Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Ammt84

Sabotaging Relationships

Recommended Posts

Quick back story:

I met a guy on a dating website back in April. We talk often, as in all day everyday. We've become very close and he's basically my go to person to talk to about my day to day life, and it's the same with him. We haven't met yet, because he says he's not ready. Well he is ready, and wants to meet me but is afraid I won't like him in person. He has bad teeth (I've seen pictures and I'm not bothered by it) and generally just doesn't feel that he's good enough for me.

He recently confided in me that he spends most nights crying in bed, and that he's a nobody, has nothing, never will and he doesn't know how much longer he'll be around because life is so hard.

He has said many times that he would be happy with me, spending time together etc and he really does want to meet but he's afraid. So from what I've gathered he's in self sabotage mode. He feels he's at bottom right now and although he wants happiness he's scared of getting it and then losing it. So right now he has the happiness of talking to me, but if we take it a step further he's either going to lose me then or lose me down the road.

At this point, I'm not pushing anything, just trying to be consistent with my feelings and be there for him, and even if there ends up being no relationship id still like to be friends.

Is there anyway to help ease his mind about meeting? I'm at a total loss, and really just want to give this guy a hug and be there in person because I know it would help him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Basically.. if he worries about losing you, he will lose you because he will flip out over something that will inevitability push you away. That's really all I can say about it.

He needs to trust in himself, and trust that you will stay with him, and above all, not worry about things that haven't happened.

Edited by Twilight Sky

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While Twilight Sky makes valid points, it doesn't sound like this guy is in the kind of position where he can do that. You do need to be aware that he's likely going to try and push you away, completely against what he wants or needs.

 

Honestly, even if you ease his mind about meeting, he's still going to be nervous about it. He's likely going to be scared of losing you no matter what you say or do - it's more a matter of how scared. And that fear comes from within, so what you can do to mitigate it is kind of limited.

 

Easing his mind is probably going to be a lot easier said than done ... but being patient will help a lot. If he feels like you're invested in him personally, it might go a long way. Though you've been talking since April, so you're obviously invested at this point. Also, you can try and emphasize why you like him - why you want to meet him. I'd avoid mentioning that you think it'll help him a lot, and focus more on how much you want to meet him yourself. He's your go-to person about your daily life, so you can maybe drop comments about how important or helpful that is to you. It's a way of building up his self-confidence without attacking it directly - the more directly you approach it, the less it'll work. He'll start to think you're "just saying it." Since he's already afraid he's not good enough for you, he's going to be hyper-sensitive to anything that he thinks is random comments, not actually meant, or disguised insults - even though you likely won't intend for any of that. So it's good if you can stick with facts. Like "yesterday when we talked about X problem, it really helped me - I appreciate that" instead of "I really like talking to you." That kind of thing. I'm still wrapping my own head around trying to do that, but it does seem to help. The less he can argue with what you've said or done (in his head) the more he'll actually believe it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm pretty much the guy in this situation, and I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he's super supportive and thinks the world of me. But I think I'm a s***ty person and he deserves so much more than me and the "perfect girlfriend". It's really hard for me to communicate what I'm feeling, I just kind of sit in my empty depressed hole and sometimes I can crawl out to be around him and sometimes I just push him away. He's constantly saying I can talk to him about anything and he loves me and I'm beautiful. I guess that's more helpful than if he wasn't saying anything but in my head it's just words and it doesn't make me feel any better. I have no desire to talk, I can barely muster enough energy to talk to my therapist. I don't know what I would say, I just know I feel bad, but I don't know what to say about it.

 

I'm sorry, this probably isn't helpful and I'm just rambling about myself. I guess just being there for me if I do want to open up and not being offended or taking it personally if I'm pushing him away. It's always so much easier to be by yourself and not go out and interact with others. Also, just being distracted. Sometimes, I don't want to be treated like a patient and coddled; I just want some sense of normalcy and to laugh and to make me forget for a short bit of time that I feel like a shell of a person...

 

I hope that's a little bit helpful..good luck :hearthrob:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I really appreciate the responses :)

This may be more of just advice for myself, but how do I keep from getting my hopes up on this situation? Every weekend I give myself this glimmer of hope that he'll be ready and want to hang out, but he usually has other plans with his brother. Which ends up leaving me super disappointed, and I don't like feeling that way. He keeps saying that we will soon and talks about the things he wants to do together. There's a huge list, and I feel like I'm missing out.

Might seem ridiculous since we haven't met, but I know that I want to be with this guy. He wants to take it slow, and we have been, but is it possible to let him know my needs about meeting without making him back away? I just feel like until that happens were stuck, and I want to move forward.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

all i would suggest is for you to be patient. Make sure he understands that you are completely open to meet him and be there for him, but also that you respect it if he needs time to feel more comfortable to do so.... eventually he will either get out of his fears and give it a shot... or push you away... but from your side being patient and communicative of your support is all you can and should offer! 

Good Luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well... He pushed me away. Still there for him and reaching out once in awhile to let him know I'm still here, but not often that I hear from him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just be patient, it's good that you are still reaching out to him. If he really likes you he will come around if not then he lost a good thing. 

 

I also I don't want you to get hurt in the process. I've had this happened to me before. Dated a girl for 6 months was really patient, when I finally asked her if she wanted to be girlfriend and boyfriend she freaked out told me she wasn't ready, it hurt a lot. Although we had a lot of fun in the process I sometimes feel I wasted my time. Sorry all i'm saying is just be careful with your feelings, if he is not the right one i'm sure their are plenty of men suitable for you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...