I will try to tell more later, it's kind of complicated, actually. I'm just feeling very low. I'm afraid I am not having a very happy birthday because of it. Love you all. Birthday hugs appreciated.

 Happy birthday, you whole lotta Beautiful. I hope the disappointment didn't ruin your whole day and that you know how very cherished you are on this site. ((((hugs)))) 

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Right now I'm exhausted after just getting home from work. I feel overwhelmed with all of my "bad" emotions of depression and anxiety. I feel inadequate, I hate myself, everything I do is not good enough, I'm too shy, to serious and too depressed. Right now I'm in the middle of a severe depression that's swirling in my mind. The anxiety is making me go over every little thing I've done today.

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Right now I'm exhausted after just getting home from work. I feel overwhelmed with all of my "bad" emotions of depression and anxiety. I feel inadequate, I hate myself, everything I do is not good enough, I'm too shy, to serious and too depressed. Right now I'm in the middle of a severe depression that's swirling in my mind. The anxiety is making me go over every little thing I've done today.

 

 

Hugs Bella!!!  Maybe tomorrow things will look a little better.  If not, we are here for you!!!

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Well, after all that, my fee waiver had still not been processed, so the system wouldn't let me submit the application. I sent an email to the woman in charge of that. I couldn't tell if she was rude or not, but first (this was weeks ago) she (wrongly) implied that fee waivers are only available for one group. And then, after I spoke with another woman on the phone from the department, and emailed her with the documents I needed, she never responded. The woman on the phone did warn me not to wait on the fee waiver, since they're sometimes processed all at once. So I didn't, but unlike the other schools, it didn't even give me an option for fee waiver "payment;" it just wouldn't let me submit. Well, I can't afford $80, so it'll just have to wait. I hope I can submit after the deadline, since my letters of recommendation were already sent and everything.

 

Actually, Rutgers was weird in the opposite respect: the application didn't even prompt me to pay or even give me a place to submit my fee waiver materials. That reminds me, I do need to send them somehow...maybe email them to somebody. Their system is really archaic, and wouldn't let me view most of the supporting materials I uploaded, so I'm going to have to check in to make sure everything was properly received. Rutgers is my top choice, too. What a nerve-wracking conundrum for a top choice school.

 

Well, UPenn was probably bottom of the list by the time I finished researching it. Just--ihhh. I'm still a bit keyed up from the whole thing, but I'm quite calm, considering. In part because I just wouldn't be all that disappointed by now if I didn't get in there.

 

Oh, well, I never really wanted to live in Philly, anyway.

 

I hope I can wind down healthfully from this and get some good sleep. My roommate said she might come by tonight. Hope she doesn't wake me. My sleep has been broken the last couple of nights. Tomorrow, it's the same slog all over again - Columbia! All I want to do is crawl into a cave and hibernate my troubles away.

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Tonight was the wake for my sister in law and tomorrow is the burial. Of course it was very sad and tomorrow will be worse. I was one of the religious speakers as I will be tomorrow also. That's all I can muster for tonight.

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Tonight was the wake for my sister in law and tomorrow is the burial. Of course it was very sad and tomorrow will be worse. I was one of the religious speakers as I will be tomorrow also. That's all I can muster for tonight.

Sorry for your loss.  

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Went to bed at ~11:15, but still can't sleep. Too tense, I guess. But I've realized so much, I can't really complain.

 

Not really in the right head-space to explain now, but will try later. I feel much, much better, though. :) Like, I've felt so lost so long, but now I'm starting to see the directions I should move. :)

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Tonight was the wake for my sister in law and tomorrow is the burial. Of course it was very sad and tomorrow will be worse. I was one of the religious speakers as I will be tomorrow also. That's all I can muster for tonight.

Vega, so sorry for your loss! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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Right now I'm exhausted after just getting home from work. I feel overwhelmed with all of my "bad" emotions of depression and anxiety. I feel inadequate, I hate myself, everything I do is not good enough, I'm too shy, to serious and too depressed. Right now I'm in the middle of a severe depression that's swirling in my mind. The anxiety is making me go over every little thing I've done today.

(((((Bella)))))) Hugs! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Please don't be so hard on yourself... you have unique and beautiful qualities to offer the world, remember that!!

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I feel... different. I'm more wary of my boyfriend now. 

 

Things are back to "normal" but I have read that his behavior (when he's upset) matches several characteristics of emotional abuse. I am very wary and on alert.... I may also be emotionally distancing myself a bit.

 

We've talked about counseling, but he really needs to change his behaviors in order for this to work and right now I have strong doubts and am concerned. When he's not upset, things are fine and he's very respectful of me. When he's upset, he is not respectful. Nor does he initially take responsibility for any mean words or false accusations.

 

I'm just not sure right now. And of course now that I am having strong doubts, I am wondering if indeed, I should move to California. Sigh. Yep, the constant debate continues.

Edited by havehope

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