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On September 10Th, 2015, Everything Changed

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Hello everyone. On Thursday night, as I struggled to fall asleep (which is a normal thing for me) a phrase went through my mind that really scared me. In the middle of overthinking many things at once (also normal), I thought to myself "I wish I wouldn't wake up." This kind of came out of nowhere, and it wasn't until then that I realized that I have some serious issues that I need to take care of. After doing some research on the internet, I found that most symptoms of depression describe me perfectly. I searched the internet for a local support group, just so I could talk to some people who have similar problems. After not finding anything remotely close to me, I found this forum, which has been a big help and, well, lead me to join. Reading some posts from other users struck a nerve and opened my mind to the possibility that I may have several things going on. I have not made an appointment to see a medical professional just yet, because honestly I am scared to open up to a stranger. I did find a place that will accept my insurance, and will be setting up an appointment soon. I hope that by opening up to other members here that I will be more relaxed talking to a professional, and maybe even get more insight to things.

About me - I'm 38, married, and have a young son. Last night I told my wife that I think that I am ill, and while she was surprised, she was supportive. We talked for a couple hours and went through a timeline of the last 10 years or so of my life, and a lot of things started to make sense. A big thing in my life is that I have no one to talk to about something like this. I feel that most of my friends would laugh, and after reading http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/111317-men-and-the-stigma-of-mental-illness-depression-and-gender/ I can see why. Friends that I do know well enough that I could confide in probably wouldn't believe me, as I have worked my whole life to get out of poverty and enjoy a little bit of sucess in my career. It's almost like when Robin Williams took his life, and people would say things like "how can someone have all that money and still be sad?" Well, I am not well off like that in any way shape or form, but good enough that I could see the same thing being said about me. I've worked the past 20 years to get where I am, and don't even really enjoy it. Money doesn't buy happiness.

It seems that over the past 10 years, I have slowly changed into what I am today. Many things I just chalked up as "getting old" but some things couldn't be explained. It's hard for me to type out 10 years of changes, but I am not the same. It was an unusal feeling to piece things together and to see them add up, but at the same time it was good to see some kind of connection that made sense.

I don't know how far I should go with this introduction, so maybe I'll just end it here. I want to thank all of those responsible for putting this site together and those who have shared their experiences, as it has been a big help to me over the past two days. I will try my best to update my progress. Thanks!

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Hi mhawkins, and welcome to DF.

I'm glad you found us. This is a very warm, welcoming, and supportive community of people, many of whom can relate to how you are feeling.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to seek professional help. Getting treatment can make all the difference in your quality of life.

There is a lot of good information here on this Forum.

Please make yourself feel at home, take a look around the site, and post wherever you feel comfortable.

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Hi there,


I'm really glad you found this forum and introduced yourself. I've been where you are and it's a scary place to be. Really glad to hear that you have a supportive wife and that you're going to be seeking professional help.


This forum is also a great place to write out your feelings out and connect with people who really get where you are.


I hope to see you around the forums.


Best of luck to you on your journey.



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Welcome to DF, mhawkins!  :hugs:   I'm glad you are finally able to start putting the pieces of the puzzle together.  I don't blame you for not wanting to share these things with people you know.  I have made the same choice, because in the past responses to my depression struggle have been, lets say less than supportive at best.  My family does their best to understand and support me, and in that way I"m really lucky.  I'm glad you're wife is being so supportive of you, that's a real blessing. DF is a good place to express these emotions and struggles safely.  I hope you find the support and encouragement here on DF that you need and deserve. 

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