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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread 2


freckledface

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it's been a less than meaningful day and to make things worse, I bought a sweet snack to munch on--just trail mix, but it's got lots of chocolate & sugar (I talked myself out of the bag of bridge mix! bridge mix is a depression food for me, it's this stuff my mom would have on hand when she had company.)

 

I think I know why I shut myself in my study most of the day. It's because my husband's brother is here and he was playing videos loud (he's in his upper 50's and I don't know why my spouse didn't offer him a set of earbuds or headphones. But even between and during videos, he's running commentary the whole time.

 

I felt--the way I often do with family--intruded on, vulnerable, molestable (my BIL has weird creepy stuff about him--that I know with my mind is his and his alone and he's not putting any of that on me or my husband, but still he always hints jokingly about it--and I want to be tolerant, no I want to be accepting, but I just distance myself, put on armor and chomp down angrily on stuff that goes crunch).

 

Food is my drug of choice, and I understand addiction and addictive behavior. And my BIL is an alcoholic. He's gone to detox twice. He thinks he can regulate his intake of alcohol because it helps him get to sleep, concentrate and do stuff. He is a grocery clerk. He monitors the self-checkout and bags groceries. I feel so sorry for him, and yet disgusted by him. And his brain has just broken down. He had schizophrenic episodes when he was in his early teens, maybe younger. And I'm p***** as hell that medication and treatment were a) not available or b) off the radar for his parents who did not want to deal with it. They thought that because he was bright, he'd grow out of it, when he didn't respond to one kind of treatment.

 

I know what a sick brain does. My sick brain is not sick the way his is, but I know how unfair it is that life handed us these brains that twist reality, or take it away altogether.

 

When he was sick (diagnosed with the beginning of liver disease) a year or so ago and had his first episode with detox, I hoped that he'd get so ill, he would die and we wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. 

 

Now you all know what a rotten person I am. 

 

Dolphin, you are not a rotten person, I'm sure most of us have had thoughts like this in our lives. ((((((hugs))))))

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New to this forum...I recently was discharged from the hospital after a major depression and anxiety crisis. I am on a new, higher dose of my medication and I've been having good and bad days. Right now I feel frustrated and a bit hopeless. This is the second time in my life that I've been hospitalized and even though I was diagnosed a long time ago ( about 12 years ago), I am still angry at my illness and how limiting it has been. I haven't been able to function under stress at work and my social life is non-existent. I don't have the confidence and to go back to work honestly. This is particularly frustrating because I am 34 and I have changed careers 3 times already and I just can't work in anything! Due greatly in part to my freaking chemical imbalance in the brain! I feel so dumb with this brain! :-( I am also considered as an emotionally unavailable person. So, not only am I dumb, I also suck at having relationships...of any kind. My future I guess will be livinf as a broke, lonely person. :-/

Welcome to the fourm.  I'm glad you found us.  I am so sorry for what you have been going through.  I can relate to much you say.

 

Please remember not to be too hard on yourself.  This is a hard road we all travel, but I'm convinced there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Please feel free to post at any time.  You find this a valuable resource for support.  

 

Welcome aboard!

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My trust in people I have known is becoming almost nonexistent.  It is my experience the lower you go the more they feel they can capitalize on your weaknesses. Like if they have been jealous of you in the past, and they can come at you with both barrels now to retaliate.  Or be mean and hurtful.  Worst off, asking me for large sums of money, not to say I have much.  Needless to say I don't really do loans anymore, because rarely you will see the money back.  Also when people say you don't look good, or even terrible.  

 

I have never said to anyone's face they look bad while suffering from a disease, especially cancer.  It is extremely cruel and totally uncalled for.  Or people suddenly showing up in your life because you inherited a little bit of money.  I have trusted too many, given without question, and tried to be a good and honest friend to everyone.  Obviously I must not be able to choose friends very wisely when they ultimately burn you in the end.  

 

I suppose I have to accept some of the blame because of my being so gullible.  Just have learned to have a harder shell and let stuff like this bounce off me.  And no longer consider these people or family members as friends. I have carved my friends down to a few, and am hopeful to meet new people.  

 

I just don't get people who can be so rude and using. 

Edited by highanxiety
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Aw thanks guys, you're so sweet. Hugs back. I'm ok tho, I'm good.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry or do both hysterically. I woke up this morning to a loud buzzing which I thought was flies behind my blinds - no, no flies.......I have bees in my wall, they got in through my rotted windowsill! I like bees, but not in my walls! I honestly don't know how much more I can take before they cart me away to a padded cell..........(deep breaths)

((((((((Hugs))))))))) to everyone, and an extra hug for my special friends :)

Aw noooooo (((((Purple))))) re the bees & rotten windows :-( I'm with Dolphin, you so need a break. I'm scared of stinging things. I'd call an exterminator. But I also have a fear of tradies :s. I'd prolly just stick my head in some sand & try to will them away. If you get carted away to a padded cell, can I come? We can have tea & cookies. Or Dolphin's trail mix sounds yum :)

(((Hugs))) to everyone.

I'm feel like I"m taking up oxygen that could be useful for someone who is making a difference in the world, my body feels like I got hit by a truck. Not sure if this is related to starting Abilify or not.

...

((((((((((((((((((((Freckled))))))))))))))))))) :-( Aw ff, you're such a wonderful, caring, kind, super funny, deserving person. If you had a superman cape & the ability to fly/leap over large buildings at a single bound, you could maybe do more to keep the crime rate down, jeez lol :). You're being pummelled tho with physical & mental suffering, you're a single mum & you make a huge difference to people here. There'd be a huge gaping hole here if you weren't around. I think you're awesome. I absolutely love you to bits. I wish you could see how great you are. I totally get it tho, I'm sorry :-(. I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy. Pls stop getting hit by trucks :(

it's been a less than meaningful day and to make things worse, I bought a sweet snack to munch on--just trail mix, but it's got lots of chocolate & sugar (I talked myself out of the bag of bridge mix! bridge mix is a depression food for me, it's this stuff my mom would have on hand when she had company.)

I think I know why I shut myself in my study most of the day. It's because my husband's brother is here and he was playing videos loud (he's in his upper 50's and I don't know why my spouse didn't offer him a set of earbuds or headphones. But even between and during videos, he's running commentary the whole time.

I felt--the way I often do with family--intruded on, vulnerable, molestable (my BIL has weird creepy stuff about him--that I know with my mind is his and his alone and he's not putting any of that on me or my husband, but still he always hints jokingly about it--and I want to be tolerant, no I want to be accepting, but I just distance myself, put on armor and chomp down angrily on stuff that goes crunch).

Food is my drug of choice, and I understand addiction and addictive behavior. And my BIL is an alcoholic. He's gone to detox twice. He thinks he can regulate his intake of alcohol because it helps him get to sleep, concentrate and do stuff. He is a grocery clerk. He monitors the self-checkout and bags groceries. I feel so sorry for him, and yet disgusted by him. And his brain has just broken down. He had schizophrenic episodes when he was in his early teens, maybe younger. And I'm p***** as hell that medication and treatment were a) not available or b) off the radar for his parents who did not want to deal with it. They thought that because he was bright, he'd grow out of it, when he didn't respond to one kind of treatment.

I know what a sick brain does. My sick brain is not sick the way his is, but I know how unfair it is that life handed us these brains that twist reality, or take it away altogether.

When he was sick (diagnosed with the beginning of liver disease) a year or so ago and had his first episode with detox, I hoped that he'd get so ill, he would die and we wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

Now you all know what a rotten person I am.

Oh yike, I'm sorry about the BIL Dolphin :-(. That'd make me incredibly uncomfortable. You're not rotten at all. I think that's a normal thought that pops up when you're feeling threatened. I have those thoughts about my dad. They're involuntary, something you can't help. Actions you can help, thoughts nope.

tumblr_nudwcsSjPB1rsxqqio1_500.jpg

LOL Nisemono, looking good (you're hilarious) haha :)

Beaj - welcome, I'm also sorry for what you've been through/ are suffering :(

Edited by Els1e
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I feel by myself. I feel as if my sadness is a burden to others and whatever I express about myself about gets downplayed / overshadowed no matter how serious the situation maybe.-Feeling very tired emotionally.  When I cry no one cares but someone else will get full support and a shoulder to cry on. ---- not from this site of course :)

I care when you cry. I get what you mean about your sadness, too. I'm sure my inability, at times, to pull myself from thoughts of myself and the problems I've had associated with depression and anxiety has burdened other people. I doubt they've been as bothered by it as I have though. You've helped me to realize that all people probably feel burdensome from time to time. Relationships are give and take. People go up and down in their neediness. Sometimes I have a greater capacity to give and sometimes I just can't. It is what it is.

Thanks for being here.

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Oh thx mulberrypie and Mia42 it happened in the capital of Turkey near main train station. 

 

Here it's the video showing the attack time http://www.sondakika.com/haber/haber-ankara-da-patlama-alaninda-demir-bilyeler-cikti-7764412/

 

Bomb was a tnt based with steel balls in it to pierce through people and cause mass bleeding.

 

ankara-da-patlama-alaninda-demir-bilyele

 

Turkey is a bridge located in between Europe and Asia and a member of NATO but not european union.We are holding 2.5 millions of Syrian refugees in our borders and this was an ISIS attack.

That we live in a world where people come up with ideas like shredding people with metal balls is beyond my comprehension.

I'm so sorry this is a reality for you.

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Desperados: My best thoughts and prayers for the Turkish people and the citizens of Ankara. I have been to Turkey twice and have a good friend here who is Turkish. A lovely country and people. 

 

Welcome Beaj! This is a great group of people.

 

How do I feel? As usual these days sort of flat. I guess this is better than being despondent, volatile and suicidal. 

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My trust in people I have known is becoming almost nonexistent.  It is my experience the lower you go the more they feel they can capitalize on your weaknesses. Like if they have been jealous of you in the past, and they can come at you with both barrels now to retaliate.  Or be mean and hurtful.  Worst off, asking me for large sums of money, not to say I have much.  Needless to say I don't really do loans anymore, because rarely you will see the money back.  Also when people say you don't look good, or even terrible.  

 

I have never said to anyone's face they look bad while suffering from a disease, especially cancer.  It is extremely cruel and totally uncalled for.  Or people suddenly showing up in your life because you inherited a little bit of money.  I have trusted too many, given without question, and tried to be a good and honest friend to everyone.  Obviously I must not be able to choose friends very wisely when they ultimately burn you in the end.  

 

I suppose I have to accept some of the blame because of my being so gullible.  Just have learned to have a harder shell and let stuff like this bounce off me.  And no longer consider these people or family members as friends. I have carved my friends down to a few, and am hopeful to meet new people.  

 

I just don't get people who can be so rude and using.

So sorry you've had to experience being taken advantage of. When I started coming out of a bad time, and realized how I'd been treated, I got angry. First at them and then at myself. I believe I've read somewhere that part of depression is related to turning feelings of anger inward. Not the chemical imbalance part, but some of the emotional stuff. Anyway, I am still working on forgiving myself so I may have peace in my life.

I want to continue to believe in good people. I think being raised in the environment I was raised in created a pattern in which I was drawn to narcissistic people. I had to do some work to understand that very complex situation. I had to ask myself why I kept going to a dry well looking for water.

The really cool thing is with questions we can uncover so much about ourselves. They call this a gift. Ha.

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Having a really bad night tonight.  Worst night I've had in awhile.  I hate this, I don't want to deal with life anymore.

So sorry. I hope things have gotten a little better for you. Aside from the normal depression stuff, whatever that's supposed to mean, but seems to command respect, I've found that being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired makes me want to not do life. I'm in recovery and this whole hungry, angry, lonely, tired thing is drilled into our heads. At first I thought is was crap (of course I tend to be pessimistic), but I've been following this principle and working on it for a while now and it does have it's merits. Being tired is a huge not wanting to do this anymore trigger for me.

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I feel by myself. I feel as if my sadness is a burden to others and whatever I express about myself about gets downplayed / overshadowed no matter how serious the situation maybe.-Feeling very tired emotionally.  When I cry no one cares but someone else will get full support and a shoulder to cry on. ---- not from this site of course :)

ZoeyAutumn,

I'm glad you're here at the DF. We get to express ourselves freely here. I offer some cyber hugs...

:hugs: :hugs:

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Like many others here today, my moods are swinging and unstable this morning.  I don't know which way it's going to go.  I had a nice telephone chat with one friend and a visit from another that perked me up last night - after an awful day - for which I am thankful. It just feels like a tough go this morning.

 

On top of that, I am getting sick - major ear ache - have to go into the clinic.

 

Fighting my brain is getting so tiresome.

Oh the joys of mood swings. Ha.

You raise a question worthy of discussion. It's something I've been really thinking about lately. I've noticed that so many of us, including me, have this tendency to want to fight our brains. I'm wondering if anyone has had any success is giving this fight up a bit? I have this habit of questioning things before I have them hammered out, but I'm not referring to giving up the fight to live, or even to live well within the confines of our illnesses, but rather give up this idea that somehow I can wrestle more out of myself than I realistically can. Would the world come to an end if I just accepted that there are going to be days I cannot show up. I will go to the grocery with stains on my shirt and not be worried by it. Confession. I found a noodle stuck to my top while shopping the other day. I seriously thought for one minute that I was so pathetic and then I just had to laugh. Don't get me wrong here, I basically look presentable when I go out, but there was a time I wouldn't go unless I was perfect and now it seems I swung a little to far in the other direction for a while. Anyway, the point is who cares if I'm the way I am? Maybe I just don't want to expend all of the energy it takes to be super skinny and shiny all of the time.

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(((Hugs))) to everyone.

 

I'm feel like I"m taking up oxygen that could be useful for someone who is making a difference in the world, my body feels like I got hit by a truck. Not sure if this is related to starting Abilify or not. 

 

I don't know whether to laugh or cry or do both hysterically.  I woke up this morning to a loud buzzing which I thought was flies behind my blinds - no, no flies.......I have bees in my wall, they got in through my rotted windowsill!  I like bees, but not in my walls!  I honestly don't know how much more I can take before they cart me away to a padded cell..........(deep breaths)

 

((((((((Hugs))))))))) to everyone, and an extra hug for my special friends :)

 

Geesus, Purple. I am so sorry!!! It's time for you to have some good stuff happen. :hugs: Sending some strength, patience, and peace your way.

You make a difference in my world.

Love to you

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It's like I'm wrapped in invisible chains, physically AND mentally. My entire body is in pain and my back in particular, resulting in trouble moving without it being very awkward and "jerky", and for some reason I also have major panic attacks today, which is really annoying. Still managed to force myself out of the apartment.

 

 

In a state of panic I don't know what to do I can't turn 19 I shouldn't be alive that long

 

I felt like this when I turned 23. As a kid when I thought about the future I always imagined myself as a 22-year old adult with a stable job etc, then when everything started falling apart I felt like I would never even get to that age. Now I'm PAST that age and I'm like "Why am I alive", like this is just wrong and not how it's supposed to be

Edited by SenorDomino
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Dang, I missed a lot of posts! A few recaps:

 

Freckledface, you have every bit as much right to that oxygen as anyone else. Keep on breathing it, and exhaling CO2 so the plants can live!

 

I feel really bad about what happened in Turkey. This whole world seems on edge. Maybe it always has been but we are now getting the news faster.

 

Havehope, glad you are sticking around!

 

Me? I'm feeling pretty good. My daughter and I visited the site of a Native American settlement that was active around 1500 years ago, as part of her anthropology class. It was an amazing couple of hours. It's a real perspective-changer to think you're standing on ground that other people have been standing on for thousands of years. The professor who led the tour said that there's evidence of people living in our area dating back 12,000 years. They hunted mammoths and mastodons. Can you imagine those big suckers roaming around the countryside??

 

Happy Sunday, everyone.

Edited by JD4010
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Like many others here today, my moods are swinging and unstable this morning.  I don't know which way it's going to go.  I had a nice telephone chat with one friend and a visit from another that perked me up last night - after an awful day - for which I am thankful. It just feels like a tough go this morning.

 

On top of that, I am getting sick - major ear ache - have to go into the clinic.

 

Fighting my brain is getting so tiresome.

Oh the joys of mood swings. Ha.

You raise a question worthy of discussion. It's something I've been really thinking about lately. I've noticed that so many of us, including me, have this tendency to want to fight our brains. I'm wondering if anyone has had any success is giving this fight up a bit? I have this habit of questioning things before I have them hammered out, but I'm not referring to giving up the fight to live, or even to live well within the confines of our illnesses, but rather give up this idea that somehow I can wrestle more out of myself than I realistically can. Would the world come to an end if I just accepted that there are going to be days I cannot show up. I will go to the grocery with stains on my shirt and not be worried by it. Confession. I found a noodle stuck to my top while shopping the other day. I seriously thought for one minute that I was so pathetic and then I just had to laugh. Don't get me wrong here, I basically look presentable when I go out, but there was a time I wouldn't go unless I was perfect and now it seems I swung a little to far in the other direction for a while. Anyway, the point is who cares if I'm the way I am? Maybe I just don't want to expend all of the energy it takes to be super skinny and shiny all of the time.

 

Yes, renee - I have had some success, periodically doing this.  So much so that I think it is essential, especially for people like me who can ruminate almost to an OCD level.  

 

Trouble, as always I find, is settling my brain down when it's "going wild."  In other words, I find it difficult to stop fighting.

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I have decided that my weight is one of the roots of, if not the main root of my depression...causing low self-esteem, low self-confidence, low self-worth and some physical ailments including mild sleep apnea and probably low metabolism, which are both zapping my energy. My weight and being out of shape keeps me from doing lots of things I'd want to do, it keeps me indoors too much.

 

I saw the sleep specialist a couple days ago and since my apnea is mild he says I don't really need a cpap machine. He recommended a dental device or losing weight. I have been trying to lose weight and have managed to lose some this yr. already, but haven't lost anything in a couple months and I really needle to buckle down and get back to it. My exercising has been sporadic at best.

 

But it's kind of a catch 22, I need to lose weight so I'll sleep better and have more energy and not be so depressed, but I need energy and motivation (meaning no depression) to be able to exercise with any regularity and enough "oomph" to lose the weight. GAH. This is where I'm really praying that the Wellbutrin (or some AD med) will provide some much needed help...and SOON.

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Feeling sick.  I've been having a rough few days.  My period has totally messed everything up in my mind and my body.  Going to make a doctor's appointment to see what can be done about this.  Had a suicidal feeling night on Friday, then yesterday was in so much physical pain I could barely walk, and I have to be on my feet all day at work.  Now I'm feeling a little better mentally but physically I'm just destroyed.  I don't have to work today thankfully, but ug I'm feeling so ill.

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Had a bit of a crying spell earlier today, but I blame it on physiology, nothing more. Two girlfriends phoned me and I'll see my sons tonight. Day three of being back on low carb which is crucial to bettering my depression. Luv to all of you. 

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