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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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Hi guys, I've been having some trouble with posting on her lately but just wanted to let you know that I will be out of town the next week so please don't worry if I am MIA for a little while, I will come back online once I'm back in town.  I just wanted to let you all know that I'm thinking about you and sending positive and caring thoughts your way, especially Havehope (Monica), Chris, and Bill Nye the Science Guy. :)  I hope that you can all find some small joys in this coming week, and I'll look forward to catching up when I'm back in town. **hugs**

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Two grad school applications are due tomorrow. They're mostly done, but I have to finish my statements of purpose for each one, and that requires research that I just don't have the energy for.

 

So I'm worried about ticking off my professors, because one of them - my top choice, Rutgers, which has a horrible, dinky little online application - refuses to send the profs emails to upload their letters of recommendation until AFTER I submit the application! That gives the profs one day (or less) to get the letter in. Even though I know the letters are pretty much done, and they'll only be changing the name of the school or a few details, I can see this putting the profs under some pressure. Even though, technically, the schools should all accept late recommendations from profs, as they know students can't really control that aspect.

 

grrr...trying to keep it together.

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Trying to recover from the shock that I'm deeply in the hole financially. It's eating me up. Here I am at 56 years old and I'm barely squeaking by from month to month. I don't have any "luxuries" like cable or home internet...not much I can do to spend less money than I already am.

 

In spite of that, I'm grateful to be on my own, without the constant barrage of passive-aggressive behavior from my ex.

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So I learned from a co-worker that it appears there is a push-pull going on right now between my own website design concerns and my boss's intentions for the visual look of the home page. Ugh. So it is obvious to others that there is a bit of an open battle going on. Great.

 

However, what am I supposed to do? I've emphasized three different times now that there needs to be text content on the page in order to rank the page. Yet the developer keeps sending new versions of the home page mockup minus text content, so I keep reiterating the point.

 

My boss has yet to get on the phone with me to clarify her thoughts on the design with me. She's not communicating clearly on Skype either. So I am left to only think that she is ignoring my guidance.

 

The page still looks terrible --- the third version of it. I can't even believe how bad it is! My boss's arrogance continues to astound me. Wanna see how bad it looks? Check this out: http://61.95.196.142/isharya/us/

 

My friend pointed out last night that I need to stop pushing my own agenda and work with my boss's agenda.... but if I do that, the site will flop. What am I supposed to do? I'm just trying to do the job she hired me for and do it well. She's already lost a huge amount of revenue this year in comparison to last. And I believe it's because she changed the site's design last year as well.

 

Sorry, I know this is the same ole same ole story over and over again, but I'm at a loss.

 

I just checked out the site, I expected so much worse... but I can understand why you're dissatisfied. However what your friend was saying makes sense I think. Do you think she will blame it on you if the website flops? Are you the only one in charge for the site?

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Hang in there, JD.  And boy do I identify with the passive-aggressive ex!

 

Not doing too bad today.  I am getting stuff done.  Now I need to write a response to the lady I was seeing.  She says she really likes me - "a unique place in her heart that no one else can fill"  apparently, and that she wants me to contact her in the new year when I am back at work and, get this, I have joined a gym LOL.

 

Now, I do need to take better care of myself.  But, my friend's are saying, and I am leaning toward it, that I might have a controlling person on my hands here.  Someone who will endeavour to change me.  They say she should like me as I am.  So, I am going to respond that I need to think about her response a little more.  I will tell her I can understand the being off work thing, but that the exercise issue may be raising a flag with me.  I will do it tactfully, and try to keep the opportunity open.  I really do like a lot about her.  But, again, this is starting to get a little scary.

 

Have the best day you can, everyone.  

 

The site seems to be working for me again - YAY!!!

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Feeling KINDA GOOD. I've realised that my anxiety before I leave for my tutoring course is silly. Everytime I come out of there, I feel alright and upbeat because it wasn't that bad.

AND I've re-established contact with an old friend of mine, he came by Saturday and it was great. It feels so good to re-connect with that part of my life and I've honestly missed him a lot.

Today, I didn't feel like drinking alcohol for the first time in a long while, and I know that's because of that friend. All I needed was to feel wanted and appreciated by people around me.

I wish I could feel like this all the time.

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Hey, that's great you joined a gym, Brian! I need to get back into my regular routine of walking. I've been really busy over the past 10 days and haven't gone out much to exercise. Well, busy and lazy. By the time I come home from work, it's dark out and I'm beat. Easy to say that I'll make up for it the next day (and the next, and the next...). I'd like to take about 10-lbs. off. Going carb-free would speed that process along, but I've got such a horrible sweet tooth.

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So I learned from a co-worker that it appears there is a push-pull going on right now between my own website design concerns and my boss's intentions for the visual look of the home page. Ugh. So it is obvious to others that there is a bit of an open battle going on. Great.

 

However, what am I supposed to do? I've emphasized three different times now that there needs to be text content on the page in order to rank the page. Yet the developer keeps sending new versions of the home page mockup minus text content, so I keep reiterating the point.

 

My boss has yet to get on the phone with me to clarify her thoughts on the design with me. She's not communicating clearly on Skype either. So I am left to only think that she is ignoring my guidance.

 

The page still looks terrible --- the third version of it. I can't even believe how bad it is! My boss's arrogance continues to astound me. Wanna see how bad it looks? Check this out: http://61.95.196.142/isharya/us/

 

My friend pointed out last night that I need to stop pushing my own agenda and work with my boss's agenda.... but if I do that, the site will flop. What am I supposed to do? I'm just trying to do the job she hired me for and do it well. She's already lost a huge amount of revenue this year in comparison to last. And I believe it's because she changed the site's design last year as well.

 

Sorry, I know this is the same ole same ole story over and over again, but I'm at a loss.

 

I just checked out the site, I expected so much worse... but I can understand why you're dissatisfied. However what your friend was saying makes sense I think. Do you think she will blame it on you if the website flops? Are you the only one in charge for the site?

 

Hey Catbug, thanks :) I don't think she'll blame me necessarily, but it won't look good for me if it does flop. Several are in charge of the website, including myself. I am in charge of getting it to rank high in the search engines, which does relate to design and usability (user-friendliness). Sigh..... I may have turned a corner with her though? She has made a point of telling me that she is hearing my points. so that's a good sign at least!

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Just went through an hour-long headache with Microsoft to reinstall Office 365, for which I had a 4-year subscription. It seems Windows uninstalled the whole thing last night when I went back to 8.1. Sneaky buggers. I couldn't even access my files from my flash drive, since the program wasn't running on my computer.

 

I've really had it with Microsoft. If only I didn't find Apple even more of a headache.

 

And if I weren't broke. Ha.

 

Now, I can finally move on...to the grand headache of researching Rutgers and UPenn, and writing up shiny, sparkling statements of purpose tailored to them... *sigh* I like the actual subject I study, but there's so much external, bureaucratic BS that goes along with it that I sometimes really wonder. This stuff is wearing on me, seriously...

 

I don't see what else I can do, though, and it's scary because school is my only source of income, which is always stretched almost to the breaking point anyway.

Edited by frozen
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Riding the waves of some rolling limited symptom panic attacks: a pathetic attempt to put something ugly and terrifying into a poetic way I guess.  Calm right now, before or after the storm.  don't know.   Best to everyone out there!!!

Edited by Epictetus
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So I drew the line with my boyfriend today and let him know what I will not accept. Things have been pretty rocky... we've fought periodically, and have almost broken up several times. Well, we did break up Friday.

 

I don't know if we can work out our issues... right now I have strong doubts. This could change. I just don't know, but we're both strong enough in our commitment, though mine could be wavering? Counseling may be the only solution if we are going to take additional steps forward. I feel so alone in this struggle... it's really hard.

Edited by havehope
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I don't know why, but I feel brain dead. It may be dietary. I've been researching the Victorianist English faculty at Rutgers for hours, but I'm just...blank. I can't make any solid connections with my proposed project. Rutgers is my top choice, and I'm afraid of self-sabotage, but I can hardly care right now. Why do they make this so ridiculously hard? Though they did put a lot things up front, unlike other schools...I don't know. Maybe it's my brain. I'm going to try a short break.

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Even after a break and some blueberries, I cannot for the life of me seem to think straight. It all seems like torture. I wrote really strong statements for NYU and Brown, but after that, I couldn't seem to muster the energy to care. I do care...yet...I can't. I don't know. Maybe I'm just overthinking this all. Maybe I should just focus on the program's other strengths.

 

I can't seem to focus right now. I think maybe my brain shifted gears already after the onslaught of finals, and is resisting like an overwhelmed creature at the thought of more intellectual effort. What I'm reading about all seems ridiculous and irrelevant right now. I just can't seem to get it together to care.

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Trying to recover from the shock that I'm deeply in the hole financially. It's eating me up. Here I am at 56 years old and I'm barely squeaking by from month to month. I don't have any "luxuries" like cable or home internet...not much I can do to spend less money than I already am.

 

In spite of that, I'm grateful to be on my own, without the constant barrage of passive-aggressive behavior from my ex.

 

JD I don't have cable either, but I have internet. I'm so sorry things are tight. Glad you find some solace in the peace of your own space.

 

 

Not doing too bad today.  I am getting stuff done.  Now I need to write a response to the lady I was seeing.  She says she really likes me - "a unique place in her heart that no one else can fill"  apparently, and that she wants me to contact her in the new year when I am back at work and, get this, I have joined a gym LOL.

 

Now, I do need to take better care of myself.  But, my friend's are saying, and I am leaning toward it, that I might have a controlling person on my hands here.  Someone who will endeavour to change me.  They say she should like me as I am.  So, I am going to respond that I need to think about her response a little more.  I will tell her I can understand the being off work thing, but that the exercise issue may be raising a flag with me.  I will do it tactfully, and try to keep the opportunity open.  I really do like a lot about her.  But, again, this is starting to get a little scary.

 

 

Oh my god Brian, that is a laugh. The unique place in my heart had my eyes rolling. Write her a response, "when I'm as jacked as Schwarzenegger on steroids and CEO of my own company, I'll contact you". But sometimes no response, just complete silence, is the best way to convey your message...

 

I don't know why, but I feel brain dead. It may be dietary. I've been researching the Victorianist English faculty at Rutgers for hours, but I'm just...blank. I can't make any solid connections with my proposed project. Rutgers is my top choice, and I'm afraid of self-sabotage, but I can hardly care right now. Why do they make this so ridiculously hard? Though they did put a lot things up front, unlike other schools...I don't know. Maybe it's my brain. I'm going to try a short break.

 

(((frozen))) I read your post and see how hard you are working. Applying on these schools is a full time job. I know why you feel brain dead - look at the output you've done the last few weeks.  Yes, take that break and pamper yourself. You are a human being, not a human doing  :winkkiss:

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I'm on a bit of a roller coaster today. I've been angry, even anticipating I'm "going" to be angry about something (like a loud person in the office). Then as the day wore on and I kept busy and ignored my miserable self, I became happier. I feel generally at peace now. Not sure why I get so angry sometimes. Grumpiness might be a 50-something thing.

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Hang in there, JD.  And boy do I identify with the passive-aggressive ex!

 

Not doing too bad today.  I am getting stuff done.  Now I need to write a response to the lady I was seeing.  She says she really likes me - "a unique place in her heart that no one else can fill"  apparently, and that she wants me to contact her in the new year when I am back at work and, get this, I have joined a gym LOL.

 

Now, I do need to take better care of myself.  But, my friend's are saying, and I am leaning toward it, that I might have a controlling person on my hands here.  Someone who will endeavour to change me.  They say she should like me as I am.  So, I am going to respond that I need to think about her response a little more.  I will tell her I can understand the being off work thing, but that the exercise issue may be raising a flag with me.  I will do it tactfully, and try to keep the opportunity open.  I really do like a lot about her.  But, again, this is starting to get a little scary.

 

Have the best day you can, everyone.  

 

The site seems to be working for me again - YAY!!!

Glad you're doing Ok Brian! :)

 

Those are sweet words from her, no doubt, though I think a bit strong for only knowing you a month. And she wanted you to join a gym.. hmm...  that could be considered totally benign.. like she could be thinking exercise may be good for you while off work and dealing with depression too. That's one side. Or it could be a part of wanting to make you more into something she wants you to be, i.e., a bit controlling. Coupled along with wanting to wait on things until you're back to work, I would be wondering myself what the true deal is.

 

I'm curious what your response will be! I would be a little wary and  cautious my friend, and yes, still open as you said to feel things out more.

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I've been surprisingly mellow today.

And I'm glad to be able to click Like again and have the Like be recorded! w00t to the admins!!!

I have a lot of stuff to do, I'm putting off some of it.

I think I'm mellow today because I've eaten well. I've exercised and I worked some on the courses I've been taking.

So this would have harshed my mellowness: With this course, I get a 1 time only 15-minute 1to 1 consultation with the instructor. First time I scheduled it, I forgot completely. So I emailed him, thought he probably wouldn't want to reschedule, time was time after all...etc. But he eventually emailed me and said, by all means, reschedule. So I did. It was for today, but I think he must have been doing some other part of the course because I waited for like half an hour after I called.

So I rescheduled again for next Monday. I'm hoping we can connect so I can stop wondering if it's me or him or both of us?

And I'm working on a couple of prospective blog posts for someone who is too busy to do her own and who might pay me....yay!

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Hang in there, JD.  And boy do I identify with the passive-aggressive ex!

 

Not doing too bad today.  I am getting stuff done.  Now I need to write a response to the lady I was seeing.  She says she really likes me - "a unique place in her heart that no one else can fill"  apparently, and that she wants me to contact her in the new year when I am back at work and, get this, I have joined a gym LOL.

 

Now, I do need to take better care of myself.  But, my friend's are saying, and I am leaning toward it, that I might have a controlling person on my hands here.  Someone who will endeavour to change me.  They say she should like me as I am.  So, I am going to respond that I need to think about her response a little more.  I will tell her I can understand the being off work thing, but that the exercise issue may be raising a flag with me.  I will do it tactfully, and try to keep the opportunity open.  I really do like a lot about her.  But, again, this is starting to get a little scary.

 

Have the best day you can, everyone.  

 

The site seems to be working for me again - YAY!!!

Glad you're doing Ok Brian! :)

 

Those are sweet words from her, no doubt, though I think a bit strong for only knowing you a month. And she wanted you to join a gym.. hmm...  that could be considered totally benign.. like she could be thinking exercise may be good for you while off work and dealing with depression too. That's one side. Or it could be a part of wanting to make you more into something she wants you to be, i.e., a bit controlling. Coupled along with wanting to wait on things until you're back to work, I would be wondering myself what the true deal is.

 

I'm curious what your response will be! I would be a little wary and  cautious my friend, and yes, still open as you said to feel things out more.

 

 

 

Thanks Monica!!!

 

Some background - she seems to be the type that looks into the future, quite quickly.  She wants me to join the gym because, and I paraphrase: I am worried that you will have health issues in your late 50's."  I find that interesting, and don't really know how to take it :).  I think she is projecting into the future, and wanting to mold me into the perfect, healthy, older male.  In other words, change me LOL.

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Hmm.... interesting. Not sure what to make of that myself! Seems a bit early to be trying to change any habits of yours and looking into the future like that too much.. guess you may need to just feel this out a bit more, but perhaps proceed with caution?

 

For some reason, her wanting to halt things because you're off of work temporarily bothers me.. I'm not sure why! Like I feel she should be more understanding of your position and still want to date you, knowing you'll get back to work again at some stage. Maybe that's just me! Don't let me sway your thoughts.. stick to your own gut of how you feel about things. I know you will :)

Edited by havehope
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