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My Ptsd People. I Have A Question :)


lp44

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Hi ip. sorry if it seemed I was in any way dismissing the impact as I truly wasnt. I really do understand that you dont discuss these things and therefore how hard it is here and with t and and h. 

 

I know how it feels to be very cagey with what one says not only because of having difficulty sharing but also because the content is a little like a minefield. I also truly wasnt meaning to pressure you into saying more than you are comfortable with. 

 

I wont say  more but I think I have a clearer picture and that it is overt and graphic and  of course it isnt ok. I hope you and your t work out a way to deal with this. 

 

I think any and all limits one needs in order to safeguard ones well-being in a relationship are normal to ask for. If someone was being harmed by unexpected shoulder touching then limits around that are normal to ask for, 

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Hi Fizzle,

Though I really don't technically "know" you I would never think something you posted was anything other than intended to help or encourage a person.  You prove yourself on that point time and time again on this forum.  I assure you I didn't think anything in any way negative. 

Minefield indeed....I'm exhausted from stepping on mines.  Everything about this process is a fight.

A fight to just logistically fit it in my day.  To find myself worthy of saving.  T takes time away from my family... the single most important thing to me in this world.

T takes time away from work (tho just after hours work... my work is never done) T takes money from the family budget.  T takes travel time that isn't quick. 

 

Then as if that weren't enough... this whole PTSD sh*$$ is such a vicious cycle when it is triggered.... which it is every week by something... daily sometimes.  Therapy alone is a trigger.  I have the strongest will ever.  I am tenacious and do not shy away from difficulty or pain (though unfortunately I prefer physical pain)

 

I feel like I have made progress in this past year... especially when you consider where I was when I first came to this forum.  However, standing at the point I am now I am so exhausted.  Exhausted and no one in my everyday world knows what I have even been attempting to overcome in the last year (except my therapist)  The stress of talking to anyone here is just more than I can handle right now... maybe ever.

 

I feel like....hummm.....here's an amusing way to think of how I feel right now..... think Tom and Jerry Cartoons.  Tom constantly gets in trouble with his owner, ya know.  She doesn't want anymore noise in the house.  Tom and Jerry have gotten into it.  Above Tom are all these dishes about to come crashing down.  Jerry knows this ;). One by one they start falling.  Tom uses everything he has to stop the avalanche. Hands, feet, lip, nose, ears, hip....LOL...its a comical sight.  He breathes a sigh of relief when he thinks that last one has been caught and he thinks the rest of the ones on the shelf are stable.  Ok so you know what happens next..... yep.... one more comes down and everything goes to he!! in a handbag. (by the way....oddest phrase ever... what does that even mean?)

 

I feel that juggling act every day of my life.  I don't know how much longer I can do it before everything falls apart.

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Thank you Lacewing :)  I'll check it out.  I think now that I am not fighting a PTSD diagnosis I really don't know where to go from here exactly if that makes any sense.  I have new awareness to some degree, but not a lot of coping skills.

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Hi lp44,

From reading your posts, I see so many similarities in how you and I are experiencing ptsd and operate in general. Nice to meet a kindred spirit dealing with similar struggles. I know it's exhausting and difficult- try to be patient and kind to yourself :)

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Hi Tom. I know the plate catching and juggling act very well and it could be comic if it wasnt a little tragic! Im sorry you are a plate catcher and juggler. 

 

The only way I have survived is by putting down as many plates as I can. I threw some out the window and let then break. I hid some away in cupboards. I gave some to others in the room even when they didnt want them. My hands are quite full enough with minefield i negotiate each day to be juggling the rest and after a lifetime of doing that I can no longer do it. I really encourage you to get rid of as many of those plates as you can! Sometimes if you dont make those hard decisions to get rid of them or farm them out then the whole lot crashes down and getting back after that is no easy task. 

 

You have done so much. Not long ago you thought you would never be able to go to a t. Then that you would never tell her certain things. Then that you would never ever be abkle to see a new t when you left that one. Ever!Then that you could never go back when you had a gap. All sorts is possible even when we feel it isnt. You have the tenacity to do anything you set your mind to and doing less can be one of those things. When you decide it is right for you of course. 

Edited by Fizzle
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Thanks Pablito!  It is always nice to know someone thinks like you do!  Makes us feel less alone... somehow that's half the battle

 

Thanks Fizzle. I always appreciate your insight.  I am pretty much down to where it would be wise to just deal with the bare bones... work and family.  Because you are right... once you get to a place where it all falls apart... coming back isn't always easy.  All of that is easier said than done however.

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i feel for you and what you are going through. 
i think that as someone else said, when people don't know about the trauma/trigger source, and don't know much about that sort of thing themselves, they can be kind of oblivious.
but, just from a general marriage standpoint, if you repeatedly ask him to stop doing something that is really bothering you, then he needs to stop. the fact that he ignores this is not good.

i know you haven't told him and may not want to, but i think that you may need to make him understand the seriousness of the reason why this bothers you, and how it bothers you, and why. and that this is not some trivial request that you are making, and that it's not ok for him to just ignore you when you say to stop doing it.

you deserve to not be put in a situation over and over again where you feel really uncomfortable and triggered, when all he has to do is listen to you. that's not ok. 

 

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Icarus21--  :)

 

Stardreamer--I know 110% that if you haven't ever experienced something like PTSD or the reasons for it that you completely can't get it.  My H is only human.  However, you are also completely right to say that as specific as I have been that he shouldn't keep doing it.  Its not every day or anything.... but at least every other or sometimes every day for a while.  Its really bad sometimes.

I will never take him to my therapist.  Just being honest.  I cant. :( My H ...ok guy... but gosh has a lot of issues.  At least I know I have issues.  He rather thinks he has all the answers.  Not only does he not have all the answers.... he isn't even asking the right questions.  Its sad and its hard. 

I have honestly come to a place where I'm not sure I can fully recover from some of what I need to with him in my life..... but at the same time its just not that easy... walking away.  It affects us all.

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lp44,

 

So sorry to hear you are having a tough time.  PTSD has consumed my life.  I'm sure there are many forms of PTSD.  But I fought a war in the 80's and 90's where I lost almost 100 friends in the span of three years to AIDS.  Two of them my very best friends who both bravely went through it together, and passed three months apart.  Memorial services became my social life for years.  It was devastating to see 20 and 30 year old people pass in such a horrible way at such a young age.  The point is I have not and probably will never get over this.  What seems to console me is to remember them and in a way keep them alive in my heart.  Then, in some strange way, I kind of think they are still around.  Coupled with that and my mom and dad's passing, well, a crying time happens almost daily for me.  It's about missing them so much it hurts.  But also trying to keep them alive and not forgotten.

 

A heavy burden for anyone to carry, in particular someone with chronic depression and anxiety.  I don't think there is any time limit on grieving which I think contributes to PTSD.  I am involved with Disabled Veterans of America both financially and as a partner.  To imagine what our veterans have seen when deployed makes one shutter, and in comparison makes mines seem less important.  But we all have seen a tremendous amount of loss, and have witnessed people dying in the most horrible and painful way.

 

I'm convinced PTSD is a major part of my depression and has been for several years.  I see a new counselor who deals with this next week, thanks to Fizzle and your helpful suggestions, so I'll let you know how that goes.  I really appreciate both your comments so much.  I'm hoping he will give me coping skills for this and maybe once I can put this and so much of my past in a box and move forward, my depression will lessen.

 

I'm sorry, all this is really to help you and here I'm talking about me.  I'm glad your seeing a T to get an objective opinion and some validation for you feelings.  I really like stardreamers posts and think their is good information in them concerning the situation with your husband.  I think it is important to communicate with him, what your feelings are.  Maybe in a therapist's office if he is willing to go.

 

With all this said, bottom line, yes I get PTSD very well, so you are certainly not alone.  I do wish you luck and good wishes and I know you will do the right thing.  Whatever is in your heart and is your truth.

 

Best always,

 

Jeff 

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Icarus21--  :)

 

Stardreamer--I know 110% that if you haven't ever experienced something like PTSD or the reasons for it that you completely can't get it.  My H is only human.  However, you are also completely right to say that as specific as I have been that he shouldn't keep doing it.  Its not every day or anything.... but at least every other or sometimes every day for a while.  Its really bad sometimes.

I will never take him to my therapist.  Just being honest.  I cant. :( My H ...ok guy... but gosh has a lot of issues.  At least I know I have issues.  He rather thinks he has all the answers.  Not only does he not have all the answers.... he isn't even asking the right questions.  Its sad and its hard. 

I have honestly come to a place where I'm not sure I can fully recover from some of what I need to with him in my life..... but at the same time its just not that easy... walking away.  It affects us all.

i'm sorry you're having to be in a non-supportive environment during this. hugs.

it is important to take stock of things and it's good that you are starting to evaluate things. 

but, unless things are just overall really bad and there is no hope of it changing, it's probably better to go to the "talk to him in earnest" option before taking the "walk away" option. if you just leave without telling him about it or making there be an opportunity for him to really understand, then it's not really making him aware of all the facts. 

maybe just tell him the things you are dealing with, and that you really need his support in making things easier for you during this time, and lay out what it is you need from him (and hopefully why). then he has a chance to say he's going to try, or not. and if the answer is "not", well then i think you have your answer.

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lp44,

So sorry to hear you are having a tough time. PTSD has consumed my life. I'm sure there are many forms of PTSD. But I fought a war in the 80's and 90's where I lost almost 100 friends in the span of three years to AIDS. Two of them my very best friends who both bravely went through it together, and passed three months apart. Memorial services became my social life for years. It was devastating to see 20 and 30 year old people pass in such a horrible way at such a young age. The point is I have not and probably will never get over this. What seems to console me is to remember them and in a way keep them alive in my heart. Then, in some strange way, I kind of think they are still around. Coupled with that and my mom and dad's passing, well, a crying time happens almost daily for me. It's about missing them so much it hurts. But also trying to keep them alive and not forgotten.

A heavy burden for anyone to carry, in particular someone with chronic depression and anxiety. I don't think there is any time limit on grieving which I think contributes to PTSD. I am involved with Disabled Veterans of America both financially and as a partner. To imagine what our veterans have seen when deployed makes one shutter, and in comparison makes mines seem less important. But we all have seen a tremendous amount of loss, and have witnessed people dying in the most horrible and painful way.

I'm convinced PTSD is a major part of my depression and has been for several years. I see a new counselor who deals with this next week, thanks to Fizzle and your helpful suggestions, so I'll let you know how that goes. I really appreciate both your comments so much. I'm hoping he will give me coping skills for this and maybe once I can put this and so much of my past in a box and move forward, my depression will lessen.

I'm sorry, all this is really to help you and here I'm talking about me. I'm glad your seeing a T to get an objective opinion and some validation for you feelings. I really like stardreamers posts and think their is good information in them concerning the situation with your husband. I think it is important to communicate with him, what your feelings are. Maybe in a therapist's office if he is willing to go.

With all this said, bottom line, yes I get PTSD very well, so you are certainly not alone. I do wish you luck and good wishes and I know you will do the right thing. Whatever is in your heart and is your truth.

Best always,

Jeff

Hi Jeff,

Thanks for being willing to share part of your story here. I always find people's stories to be a healing thing.

Please do let us know how the new therapist goes. Therapy is a difficult journey.

I talked again today in T about my inability to talk to my H. I'm not sure completely why that wall is so firm. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit. Plus I really think I need to process so much more for myself first.

I don't know.:(

Thanks for your input. I look forward to reading about your journey.

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Icarus21-- :)

Stardreamer--I know 110% that if you haven't ever experienced something like PTSD or the reasons for it that you completely can't get it. My H is only human. However, you are also completely right to say that as specific as I have been that he shouldn't keep doing it. Its not every day or anything.... but at least every other or sometimes every day for a while. Its really bad sometimes.

I will never take him to my therapist. Just being honest. I cant. :( My H ...ok guy... but gosh has a lot of issues. At least I know I have issues. He rather thinks he has all the answers. Not only does he not have all the answers.... he isn't even asking the right questions. Its sad and its hard.

I have honestly come to a place where I'm not sure I can fully recover from some of what I need to with him in my life..... but at the same time its just not that easy... walking away. It affects us all.

i'm sorry you're having to be in a non-supportive environment during this. hugs.

it is important to take stock of things and it's good that you are starting to evaluate things.

but, unless things are just overall really bad and there is no hope of it changing, it's probably better to go to the "talk to him in earnest" option before taking the "walk away" option. if you just leave without telling him about it or making there be an opportunity for him to really understand, then it's not really making him aware of all the facts.

maybe just tell him the things you are dealing with, and that you really need his support in making things easier for you during this time, and lay out what it is you need from him (and hopefully why). then he has a chance to say he's going to try, or not. and if the answer is "not", well then i think you have your answer.

Thank you :)

I don't at all plan on leaving. It's just that I have clearly noticed .....so clearly noticed how tense I am in my own home. As stressful as my job is I am more in my element there. It's like I can't relax anywhere...anytime. That's sad.

Plus it's made for risky behavior lately...just to numb out.

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Thank you :)

I don't at all plan on leaving. It's just that I have clearly noticed .....so clearly noticed how tense I am in my own home. As stressful as my job is I am more in my element there. It's like I can't relax anywhere...anytime. That's sad.

Plus it's made for risky behavior lately...just to numb out.

 

hugs. sorry to hear that. your home at least, needs to be a safe space where you can relax.

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Thank you :)

I don't at all plan on leaving. It's just that I have clearly noticed .....so clearly noticed how tense I am in my own home. As stressful as my job is I am more in my element there. It's like I can't relax anywhere...anytime. That's sad.

Plus it's made for risky behavior lately...just to numb out.

hugs. sorry to hear that. your home at least, needs to be a safe space where you can relax.

Thank you. I agree...but one day at a time I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for.

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Hi Ip,

 

I think in a wider context there was a certain hierarchy of importance when it came to the plates that I had to deal with. Learning about triggers and managing them came later for me and I am still trying but being able to have proper boundaries in my own house came first and it was hard. 

 

I think there can be a lot of reasons to find it hard to talk and lay those lines down other than the obvious ones of not being able to care for oneself and prioritise that. Like a fear of intimacy. Asking firmly enough and being heard means the relationship gets better and if you have a fear of emotional closeness then that is scary. Asking and telling clearly means someone knows more about you as a person. Less walls to hide behind. Discussing any of this with a human being breaks down partitions which are there to make it seem unreal and therefore not as frightening. Less walls equals less compartmentalisation and more reality. That in itself can be like a huge big processing in my experience. 

 

Being able to care for my every day needs like food and  rest and boundaries was the biggest lot of plate reduction that I did in some respects as it made everything else more doable. Work was part of that. I cant say I still feel guaranteed of not being physically harmed in my home again but I feel it is unlikely now and that I have a voice to say it is wrong and a way of reacting to it that is self protective. 

 

I do truly know that getting rid of all the plates you can is no easy task. I hope you find it in you to start doing it. I think many of us use doing as a means of coping so its hard to adjust but in the longer term it is freeing too. I no longer have to do to be and I no longer appease others because I dont have any ability to set limits. I have lots of problems protecting myself still but that falls into another lot of things alongside dissociation and other stuff and my "relationship" is still decidedly unconventional. 

 

I think the first thing is laying down boundaries in a definite way as you never know what someone can adjust to until you see what happens. And then if he isnt able and it is making you sick it may be time to think of other things. Hopefully your t can help you with all of this. I know its really hard. It took me years of t just getting assertiveness right. 

Edited by Fizzle
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Hi Ip,

I think in a wider context there was a certain hierarchy of importance when it came to the plates that I had to deal with. Learning about triggers and managing them came later for me and I am still trying but being able to have proper boundaries in my own house came first and it was hard.

I think there can be a lot of reasons to find it hard to talk and lay those lines down other than the obvious ones of not being able to care for oneself and prioritise that. Like a fear of intimacy. Asking firmly enough and being heard means the relationship gets better and if you have a fear of emotional closeness then that is scary. Asking and telling clearly means someone knows more about you as a person. Less walls to hide behind. Discussing any of this with a human being breaks down partitions which are there to make it seem unreal and therefore not as frightening. Less walls equals less compartmentalisation and more reality. That in itself can be like a huge big processing in my experience.

Being able to care for my every day needs like food and rest and boundaries was the biggest lot of plate reduction that I did in some respects as it made everything else more doable. Work was part of that. I cant say I still feel guaranteed of not being physically harmed in my home again but I feel it is unlikely now and that I have a voice to say it is wrong and a way of reacting to it that is self protective.

I do truly know that getting rid of all the plates you can is no easy task. I hope you find it in you to start doing it. I think many of us use doing as a means of coping so its hard to adjust but in the longer term it is freeing too. I no longer have to do to be and I no longer appease others because I dont have any ability to set limits. I have lots of problems protecting myself still but that falls into another lot of things alongside dissociation and other stuff and my "relationship" is still decidedly unconventional.

I think the first thing is laying down boundaries in a definite way as you never know what someone can adjust to until you see what happens. And then if he isnt able and it is making you sick it may be time to think of other things. Hopefully your t can help you with all of this. I know its really hard. It took me years of t just getting assertiveness right.

Thank you Fizzle. I'll be back to properly respond..kinda going under with ed and sh issues/ symptoms. So tired right now. I desperately need a sabbatical from life I think. Edited by lp44
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Again thank you Fizzle.  Learning that it is ok to set up boundaries and to not have to give "research" to prove that I need certain things.... to justify my needs... is a hard journey.

I must say again I am way thankful for my T again.  Who I don't think I ever told you is pretty  DBT....not that she doesn't use other methods.

 

Sometimes I really think I am going crazy.  Navigating this journey is so difficult.  I never thought I could really do T, but she gives me hope.  She goes above and beyond when she doesn't have to.

On the flip side....OMGosh....PTSD is so hard... and confusing... and unpredictable.

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Hi Ip,

 

I know  very well how hard that journey is from personal experience. You are doing well and making progress. 

 

Its great you are able to feel so positive about your t and never loose that ability. Its a great help when it comes to being in t. 

 

And the pts stuff - all of those things. :(

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Fizzle, so am I. I've been doing loads of puzzles in my puzzle book (crosswords etc) to try to numb my mind.

Horrible memories flash in my head and there's so many triggers. i can feel the trauma physically and it makes it so hard for me to even move. It sort of has a paralysing effect on me.

i clutch my head with the sheer emotional pain of it and close my eyes as tightly as i can, trying to get the torment to stop. i don't think it will ever stop. i just do temporary things to try to manage it but i desperately want peace.

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Hi Ip,

I know very well how hard that journey is from personal experience. You are doing well and making progress.

Its great you are able to feel so positive about your t and never loose that ability. Its a great help when it comes to being in t.

And the pts stuff - all of those things. :(

Thanks Fizzle. I know you get it.
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