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Am I Officially Asexual Or Just Haven't Found The "right Type"?


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I'm a 23-year old, straight female. I've been an introvert my whole life, but had a couple of boyfriends in high school. I've dealt with some depression/eating disorder issues over the past few years and haven't been interested in relationships, but lately I've been trying to push myself to socialize more in general and have gone on a few casual outings with a guy I recently met. I must admit I'm still struggling with mood and emotion instability, but otherwise my health has been stable.

I understand I'm not a horny, hormonal teenager anymore, but I haven't felt ANYTHING with ANYONE. No butterflies, no racing heart, and the thought of anything sexual is repulsive to me.

He kissed me the other day and I found it absolutely disgusting. The guy is really nice and charming, but I am adverse to any form of intimacy, and I feel so bad because I don't want to lead him on...

Could it be that my hormonal system is somehow permanently damaged and I'm just not capable of feeling aroused or attracted to someone in a romantic way? Am I just being too picky? I can't expect to form a proper relationship when my own head is still so messed up and out of balance. 

Or maybe I just haven't found someone who brings that side out in me?

This is all so confusing, all I know is that I tried but can't force myself to feel anything passionate. I'm fully confident of my sexual orientation, so that's not the issue. But nothing seems to "turn me on", and it feels fake when I pretend otherwise.

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Never at all how was your family life growing up have you been rejected at all,when i was trying to get dates and I had women that would lead me on I lost all my romantic feelings,I don,t get the butterfly thing in the stomach,I don,t want to date anymore because its to much buls*** I have to go thru to even get a date and feel like women look down on me like there superior don,t want to put any effort to be interesting at all and expect me to do all the work I have to much pride to be like that I have to much self respect to change my whole personailty just to the standards women invent in there heads and want me to live up to. I don,t want to be one of those desprate guys that falls head over heels then I gets treated like a source of entertainment and a atm then the second im not feeling good or they think im boring its bye byet hats not really a relationship at all thats me being treated like a object I still have alot of sexual feelings.

 

I think if you have no sexual feelings at all thats a sign something is wrong with your hormones.

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Hi SapphireOwl.

Remember that whatever your sexuality is, it's yours, it's part of who you are, for you to use in whichever way makes you happy and you don't owe it to anybody. Nobody has the right to you sexually, it's for you to keep or share, and you are not depriving anybody of their rights by saying no.

There are many possible reasons why you might not want a sexlife, at least not right now. Asexuality is a real thing. Some people are jst wired that way and that's just as good and valid as anything else. A person has no obligation to be sexual. It is also very possible that your mental and emotional issues are "switching off" your sexuality. It's very normal for people with depression and similar to experience lack of sexdrive.

No matter what the cause is, respect your own feelings and don't force yourself to do something you don't feel like doing. Your sexuality might show up someday or it might not, either way it is okay. The important thing is that you follow and respect what your gut instinct tell you. Nobody benefits from you trying to force yourself to do things. Pressure or force should never be part of sex, no matter who does the pressuring, because that is very damaging to your self esteem and self worth.

You have many other values than just your sexuality and people will want to have relationships with you for many other reasons than sexual. Having some really good, close friends is a good place to start. Finding other types of closeness than just sexual closeness.

Remember, if you're worried about your health with regards to all this, that's what doctors are for :-) They'll be happy to have a talk, take a blood sample and all that, to get rid of any worry.

All the best

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Hi, 

 

Im not sure if it has been anorexia or not but AN can suppress stuff like this for some as can anti depression meds. But from what you say it seems it is more than just lack of interest and so I wonder about psychological stuff too. Sometimes there can be a fear of emotional intimacy involved and that isnt that unusual with certain types of eating disorders. Discomfort about ones body can also lead to discomfort about sex or contact. So I think its probably to early to say you are asexual and yes looking at physical stuff like hormones is definitely a good idea and especially since it has been battered by an ed. 

 

How do you feel about being grown up and adult? With some ed's there is a rejection of this aspect of things and a desire to remain a child, You said you arent a hormonal teenager any more so does that mean you have felt something in the past or have you never? I you have before then I am no expert but think you definitely arent asexual. 

Edited by Fizzle
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I had a perfectly normal childhood/adolescence - loving parents, an appropriate amount of intimacy. Although I was always pretty introverted, I didn't fear rejection and in high school I enjoyed physical interaction with my boyfriends. I never became sexually active, but it was just a matter of preferring to wait until I was a bit older. I felt comfortable, and enjoyed kissing and touching. 

That's why this is so confusing for me right now. Up until a couple of years ago I had "normal" heterosexual feelings, getting crushes, being attracted to certain people, feeling my heart racing or giddy around particular guys.

But that's all gone now. I don't know if it's ME, and MY emotional issues, or just the absence of a "spark" that's no one's fault. It's been a while since I've been in the dating game, so maybe I just need some time to get used to it. But that kiss...it wasn't just awkward, it was literally gross. I don't want to assume that's how it will feel with every other guy out there, but right now I feel completely put off by any intimacy with this guy in particular.

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I have to say that it being a new thing sounds very much like it isnt about asexuality to me. If you have been restricting food and if you are underweight still I really encourage you to see an eating disorder dr to do a full range of tests. And to discuss with your t feelings about intimacy in more general terms. Like how you feel about emotional intimacy now and what your body image is if that is part of this. 

 

You might also just not find this guy physically attractive. You cant force these things. 

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I have to agree. It also sounds less like asexuality to me too now that you say it's a new thing and hasn't been like this all your life.

Many types of mental illness, including such things as depression and body dysmorphia, can drastically lower your sex drive and make you feel uncomfortable with physical intimacy. If this is the case with you, then all you can do is deal with the underlying issues, and then your sexuality and wish for intimacy will return when you're better. All in good time. :-)

As Fizzle says, it might also just be this one guy. That's completely normal. You can't fancy everyone.

But it does sound to me like you have some psychological issues that are taking up your mental energy these days, so you may just need to take care of yourself first, before you're ready to bring someone else in that close and before you have the excess energy and optimism needed for crushes, giddy feelings and racing heartbeat.

Hugs and best wishes

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people have mostly covered what i was going to say.

asexuality: this is a real thing and feeling like you don't want sex doesn't necessarily mean there is anything medically wrong.

 

depression: i think that depression is known to reduce people's libidos. this is definitely a factor. and also, when dealing with this type of issue, you just may not feel like doing anything else in the romance department.

 

medication: yes any medication could be altering your hormones.

 

chemistry: yeah you can't force chemistry. it's clear you don't have it with this guy. i'd move on from that, just be friends if you want to be.

and if it's not the right time for you for romance right now, don't force it.

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