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Not Sure As Where To Post This, I Hope This Is Right.


Ruri

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[WARNING LONG POST]

 

Hello everyone,

 

I'm quite new here..

 

I just started with my new school, new life basically. ALOT of changes and I'm afraid i'm going to lose control and have been quite depressed lately. and thats just one of my problems.

 

it all started when I was around 6. Kids started bullying me, we moved several times, but in every town the same old story as before. this lasted till I was about 15 after that the bullying stopped but scars remained.

I have never been to a psychologist. I'm planning to go to one but I will need a talk with my personal doctor first before i'm allowed to go to one (and he is on vacation till the 14th..) during all this I've also had a big ammount of fights with my parents and sister over the years which don't help ofcourse..

 

For about 4-5 years now I've been wearing a so-to-speak mask, which I assume most of you will understand, I am very unsocial and find it hard to talk to people that I don't know well enough and won't approach new people.

If I'm with a group of people i know I always speak very openly and cheerfully, this is something that has become a habit, I always try to smile as much as I can pushing my problems away. but once I'm home (not every day thank god) I pretty much break down, dead tired. I use Tumblr as my main diversion right now, listening to music and tumblr-ing if i'm depressed, I know that this makes me only more depressed but for some reason it calms me aswell. (it's on my profile) I see it as the only place where you can see how I truly feel, at times it can get very extreme tho, depending on how far gone i am.. Anyways to make things easier I'm just gonna make an easy to read list of all the symptoms/problems I have and I'm just really wondering what is wrong with me.. I'm desperate.

 

- extreme loneliness

- extreme need to be alone

- extremely needy (i know these 3 contradict eachother..)

- Always bored, there are times I'm not but that is the next point.

- Once I find something to do, let's say a new game, I get REALLY invested in that thing, and i can keep myself busy for days on end. but you guessed it, this has another issue.

- I lose interest in things I love. I used to be an avid tv-show watcher, anime watcher, MMO player etc. but for some reason over time I've lost interest. It's not that I don't want to watch anime again for example but I just cannot bring myself to do it,   it's as if I have no motivation to do it.

- I have very very few friends, and find it very hard to trust people..

- Feeling of emptiness almost always.

- Trouble talking about my emotions (this post alone is really hard for me even tho I don't know any of you in real life..)

- I switch alot from mood. I can be extremely cheerful because of whatever the one moment, and wanting to **** myself the next.

- very negative self image. I see myself fat, ugly, bad clothing taste, bad hair etc..

- Still coping with a breakup with an ex from last year august (she cheated on me) but I still miss her for some reason.. what I think is that i just miss the feeling of having someone..

- I talk very fast (people tell me this atleast) and often am not easy to understand as my mind hops all over the place

- I'm scared of people.

- I feel lost in general..

- I'm unsure about everything.

 

 

I think that's all?

I'll add more if I think of more things..

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I don't know what to do anymore

Edited by Ruri
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Welcome to DF, ruri.  :hugs:   I'm sorry that you are struggling so much, but we're glad to have you here.  There are a lot of good people here, and I'm sure many of them will be able to identify with what you're going through.  I can really identify with feeling like you have to wear a mask a lot of the time.  I don't really have the energy to maintain a really energetic mask, and I'm not really good at dealing with people IRL.  Have you considered talking to a therapist or trying medication? 

 

New school and new life, that sounds pretty stressful.  It can be a great opportunity, but it can also cause a lot of stress.  With all the bullying you've been through, I can understand finding it difficult to trust others.  You are an amazing and unique person, ruri, don't let depression and anxiety convince you otherwise.  :hugs:

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