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The Post Anything Thread


Maximus0988

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Monitor - my only friend in my doom,

loneliness as beast who came to mock,

only the shadow ghosts are in my room;

it is sad, lonely morning, AM, four o'clock.

 

 

insomnia scribbler hits again... and as usual misses...

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When you die what do you hope the next reality is like?

I have always hoped when you die you will be returned to the time and place in your life where you were the most happy and spend eternity there exactly how you remember it.

I have had dreams that felt so real where I was home again before my life was destroyed and in my dream I can remember feeling so happy. Running up the stairs felt so real and I can remember starting to realize that it's not real and it's just a dream and breaking down and crying in my dream not wanting. to wake up.

I've only had a few like that but every time I woke I truly felt I got to go visit but it is a scary feeling when that happens. You cry so much when you are awake wand then you start crying in your own dreams.

I the first time that happens was when I realized I could never truly be happy or feel that way again. It both hurts me and frightens me to think how that happens the first time when I was 15 i think and Here at 41 I'm still the exact same. I want to dream but scared to dream. Don't want to feel happiness and be home again with everyone and wake up and be taken again . I pray when I die I go to my dream and feel and know all my suffering when I was alive has paid off. I must have said I want to go home 1 million times to my self over the years from 13 and a half well. Up into my teens over and over and over hugging a pillow with my face stuffed between the cushions of the couch listening to earl Thomas connelys I can't win for losing you over and over and.over. I pray for the day I can say IM home.

I wish I did not feel this way. I wish I could snap my fingers and erase all my memories. Other than my grandfather every memory attached to everyone who ever said they loved or cared is pure pain and sorrow

Just take e home God is all I want 30 years of this . Part of me wishes those who hate me could feel my suffering and pain and constant longing to feel happy and loved.Every night for three years strait 13 to 16 am I damaged. Very. I never ask for help. More times than I care to count at 14 I was on my knees praying sobbing so hard I couldn't control my shaking and had to talk my own self down saying it will be ok it will be ok. Asking God to just let me go to sleep and wake up back in my bed in my room or to take this feeling away from me. Never any answer. No response. Well he did once in the form.of a cruel.home and this unis is sick sense of humor. After about a year of nervous breakdowns and praying and making promises to god if he would. Do that. I was told by mom that she wanted her family back and we were all being together agiain. My step dad who was more a real father than anything was over everyday. We all got to spend Christmas together again ..I can remember so vividly in his living room e him.My mom decorating the tree and I started to cry so went to.the bathroom and kneeling and just thanking Jesus over and over and over and thinking to y self all those promises I made I knew would be hard to keep . That I remember saying ggkd cut me a break. On those I'm only 14. But it was one of if not the happiest Christmas of my life. We had a new house picked out and a date we were all moving in. On that day I like Xmas can remember not having a care in the world. Happy an playing with friends chit being able to wait till I got home. I ran in the house to.muon crying at the table and her telling me he died. God have it back to take it away. That night I returned to my pillow soaking wet from my face stuck in it between cushions s. Funny I cried my self to sleep praticly every night till 3 4 in the morning and no one ever knew. To this day I see earl Thomas connely and feel he is part of me.

But that Set the tone for what my life would be. Hurt pain suffering. Promises made then taken away. One after the other I

I welcome deaths cold embrace cause I know I'm going home.

Sorry for the rant. Early I've ever told this out loud.

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm an addict. I use drugs. Jesus hates me I'm sure.

I want and hope to go to sleep tonight and wake up back in my bed in my room free of these scars that have attached to e like an.old friend. And feel this way no more. Pray for me that God takes me tonight everyone. I. Want to go home

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Will someone please write to my boss and tell her that she hired me for a reason? And why hire me if she's not going to listen to me? I need Chef Ramsey from Kitchen Nightmares to come in, confront her on her mismanagement and poor treatment of employees and shake some sense into her. I can't take it anymore. :/ I'm so done. I think I'm going to have a breakdown soon.

Edited by RiverLight
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nc86, this is not only about you, it is about all similar posts here. I personally like to post, reply etc., but, when I am confronted with a message from a very vulnerable, hurt, prone to self harm  etc. people, I freeze. The responsibility to reply to such a message   is too heavy to be answered in a jiffy. I cannot address, as I am not qualified,  all the nuances in such  posts, as for example a trained medical professional would and could do. I am, simply, not expert for that, and, what is more important, I am afraid that I could irrevocably harm whatever mental threads are darkly veawing in the minds of those posters, and maybe even trigger something very bad.

 

The reason why I am posting this is, that the silence to your and similar posts is not because there is something wrong with what you wrote or what you are, but that we, the members,  know that posting here bears a heavy responsibility for it. To cut it short: if nobody answered you, or a very a  few did, it is not because of you or the content of your message is somehow wrong, but because we do not dare, as we are cautious  for your benefit, to just shout what we think as we feel; and that we know  that there is a heavy price to be paid for a "wrong" post - paid by the vulnerable poster. If you check the site statistics you can verify that at the any moment over 1000 people are perusing this site, as guests... and  not messaging anything. So yeah, you are being read a lot even if not answered. Meaning, you are not alone, and the silence is not a criticism, just one of the ways to cope with the grey.

 

And please note too, that there in this site  there are no forums with criticism of such messages, no ridicule or so, because the silent majority of us knows what you are getting through, emphaty with it, is praying for you, but will not commit to a written word, mostly because the depression debilitated us to the state where we cannot do even write about that.  Basically here you are not alone, but remember, a lot of us prefer silence, as most of us are are damaged and function  well below normal capacity.

 

To wrap it up: yeah, I feel for you, I am  with you, and the fact that most of us does not express that in writing means only, that we cannot or we would rather not do that because we cant or because we fear to mess it up, as we are as hurt as you are or worse - but still, that here you are not alone...and we are with you.

Edited by Bhorout
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Just talked with the husband and wife who are keeping a small inn near my apartment. Told them I am depressed and they both reacted encouragingly and the wife said that her father had a bad case of depression too, but is now ok. Some people are nice..

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  All I'm doing is looking up ways to commit suicide.  

 

The worst is, when you are unable to do anything, not even to call for help. Coming to this site is in the same category as calling for help. So, you have done a first, albeit small, step forward. Go on with my best wishes!

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  All I'm doing is looking up ways to commit suicide.  

jessad.... I've been there myself. I was suicidal for eight months straight, but it did get better. Please call a help crisis line if you feel you are are unsafe at any point, and keep posting here and getting support. Living is worthwhile, things can get better. I'm so sorry you're so down in the dumps to be feeling this way. Please do take care of yourself, and know that your life is valuable! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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I want to transport the good part of my soul into a perfectly healthy body and brain.

 

This so much. I wish I had taken better care of myself the last ten years even though it all seemed hopeless (and still to an extent is). Would've saved me a lot of trouble now.

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2 of the Biggest causes of my despair:

1) My job is too d@*n hard (I'm an Associate IT Security Analyst)

2) Payday is simply too many days away

Anyone has any kind of solution to the above two? Solutions that can be implemented quickly with relative ease preferred

If your job feels too hard, maybe there's some training you can take to learn new skills?

I have opposite situation: My current job is too easy, feels so useless. And I do it only for the money but it's exhausting me with extreme boredom :/. My solution would obviously be getting another job.. And I am thinking to apply to a school this spring to get some change in this situation.

Edited by feeling_lost
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My new pdoc is far too clinical -- no warm and fuzzies, no compassion for what I may be going through. It left me feeling very disappointed and viewed purely as a "clinical case" to be assessed. Like a petrea dish. However you spell that word.

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My new pdoc is far too clinical -- no warm and fuzzies, no compassion for what I may be going through. It left me feeling very disappointed and viewed purely as a "clinical case" to be assessed. Like a petrea dish. However you spell that word.

 

A Petri dish (sometimes spelled "Petrie dish" and alternatively known as a Petri plate or cell-culture dish), named after the German bacteriologist Julius Richard Petri,[1] is a shallow cylindrical glass or plastic lidded dish that biologists use to culture cells[2] – such as bacteria – or small mosses.[3]

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I so  wanted to make something big,

and I tensed my muscles and did in dig;

I thought  a great thing I have started,

when in fact, I ehm.. only loudly farted..                 :-))

Edited by Bhorout
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My new pdoc is far too clinical -- no warm and fuzzies, no compassion for what I may be going through. It left me feeling very disappointed and viewed purely as a "clinical case" to be assessed. Like a petrea dish. However you spell that word.

 

A Petri dish (sometimes spelled "Petrie dish" and alternatively known as a Petri plate or cell-culture dish), named after the German bacteriologist Julius Richard Petri,[1] is a shallow cylindrical glass or plastic lidded dish that biologists use to culture cells[2] – such as bacteria – or small mosses.[3]

 

lol.... thanks for correcting me!  I felt like a petri dish!!

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